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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling?

39 replies

HystericalMe · 08/02/2011 23:47

I am finding my boyfriend to be mildly controlling and so irritating. The more I mention it, the harder he tries to tone it down and it has improved over the 5-6 months we've been seeing each other!!!

He used to really pick on things, buy things for me and then check I was using them properly and cleaning them properly - he doesn't do this since I told him I didn't like it.

At the wkend he came round to my flat and when he arrived I was dressed to go out. I explained (as there had been a bit of an issue where he had wanted to buy me a dress) that I had been dressing up and was just choosing what to wear out. He suggested I try a specific dress. I said, actually I am fine in what I'm wearing now - I feel comfortable.

He then went to look in the wardrobe for the dress.
I then stomped off and got myself really angry.
I came back into the room, sat down next to him and had a bit of a shout - although calm and reasoned but I was raising my voice a bit - to talk through exactly what had just happened and that I always feel like something like this will happen and he wont take no for an answer. I said he didn't need to pick my outfit for me and insinuate that my clothes didn't look good.

He then said, shall I go home and I then said he was making it worse.
After a bit I decided to change my clothes and we went out.

Grrr.

Thing is, everything else was fine, the night was fun and we had a good time.

We enjoy doing stuff together but I find him to be quite OCD about cleaning, and mine is very much a lived in flat complete with a nightmare of bbs mice and all sorts of overcluttering. However, I find he often behaves as if it is his flat, walking in the door and spending ages shuffling things around and tidying up. I think he tries to contain it, i.e. clear and tidy when I'm not looking!

So, the thing is, its mildly irritating but at the moment not realistically a problem. e.g. whoever complained because someone came round and helpfully tidied up!?

I'm just overly aware of it and the moment he does something I see as controlling I tell him... I'm due to see him at the weekend and I feel the same as I do if anyone was coming round - like I really need to declutter and tidy my flat.

I know there is no such thing as 'normal' but seeing someone after living together with a previous bf for 5 years is really odd having someone with new rules and expectations coming into my life. Do other people find it this difficult? Am I making a big deal out of normal relationship issues?

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 08/02/2011 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rupaul · 08/02/2011 23:53

You're lucky. You already know what would drive you mad in the future. He sounds more than midly annoying.

bubblewrapped · 09/02/2011 00:07

these are not normal relationship issues... this is a control freak in the making...

imagine how hard it would be to live with someone like this?

I would have a very serious think about where this relationship is heading :(

Original poster
HystericalMe · 09/02/2011 00:26

Right, thanks.

OP posts:
pickgo · 09/02/2011 00:37

Run like the wind.

Bertina · 09/02/2011 00:38

I mean this in the most supportive caring way possible:

run for the hills.

He will only get worse. It's very rude imo to come into someone else's home and start rearranging/tidying/cleaning. He doesn't see this, for whatever reason.

He sounds like he has some problems, which is a shame, but it's up to you to sort him out. He is a grown up, not a child.

LittleHouseByTheRiver · 09/02/2011 00:50

I have to confess that today I did the clearing up thing. I went round to visit my DS who is living with DD and DH in our family home. (I moved out, long story)

When I arrived the kitchen was filthy. So while we had a cup of tea and chatted I did a quick sweep and wipe and tidied up.

Now feeling slightly guilty. Was I being OCD and interfering or was I saving my DC from a slovenly mess? DS says it bothers him but it is too much for him to keep clean. DD says she is worn out trying and gets tearful and distressed. DH ignores it all and pays a cleaner to come once a week.

If it wasnt for them I would leave him in his shitty mess. Sad

OP I am sure your flat isnt as bad by any means but incompatibility over standards of tidiness is a major source of stress.

Be very wary!

realrabbit · 09/02/2011 00:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Stac2011 · 09/02/2011 01:07

to be honest there seems a lot that annoys you about him. I agree he shouldn't be picking things, tidying you etc but maybe your picking up on it more because you don't feel he's the one for you. At 5/6 months it should still be the honeymoon period not him trying to change and organise you. Why did you change? I'd have told him to go fwiw

ItsGraceAgain · 09/02/2011 01:13

Yikes. Telling you what to wear - or 'bantering' about what you wear, for that matter - is a MAJOR warning because it indicates he wants to change "you". As realrabbit points out, you then went along with it for a quiet life. Very bad sign :(

I get what you're saying about feeling unsure whether his behaviour is 'normal'. It's not. He does sound a bit OCD ... in a very controlling, interfering way. Hope you're taking all these replies on board! (Quickly, before he decides to monitor what you do on your computer.)

FWIW, I used to clean my sister's kitchen without asking her. I knew she had no time at all and the kitchen stressed her out; she appreciated it. That was an exception.

Mind you, I wouldn't mind someone doing my place now! Perhaps you could send him round - just the once, never to be seen again Grin

mummiehunnie · 09/02/2011 01:20

I think you have both found each other to annoy, he picked someone with a lived in house to get annoyed with, and you found someone who is ocd and controlling to get annoyed with, you can stay in a relationship that is annoying and try and make it work, and complain a lot, or find someone who is less annoying to you who you could have a nice life with.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2011 06:48

These are not however, normal relationship issues. There is no such thing also as being mildly controlling either.

A friend of mine was with a man like yours i.e OCD and controlling. She divorced him as she finally saw the light and was fed up with living in a cage of his own making. Do not let that happen to you.

Controlling behaviours like you describe on his part are abusive behaviours.

