Confused and knackered - long, sorry

[minxthemanx]

I've posted on here lots of times about DH and what a selfish arse he is (won't go into it all again). Posted at the beginning of the year in frustration as he'd gone off to a 5 day hockey jolly in Barcelona, the day I came out of hospital with DS1 who had been poorly, and had CT scans etc. Lots of you confirmed my gut feeling that this was beyond redemption, and I made up my mind to see a solicitor that week to instigate divorce proceedings. He came back a day early from Spain because DS was still poorly - I had to take him for an MRI brain scan by myself while DH was away - and I told him that enough was enough, and I was going to start divorce proceedings.

I felt quite strong and empowered at this point.

The next day DS collapsed and was rushed into hospital. After 4 days he deteriorated further and was taken in an intensive care ambulance to GT Ormond St. He was critical for over 48 hours. He had a brain aneurism that had ruptured - usually fatal.

As you can imagine, we went through hell. Amazingly, he recovered and 7 days after leaving intensive care was back home. The drs were amazed.

During that 48 hours I made all sorts of deals with God etc, in order for him to survive. One of these was to stick it out and keep my family together.

Now that we are out the other side of this trauma, I'm mighty confused. DH is acting as if we never had the divorce conversation, trying to be helpful, affectionate, keeps telling me how brilliant I've been etc. Has organised a meal out and babysitter for Valentine's night. I am torn between thinking we've all had enough trauma in the last few weeks to put up with (DS's hair has fallen out), and I cannot inflict any more stress on us. But at the same time, I'm finding it very hard to be warm and friendly towards DH, even tho he is trying hard. Don't know which way to go, I know I shouldn't be making big decisions at the moment, but feel in an awful limbo. Thoughts, anyone?

No real advice as I have never been in that situation but from reading your post I would say it seems that deep down you love him or else why all the deals with god? not saying you would want him dead if you didn't love him but that it wouldn't be as strong a feeling iyswim

I don't want to presume but it sounds like what I would do and I love my deeply.

Gosh, I'm so sorry you've been through such a terrible time. Brilliant news that your DS has made such a remarkable recovery and I hope that he's back to 100% health very soon.

I remember your previous thread and remember thinking at the time that your DH was being a total knob and was way beyond redemption. However, you've all just been through a massive, terrifying ordeal and are now starting to come out the other side of it. It sounds like it might have given him just the kick up the arse that he needed to realise what he stood to lose by being a hockey knob. I say, if you can stand to let him after everything that's happened, maybe you should give him a chance to redeem himself. This could be a big turning point for your family and an opportunity to heal past hurts.

I agree with Madonna I am just not as eloquent!

Maybe he realised what he was losing too?

How about some counselling for you both? See if he is prepared to compromise that should be a good indication?

(hugs) for you, it sounds like you have been through so much

I was desperate, in the Chapel at GOS, having been told my son may not survive the night. I would have done ANYTHING to keep him alive. I thought if staying with DH was what was needed, I would do it.

Yes, there's a big part of me that wants to let him cuddle me and laugh together, and plan a summer holiday (have even got as far as finding one.) But deep down I know that he hasn't changed - we had a conversation last night about the trip to Barcelona, and he cannot see why it was wrong. (Or won't). Like I said, I feel inlimbo. Don't know whether to go ahead and book a nice summer holiday, God knows we need one, and carry on with the downstairs loo we'd planned to have built, or just put everything on hold. Which is hard. Certainly don't see how I can put any of us through divorce after the trauma we've already had this year.

Maybe you should think about what would make you feel less in limbo - if he conceded that the trip to Barcelona was out of order? If he agreed not to go on future trips without consulting you/checking it fitted in with what was going on in the family first? If he agreed to counselling...?

Whatever that thing is, set a time limit by when it needs to have happened in order for you to move forward.

Um, posting as someone who does believe in God I would be inclined to try and keep your promise for now, and see what happens. You've been granted an amazing blessing, maybe there's more round the corner (ie a renewed marriage?). I know your H won't have changed much yet, it takes a loooong time for people to, but he's trying hard and maybe you'll get there.

i think deep down you know its over....you've lost that love and respect for him,and it can't be regained. sorry,goes against what others say,but 1) i've been there myself and 2) i've read your posts before

sorry,just my opinion

i believe in god also!

Minx, omg !

I wondered why you had gone MN-quiet !

Do you know what, my thoughts on your husband have been made very clear in your previous threads but even I think you should just hold on for a bit.

Book that summer holiday

Keep talking to DH. Maybe he will never admit the hockey trip was wrong (it was...) but then he was always in a lot of denial about it and would have to lose serious face to back down now

Sit him down and re-state you case

Say that your faith in his commitment to you and dc has been seriously rocked recently but that you want to give it one last chance and let him start proving hmself from today

don't sweep things under the carpet, though because of your relief at ds being well, although that of course would suit DH very well indeed

in 6-12 months time, maybe you will feel differently, maybe he will

but don't forget, whatever "bargains" you made with God, He would forgive you if you reneged because your husband wasn't meeing you halfway

I have made a few "bargains" myself in the past

I did get my wish, in the end

Tiffany makes a good point. If deep down you really don't love him any more then no amount of effort on his part is going to change anything.

