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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting relationship advice. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide.

Relationships

Anyone still enjoying sex after having children?

48 replies

TDelight · 13/10/2005 17:45

I have been married for 6 years, have a great marriage and 2 beautiful daughters, 2 years and 8 months. I used to love to have sex but since having children I have lost the desire to have sex. I love my husband but I just never feel "horny" or wanting to have sex, I don't even get wet properly during sex. I try to have sex with my husband once/twice a week and surprisingly I enjoy it once we have started it but I am so not interested in initiating it... My husband is very considerate in bed, it is not like I am expected to perform solo but still it is soo hard to even think about having sex. I love to cuddle up in bed, and kiss, but that always leads to sex so I don't like doing that anymore.. Is there anything out there (herbal remedy/medicine) that would help increase my libido? I don't want to upset my husband or stop having sex with him... I love him and I want to please him but I don't know how to get the desire back! Sorry if I have offended anyone with a lot of "sex" talk but I need help!

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foxinsocks · 13/10/2005 17:52

Are you on the pill?

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TDelight · 13/10/2005 17:54

Yes I am- but I only started using in 2.5 months ago... (Previously used it as well)

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nailpolish · 13/10/2005 17:55

i was going to ask if you were on the pill too cos i found st johns wort helped me (made me less anxious)

and also we have perfected the art of silent sex (well, quiet!) as dd's seem to have spidey-sense when it comes to any noise after 8pm

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CarolinaFullMoon · 13/10/2005 17:57

aren't you just too knackered with 2 little ones? I've only got one and I would much rather have a kip atm than a shag.

not much help, sorry.

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TDelight · 13/10/2005 17:58

Nailpolish- which brand did you use? There are SO many herbal remedies out there but not all are good as far as I know... Noise is not an issue with us- kids sleep well... it is just that mummy usually wants to sleep too... )

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foxinsocks · 13/10/2005 17:59

I found stopping the pill did me wonders!

I think what you describe is very very common. How do you feel about yourself at the moment?

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TDelight · 13/10/2005 18:01

CarolinaFullMoon- got lots of help at hand (as per dh wishes) but it doesn't do the trick- ie I still feel "tired" at the end of the day. In fact if we are going out to dinner or to a friends I get very energetic all of a sudden! It is just when I am going to bed when I know he will want to have sex that I feel tired!

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Mimi5 · 13/10/2005 18:02

Sex is better than ever and since birth of number 4 more frequent than ever! Now pg with number five and currently in the 'porn star' stage. maybe we are just lucky but 15 years on I am very pleased with an un-expectedly good sex life!!!!!!!!!

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nailpolish · 13/10/2005 18:04

tdelight - i have 2 girls aged 3 and almost 1 - so just about the same as you and i know how you feel - i felt a bit like you do now, about 6 months ago

i stopped my pill (hated it, made me feel shit, and i was very forgetful at taking it too), got a non-hormonal (ie copper) coil (i didnt want any fake hormones at all) and started to take st johns wort (Kira 300mg once-a-day tablets)

and i feel a lot better

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bonym · 13/10/2005 18:05

Agree that the pill can really dampen libido - one of the reasons why I came off it.

Dd2 is 6 months and I enjoy sex as much as ever.

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TDelight · 13/10/2005 18:05

foxinsocks-
1- I feel a bit depressed sometimes (ie don't want to get out of bed, feel tired, don't want to do much etc. but I still run around and do what I need to do)

2- I cry at EVERY emotional thing I see on telly- it could even be a happy commercial- I am in tears

3- I was prescribed iron tablets after pregnancy... anything there?

4- Feel a bit overweight- which doesn't help it cause I want to be "attractive" for my husband.. he doesn't have an issue I guess but it is all in my mind..

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nailpolish · 13/10/2005 18:05

DONT wait til bedtime is another thing - then you are thinking about sleep.

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TDelight · 13/10/2005 18:06

nailpolish- does the coil hurt when they insert it?
ALso I have PCOS so the pill helps with skin problems.. or so it should!

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TDelight · 13/10/2005 18:07

nailpolish-I like that advice- not to leave it too late!

