Impartial advice please

[whattodo9999]

DH and I are having problems. Infact I don't remember a time we weren't having problems lol but I'd like some impartial advice on the situation....

DH and I have been together since I was 15, married at 19 and have been married since 1994 (I am now nearly 36 and he is 37 end of year). We have two children DD is 13.5 and DS is 7.

I have suffered from depression on and off since DD was born so I do appreciate I haven't been the easiest person to live with. I had a 'fling' in the summer of 2008 which DH 'forgave' me for although does bring it up occasionally. I work full time, am self employed and also studying. I do 90% of childcare, 99% of housework.

DH is like my 3rd child. He doesn't help me, he used to do the washing but kept 'forgetting' so we ended up with no clothes. He doesn't tidy up after himself and hardly ever does anything with the children. He's very picky with me and the children and almost acts like a petulant child himself. he is obsessed with his mobile and computer (although don't think he's up to anything tbh), only really talks to woman (doesn't have many men friends prefers women but he isn't up to anything). He does work full time but thinks I should be 'happy with my lot' and not take on too much.

Sex is an issue also, this is a bit embarrassing but here goes (I really hope my name has changed lol) DH has a problem with athletes foot its foul and smells horrendous. I told him I'm sorry I cannot do the whole hot and sweaty sex without him going to the dr to sort it. he says he keeps forgetting to make an appt. How can you forget that??????

Yes, I've put up with it for many years but i'm getting to the point now where I feel sorry for the children, I'm sick of the pickiness and as for the untidness i'm 35 fgs I want to come home to house thats not a shit hole.

Please ask questions offer advice anything. i really don't know where to go. Is this worth saving? Am I fighting a losing battle? Do I seem like a selfish bitch? Is it all me? (I sometimes wonder?) And if you've got this far you need a medal (or a coffee lol)

Thank you

Oh and I have suggested perhaps DH is depressed he went to the dr who suggested perhaps counselling would be good but he ignored the appt they made for him. When he does feel down all you get is 'i feel down at the moment' and he sits and watches tv/computer/phone etc. God to have the luxury lol

Does he know you feel this low about your relationship? Maybe it's time to sit him down and put all your cards on the table. Tell him you are really unhappy and that some key things have to change if the relationship is going to survive.

Practical things:

He sorts his athletes foot.
You draw up a household chores rota (get the kids involved, too) and you all stick to it.

however, if the 'nitpicking' is relentless and he doesn't relate with you in a kind, respectful way...can that really be solved? You have to ask yourself that.

You are not a selfish bitch, btw. It doesn't sound like a very happy, fulfilling relationship in its present state.

Thank you beebox for a reply, I was sitting refreshing hopeful someone would be about!

Have drawn up a rota, he 'forgets' to look at it. Kids are pretty good at it, DD is very helpful.

I don't think it can be resolved. I love him but I'm wondering how long I can fight this for. I am at my wits end tbh, I have tried talking to him but I get the following retorts;

Shall I just leave
I'll go off a fcking cliff then shall i
I'm just fcking crap aren't I

I just want to be living an adult life with a husband/father in a house that doesn't look like its being inhabited by bloke teenagers.

i wouldnt say he was depressed i think the ''i feel down'' thing sounds like a bit of a get out clause if you ask me,

it sounds like hes lazy and needs to pull himself together!

if i were you id say look this is pathetic your not a teenager your a fully grown man get and do the washing up, get to the doctors and do some cleaning or you can leave.

dont listen to his shit when he says ''im just crap arent it'' its mind games in my opinion, it sounds like hes taking the piss out of you, dont have it just put him straight,

you feel like your being a selfish cow because hes making you feel like that by his ''i feel sorry for myself attitude''

just tell him to get a grip!

Oh whattodo how utterly exhausting! I am not surprised you suffer from depression.

I work full time, am self employed and also studying. I do 90% of childcare, 99% of housework.

There is a great book called Wifework by Susan Maushart which illustrates your situation perfectly. It opened my eyes to my life.

This is a recipe for resentment and bitterness. I have been there and it killed my marriage.

What do you get out of this marriage?

You and your DH sound as though you don't have a way of communicating that allows you to express unhappiness and find a resolution without him getting in a huff and threatening to leave, kill himself or generally behave like a petulant teenager. You are parenting him.

I think you need to sit him down and spell it out, give him a time limit like two months to make a difference, and mean it!!

Then if he still hasnt shaped up and started pulling his weight you ask him to leave,
and mean it!!

Life is too short for this. You deserve better. You are craving happiness like a plant starved of water and nutrients, hence the affair. That is not a crime it is a huge flag waving at you telling you to sort this out and regain your self respect and happiness.