It's only worth trying for if you still feel like there is love there. If not, then cut your losses now. Dragging it on for another year won't be any less painful or traumatic than calling it a day now.

What do you feel OP? Do you still love him?

a year is a short time in reality

i'd invest in yourself a little...and your ds too

If there is a God - he is not playing with the the life of your child to keep you with your husband - that's for sure. Anyone who says or thinks otherwise may just want to check out why they would idolise something like that.

I am so sorry about DS, what an awful thing to have gone through! I had a friend die of a BA - so know how scary it was for you - DS is very, very lucky x

You get one shot at life - this is yours.

As I was reading your post (I was on your Barcelona thread and remember it well) I was thinking that maybe this was the wake-up call you needed and you may finally have found yourself living with a man, not a boy, someone who would put his family ahead of his fun - great I thought, something has come out of this terrible thing that happened to DS. But it doesn't really sound like it has if he still thinks going to Barcelona was a reasonable thing to have done.

Ignore bedside promises
Ignore what he wants

What do you want - whilst accepting that you can't have the impossible.

Do you think it would help to go away for a couple of days to try and work out how you feel and what you want to do about it?

Sorry I read it as your DH collapsed not DS.

Anyway I agree about not making decisions right now but maybe you and DH can get family to watch DC and go out somewhere for day/evening and discuss everything. From what I have read he wont admit he was wrong about his trip but if it means that much to you then you have to tell him, and if it is just you two no distractions then he has no excuse for not listening.

If nothing else you will need to discuss a way forward for your family, it isn't necessarily the best thing for parents to stay together just for the DC's or because you have all been through a lot. You all deserve to be happy whether together or apart. If you are not happy it won't take long for DC to pick up on it.

Your son survived because of the skill of the doctors at GOSH and luck. Not because of any pact you made with "god".

It sounds like a horrible experience and you will feel vulnerable and anxious for some time, take some time and come to terms with your experience. Dont spend the rest of your life with someone you dont love and who treats you with no respect because of a pact you made when at the extreme end of the emotional spectrum.

Your husband is probably feeling as guilty as hell for not being there when he should have been and over compensating as a result.

minx

I'm sorry to hear what you've all been through and so glad your son is OK.

Thanks for your comments, very mixed! I don't know how I feel about him. I thought I did, when I decided to start divorce proceedings, but since then we have come close to losing a child. Once DS and I were home from GOS, I sat and watched both boys playing with DH and they were all so happy - DH desperately trying to have cuddles with all 4 of us on the sofa/in bed, with me making sure both kids were between us! Very cold, and probably very hurtful. I'm sure he has needed affection to get him through this awful time, and I haven't given it. I have wanted to 'give in', and cuddle back. But something stops me - I don't want to give him the signal that everything is fine now.

I'm aware that he is trying hard, in many respects. I have even told him I have no intention of buying Valentine's cards, but still he insists on taking me out!

Well, what are your options?

1. Carry on with the divorce and ask him to leave. However, you don't know right now that this is what you still want and you don't know that you don't love him anymore.

1. Throw all caution to the wind and put 100% in to the relationship, genuinely put the past in the past and start a fresh. Tell him this is what you are going to do, but that this is a new start and you have no intention of continuing to live your life with someone who is not there for the family and if things are not good going forward, you'd have no hesitation in going through with the fivorce.

1. You both individually & together go for counselling and talk, try to work things out etc etc

Don't forget:

• He's on his best behaviour right now due to shock.

• The boys can still have a good, if not better, relationship with him if he isn't living there.

• Even if he did something like have an affair you would still feel like you loved him - just because the relationship is not what you need it to be, it doesn't mean you stop loving them overnight. You love what they once were, the good bits that are still there and the future you thought you would have. Love isn't always enough. Don't let this feeling of love stop you leaving if you know that's the right thing to do. Does that make sense?

I would go with 2 myself if I wasn't sure that I no longer wanted to be in this relationship, & see how it goes. If you do so, it doesn't mean you have to stay no matter what else happens. Better that than have any regrets.

Good advice. Maybe I will use the bloody Valentine;s meal that he's insisting on to discuss how I feel! Perhaps saying that I'm putting one more year into our marriage, and if things haven't imrpoved for me by this time next year, I will go ahead with divorce. But in the coming year I will put 100% effort into it, the rest is up to him.

chip's no. 2 very eloquently expresses my thoughts

Yes, this strikes me as a good plan. I also think some counselling for yourself would be good. Not only to help you sort out your feelings for your husband but as a place where you can express your feelings about the near loss of your son.

I would make it just for you...not involve him unless it becomes clear couples counselling would be a good idea.

You sounds confused and in shock imo and so I think you need to spend time sorting yourself before making any huge decisions.