How do I get my DH to have arguments?

[fairyfart]

Have been together for nearly 11 years, and can honestly say that in all that time we have NEVER had a proper argument.
We just seem to avoid having a blazing row where we air our grievances.
We are like that couple in some old B& W film with the typical British stiff upper lip attitude who just brush over any differences and pretend that all is okay.
I think this is killing our relationship though. We never say what we really feel and just seem to tiptoe round each other. I have tried on numerous occassions to get him to 'talk' to me, but he is not able, or unwilling to express his feelings.
So what can I do? We can't carry on like this, it just feels so unhealthy.

my DPs like that too - so any "arguments" we have generally consist of me eventually giving him the silent treatment - which is hellish! The worst argument we ever had was him going to bed without telling me...

I think you just have to accept that's how he is - DPs father was the same.

But why do we have to accept it?
I read threads on here of couples arguing like cat and dog all the time. To me this is good. Well, not godd, but normal. It's so hard keeping things in. Am tired of this now and just want us to clear the air, but it will be me shouting at him, and him doing nothing really.

Why do you need to shout to air your grievences?

I used to be a shouter. My husband shuts down totally if you shout at him. And he never raises his voice, ever. I learned very quickly that you feel very foolish shouting all by yourself and I learned to talk instead. I really don't think that trying to get into a blazing row is helpful at all.

If he won't talk, then maybe he will listen. don't tiptoe. Tell him how you feel. Give him a specific problem and ask him how he thinks you could work together to solve it.

There is nothing wrong with challenging him. Just because he won't talk, doesn't mean that you can't raise an issue. So if there is something you are not happy about - say so.

It's not a case of shout or keep it all in. There are other options.

Hecate, I see your point re shouting, but what do you do with a DH who won't talk, won't open up to you?
It's easy to say that I should talk, but one way conversations are pointless. That's why I think couples who actually argue with each other have much better relationships IYSWIM.

couples who shout and yell, very rarely listen. Shouting is about anger. You are too busy yelling and getting out how you feel that you aren't really taking in what the other person is saying.

Nothing is ever resolved by yelling.

It can be resolved by talking calmly after you're finished yelling. But not by yelling.

Have you considered writing to him? Some people find it easier to take in information written down.

Also, are you specific enough? I know I am too vague. It's all 'always' this and 'everything' that and 'you ALWAYS' and 'you NEVER' and it doesn't get a good response. Whereas if I can discuss a specific event or behaviour, with examples, I find I get somewhere with that.

Is there an example of something that you are not happy with and that you would want to talk about with your husband?

Yes there is.
Basically, I want him to be honest with me....I hate liars.
He has recently become very distant and i have broached the subject of us seperating. He 'says' hes happy as things are and has no problems. I on the other hand, think he is not being completely open with me.
I think he is prepared to stay in a relationship with me. even though he doesn't really want to, rather than go through a divorce which wil, he fears, cost him everything financially.
Although I fear this is the case, I cannot believe that anyone would stay with someone they don't love just because of material things they fear they might lose, ie house which is his pension plan.

Ah. I'm really sorry to hear that.

I had no idea you were talking about troubles so serious.

Are you happy being with him? If you think that he does not want to be with you, and you do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with you - you could always initiate a seperation?

what is it that makes you think you cannot take him at his word? When you say "Well, you say you are happy but you do x, y, z which seems to indicate otherwise, why do you do those things..?" what does he say?

That's just it, he doesn't say. I start a 'talk' about our relationship and he just says he's quite happy as things are. But we just don't communicate like a normal couple. If you had read my other posts you would know about the Facebook thing. In that particular case, he chose to 'communicate' with me ( and numerous others) about how he saw our relationship. In a normal marriage, surely DH would just speak to me, face to face?
I just feel that he is staying in this relationship, not because he is scared of losing me and DCs, but because, as he is always pointing out to all, women will take you for everything you've got.
Sorry for rambling.