Don't just sit there getting crushed further and further. Your DC deserve a better example of how families work. Do you want your DD to think this is how she should expect to be treated?

Please dont just accept this situation. Life without him would be so much better, and the threat of that might be enough to make him shape up. He is unhappy too so you may be pushing at an open door.

All I can say is that you shouldn't have to live like this

it sounds like he brings nothing to the table except stress for you

There is nothing more wearing than thinking you have offloaded the responsibility for a task, to find later you haven't at all

mentally, you have to do everyhing...it is that will kill your relationship

the thing I have always found hardest in family life is remembering everything for everybody else

it drives me mad...to have to cajole and remind children I can understand, but a grown man ? Noooo

would your life actually be harder as a single parent ? I doubt it....

Thank you.

People have said it's not me but you tend to get worn down and think it is you, perhaps I should do x, y and z and then it will all be ok type thing.

My only concern of being a single parent is I don't really do vomit that is the only time DH comes into his own lol but can I live my life for ever like this just because I don't like sick? And is that a reason to stay in a relationship?

I do worry for the children. DD said at school the other day other children were talking about what they did with their dads, DD just kept quiet. She said to me 'I don't need a dad I have you' it breaks my heart.

I can't see him changing. He's meant to be collecting DD from school today as I have college, He has to collect her from orchestra at 5.30pm. I haven't reminded him DD and I have a bet whether he'll remember or not. Could be interesting.

Maybe DD could deal with the occassional vomit issue? It does seem a tiny thing to be holding onto a sad relationship for, but agree to laying it all down and giving him a chance to prove he can keep to his side of a deal rather than throw him out as the result of one of his petulent outbursts. Sounds like he may be depressed to, though if he has always been a bit lazy, he may be just trying it on. Is he still not over the affair and taking it out on you? Or was his behaviour like this before, which led you to the affair?

He has both athlete's foot and depression, and both are treatable, so I'd give him a week to start getting help, otherwise I'm sure the dcs will help with the vomit (not everyone minds a lot); I have the same problem actually.

His behaviour has always been like this which is what led me the affair. I admit I know it wasn't right but I was craving affection and it was offered.

He won't seek help for depression, 'i don't like talking about it' or 'i don't think i am depressed'. I am trying to get him to seek help, am cross he wasted the appt that was given to him - another person could have had that!!!

I do wonder if I'm doing something to make him like this? I do nag I admit it but I've tried asking to help me nicely and explaining why I need help (surely that should be obvious?!). he moans we don't do enough together I asked what he wanted and he said sit and watch dvds but tbh that has never been my thing and its all he goes on about. He likes geocaching (latest hobby) and asked me to go with him at the weekends but tbh i spend the weekends doing housework!!!!

There really is something a bit peculiar about a man who would prefer to risk his marriage than to get his rotten toes treated. What does Athlete's Foot do for him that you and two children don't?!

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

A direct answer to a question put in your earlier post is no, this is not worth saving because there is truly nothing here to be saved. Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable.

You met at 15 when you were both children; now years later its not working and it has probably plodded along like this for years. He is not interested in wanting to do anything or save this marriage; he is inherently selfish and not at all bothered.

What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. They see and observe all this nonsense and unspoken stuff as well all too clearly.

I'd give up the housework for a weekend and go geo-caching as a family. He's asked you to go with him and although it's understandable that the housework needs to be done, he's asking you to take an interest in a hobby of his.

Once you have been (and maybe enjoyed spending time as a couple), he may get himself sorted out.

I agree with vintageteacups - his suggestions for things you can do together sounds like a very positive step so he obviously wants to improve the situation. How about suggesting you both spend a couple of hours in the morning getting the housework done (hopefully he will see just how much work you are doing around the house and how much effort it is!) and then in the afternoon go geocaching as a family, or go to the cinema if he likes films.

He obviously still loves you or he would have left, so he'll probably be happy to know that he is making you happy. If it was me, I would aim to reward his efforts with lots of encouragement and "oh thank you so much, your help has been wonderful" etc. to reinforce those positive feelings so that he feels good about helping you. I apologise to any men on this thread but sometimes you have to train them like you would a puppy!

Hopefully the weather will be slightly better this weekend and we can go geocaching (although helping with the housework won't happen I know that).

And somebody said about him leaving before - why would you leave when you get everything done for you and get to sit on your arse all evening doing what you want? Washing, cooking, cleaning and your time is your own - would you leave????

