Controlling?

[HystericalMe]

I am finding my boyfriend to be mildly controlling and so irritating. The more I mention it, the harder he tries to tone it down and it has improved over the 5-6 months we've been seeing each other!!!

He used to really pick on things, buy things for me and then check I was using them properly and cleaning them properly - he doesn't do this since I told him I didn't like it.

At the wkend he came round to my flat and when he arrived I was dressed to go out. I explained (as there had been a bit of an issue where he had wanted to buy me a dress) that I had been dressing up and was just choosing what to wear out. He suggested I try a specific dress. I said, actually I am fine in what I'm wearing now - I feel comfortable.

He then went to look in the wardrobe for the dress.
I then stomped off and got myself really angry.
I came back into the room, sat down next to him and had a bit of a shout - although calm and reasoned but I was raising my voice a bit - to talk through exactly what had just happened and that I always feel like something like this will happen and he wont take no for an answer. I said he didn't need to pick my outfit for me and insinuate that my clothes didn't look good.

He then said, shall I go home and I then said he was making it worse.
After a bit I decided to change my clothes and we went out.

Grrr.

Thing is, everything else was fine, the night was fun and we had a good time.

We enjoy doing stuff together but I find him to be quite OCD about cleaning, and mine is very much a lived in flat complete with a nightmare of bbs mice and all sorts of overcluttering. However, I find he often behaves as if it is his flat, walking in the door and spending ages shuffling things around and tidying up. I think he tries to contain it, i.e. clear and tidy when I'm not looking!

So, the thing is, its mildly irritating but at the moment not realistically a problem. e.g. whoever complained because someone came round and helpfully tidied up!?

I'm just overly aware of it and the moment he does something I see as controlling I tell him... I'm due to see him at the weekend and I feel the same as I do if anyone was coming round - like I really need to declutter and tidy my flat.

I know there is no such thing as 'normal' but seeing someone after living together with a previous bf for 5 years is really odd having someone with new rules and expectations coming into my life. Do other people find it this difficult? Am I making a big deal out of normal relationship issues?

I'm not saying he's not a controlling arse, but alternatively maybe he has a touch of OCD and really can't help it, and/or Asperger's or other condition that makes it hard to understand other people's feelings. From his point of view, if he is obsessively tidy he may find it very hard to understand that you're ok with untidiness. He wants to make it right for you, and to him right means tidy. Thus perhaps he is genuinely confused as to why you might object to him "improving" your house, outfit, or any other thing that he wants to make better for you. Although this would not make him a bad person it would mean he is one with a very narrow, inflexible view of life (and one I'd be tempted to ding round the head with a frying pan, frankly). He may never get nasty about it but it could make your life an endless series of confrontations. Worth the risk? Well, you're only dating at the moment, it's up to you whether the fun makes up for the irritation. I wouldn't let him get away with ordering you about or checking up on what you do with presents (?!) or rummaging in your stuff though. It's discourteous at best.

Mind you if you're flat's really filthy or dangerously cluttered, maybe he's got a point!

It seems weird that he's trying to control what you wear, I would not like that at all. Big alarm bells for me too. Though can't help thinking about how lots of women tell their partner/husband what they're 'allowed' to wear, and even buy their clothes for them! (admittedly usually not until a bit later in the relationship!).

The tidiness thing - not necessarily bad in itself (though maybe a source of conflict if you move in together) but it does sound a bit strange that he's treating your flat as though it's his, not respecting your boundaries.

I would think very carefully about what living together/married life would be like with him, that's a very different question from liking each other/having fun together when you go out.

At the very least, perhaps you're not all that compatible?

He's like this now when you at least you have your own space. Imagine having to share a place and keep it up to his standards? Think of the endless battles ahead and how ground down you would get...

OP: What do you think of this outfit?
Normal Bloke: What about that red dress you have?
OP: Nah, I'm comfortable wearing this for now.
Normal Bloke: OK then, let's go.

OP: What do you think of this outfit?
This Bloke: What about that red dress you have?
OP: Nah, I'm comfortable wearing this for now.
This Bloke: I'll go and get it for you
OP: no that's OK I'm fine like this
This Bloke: I Insist
OP: (Rightly) Like HELL you will.
This Bloke: Strop and Sulk, I'll be leaving then.

Let me tell you that this guy is holding himself back. This will get WORSE a LOT worse.

Run like the farking wind. when you get there, take a breath and keep farking running!

Have a look here for what the future will bring.. if not started already

I only read your first paragraph and I find it very scary behaviour. I'd run, sorry. He's a scary man!

The thing is, HystericalMe, this not normal behavior will ultimately have the effect that you do not exist. I don't mean physically of course; but in an emotionally unhealthy way. This behavior will render you invisible. Your opinions will not matter. Your thoughts will be dismissed/rediculed. Your efforts will be degraded.

This is the grinding down that was mentioned up thread. Your feelings will be stabbed so many times you'll be trained to not have any. That is why it is not mentally healthy to be around someone like this.

How do ladies get into this sort of situation? They are recruited. Monetary expenditures, the script of agreeableness and flattery, excessive favors to the tune of "he'd (or she'd) do anythig for me".

It is tricky to look thorough the 'good stuff' because that is the Princess Happily Ever After Story we want to happen to us.
Listen to your gut feelings. That is where the truth lies.

Claim obvious incompatibility and you can make a swift and graceful exit.

very controlling, YANBU

Control;ling? yes. Bonkers, too. He walked into your room and started picking out a dress for you? WTF?! No sane person behaves in this way. Run like the wind!

Be on your guard. . .this guy sounds to me like he has anger issues. Watch out. . .see how it goes, but dont put all your eggs in one basket !!

OK fabulous people. Thank you.

See, I'm reading all this and agreeing with those who're saying "controlling."
But then I'm also remembering all the times I've looked at what DH is wearing and said, "hmm, here's an idea, darling, why don't you wear anything other than that that black sweater you have?

Am I controlling? I do go over the kitchen surfaces again after he's smeared wiped them, and remove the cloth from where he's hung it to dry over the tap.

Tell me there's a difference. Please.

Get rid!!!

(Perhaps keep him on as a cleaner)

I think there's a difference, Clam. Unless you've told DH that he will wear the other sweater or you're calling a lawyer in the morning.

Plus they're your kitchen surfaces too, you can wipe them if you want to. If you started waving the cloth at someone else's sideboard it would be a different story. It would be peculiar.

RIZZ0