You're not rambling. I'm sorry that I don't know your other posts. What I have said is clearly totally irrelevent to your situation.

What about just leaving him?

You seem to be giving him all the power.

You can choose to walk away. At least then you wouldn't be living in this kind of torturous limbo.

Or you could say "look, you either work with me to work this out or I will leave you and then all your fears about losing money will come true. Your choice."

Tried this. Actually went to see a solicitor and told DH afterwards that I had been to see about a divorce.
Most men here would have by now argued, put up a fight, tried to stop me? Yes, but not him. He just said that he could do nothing to stop me. I cannot argue and therefore resolve a situation with a man like this, who obviously has no desire to save his marriage on the one hand, but is scared of splitting up cos he will lose all material goods on the other in my opinion.

Well, I don't know anything other than what you've posted, but what you've written here doesn't indicate a man who gives a crap.

So why don't you take it out of his hands and vote with your feet?

Thing is, I love him and I want to make this marriage work.
But I also think I'm banging my head against a brick wall aren't I?
I remember my first marriage where my DH and I argued constantly, and we got divorced.
But we are now really good mates and I feel like he is a good friend.
Although we argued, at least we communicated.
Present DH has also stated that he does not want to be a weekend dad. Not because he will miss DCs during the week, but because if he has to have them at weekends he won't be able to do his sporty stuff then.
This is not painting a good picture of our marriage, is it?

No. It's not.

I think you are banging your head against a brick wall. He's said he can't stop you leaving. That's true, and it also suggests he isn't that fussed about whether you do. I didn't see your Facebook thread - are you saying he answered your "about us" questions via status updates???! If so, that's beyond strange. There's something unusual about his brain wiring, methinks, which would basically mean there's NOTHING to be done about it.

You seem to be a person who enjoys lively, meaningful rows debate. I am, too. I tried living the stiff-upper-lip thing but it's like being in a prison!

The problem is that you want him to be somebody he's not :(

I feel for you. I think many of us have been in a situation where we keep thinking "if only ..." almost as a way of avoiding the truth. He isn't that fussed if you leave. He doesn't do discussion. I'd give up on the empty threats, if I were you, and just do it. You can always make it a 3-month trial seperation, if you feel it would help you sort your feelings out.

What do your friends think about it all?

Have already suggested couselling, but he was not convinced.feel like we are 2 people who live in the same house, I am just reaching out to him ,but getting nothing in return.

OMG, have just read that phrase 'he just didn't seem to value me enough to talk to me'...that's it exactly.
So divorce is the only answere by the looks of it.

I don't have much advice really, except maybe give him an ultimatum - counselling or divorce? He may start talking in front of a counsellor as he would look rather silly if he just refused to acknowledge your concerns. Then perhaps he could 'learn' to communicate with you?

I have a similar problem and by God, the phase "I realised that I had stopped loving him, because he just didn't seem to value me enough to talk to me, I had to get out" resonated with me too.

Anything I am unhappy with and my H will simply respond - "Well if you don't like it leave me then" How nice.

It has set up this dynamic/script where I am portrayed as the hysterical shouting one and he is hen-pecked when in reality this is not the case, I think he does it deliberately to avoid having to compromise with me.

The only way I have ever managed to get him to change anything I needed changed (perfectly reasonable requests, like can we go somewhere together instead of separate nights out etc) is to actually state I'm leaving and begin taking steps to leave him because of issue x,y or z making me so unhappy. Then he will come back and discuss and compromise, but I shouldn't have to go to such extremes just for a discussion. It is VERY UNHEALTHY and I can feel my love for him eroding.

Sorry about rambling, hope you are ok and find some answers x keep posting

DH's birthday soon. Have decided to book a restaurant then go in for the kill...the big talk about which way we go.
If he still refuses to to open up to me then it will have to be separation. Can't carry on in such an emotionless atmosphere.
It was so sad today shopping in a card shop for a Bday card and seeing all those people buying valentine cards and soft teddies etc.