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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do you ever worry that another woman may 'tempt' you dh/dp

66 replies

carmenelectra · 12/02/2011 12:33

Wasn't quite sure how to word this, but in view of the many threads on cheating and general infidelity discussed on here do any of you worry about your own relationship? Or are most of you generally secure and trusting.

I always have been very trusting of my dp but I have to confess although I am confident and not usually insecure some of the threads on here do get me thinking.

Am I being naïve is believing that my dp has always been faithful or will be faithful?

I am a hundred per cent confident that he finds me attractive, but I am getting on a bit now :) and I do wonder whether he(like most men it seems) doesn't find me as attractive as he used to. Or as as attractive as a younger woman. Men don't seem to be bothered about embarrassing themselves by having sex with women much younger.

I know insecurity isn't a desirable quality but I have to question whether I am being naïve in thinking that my dp is 'different'.

In view of all the threads where men have played away on stag weekends and business trips, surely I can't be alone in my thinking!Or am I?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 14:01

the whole of what could be "made up" ? Hmm

that's a bit of a slap in the face for women who come here for help when their husbands do cheat

it happens

it's depressingly common

being smug enough to think it will never happen to you makes me think "pride comes before a fall..."

post · 12/02/2011 14:02

I trusted mine 100% Sad

noodle69 · 12/02/2011 14:48

I very much doubt my husband ever would. He would be more likely to have a wank of his nintendo wii as he likes that more than going out without me Grin.

I dont stop him from doing whatever he wants but I have always been the mad party animal and he is my calming influence. I have never cheated though.

carmenelectra · 12/02/2011 14:53

Thanks everyone so far, trying to read all the replies.

I think if my dp worked away and depending on his job and his colleagues, I would be inclined to have more doubts. I don't know. I don't like to generalise but you do hear of men getting up to all sorts and visiting lap dancing clubs, seeing escorts and so on.

This doesn't apply to my dp so I can't really imagine how he would behave. Hopefully not in the way some mumsnetters dh's do.

OP posts:
Malificence · 12/02/2011 14:58

"I think everyone has it in them to cheat, it's naive to think otherwise."

No emmy they dont, I certainly don't - there is nothing that could make me be unfaithful to my husband, nothing at all.
I'm 100% sure of his fidelity too.

Mollymax · 12/02/2011 15:01

I trust my husband 100% and he me.
When we both said our wedding vows we meant them.
We have been together 16 years. Smile

PonceyMcPonce · 12/02/2011 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 12/02/2011 15:57

The fact that infidelity occurs in all sorts of relationships, is practised by all sorts of people and occurs at all sorts of different life points, means that there are no "types".

There are just vulnerabilities.

None of us can say if our partners would be tempted, because we are not them. We can only summise what we would do and hope that we are right. We can only ever control our own fidelity, not someone else's.

I've seen your posts about this before OP and you still seem to be focusing on your attractiveness quotient, when in reality that means absolutely nothing. I also still think you suspect that a great relationship is the only insurance policy you need. It isn't.

That said, an egalitarian relationship characterised by equal, mutual investment is the least vulnerable, in relational terms. But often, even that is not enough. The most vulnerable relationships are those where an unfaithful partner doesn't maintain his investment in the relationship/family and infidelity can become very gendered, with female SAHPs married to selfish, under-invested men, amongst the most vulnerable relationships there are.

I also agree with Gay that no-one goes into an affair against their will and that the conversation she overheard was the man's signal that he was open to an alternative relationship.

I have read a lot of research too about how there will always be weak moments in relationships and I think that's realistic. I've yet to find one LTR that didn't go through a tricky patch, or the individuals within that relationship, a personal low-point.

I imagine we all recognise that in every marriage or relationship, there will be those vulnerable times (pregnancy, the stress of young DCs, bereavement, job /esteem losses, mid-life reckonings or relational discord) and there are some OW/OM only too happy to exploit that set of circumstances and offer a diversion. But as ever, it's up to the object of these attentions to say "no".

It's just that sometimes as humans we're in a stronger place to say that, and at other times we're not. That doesn't make us evil or bad; just human beings with flaws and vulnerabilities.

I don't think it helps to demonise infidelity, because that adds to the erroneous belief that it can never happen to you. All any of us can do is work on our own vulnerabilities and set clear boundaries with our partners, discussing fidelity in realistic terms and not just in relation to the penalties that will occur if there is a transgression.

Better to assume that this could well happen and talk honestly as a couple about how to guard against it.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 12/02/2011 17:42

No.

I do not believe that another woman could ever tempt my husband.

I do not believe that he would be helpless to resist the charms of a woman.

I believe that he could choose to betray me. That would be a decision he made and something he would be 100% responsible for.

I would not attempt to absolve him of that responsibility by telling myself that he was forced to betray me by the seductive magic of a woman who removed his free will.

If he betrayed me, it would be because he wanted to. Not because of anything some other woman did.

longweight · 12/02/2011 17:50

I 100% trusted ex dh to be faithful and despite his many faults I believe that he was. It would have made leaving him so much easier had he cheated or hit me, I often wished he would so I could go and have a concrete reason that would be easy to explain.

He worked away frequently and would be out with friends all weekend but I completely trusted that he would not stray.

