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Original poster

If you're a SAHM, how much domestic autonomy do you have?

70 replies

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 13/02/2011 11:59

Or, to put it another way, AIBU to want to throw away a bloody teatowel without having to run it past DH first?

I have one of these super-domesticated dhs which is great except that I am starting to find myself envying those Stepford Wives in that Daily Mail article the other month (here, it will make you vomit if you haven't already seen it) because they actually have a sphere where they are in charge and get to make the decisions.

OP posts:

NormanTheForeman · 13/02/2011 14:14

I have pretty much autonomy of all the household stuff, so I would throw away a teatowel without asking dh. And he would probably never notice either.

Like others, I would also discuss it with him before making any major purchase, but not for small things.

And I wouldn't throw away any of his clothes, or stuff from his study without checking with him first.

But I would expect him to ckeck with me before throwing out any kitchen stuff, as that is my domain IYSWIM. I do all the cooking, cleaning etc. I wouldn't expect him to tell me what do do in the domestic sphere, just as I wouldn't tell him what do do with his job, or the car (I don't drive) or the stuff in his study.

AliceWorld · 13/02/2011 14:18

Seth - I am to stunned it is you! YANBU. I can't imagine any scenario where me and my partner would even have a conversation about throwing a tea towel away. It would go something along the lines of 'I've left some rag by the cellar door for you'.

(Our last tea towel exchange was about why he was drying poached eggs on a tea towel that was waiting for the wash rather than a clean one out of the cupboard, but that's another tale )

I have noticed something that I have put down to autonomy in people before, where sometimes people get very het up about things that to me are unimportant, in social situations. And my analysis has been the link to a lack of autonomy in their life in other situations.

Throw teatowels away now in an act of defiance! Or better yet, burn them

2rebecca · 13/02/2011 14:20

I'm not an SAHM but wouldn't run it past my husband if I thought a tea towel was past its useful life, suspect bloke would ditch tea towels without discussing them with me.
We wouldn't chuck them though, he's a keen cyclist so clothing and teatowels no longer usable and unfit for charity shops get converted into rags for cleaning bike, waxing floor tiles or furniture etc.

mj1moreornotthatisthequestion · 13/02/2011 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NotQuiteCockney · 13/02/2011 14:27

To be fair, I have some teatowels from my (deceased) parents that I would mind if DH threw away.

But if this isn't something like that, he sounds like a hoarder maybe?

Original poster

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 13/02/2011 14:41

I don't want him to sound more 'in charge' than he really is - it's not that he makes all the decisions, it's that everything has to be discussed.
There are plenty of things he's compromised on, or made changes to the way he does things, because I have asked him to.

he will often run things past me which used to need discussing when we were both working - eg if he had to arrange a meeting in London so he was going to be back late - and I'll go 'FGS just do it, I'm at home all week, it doesn't make any difference to me what day you go to London!'

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 13/02/2011 15:17

Can you not have a discussion that says "we no longer need to discuss X, Y, or Z (or teatowels), from now on Seth (or MrSeth) is fully in charge of all teatowel-related decisions'?

2rebecca · 13/02/2011 16:34

If you chucked a couple of tea towels would he notice? We have so many we wouldn't.

Original poster

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 13/02/2011 19:35

yes we are going to have that conversation.

I honestly didn't know if I was BU or not then by the first three posts or so it was fairly clear that I wasn't

the way I am seeing it now is this:
when I became a SAHM there were certain things I lost, such as my own space (office), money I earned and didn't have to consult anyone about spending, a job which involved a lot of decision-making and respect.

he didn't have to give up anything, in fact his life has become easier. So if he would really really like to have an equal say in how the kitchen is arranged (and which teatowels get thrown out), well tough. I dealt with a great deal of poo today, one way and another - real poo I mean, not figurative. I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect him to give up a little bit of domestic power as the price for that.

also I guess beforehand I was thinking in terms of 'the price I have to pay for having a dh who does a serious share of the chores is that I don't get to make all the decisions about how stuff is arranged' but actually I think I have realised that I would rather have the autonomy, if it was a choice.
something that brought it home to me was, we have a friend (who he is off walking with this w/e) who doesn't pull his weight around his house and up till now I've always thought 'His poor dw!' but when the friend said the other day 'The kitchen is her sphere' I realised I actually envied her. Which I think dh is going to be quite upset by, because he does do a lot, and very competently, but I think this underlines how important autonomy is.

OP posts:

Malificence · 13/02/2011 19:50

Why should he be upset?
Throwing away something like teatowels does not need a discussion, the notion is quite bonkers, presumably if they are in such a state you want to sling them, they aren't any use for going in the shed/garage for him?

Hassled · 13/02/2011 19:56

I have so much autonomy that DH doesn't actually have the first clue what's going on in the house most of the time, which causes its own problems. He feels left out a bit and I feel taken for granted a bit. There needs to be a middle ground - it's a tricky balance.

But re tea-towels, yes, you need the respect/consideration to be trusted to deal with that level of detail yourself. You need the sense of ownership - when you're not working, that's what's missed, I think.

bibbitybobbityhat · 13/02/2011 20:41

I got to thinking about how many tea towels I've thrown away in my life, and I honestly can't remember throwing away any!

One or two have been demoted to becoming cleaning cloths.

But, otherwise, I am sure I have tea towels that are 20 years old and still going strong .

Truckulente · 13/02/2011 20:45

Just so I understand this.
You want your DH to be less involved with the domestic stuff?