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TDelight · 13/10/2005 18:08

Mimi5- you are SOOO lucky! Keep on the good work!!!

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nailpolish · 13/10/2005 18:09

it did hurt (i wont lie to you!)

was a bit like several 'nips' when it was put in and like a really sore period pain for a few days (but i got prescription painkillers from them at the time)

my periods are a little heavier but shorter now and i dont have to think about contraception for 8 years now! and i dont have these horrid fake hormones rampaging through my body

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TDelight · 13/10/2005 18:10

.......gotta go and bath my girls now.. will be back later.. thank you for the advice- keep it coming please!!!

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foxinsocks · 13/10/2005 18:10

You are probably knackered! Weirdly, I also had to take iron tablets - are you still taking them? I swapped to Floradix (but check with your GP/health visitor if you're badly anaemic if you swap) and I found that suited me much better - it also contains some essential B vitamins - these are the ones we use up when we're stressed!

It may be worth getting your iron tested first - perhaps you are still anaemic (this would account for tiredness, though 2 your age would tire out even those with loads of iron!). Also, have you had your thyroid tested?

Also, your description of perking up when you're out to see friends makes it sound like perhaps you're not getting very much ME time at the moment. Any way you could schedule some pampering time for yourself (a weekend afternoon)?

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nailpolish · 13/10/2005 18:15

awww fosinsocks you are lovely

some me time would definitely be a good thing

i know that "perk-up" feeling when going out with the girls

instead, tdelight, put babies to bed, turn off telly, and stick on some sexy tunes and have a night-in with dh

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TDelight · 13/10/2005 19:05

foxinsocks- I probably need to have iron and thyroids tested.. definitely- there must be something missing/lacking in me! I used to be so energetic..
ME time- I have lots of it actually- Just last week I was in Ireland for 3 days with dh, who was working while I was shoppin'till I dropped in Grafton street! I am on maternity leave, have plenty of help at home with kids and housework (basically need to do nothing if I wanted to but I still cloose to do a lot) I would like to socialize a bit more with friends etc. I have no girl friends whatsoever, only couple friends some much older, and some work mates which I haven't seen in ages..

Nailpolish- will do if I get the "energy" smile

I used to be sexy- what happened to meeeeee??????

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nailpolish · 13/10/2005 19:08

tdelight

where do you live? have a nose around mumsnet meet-up threads

at risk of repeating, stop the pill and i bet you see a change

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foxinsocks · 13/10/2005 19:12

I do think that childbirth changes some women hormonally. I know a lot of people who say they feel exactly as they did before they had children but I know I have changed completely - I had never in my life had a headache before I had kids and now every time I get my period, I get a headache. According to the doctors, that is completely hormonal (so something must have changed).

I think the fact that you are quite happy having it once you've started means you're probably not too far from initiating it yourself! It sounds to me that you have a pretty low self image at the moment - have you thought about factoring in some exercise? (not saying that you need to, but even mild exercise will probably make you feel better about yourself).

Also, don't factor out any medical issue (like iron/thyroid). Have you tried fish oils & st john's wort? Might be worth a few months trial basis to see what happens.

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nailpolish · 13/10/2005 19:15

but remember you cant take st johns wort if you are on the pill

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TDelight · 13/10/2005 19:18

Nailpolish- will look up meet-ups- I meant to do it but have never had a chance!
The pill is a funny one- I don't believe it is a major cause of my problems because I hadn't been using it for 20 months or so as I was trying to conceive, got pregnant, had baby, and as I said only started them again 2.5 months ago. So I can't see that it has effected me... I think I have a physiological reason + pyschological, ie don't find myself as attractive after having babies, although by no means I am obese or "fat"- I am just a stone over my preferred weight. Also I was breastfeeding for 4 months and my GP said it could cause dryness... We're over that now so I am trying to find out how to get over this.. It has been going on for a couple of years though...

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TDelight · 13/10/2005 19:20

foxinsocks- i will definitely check out the medical issue with my GP and try some herbal/medical remedies...

I do exercise- and I love it when I can bring myself to go to the gym. Again I have a problem with initiation- how strange!

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