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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

end of a friendship i think

29 replies

yodaontv · 12/02/2011 16:31

I read something on a good friends blog, which was about me. I wasn't named, but the sentiment behind it was that I have never got over my dh leaving me yrs ago, and that if only i could see it as a gift. That I have so much love to give but no outlet for it, and that until i let go of him i will never be able to walk the path i deserve.

I was totally shocked and contacted my friend, and to put this into context, her dh left her more recently, and she has started a self help type blog.

Now we have chewed over many many times what has happened to us both over the yrs, but i feel so judged. She said she never intended it that way and was sorry i saw it like that.

I have decided to end our friendship, because i feel now that anything i say will be judged as being wrong in her book. She may well feel ok about her marriage, but I just don't think she should have used my so called 'non letting go of mine' to point out something. I feel she has totally misrepresented my situation. I have told her this is what it feels like but she doesn't understand why i feel this way. To me this is a major problem in what seemed to be quite a good understanding friendship. And to think she thought it ok to share on her blog, which is read by by people we both know.

This is all such a bolt out the blue.

So, I have explained how i felt, and she doesn't get it. Said she has 'nothing but compassion for inability to fully let go of my pain of my ex!! But this seems not compassionate but patronising.

She knows how hard it has been for me to let go when he has caused ongoing chaos, but i have let go!!!

It's sad to lose a friend, and i am generous hearted, but i feel there is no going back for me. It seems hard to stick to how i feel tho. Does it get better.

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yodaontv · 12/02/2011 16:41

It was so 'from nowhere' this viewpoint of hers. i don't get it at all.

It's almost as if it's a sudden revelation she has had in her relationship. It is really early days for her, and i hope she is feeling like she has is sussed. Yet as i said to her, it has been a long road for me for lots of reasons. Sad

i am bloody annoyed with her as well as sad. i feel like she has turned all guru.

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squeakytoy · 12/02/2011 16:44

But she didnt say anything horrible about you, if anything what she said was that you are person who deserves something good.

You werent named.

I think you are judging her too harshly :(

Flisspaps · 12/02/2011 16:51

I think what she actually said seems to be quite nice.

In effect she's said you're a lovely person who deserves to be loved back, but that your situation means that's not possible for you and that makes her sad.

I don't understand why you feel as though 'anything you say will judged as wrong in her book'?

HeroShrew · 12/02/2011 16:55

Has she removed the post, or offered to? I can see how you'd feel invaded by having her interpretation of your feelings and situation put out there so baldly, but I agree that it sounds like she posted it with decent intentions and not to embarrass you.

gorionine · 12/02/2011 16:55

I think the fact that she thinks you diserve better than what you think you do meand she does care a great deal about you. I would have a good chat with her and tell her "I read your blog and did not like that you talked about my situation on it" but I do not think I would cut the friendship off.

Mobly · 12/02/2011 17:00

Your friend clearly had good intentions. She didn't name you. Has she touched a nerve?

I think it would be sad to end the friendship and you sound oversensitive but I daresay that is because of your troubles.

yodaontv · 12/02/2011 17:08

but it's so judgey of her imo. that I won't recover until i have let go? How does she know that i havent. Honestly how does she know this.

I have dated, have been all forgiving of my ex, tried for yrs to put up with his shite for the sake of dd. She knows this, but actually said.

ok will find it and post.

I have a dear wonderful friend. She has the most tender heart and is full of love that needs an outlet. She deserves love. But my friend has never healed from the end of her marriage several years ago. She struggles to let go because she has not yet come to see her husband leaving her as a gift. This is understandable. It is very hard to explain with the mind - it has to be a feeling from the heart. But because she cannot let go, she is unable to get onto the new more wonderful path and she is always fighting obstacles.

Sorry but where the sentiment may be caring, i feel she is assuming alot and putting some sort of time frame on me. knowing about the bullying behaviour, the broken promises to my dd.

Her ex is very different, and hasn't abandoned his kids, there are differences.

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yodaontv · 12/02/2011 17:10

lol 'that needs an outlet'

judgetastic.

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HeroShrew · 12/02/2011 17:13

Having read it I'm a bit . Personally I'd think twice about having a friend who spouted patronising self-help shite on a blog, whether it was about me or not!

yodaontv · 12/02/2011 17:14

my friend is nice! thats why she is my friend. I am just struggling to see how she thought it ok share me on her blog.

I also have reservations about her attittude that she doesn't see at ALL how i could be hurt by it.

She feels she has turned a corner, and that is great. Of course she has hit a nerve, but my 'normal' friend would never normally assume i am she and she is me in the 'path we should take type thing'

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Flisspaps · 12/02/2011 17:15

I think you're overthinking this.

