Sick child.. cracks are widening.

[Lucy85]

DP had an affair last year, long story but stress of baby that NEVER slept.
Found out end of 2010 reason why never slept was very serious illness.
Now he has given up work to look after child, I am trying to work.
We are both very very worried.

But. He cannot seem to manage to think or plan about the childcare in terms of medicines or social activity. He is permanently really unpleasant to me - I mean really horrible. He talks down to me, he is always angry with me and he won't even watch TV with me. For my part I cannot get out of bed in the morning - utterly exhausted. Yes that is crap of me I agree. But to be so nasty all day every day is OTT.

I think I want a divorce but what to do about DC?

It sounds like you're having a really shitty time. I certainly wouldn't be staying with someone who showed me such contempt. No wonder you don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

Have you asked him why he is behaving like this? Have you explained that if things don't change, you will separate?

You are obviously worried about how to look after your sick baby if you and your DH split. Do you have any family/support nearby? It might be worth going to citizens advice and finding out what kind of practical and financial help is available. Start doing some research so you can make a plan.

The alternative has to be better than the life you have now.

Its just I am so tired. I can't move. I've had a virus for a couple of weeks and my whole body aches but this is dismissed as an excuse. I honestly feel quite bullied yet to look at us you'd never believe it.
But what can I do about sick DC? i can't give up my work - company won't let me, haven't been there long enough.
In an ideal world would sell up, take half our money, do an overnight runner, go somewhere near my family and start over. But family can't do childcare, they aren't up to it.
he looks for the worst in everyone and is really paranoid. Smoked a lot of pot in his youth and think its coming back to haunt him.
Most worried about effect on DC - not health y to hear him shouting at me all the time yet if we split up now that would be more disruptive. Illness has low survival rate anyway.

Yes I have explained. He always says it's me. It's my fault he's in a bad mood because I didn't do X Y or Z. There's no recognition of what I did do to help things run smoothly, or what I am good at (quite a lot of things actually) blah blah blah. I'm sick of it.

Have just told him to grow up and stop being so pathetic and childish.

Somehow the two of you need to get a grip on the situation. How ill is your child?

Isn't the most important thing here your child? Can you two sit down and discuss this.

It sounds like you are both totally stressed by the illness and reacting in different ways - you by being exhausted and he by being grumpy.

Maybe you really need to sit down and clear the air - work out what the priorities are and how you can best help each other through it.

Yes merry - exactly. DC is by far the most important thing. I can't talk to him as I feel he will fly off handle. He is confontational and this makes me defensive. he says I can't take criticism - I can - but not when it's endlessly shoved at me.

Child seriously seriously ill. Survival rate low for this kind of disease - can't go into detail here.

can you get someone to help mediate the situation, are there medical professionals involved?

Its obviously a terrible time for both of you

Yes loads of medical professionals and loads of volunteers who turn up and seem to expect you to cry on their shoulder. On a public hospital ward. To a compelte stranger.

I don't know what to do. I love my Dc very very much and delight in doing things with DC. I lover playing, sticking, running around etc. He doesn't and tends to slink off to play computer games.

When baby was born he pretty much desrted me. He went to work, came home, watched TV, never bothered to research baby development, take photos, read a book ... nothing. Then turns out he was unfaithful. I am still angry and have not forgiven, probably never will (why should I - twat)

Now, sick child he is struggling. I have planned hospital care, entertainment etc carefully and thought it all through. He hasn't. Couldn't find toothpaste this morning so screaming at me. Had he not played computer games nearly the whole day yesterday perhaps he would have packed better. I had to work.

I dunno. Wish I'd never met him really.

sounds like he could be very depressed / having an emotional breakdown? what do you think? he also seems to be trying to distance himself from life in general? has he been to docs?

He is probably depressed, but has been like this for as long as I can remember. I am afraid to voice my opinions over certain things as he twists it and throws it back at me...
When I'm reading this back it sounds so bad doesn't it but to look at us we're a normal family. Think the illness has just thrown a bright light over the cracks and can't paper over them any more.
But I can't take DC away from only home ever known and on a practical note I can't take care of DC all by myself. Trapped.

have you any close family or friends you can speak to, or anyone neutral that OH will listen too?