I would advise that you leave him whilst you still have some fight left because he will ground you down completely given time and then you won't know what day it is. Abuse like this too is insidious in its onset but now you have noticed you cannot compound your error by remaining with him. There are so many red flags here I have lost count.

Controlling men are angry men as well, would suggest you read "Why Does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

beijingaling · 09/02/2011 06:58

Run.

The whole 'making sure you use and look after things correctly is big enough on its own without even looking at the issue of you changing your clothes.

Imagine having children with someone who gave you no control over your life? You would be an unpaid slave.

Fwiw I wouldn't bother trying to change a relationship younger than a year if the bf had such big issues. I'd just walk out. Lifes too short.

AnyFucker · 09/02/2011 07:21

Alarm bell

Listen to it

ostracized · 09/02/2011 07:39

Definitely get rid - imagine living with someone like that - also you may have seen nothing of how angry and OCD he may become in the future, and how much of your own self-esteem you may lose in the process. Who cares if your flat is messy, he doesn't live there and he is coming to see you, not the flat. Big issue of mine as dh would like our house to be much tidier, even when I am thinking well it looks "okay" to me. It is a constant source of stress for us and has badly damaged our "relationship". I agree with the poster who said find someone who is less annoying to you to have a nice life with. Sorry if this is upsetting but my gut reaction, maybe influenced by my own life - of course only you can decide, but I don't think he is being "normal". Why did you change your clothes? Tell him to change his clothes next time - you are not an object which he owns and can do what he pleases with.

Chandon · 09/02/2011 07:54

just make sure you are clear about your boundaries.

It may still be early enough to just nip it in the bud.

Shame you did get changed in the end.

My Dh used to make comments about my clothes sometimes, in the beginning. He is very conservative, and I used to wear really (REALLY) short skirts. But I told him it wasn't up to him, and made a point of NOT changing how I dressed. He dropped it.

Still, looking back, I think they were very short but that's how I was then and I am glad I did not change for him.

shushpenfold · 09/02/2011 08:03

I've had 3 boyfriends who did this in varying degrees. All did it with clothing but nothing else - 1 I cared for and it annoyed me intensely (we split up but not because of that), 1 I mildly liked and it was just one more reason not to continue the relationship, one I really fell for and we've been married for 16 years now! It's only with clothes, it doesn't happen very often (less with time) and if I really want to wear something and he doesn't like it he knows that he'll get a 'f*ck off and choose your own clothes' comment............which it turns out he rather likes - apparently he never liked pushovers!!! Lighthearted comments aside though, unless you're happy to have a battle with everything (and going to my wardrobe to get 'his' dress would have me picking up his car keys and flinging them at him) with the distinct risk that this is a serious psychological problem on his part, which if you then have children could result in really nasty control issues..... RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!

LexieDexieM · 09/02/2011 08:17

It seems you have a very attentive significant other, and should be proud of that.

All to often we girls complain that men don't take interest in our clothing. We ask them if we look good in things and they say "yes, it's fine" because most of them honestly don't care what we are wearing. Yours however actively gets involved in your appearance.

So many men don't clean up for themselves, yours not only looks after his place, but will clean your place without even been asked!

Don't listen to the other people on this thread, they'll moan about anything. I bet if you made a post with the exact opposite complains (he's messy, uninterested in my attire) they'd tell you leave him also.

You have a winner Girl Friend!

wannabesybil · 09/02/2011 08:58

Lexie - I love the way you satirise the Surrendered (abused doormat) wife, it has really cheered me up this morning.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/02/2011 09:14

Lexie

Yours very unhelpful response at the very least which the OP should take no notice of.

I sincerely hope you were indeed satirising but if you class OPs bloke as a winner I would hate to see what loser is like.

emmyloopsylou · 09/02/2011 09:36

Good god listen to what he is doing and dump him.

Slugontoast · 09/02/2011 10:39

OP, if you can live with fine, if not its time to move on, he won't change and the controlling will extend to other things...

My DH started out like that, first it was clothes, and tidying my house and throwing away stuff (I have to admit I was untidy and did mildly hoard things). It does seem helpful at first, but then the penny drops that is is controlling.

An example - before DD was born, DH bought a leather sofa, so I could sit and feed her on it, and wipe any spills - all fine you may think, but I was 'not allowed' to feed her in bed, even at night, I 'had to' carry her downstairs in her moses basket to feed her on the sofa...seems quite mild but when there are many cumulative rules to follow it isn't.

ShirleyKnot · 09/02/2011 11:02

Arf @ Lexie.

You Go Girlfriend! (You forgot the clicky thingy thing)

OP - I agree with realrabbit further upthread. It is worrying to me that you are putting down your boundries "You will not tell me what to wear" and then you change them "OK, I will get changed" I wonder why you did this?

This is a very new relationship for him to be doing this sort of shit - this is the bit in which he's supposed to be charming you in order to get you right under control. This is worrying as he sounds not only controlling but a bloody fast moving one.

Sack him off.

lospollos · 09/02/2011 11:34

the dress thing is not normal

trying to change someone is not a good way to start, if he had said 'Oh I prefer you're other dress, you look better in that' it would been a genuine comment

his behaviour IS controlling I would be mindful. Giving as want good as it reinforces his behaviour as okay, I'm not gonna lecture you as you probs know this but its happened to the best of us to avoid conf.

big hugs!!

madonnawhore · 09/02/2011 12:11

MASSIVE ALARM BELLS CLANGING VERY LOUDLY.

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