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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unpack his bag or kick him out??!!

53 replies

Zephyrrywitchescat · 13/10/2005 12:42

DP blew up this morning over the fact that there was only one clean sock in the dryer for him. He's been arsey over his washing/ironing a lot lately so while he was having a strop I told him he could iron his own shirt - so he's gone to work in yesterday's rather than iron

Anyway! the result was he's 'had enough' and is moving out. I can't be bothered to argue so i've put his stuff in a bag!!!

What would you do if your dh/dp was being such an arse? Would you make him go to a b&b or just let it go over your head?

OP posts:
tarantula · 13/10/2005 13:13

I dont expect dp to do my washing and ironing. Should I???. His job is to look after dd and keep her fed and cared for and while housework might come into that equation to an extent, my washing and ironing doesnt. He cant iron for toffee anyway.

Also should point out that ironing is dangerous when there are little ones running round and should def not be done while pg in case iron goes anywhere near bump. You can point all taht out to your dp and Im a H&S officer so I should know...honest.

tribpot · 13/10/2005 13:16

Every couple has to find their own way of dividing the labour but that's no excuse for treating either party without respect, or threatening to leave over a sock. (Assume you don't iron the socks, Zephyr )

The more times you let him get away with it, the more difficult it will be to put your foot down later when his behaviour has got more extreme. I would make a quiet stand at this stage, maybe not push the issue into "here's yer bag now sling yer hook" (tempting though that is) but agree what each of you expects in terms of socks versus respect

Original poster
Zephyrrywitchescat · 13/10/2005 13:16

You've hiot the nail on the head Easy saying that 2-3 days notice would be nice instead of storming around when it's all gone! Surely the morning before when he's only got one thing left it must register that tomorrow there won't be any!!

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 13/10/2005 13:18

No, you're right, LM - not every one of my dh's working days is 8.30 - 4.45 - he set off yesterday at 4am and won't be back until 11pm tonight. And I have no problems with making sure he has enough shirts washed and ironed for times like this - he will have one done for tomorrow. But on an average day, "fair division of labour" in this house means that when he's home, we both do what needs doing.

He gets coffee breaks and a lunch hour - something which I hadn't had in the last 4 years up until dd started school last month. So what if I'm not on my knees scrubbing for the whole time I'm at home? I'm as entitled to take a break as he is.

dejags · 13/10/2005 13:18

not read the responses - I'll probably be hounded down for my view.

when I was at home I always made sure DH had at least one ironed shirt for the next day. In fact I am almost obsessed with being organised so he normally always had his ironing complete at all times.

This was NEVER expected and always much appreciated. I suppose if it hadn't been I would have told him to shove his shirts n socks where the sun doesn't shine. When we are both working it's every man for himself.

ninah · 13/10/2005 13:23

I always did the laundry cos p works long hours. BUT we are in a bad place and I have stopped. However I found this week he has given his shirts direct to the ironer, and she has given the bill to me!

Original poster
Zephyrrywitchescat · 13/10/2005 13:25

I think our problem is we don't have the 'fair division of labour' thing happening and that's what I'm trying to drum into his thick head!!! His attitude is because he goes to work he doesn't have to lift a finger in the house. He doesn't help with the children. He never ever gets up to them in the night or up with them in the morning. At the moment I'm in the stage of pg where I can hardly keep my eyes open but it's me that has to get up. I think that's why I'm so angry at the mo. Tiredness doesn't help. Nor does he. Put those two together and you get an explosion!!!

OP posts:
Lonelymum · 13/10/2005 13:27

I suppose I am just ludicrously old fashioned. I like dh to share the child care when he is home (more than my dad did for my mum) but I do not expect him to do anything towards cleaning and so on. On the other hand, I wouldn't allow him to criticise me for a messy house or a lack of ironed shirts. Generally speaking, the house gets cleaned to my (low) standards and the washing, ironing and cooking gets done as required. I don't find it hard to do dh's washing and ironing on top of mine and the kids' and I think it would be daft to tell him to do a separate wash for himself. That sounds more like flatmates sharing a house than a couple!

ninah · 13/10/2005 13:31

Know what you mean zephyr, I'm 30 weeks preg, we both work full-time but cos I'm more 9-5 with a more 'moderate' salary shall we say ....
Can't compare really cos we are in a BAD way, so our situation isn't really a guide.

Lonelymum · 13/10/2005 13:32

Zephyr, that must be so hard having no help with the children. I can understand your annoyance at his reaction a lot more now. Also, something you said earlier about him leaving his dirty clothes lying around. That is very inconsiderate of him.

The only advice I can give if you want to maintain the peace is to try and do what needs to be done each day but no more. I always used to look at the ironing pile and feel so demoralised at the height of it that I did none! What I do now when the pile gets too high is pick out the essential items like school uniform, a shirt for dh, a sheet (if that is what is getting low) and just do that. Save the rest for another day when you are feeling stronger. But I guess you can work this out for yourself! Oh and tell dh to put his dirty washing in the laundry pile, the lazy boy!

doormat · 13/10/2005 13:34

lonelymum cant you use the dryer to its advantage to save on time

Lonelymum · 13/10/2005 13:34

No dryer doormat!

