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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ah, so here is the anger part of being left....

32 replies

Scorps · 11/02/2011 16:43

It's taken a year, but here I am.

Story in a nutshell: husband left me at 37 weeks with dc4 after affairs, lies, etc etc. Have coped fine since, yes lots of downs but my life is back on track.

This anger is all consuming. I have been utterly vile towards him, have made him cry, all sorts. Today it has been fuelled by the last OW DP messaging me, saying that he has contacted her since (whilst we were in Relate!) saying he's single now, meet me, blah blah. He denies this.

I am not an angry person, so this level of anger and hatred is all consuming. He is disgusting and vile. I can't keep being this way with him; it's no good for any of us. I'm at a loss as how to move past the anger. He pulls his weight with dc; money; everything.

OP posts:
lovemyalfa · 11/02/2011 17:01

Scorps so sorry to hear you're having such a horrible time. Is there any way you can take a break from the situation for a while? Take the kids away for a few days to get some space and perspective? It sounds like you're close to breaking point with him, you've not forgiven him for what he did and you sound hugely unhappy.
Never mind about pulling his weight, money etc do you want to spend your life with this man? That's a serious question...

Original poster
Scorps · 11/02/2011 17:03

We have been apart for over a year, i want nothing to do with him; I'm struggling with the anger of it all, really. I'm happy enough now - lots of friends, the dc are great, i have hobbies....i just wish he would disappear! It's hard for me as I'm normally so easy going.

OP posts:
robberbutton · 11/02/2011 17:09

You're not with him though, are you? Have read some of your previous threads, think you've done amazingly. Is this just about working out a way to be civil to him when you see him for DC exchanges etc?

Righteous anger is useful, it helps get you through, disconnect, do what you need to leave and survive. But I guess you've been through that, and now how you feel is just debilitating and destructive, stopping you from moving on with your life.

I would imagine the answer lies with forgiveness, but no advice on that, am working on it myself. So not sure what use this post is, guess I just wanted to see if I was understanding your situation correctly.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2011 17:56

Scorps, it's been a long time coming, but it is normal

Of course you are angry, what a pity that his fuckwitery is still coming out of the woodwork even now

I hink that is a measure of exactly how badly he treated you

you are realising more and more you didn't deserve it...anger is healthy

you will get past it, you have to really, just like you have got past everyhing else you didn't want to have to face

lovemyalfa · 11/02/2011 17:58

Sorry Scorps I misunderstood I thought you must have taken him back. Why are people still contacting you with information about who he's seeing? And more to the point why do you still care?
It sounds like you have every right to be angry but I wonder how he is still able to push your buttons after so much time apart.

Original poster
Scorps · 11/02/2011 23:27

No, no, not with him at all. Do not want to be.

I kind of thought the anger was normal, it's just an alien feeling for me and that's why I'm struggling. I have no enemies in life at all, very little experience to help me through this. I am civil on the face of it to him, it's the underlying things.

It's not that he is pushing my buttons - it's that more lies are STILL emerging, and i think like AF says it's because I am realising and knowing who he is now. I really do not care who or what he he sees/does now - this is from when we were married still.

I am starting divorce proceedings next week.

AF I am pleased you found this; you have helped me immensely and make me feel normal! I read that anger is the last stage before acceptance. It is just alien to me. I don't feel I can forgive; I'm forgetting. I have had a somewhat privileged and sheltered upbringing and I know I'm naive - that's why the anger is alien to me. I'm turning it into a positive thank god you're not my problem feeling instead.

robber - i have been through the dark days of just survival, it's nothing like that anymore. I just wish to feel indifferent of him rather than have any opinion, iyswim. I think again it's a time thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scorps · 11/02/2011 23:30

It's almost like I need a way to stop myself being so vile. I was utterly horrid. It's not good, for anyone. Yes it feels justified and the things i have said are not lies, but it's silly really. But I can't help it. And it needs to stop.

But I have been eating Grin

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/02/2011 23:33

You don't have to forgive him

What he did was unforgiveable

Start those proceedings...erase more of him from your life

Soon the only connection you have will be as co-parents, you are soooo far down that road already

Original poster
Scorps · 11/02/2011 23:36

Yes I am [preen] and tbh I think divorcing him will feel empowering more than anything because it's MY decision.

