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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stand up to MIL without upsetting DH

29 replies

ohwoeisshe · 10/02/2011 17:32

To cut a long story short DH and I had a huge argument with PIL a while ago over some members of his family, who are highly unpleasant. They don't see it that way of course and we were outcast.

DH eventually gave in because he didn't want to lose his parents over it. I however didn't give in and still feel the same.

Moving on from that I now have a religious event to organise for DS and have been told by MIL that she has invited the family members we dislike and they are coming!

PIL are not religious and in fact have been rude about the country my family come from and their religion. Yet they have now had a u turn and are inviting everyone they know to travel a long distance to be there.

I have said that it's not really important family event unless you are religious.

I didn't want a big event (esp. for cost reasons) and I certainly don't want a load of DH family there to sneer at our religion and traditions. I also don't want to have to do airport trips etc for these people, which we would be expected to do.

How can I resolve this without upsetting DH? I don't want him to think his family aren't welcome, because the nice ones who don't make rude comments are!

I could do it in secret, but that would feel wrong and DS might mention it.

If I tell MIL no, then DH will be outcast again :(

OP posts:
SpeedyGonzalez · 10/02/2011 17:35

Could you slap her without him seeing? You know you wanna!

Sorry, not constructive at all. Is it possible that your PIL have realised that their initial response to your country/ religion was out of order?

Also, what would it cost you to forgive your PIL for the initial falling-out? (this, by the way, is a genuine question, not a 'huh!' at your being angry with them - hope that's clear)

AMumInScotland · 10/02/2011 17:40

Could you say to her that you won't be able to cater for people, or put them up, or get them to/from the airport, because you'll both be focussed on DSs special day and don't want people to come all that way when you won't be able to do much with them?

Personally, I'd be very tempted to tell them the honest truth, and tell DH that I had no intention of being nice to people who were rude about me, but your shout on that one!

Original poster
ohwoeisshe · 10/02/2011 17:45

ha ha oh yes!

I can't forgive them because we told them something in confidence about what had happened to us at the hands of a particular member of the family. They went and told other members of the family and caused huge amounts of upset for us.

We expected them to try and smooth things over and not exacerbate the situation. DH hasn't really forgiven them, he just doesn't want to lose them.

I cannot allow this member of the family to attend, but they can't see why - although it is obvious to everyone else!

They just pretend all is fine and want us to as well Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
ohwoeisshe · 10/02/2011 17:48

I have already said we were going to cater for people - when it was only 20 or so and my family are paying for it.

DH would be pressurised into airport duty and he would give in to it. The whole thing will just turn into a week of taxi driving.

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 10/02/2011 17:51

So non religious people are actually going to travel by air to attend a religious rite of passage even though you don't get on????

Are they all bonkers?

Original poster
ohwoeisshe · 10/02/2011 17:56

Yes that's right!

It's all about how it looks to all their friends. PIL are pretending that nothing ever happened and we are one big happy family!

One week MIL is trying to talk me out of it and the next she is mustering the troops to attend.

It makes no sense at all.

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 10/02/2011 17:57

I think you have to tell her that you've got the invites and go through the envelopes.

Original poster
ohwoeisshe · 10/02/2011 18:11

The thing is that it doesn't usually have invites. People attend on a religious basis rather than a family one.

OP posts:
Bertina · 10/02/2011 18:15

DH has to decide whether he'd like to spend time helping with ds's event, spending time with you and ds, or taxi driving other family members he doesn't like, instead. I take it there are taxis available, or cars for hire?

Tell your PIL you are inviting your family members and the PIL (if you are) to your home after the event (if that's the tradition, I'm guessing first holy communion or a bar'mitzvah); other family members are welcome to arrange a do at your PIL's house or the travelodge of their choosing.

And for clarity - are your PILs a different religion to you and dh? and a bit racist toward your country?

Original poster
ohwoeisshe · 10/02/2011 18:25

DH would rather be with us, but I can see him bending to pressure as he would be expected to show them round.

We have invited PIL, but hadn't mentioned it to others.

Yes my family members will be hosting afterwards as they own a restaurant.

Yes PIL are of a different religion (well probably none at all), but would say so if asked!

Yes v ignorant about my country and it's religion.

OP posts:
msboogie · 10/02/2011 19:41

I would cancel it like a shot to be honest.