HeroShrew · 12/02/2011 17:17
Confused
hugglymugly · 12/02/2011 17:17

I can understand something of what you feel. Whether or not her assessment that you haven't got over the end of the marriage is true, she shouldn't have posted about it where it would be obvious to others who she was talking about. The fact that she didn't name you doesn't necessarily confer anonymity.

What she wrote does sound to me to be rather patronising - as though she has the solution to whatever problems she perceives you to have. I had a "friend" like that once - in the end, she really wasn't helpful or supportive because she could only see things from her own perspective.

yodaontv · 12/02/2011 17:17

I actually said that i understood to 'some' extent her viewpoint, but that what she did really didn't show me honestly. By that i mean the work i have done on myself, the backwards and forwards, the being aware i have tried to be of my feelings, reactions.

I have done alot of work.

But no alas i am, by what she has written there 'stuck with no outlet, and not on the path to fulfillment'

pious imo. anyway thats how i feel.

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hugglymugly · 12/02/2011 17:20

x-posted - I didn't see your post with her actual words. I echo HeroShew - that is a bit

MosEisley · 12/02/2011 17:24

This is exactly the problem with blogs. I have never understood why people write a public diary that everyone reads? It is a minefield of trying not to offend people and sounds like your friend has misjudged this badly.

It isn't necessarily a reason to totally end the friendship, but sounds like you've lost a lot of trust and need to give each other a bit of space for a while.

yodaontv · 12/02/2011 17:25

i should have posted it in the beginning.

hard when it's not all in context. her blog is meant to help women, and she has done alot of work on herself. Yet she seems to be changing and seeing everything black and white.

She is very confident that she has this grief licked now, and i really am honestly pleased for her. Yet don't bring mine in thanks. Then not be honest about what i HAVE achieved. She hasn't lied, but she's portrayed me unfairly.

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yodaontv · 12/02/2011 17:28

trust is key, yes. thats what i meant when i said about not being able to say things the same way again, wondering how she is actually hearing it now.

i guess, people come into your life then go again.

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squeakytoy · 12/02/2011 17:30

the thing is, you say yourself

She knows how hard it has been for me to let go when he has caused ongoing chaos, but i have let go!!!

perhaps she genuinely thinks you havent yet really let go, and tbh, and please dont take offence, maybe she is right, because I dont think you would be so up in arms about it if it wasnt true.. thats just the tone I get here.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 12/02/2011 17:32

She'ss used you for an emotive bit of phsyco- babble and I would be very cross too.

I don't blame you and she needs to learn were blogs begin and end...and real life starts.

samels001 · 12/02/2011 17:33

Hi Yodaontv,

We all deal in situations in very different ways. I suppose that comes from our childhood, life experiences, expectations etc. So supporting other people can be a minefield.

A great friend of mine (but much older) never got over being demoted from partner by a big 4 accountancy firm. DH & I supported her in several ways as practically as we could for a long time (eg helping with pension, sabbatical leave etc). However I was gobsmacked when a couple of years later she told me that the friends who had supported her best were a couple who had "wrapped presents for her to open when she felt down". My friend is still sadly wallowing in self-pity (harsh but true) 10 years on. She has been unable to move on literally (still with the same company BUT hates it) and emotionally.

As her friend I don't know any more how to best support her. That troubles me and our friendship has suffered.

On here someone posted "a friend for a reason, season or life". So perhaps it is the right time for the friendship to end.

boolifooli · 12/02/2011 17:33

It IS patronising. As is the way with grief no two people will walk the same path. She is clearly dealing with her grief by being uber philosophical. If your friendship has been otherwise good then I would want you to seek a reconciliation.

zikes · 12/02/2011 17:34

Ask her to take it down.

I wouldn't end the friendship over it, but I'd step back a bit for a while, see how you feel in a couple of weeks.

And I'd stop reading her blog.

yodaontv · 12/02/2011 18:04

hands up, i admit i have got a smidge of betrayal grrr feelings left.But they are mine and i havent gone round there moaning all the time. I understand she doesn't want to me to feel any pain for him but it's not stopping me getting on with my life, and i havent spoken about my ex with her for about 18 months. there's nothing to say. i cut him out. I have been there for her, love her to bits and her kids. My biggest 'wtf' is how she doesn't get why i would feel she was being a bit righteous.

No question, we are close. Yet her experience is making her so philosophical and thats ok if thats how she feels she can deal with her pain. Yet what she said was patronising. She knows my pain, i guess tho, she doesn't really.

guess i'll leave it and see how things go.

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yodaontv · 12/02/2011 18:08

i am repeating myself.

sorry!

Maybe i have made her feel like that, that she throws her hands up in the air, that she can't help?

Yet i havent wanted or needed any help for ages. Only to do with how he's been treating dd. Thats the only betrayal I feel now, and she agrees all the time.

I am no good at conflict, i backtrack. I suppose it's going to be another lesson in life.

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