I don't wish to forgive him. at all.

I do want to feel less vile though. I shocked myself. And the thing is, I'm not one of those 'oh you're a cunt' people, I'm far worse and don't use names or swear words, iyswim, it's awful. I made him cry.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/02/2011 23:38

I don't care that he cried.

You cried enough tears to fill a river 2000 times over

I just really don't care

I don't think you should either

However, if your strong emotions are making you feel bad, you have a point

Just don't worry about his

Original poster
Scorps · 11/02/2011 23:47

Yes they're making me feel bad, I couldn't care if he cried himself to sleep, but I care that i had that power to make someone cry, iyswim. It's almost like i need a talking to, to make myself stop doing it. Itt feels good for a while and then I feel juvenile and ashamed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scorps · 11/02/2011 23:50

Oh and whilst I'm here, i need to tell you... i have a male friend Grin. just a friend but he's so sweet. It feels nice to have a man to talk to before when i was never allowed.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/02/2011 23:57

< allows self a smug little Smile >

Is new friend from the gym ?

Sweet is good, I like sweet

Original poster
Scorps · 12/02/2011 00:02

No, he's a girlfriend's friend iyswim. He is lovely, really really sweet. We went to the cinema with ds1 tonight and he paid even htough i told him no. We go on non-dates (we actually call them this!)and eat out, go cinema etc and no funny business :)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 00:03

ok

I get it

take things slowly, build up your confidence

even if no romance comes of it, you get to "practice" a little bit

I bet he has an almighty crush on you though Wink

Original poster
Scorps · 12/02/2011 00:06

it will never be a romance thing, i have been very very clear. Um yes ithink he does Blush but he knows the score, i am not misleading. He's v intelligent too (Solicitor) and is good to talk to an intelligent man. I was fiding dc hard the other day so he came up here and put DVD on and gave me a hug, was nice. It is confidence boosting but not in a using him way iyswim.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 00:07

Sounds nice, and non-threatening Smile

Original poster
Scorps · 12/02/2011 00:09

Yes he's very nice. I wish i hearted him but i don't. Sigh. Grin

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 00:11

There is plenty of time for hearting

If not him, someone else will be along

But not until you are ready

Original poster
Scorps · 12/02/2011 00:12

I know that now :)

First driving lesson tomorrow!!!

So the whole anger thing - I can't ignore it, maybe try and turn it around to a positive?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2011 00:14

Yes

And it too shall pass

Good luck with the driving lesson !

good night x

Original poster
Scorps · 12/02/2011 00:14

Night :)

OP posts:
ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 12/02/2011 00:26

Scorps - you are doing so, so well. You have come so far. I don't know 'how' you get past the anger really, you just do - it's been a year, they say it normally takes 2... so it's not suprising that different emotions are still coming out. What he did was utterly vile and still finding out stuff now, a year later, is crap.

With the anger - any chance it's hormonal? Last year I went through a few months of really really bad PMT, I never really understood what it was like before - it floored me, I was like a completely different person, I was vile - it took a couple of months for it to click as PMT then a couple of months later it went and (thank god) haven't had it since!?

Hang in there - this too will pass x

robberbutton · 12/02/2011 00:35

I don't think forgiveness means you ever have to think that what he did was ok, or make things especially easy or nice for him. In your case i think it's more about putting him to one side, not worrying about whether he's suffering enough or paying for what he's done. Of course he will do, he lost you and a proper full life with his children. It seems unfair and unjust that you suffered so horribly and are left with the hard slog of being a single mum, but he has to live with his guilt and shame for the rest of his life, while you are free to meet lovely new men :) You are free of the kind of person he is and what he is capable of - he never will be.

Hope that makes sense, it's v late, just didn't want you to think I meant you had to condone anything Confused

MummieHunnie · 12/02/2011 00:39

I remember after so much crap from the exh, that I got that unbelievable anger you describe, it was like I was a walking redness of anger, I had never had before, once life settles down you will, you really need his crap to stop damaging your life for the anger to slowly subside. I think it is normally worse in situations where there has been affairs, as they are all part of lies/deception and lack of trust!

It will pass, give it time.