Original poster
Zephyrrywitchescat · 13/10/2005 13:36

It probably doesn't sound like it but I'm fairly old fashioned too in the sense that I would like to be able to help him while I know he's out working - but the way he is I don't see why I should at the moment. THere's a whole heap of other little things too that are winding me up - like I need to go to tesco once a week because I don't drive and have spd so walking to the shops every single day is getting too much - but he gets stroppy and says "All I seem to do is work and shop".

Sorry I feel like a right whinge-bag!!! I can't see a way to make him realise that a) I'm not his Mummy b) he is supposed to be a Daddy and c)it's his house and family and responsibility as well as mine!!

OP posts:
doormat · 13/10/2005 13:37

sorry lonelymum, then I would do what you do (picking items out)I just despise ironing

My dh is good, works 5 nights and plays with kids, helps with our ds with SN as I cant lift him no more, he doesnt do housework as I am a bit old fashioned like lonelymum but he knows if i cant do it and I ask him, he will do it without a fuss.

Gomez · 13/10/2005 13:38

Not sure that it is worth such a huge blow-out over TBH. But I still wouldn't be ironing his bits & bobs either or worrying about picking up and washing his socks and pants! Leave his bag where it is. Or perhaps suggest in the passing that the clean shirts will be easier for him to iron if they weren't scrunched up in a bag .

I have got no idea how many shirts (ironed or not) DH currently has available - why should I?
I manage to ensure I have enough clean clothes available so why can't he?

Not that he can of course and as such has spend more than one Sunday driving around central Scotland trying to find a suit/any suit doesn't look like he found it in a supermarket.

I of course remain at home drinking wine and eating chocolate, whilst snorting with glee.

Hope you get pass the yucky pg stage soon and begin to glow/bloom/not look corpse like....

ThomBat · 13/10/2005 13:39

Do you want him to leave? If you don't want to kick him out, and that's up to you, no point in listening to what anyone else would do, then don't packa bag for him. if he wants to leave he'll do that himself and he'll go. If you want him to sleep in his own bed under the same roof as you for the forseeable future them what you need to do is sit down and havea chat with him about stuff. Discuss how you don't like how he made you feel, that yes you work from the home but that doesn't give him aright to scream and stomp his feet when his socks aren't cleaned. You're his partner, wife, mother of his child/ren and deserve more respect. You are aware that as a SAHM a large part of that means you'll be mainly responsible for the house and the work it involves but that he is not to expect you to act like a scivvy and so on.
Don't worry about anyone else, do what you feel you want to do to sort this out, but 6do^ sort it out, one way or the other.

QueenVictoria · 13/10/2005 13:49

My DP moans about lack of socks/pants/trousers but since its always because he hasnt put it in the laundry basket or he has take one sock off (wierdo) and shoved it down the side of the sofa or something, i tell him where to go. He does usually iron his own shirts though.

I wouldnt have wasted the energy in packing his own bags personally. But thats me, we are in a partnership and both our days start early and end late, i help him, he helps me.

Zephyr, can you not get the shopping delivered to your home? Sainsburys to you, ocado etc?

Lonelymum · 13/10/2005 13:56

Oh yes and he must take you shopping as late pregnancy and SPD is dreadful (had that my last pg). Yes I agree, he needs to pull his weight a bit, but don't antagonise him to get your way. Try to see what you can sort out between yourselves. Personally, I liked Thombat's post.

ninah · 13/10/2005 13:57

me too, Thomcat's advice is sound, as ever!

ninah · 13/10/2005 13:57

bat, even

Original poster
Zephyrrywitchescat · 13/10/2005 14:04

Yes THombat's post is v true. I just know what he's going to say if we try and talk about it though - He works all day. I sit and do nothing all day. I don't appreciate him. Blah blah blah....

I mostly needed to see if I was justified in refusing to be his Mummy/scivvy or if I'm being over-hormonal!!

I'm just off to my first midwife appt now so will be interesting to see my BP today!!!

Thank you all for your help and for posting on a thread that's so naff!!!

OP posts:
ThomBat · 13/10/2005 16:09

It's not a naff post/thread and yes you are justified in being upset with him, very much so.

Hopefully you'll be able to sit down and tell him how you feel and sort things out to everyone's happy, or happier.

have a lovely 1st midwife appt. TC xx

Original poster
Zephyrrywitchescat · 13/10/2005 16:31

All done After hearing the heartbeat for the first time today I'm in a better place!! So am off to put his crap back upstairs and try to talk to him when he gets in (if he comes back heehee!!)

OP posts:
ThomBat · 13/10/2005 16:32

ahhh bless, glad appt went well.
hope you get stuff sorted later.
Take it easy, TC x

Gomez · 13/10/2005 23:44

Ahh Swiper so nice! We are almost just about nearly thinking maybe to go for number 3 - given that whole going to Uni thing is up the bloody kite anyway. Take care.