Confused and knackered - long, sorry

[minxthemanx]

I've posted on here lots of times about DH and what a selfish arse he is (won't go into it all again). Posted at the beginning of the year in frustration as he'd gone off to a 5 day hockey jolly in Barcelona, the day I came out of hospital with DS1 who had been poorly, and had CT scans etc. Lots of you confirmed my gut feeling that this was beyond redemption, and I made up my mind to see a solicitor that week to instigate divorce proceedings. He came back a day early from Spain because DS was still poorly - I had to take him for an MRI brain scan by myself while DH was away - and I told him that enough was enough, and I was going to start divorce proceedings.

I felt quite strong and empowered at this point.

The next day DS collapsed and was rushed into hospital. After 4 days he deteriorated further and was taken in an intensive care ambulance to GT Ormond St. He was critical for over 48 hours. He had a brain aneurism that had ruptured - usually fatal.

As you can imagine, we went through hell. Amazingly, he recovered and 7 days after leaving intensive care was back home. The drs were amazed.

During that 48 hours I made all sorts of deals with God etc, in order for him to survive. One of these was to stick it out and keep my family together.

Now that we are out the other side of this trauma, I'm mighty confused. DH is acting as if we never had the divorce conversation, trying to be helpful, affectionate, keeps telling me how brilliant I've been etc. Has organised a meal out and babysitter for Valentine's night. I am torn between thinking we've all had enough trauma in the last few weeks to put up with (DS's hair has fallen out), and I cannot inflict any more stress on us. But at the same time, I'm finding it very hard to be warm and friendly towards DH, even tho he is trying hard. Don't know which way to go, I know I shouldn't be making big decisions at the moment, but feel in an awful limbo. Thoughts, anyone?

Minx - you have to do what feels right for you :)

I would talk to him tomorrow, not do it on Valentine's Day - I'd use that as a start to having a good time and enjoying each others company, not to have 'a talk'.

I wouldn't put 'a year' on it, I would say, well, what I said above... that this is a new start, put the past in the past, but that I have no intention of living in a situation that makes me unhappy, where the other person isn't considering everyone in the family before making a decision. If you put a year on it, then he has another Barcelona and you want out, he'll throw it in your face that you said 'a year' and also, a year gives him time to act like a roller coaster. 'Notice of Intent' doesn't.

Personally, I don't think you need counselling, I think you just need to set your boundaries up and get on with it. What happened to DS was a shock, but you don't need counselling to deal with that - once again, accept it was bloody frightening and get on with it!!

Thank you, girls, for your advice. I have decided that I am going to write him a letter, outlining what the situation is and what we BOTH need to do if I am going to stay married to him. He's crap at talking because he just gets very defensive and I get emotional and shout. So I think writing it down will be calmer and more productive.

I'm not expecting miracles, we've been married for a long time and I know him. But after what we've been through recently, I don't want to give up completely without a last ditch attempt, for all of our sakes. Like one of you said, maybe we've been given another chance. It's worth a try.

Thank you for your advice, it's helped a lot.

Minx - it's definitely worth a try :)

Good luck x

Just want to put my perspective as have been through similar..hope you and your son are ok btw
I personally have been unable to forgive my dh for leaving me to cope alone during periods of dcs being dangerously ill...when it comes to it,the dc come first as they are children and a person who doesn't realise that,male or female,is not the sort of person i can respect or admire.

just wanted to add my good luck too hope it all works outs out in the best way possible for you xx

the old saying about not realising what youve got till its gone..or almost gone..strikes two

Its easy to be a total knobjockey when you just take your partner/kids etc for granted and assume they will always be there..but a shock like this may just have been the wake up call your DH needed

I hope it works out for you
x