So in exchange for him stinking and doing fuck all, you're supposed to indulge his hobby as well in the hope that that will make him behave better?
It won't. He's not going to change because he doesn;t actually care about you. TO him you are just a 'woman' and therefore exist in the background to meet his needs.
Give him a time limit to start doing his share of the housework and sort out his feet and if nothing happens but promises, chuck him out because that will be the definitive proof that he has no interest in co operating with you.

If you truly believe he doesn't care about you and you don't think he can change then why haven't you thrown him out already? I'm not going to encourage anyone to end their marriage based on such a small amount of information as this but if that's what you think you have to do then you need to make a decision.

If you do think he can change then you have to accept that it will not be easy for either of you but ultimately it'll be worth it in the end, not just for the two of you but for your children.

I haven't thrown him out because I always convince myself it will work

He says he loves me and he cares and appreciates me but he doesn't show it and with the lack of help etc I can't see how he cares etc.

Is it possible for someone to be that forgetful and not to see all the crap around the house he should have tidied? He says he just doesn't 'see' it. He'll open cartons in the kitchen and leave them on the side and say 'I didn't see it there' or 'I didn't remember putting it there'?? Am I being unreasonable, are men forgetful?

Well, you did ask for impartial. He sounds like a total pain in the arse. You've lived 19 years of your life like this, you've tried being reasonable and you're knackered. What's to like about it?

You could try giving him a real ultimatum - I predict a short period of effort-making, followed by another 19 years of shit, but I guess you have to try.

Go and find out your options, properly. You'll feel stronger when you don't feel trapped. Get one of those dustpan sets on a long handle to empower you if faced with puke! (And appoint DD 'sick monitor'.)

Good luck.

Have you told him you've got to this stage? If he won't go to see someone about depression, maybe you could set up a relate appointment and tell him that you are going, whether he does or not because you want to make decisions about the relationship. If he "forgets" that then I kind of think you have your answer, if he turns up maybe a 3rd party can help you get past some of this.

I have told him but I just get the 'i'll leave' or 'shall i go off a f*cking cliff then'.

As for the sick I have a labrador that eats everything.....grim but tempting....

What you're describing is a selfish, lazy man who makes an active choice to be this way. A man who reacts like a child when you remonstrate, with passive-aggressive responses and huffiness. This sounds like a parent-child relationship and it's interesting that you say it has always been this way. I'll wager it got worse when you had DCs though.

I suspect you've enabled this throughout your marriage, reasoning that you would "have" to do all the work if you weren't going to turn into a nag who lived in a mess. That you've tried every possible means of getting him to pull his weight, until you gave up in 2008.

Based on the premise that affairs happen when a person stops giving to the relationship, I bet that your affair happened when you "gave up" and that part of its motive was punitive. I suspect that your H would have had an affair at any point if he'd had the opportunity, because he long ago stopped giving to the relationship.

I imagine it's got worse since your affair, because of your guilt and your gratitude that he "forgave" you. I expect he feels he's got even less reason now to give more to the relationship, because he feels like the wronged party.

It's such a shame that the affair didn't prove to be the catalyst to a better, more giving adult-adult relationship, but it's not too late to change this dynamic.

Men are not inherently lazy, stupid and do not require training like puppies . He does not "forget" things or suffer "mess blindness" - this neglect is an active choice. He stays in this marriage because he gets some of his needs fulfilled, but given his lack of investment, he would vote with his feet if he got another opportunity, of that I have no doubt. If he had an affair himself, he would tell anyone prepared to listen that he was a victim of an unfaithful, nagging woman who wouldn't have sex with him - and some idiot would believe that too .

Stop the rot now. Insist that he takes responsibility for this relationship and the workload that comes with raising a family. If he doesn't match that investment, then vote with your feet. All the while you are enabling this and feeling guilt, it will not change. All the while you are enacting a parent-child relationship, his sexual appeal will be zero-rated.

I agree that you are getting very little out of this relationship. He doesn't help you and does nothing to show he loves you or the kids. If you met him now would you marry him? If the answer is no then why remain with him?
If when you discuss things he says "I'll leave" then try replying with "that might be a good idea if you can't change as I don't want to live like this anymore.
You can treat athletes foot with stuff from the chemist.
He sounds lazy and unpleasant. Whether or not he is depressed is irrelevent if he won't get an assessment. It sounds as though he has always been lazy thoug. You should have stopped mummying him years ago.

It's not true that men 'don't see' mess. What he means is 'I don't see it as my job to deal with it because I have a penis.'

I can help with the athleets foot, I have suffered since a child any doctors creams just made it worse, so I went to a chiropodist who said to buy surgical spirt and dab it on. When I get a flare up now I just dab some on every night which stops the smell and it clears in a few days. But I am no help on the rest.