Cancel through either sheer bloody mindedness or lie about illness.Then reschedule it really quickly for a few days later when the shower of sh*ts haven't had a chance to rebook their flights.

You have to play people like this at their own game - sometimes the ends justify the means.

bumpybecky · 10/02/2011 19:44

I'd cancel it, reschedule on the quiet and not invite any inlaws

Inertia · 10/02/2011 20:34

You can't put up with this - based on what you have said about your dh's family, they could well start an argument at the event or the celebration. I would be tempted to cancel it, rearrange telling your family only, and let your PIL know a day or two before.

MummieHunnie · 10/02/2011 20:51

Is it a Communion or Bar'mitzvah?

I have been to a communion and the family were only given one bench each, the church was standing room only.

LittleMissHissyFit · 11/02/2011 00:04

cancel it, don't do it. Invent some poor sick old aunty and stick to the story.

It'll cause too much trouble to let these people all turn up and upset your family. Nothing is worth that.

ThePosieParker · 11/02/2011 09:21

Please please tell me that you're not mutilating your child.

Original poster
ohwoeisshe · 11/02/2011 09:36

Yes I think I will have to cancel and do it suddenly without warning to PIL. I think it is the only option.

Yes it is a communion, so limited church room depending on numbers of other families attending.

PosieParker - that is not the subject of this thread - so I should ignore you.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 11/02/2011 09:49

I would be honnest, and tell mil that there is not much room in the church and the whole point is the religious ceremony, that you want it to be only those that the ceremony is a genuine celebration, to be there not all these extended people.

I find it odd that the mil is taking the mick of the oldest form of Christianity Hmm, so is she taking the mick also out of a country where this is part of the culture, like Italy/Spain/Ireland? That sounds racist to me, and I would not want people at a religious ceremony who were taking the mick of the religion and being racist about my child's relatives, it is humiliating for your child really, and taking the shine off the religious meaning.

It is not all about your mil, this is all about your child.

ThePosieParker · 11/02/2011 09:50

TBH I think a Christian communion which is about 'family' 'forgiveness' 'welcoming into the church''affirmation of belief' really is a time to turn the other cheek....

Slightly hypocritical to not be above and beyond ill feeling isn't it?

LittleMissHissyFit · 11/02/2011 10:02

Stuff that Posie! Grin Sounds like the IL are going to utterly RUIN the day not only for OPs DS, for her family and potentially other families attending the communion.

I think a clear message needs to be sent, in that they behaved badly the last time, and this is too important for your family to run the risk of any trouble.

If that means that they sulk for a while, so be it. Tell them that. You will not ruin an important family event for the sake of a bunch of people that fancy a jolly and will not respect the church your family or its traditions. Once you have taken a deep breath and said it, all you have to do is to say No, This is how it will be.

OP, How ELSE do you think you are going to assume the role of matriarch of your family?

You have to stand up and make tough decisions.

ThePosieParker · 11/02/2011 10:44

You have to bamboozal them with kindness and religious blessing!

VerintheWhite · 11/02/2011 16:25

+1 for cancelling and chosing a new private date.

VerintheWhite · 11/02/2011 16:30

Or you could tell them its a nudist event... :o

Original poster
ohwoeisshe · 11/02/2011 17:02

Ooh I like the idea of a nudist event - PIL are so prudish that it would be hilarious! However the church may not approve!

LittleMissHissyFit we tried the 'NO' approach before and that just caused us so much trouble and heartache that DH gave in to them. They are very manipulative, but to everyone else appear wonderful and saintly!

I stand my ground on most things, but when it comes to this particular family member PIL will move mountains for them and expect everyone else to as well.

Posie - are you in a bad mood and just looking for an argument? I'm not a hypocrite, I am inviting PIL even though they have been absolutely awful to us. I am all for forgiveness, but when people start to take advantage of your forgiving nature, you have to draw a line.

OP posts:
Original poster
ohwoeisshe · 11/02/2011 17:06

MummieHunnie yes that is exactly what they are like, but discretely (or just within earshot of me).

MIL always tries to take over and you are right it is about DS and not her. She is just so sneaky that you don't see her doing it until it is too late.

It is a religious event and not a family get together which she must organise - grrrr

OP posts:
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