CrystalStair · 12/02/2011 17:59

I trust my DH. He is a terrible actor. He has a very strong sense of family - his brother recently had an affair - very destructive. DH found it very painful and thinks that his bro was betraying the children as much as his wife and can't envisage ever doing that. He says he can imagine finding another woman attractive but not more important than me or the life we have made. He is honest. I am lucky. I have been tempted myself and chose not to pursue a very flattering offer. I can see how you might be tempted but not act because what you have is too precious. I believe he feels that way too.

squeakytoy · 12/02/2011 18:01

I 100% trust mine... he is too bloody lazy to stray.. lol...

Seriously though, he just wouldnt, he doesnt flirt apart from jokingly with my mates and his own mates wives, and even then its always completely harmless and public.

Neither of us are jealous or have any reason to be jealous and never have. I knew him for a long time before we got together so had watched him in action from afar.. all his mates are decent blokes too who are all happily married or faithful in their relationships... his first wife left him because he was "too boring", and she had a few affairs... I quite like my "boring" bloke... he is reliable and faithful, even if he is very predictable... lol!

carmenelectra · 12/02/2011 18:05

WWIF, I agree with you totally. I did used to view our relationship with the opinion thayt my DP wouldn't cheat if he found me attractive and our sex life was good etc. I thought that cheating(usually) was a result of an unhappy relationship. I don't so much now.

However, if I discuss it with my dp he says that why would he ever cheat because he has all he wants and he is totally happy. He has the belief that you say I have.

I don't think would seek out a woman, he for instance would not go and pay , even if he worked abroad and prostitution was rife or easily available. He has the same views on this as me and the same values. An affair though, no one is immume are they? But he knows my boundaries

OP posts:
Adversecamber · 12/02/2011 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoffinMum · 12/02/2011 18:12

I trust my DH 100% but we have an agreement that an accidental drunken snog on either side at a conference or something would not constitute a complete disaster. That having been said, we do fancy each other like mad so I don't think it's ever been on the cards.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 12/02/2011 19:07

Well carmen it might be worth talking to your DP about those views of his, because the people who think that a man is only unfaithful if he is "unhappy at home" are amongst the most vulnerable - and the very sort of people to convince themselves that something must be drastically wrong with the relationship, for their own infidelity to have happened.

People who think they are immune are often the most vulnerable, because they under-estimate the power of a new crush and completely fail to take sensible precautions in their friendships. Whereas the people who are more pragmatic and wise to the possibilities, back away earlier.

If you are concerned about this and have an open relationship with your DP, why don't you read Not Just Friends together? That's not being insecure, jealous or paranoid....just mature and sensible. I wish that more people in relationships would read it, instead of only reaching for it, after the horse has bolted.

Ormirian · 12/02/2011 19:16

No I don't.

Because:

a. I am confident in what he feels for me
b. there is bugger all I can do about it if he is going to stray.

CheerfulV · 12/02/2011 19:36

I don't think I'll ever trust a man 100% again, but that's after a betrayal where before there was complete faith & trust. I'm in awe of and envious of those who have either a) found a gem of a person they feel they can trust completely or b) Decided to trust again anyway after bad experiences in the past.

Learning to trust again is probably a lesson for me but I think it'll probably take the rest of my life to master it :(

CheerfulV · 12/02/2011 19:38

WWIFN, wise words as usual, and I keep meaning to read Glass's Not Just Friends, it sounds so helpful and, well.. essential for any relationship, really.

Gay40 · 12/02/2011 19:38

I know for sure no other woman could tempt DP away from me. If she chose to have an affair it would be entirely her choice. And her responsibility to face the music.

threecurrantbuns · 12/02/2011 19:59

I completely trust my dh until this thread cant say its ever even crossed my mind he would cheat...we both have VERY strong views on it!!

Saying that maybe if you sopke to people whos partners did cheat on them they may have felt the same!? I agree with ormirian (partB)

carmenelectra · 12/02/2011 20:11

WWIFN,

I doubt my partner would read such a book.
He would not see it as relevant to us. He is a very down to earth regular kind of bloke who doesn't really have friendships with women. He works with men mostly and very very rarely socialises with female colleagues. Maybe Christmas do's.I would say say that are no friendships where a boundary could be crossed. If he goes for a drink its with male mates.

We do talk a lot about this sort of thing though and our particular boundaries are clear. None of us would be very tolerant. His ex had a male 'friend' who she ultimately left my dp for.

I will say I am generally very confident and not insecure but some of the threads on here have made me question how secure a relationship can ever be.

I would like to read that book myself out of interest though

OP posts:
carmenelectra · 12/02/2011 20:17

Oh I meant to add that I would bet on my life that my dp has been 100% faithful to me but I guess that's what most women who have been cheated on would say too(before discovering).

I guess that not all cheaters are the obvious philandering, outwardly flitatious types?

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 12/02/2011 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TobyLerone · 12/02/2011 20:39

Totally trust him. He's far more attractive than I am, and much younger, but we communicate in an incredible way and I am certain we'd know about any issues which may make him tempted to cheat before it happened, and either address them or finish it.

He's very moral, and I honestly don't think he'd ever do that. In my most secure moments I worry very occasionally that he might prefer someone younger/thinner/hotter. But I trust him 100% to tell me/end it with me if that were the case, rather than cheating on me.