How do I stand up to MIL without upsetting DH

[ohwoeisshe]

To cut a long story short DH and I had a huge argument with PIL a while ago over some members of his family, who are highly unpleasant. They don't see it that way of course and we were outcast.

DH eventually gave in because he didn't want to lose his parents over it. I however didn't give in and still feel the same.

Moving on from that I now have a religious event to organise for DS and have been told by MIL that she has invited the family members we dislike and they are coming!

PIL are not religious and in fact have been rude about the country my family come from and their religion. Yet they have now had a u turn and are inviting everyone they know to travel a long distance to be there.

I have said that it's not really important family event unless you are religious.

I didn't want a big event (esp. for cost reasons) and I certainly don't want a load of DH family there to sneer at our religion and traditions. I also don't want to have to do airport trips etc for these people, which we would be expected to do.

How can I resolve this without upsetting DH? I don't want him to think his family aren't welcome, because the nice ones who don't make rude comments are!

I could do it in secret, but that would feel wrong and DS might mention it.

If I tell MIL no, then DH will be outcast again :(

ohwoeisshe - you tried the No and eventually gave up. I'm not judging, or critisising, but you need to be firm and take this through to the end.

You have DS, you will need to learn not to give in to him, which is really hard, but if you don't you will create a monster.

Somehow people have enabled their dreadful behaviour until now, and unless you stand up to them, you will allow them to carry on.

As I said, no-one said being a matriarch was easy, but you BOTH have to say No and mean it.

Cancel the trip and reschedule it. Go and do it with your family and when you are back here, attend a communion local to you and invite the shockers ILs. Then you won't have to put them up, do airport pick ups etc, they can attend, piss everyone off and make their own way home...

Under no circumstances allow them to hijack your family event/trip DS first communion, they will ruin it for your family and other innocent strangers at the service too.

Another vote for cancelling and rescheduling without PILs knowing the new date. If they are not religious at all, and have no truck with your religion, why do they even want to come?

When we had DS christened, the only person at the event who wasn't in some way religious was my DH (who was raised Catholic but really doesn't believe in any of it now - but agreed to the christening because I wanted it) - I didn't even invite good friends who were non-religious because I couldn't see the point.

If they are dreadful they should not be there. If they are not religious or a different one from yours it shouldn't be an issue.

My dh is pushing for our ds to be baptised etc - but were I to be convinced to do it of course I'd be there (as mother) and my family too who are either not religious or from a completely different faith. They'd want to be there for ds. People of all sorts of beliefs attend a wide range of events.

But if they're going to kick off I'd keep them away. And it's not for your mil to invite people - it's for you and your dh.

tell her its been cancelled because the priest got swine flu

then tell them the night before that a new priest has been shipped in and its going ahead after all.

if you have problems with lying - go to confession god will forgive you ...amen