Squitten · 13/02/2011 21:00

So, he wants to make time to go through the tea towels with you....?

Ok, there must be some explanation that you have not told us about:

Said tea towels are Victorian family heirlooms passed down through your DH's family for 150 years
Said tea towels are sentimental gifts from MIL for birthday/anniversary/Xmas
Said tea towels are made of solid gold and diamonds and must be preserved for the nation...

I've never heard anything so bizarre...

Original poster

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 13/02/2011 21:08

Truck - there are different types of involvement, I want to change the ratio.

there's 'actually doing stuff' involvement and 'making decisions' involvement.
used to be 50:50 for both. (well actually there have been times when he did more than me, but anyway....)
now my 'actually doing stuff' levels are way greater than his due to my SAHMing. But our 'making decisions' involvement has stayed the same.

I need to get them both in line again because at the moment the ratio between the two ratios is veering slightly away from the normal wife:husband ratio in the direction of the maid:master ratio.
Does that make more sense?

OP posts:

Morloth · 13/02/2011 21:09

DH is a bit of a hoarder, but I am a chucker and I am here so stuff gets chucked, sometimes this annoys him. Tough shit.

He goes to work and makes the money, the rest (including the spending of said money) is mine all mine, I will delegate to him if necessary - or a cleaner if I don't want to do it.

This has worked well for the last 13 years we have been married, even when I was working I liked things done my way and TBH he couldn't give that much of a fuck either way.

loves2cycle · 13/02/2011 21:11

Is he one of those people that likes to discuss everything, just for the enjoyment of being involved Seth? Just wondering if he's like my DH who needs to discuss just about every aspect of home/children/work/family before decisions are arrived at.

Can be maddening when you've made a decision about something trivial-ish, like the time of your child's swimming lesson, then have your decision questionned and a 'better' solution suggested. Maddening. But my DH is like this about children issues particularly because we used to work the same hours,at the same office so we shared a car and shared the childminder drop offs and pick ups so therefore shared every single decision about our child each morning and evening!

Now I am a mainly SAHM my DH can't seem to switch off and relinquish decision making to me. Very funny that we discuss everything about the children but takes ages!

Truckulente · 13/02/2011 21:11

Sorry too complicated for me, I just used to do what I was told.

Original poster

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 13/02/2011 21:24

lots of similarities there Loves2Cycle. It's the move from having very parallel jobs to different ones that is causing the problem.

actually he's more willing to let me decide stuff about the children because he recognises that children are terribly complicated and that I am more interested in children as a phenomenon than he is. Eg I will read books about parenting, go on MN, be fascinated by stuff about other people's, etc, whereas he likes his own but doesn't much care about 'children' as a breed, hence I usually know stuff, like what is normal or how to get them to do things, which he doesn't.
whereas he is perfectly competent at housework and not a bad cook.

Truck - if you used to just do what you were told you will have had a high doing stuff:making decisions ratio, see? My dh has a low one at the moment.

OP posts:

LadyLapsang · 13/02/2011 21:31

'Don't do anything about the teatowels until I come back and we can go through them together.'

Honestly, I think you two need more to think about.

My DH asked me today if I was about to chuck any towels so he could polish his motorbike
Sadly (for him) the answer was no!

Truckulente · 13/02/2011 21:31

Yeh, but if you have a high/low making decisions ratio it can end up with one person not being able to make a decision.

You must have read the threads.

loves2cycle · 13/02/2011 21:41

It does take time for a change to filter down so maybe it's early days Seth? If you talk to him about it you might find he's delighted to be let off the hook about such boring issues as tea towels!

I would use the joint issue in a positive way and share decisions about things you are less interested in. So I hate supermarket shopping but I suppose it is "my job" now as a SAHM. But because he's as involved in what we eat as I am, if I say to him that i think we should be having more fish, he'll offer to get fish from the Market on his way home, saving me from going to tescos. He then likes having been involved and I like having extra time to myself.

On the other hand, we had a heated discussion the other day about how to do timestables with our eldest. Can't quite believe we wasted half an hour of our day on it, but he thought my way was wrong and his way was better. Stupid argument because he wouldn't defer to my view which was based on my many hours listening/watching said child try his tables and get in a fankle.

SuchProspects · 13/02/2011 21:45

I have complete autonomy, but so does my DH. I am slightly more in charge but only just.

e.g If he decided to change the kitchen round and he had reorganized was awkward for me in some way I would change it back and tell him why, and if that bothered him then we'd discuss it. But if I changed the kitchen round and he didn't like it we'd discuss without him changing it back first.

Since he does a lot around the home I don't think that's a unreasonable. Sounds a bit different to your situation though. Would drive me batty to have to check first, but it would have when we were both working full time too.

I really understand the desire to have bit of a kingdom that's all yours. I'm definitely missing that as a sahm. But I haven't found I particularly want to be in sole charge of the house.

PigeonPie · 13/02/2011 21:48

This is slightly off topic, but I'll ask anyway. As a SAHM I have domestic autonomy which is great - however, this weekend I've been completely incapacitated which has necessitated me taking Tramadol (and throwing it up again) and DH has been all at sea, not knowing what to feed the DSs / himself, when to put a loaf of bread on, how long it's going to take to do things etc.

How do I keep him involved and knowing what's going on / how to do things when it's usually quicker for me to get on and do them while he does the other useful things or plays with the DSs?

Or what do you do when this happens?

Original poster

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 13/02/2011 21:58

'Honestly, I think you two need more to think about.'

Us getting out more would be a good idea as well

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