Hmmm. I'm not sure tbh haven't thought of it like that. Am a bottler-upper and frankly embarrassed we can't cope. Have only told one friend in RL about affair, this person is unconnected with normal RL.

He's not big on listening.

But he is big on blame and he is good at artiiculating how much it is my fault whereas I struggle. i tend to worry and internalise which is not good practise for voicing my arguments outside.

My h was depressed and similar in behaviour. I can't imagine what he would have been like if one of the dcs was ill too. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

At the end of the day, no matter what the reason for him treating you so badly, you don't have to put up with it. You need energy to look after your dc. And there's nothing more draining than living with someone who is down and does nothing to help themselves. Even if he'd just go to a gp it might help.

But it is down to him to sort that. You can't do it for him. So what can you do for you? How can you make life easier? You need to rest right now, and recover from the virus. Is there anyway this could happen?

Lucy85 so sorry to hear about your DC. Have you considered going to see your GP to discuss being signed off? I have a friend whose DC got leukaemia and she was signed off for the whole 2 years he was having treatment. She was unfit for work due to the worry and distress. Your company will have to pay you sick pay for a period even if you haven't been there long.

Haven't got any words of wisdom about your DH. If your DC wasn't ill you would have left him by now wouldn't you? I guess you grit your teeth and endure for the time being until DCs future is clearer.

Lots of sympathy for you. This too will pass!

Yes, it will pass. But am not getting younger and want another child - may not even have one now, you see. Don't think I can face this sh*t again with him.

Just so worried about everything (internalising again - see) that am paralysed with indecision. What to do. Housing market etc shot to pieces so financially disastrous plus making it harder on DC and me as well. Maybe should wait until DC off treatment and decide then. Or am I putting it off as am too scared.
Oh FFS. Someone tell me to get it together.

Can't rest as drugs due at 11.30pm then liquid feed at 6.30am. Not enough sleep for me, i need 8-9 hrs to recover from baby who never slept. Probably why am ill too though.

I couldn't be mean enough to tell you to get it together - your situation sounds really upsetting and I'm so sorry you have this to deal with. To an outsider it seems easy - leave him - but when you are living through it it's not like that. You can't change the fact your baby is ill - but you can get rid of the other things bringing you down and it sounds like DP is at the heart of it . You haven't mentioned family - can they help out?

dont know what else to suggest! but getting signed off for a while sounds like a plan, even if only for a short while to think things through!

your posts are very worrying Lucy.

You are both under immense pressure and there are too many issues going on here all at once. Something will have to 'give'.

Do you have someone who can help out for a couple of days so that you and your DP can take time out to discuss the way forward?

Have PM'd you.

Sounds like you're doing amazingly under incredibly stressful circumstances.

do you have a community nurse? Can they refer you to a clinical psychologist with experience in helping families who's children are seriously ill? Do you get any respite/short breaks? Do you have a social worker who can help you access this type of support?
It sounds like you and dh have reached crisis point you can't make him see anyone but maybe you should see your gp.
Contact a family are also a really good support network run by parents who have personal experience?
I hope you find some support to help you through this very difficult time.

Yes, we get respite, one hour per week (!). Still under hospital care really. No social worker as am quite posh really. Don't know if he'd see clinical psych, think he'd be rather rude about it (know you'll all find that hard to believe ;-) .
Think my minds made up really, I will be off at some point in the future. Will be so nice to meet someone else who makes me feel like I'm a nice person.

Lucy I have PM'd you.

Gosh Lucy, this sounds an utterly exhausting situation for you and you sound pretty isolated and alone with it all. I think it's very hard to make decisions in those cirmumstances.

Cornshell's idea about a psychologist seems very sound to me and even if your husband won't go, it's so important for you get some support for yourself as quickly as possible.

Really, this isn't about him, it's about you and what you need in order to cope with what's happening right now.