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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nearly 17 weeks pregnant and OH dumped me yesterday evening

49 replies

Fab123 · 07/02/2011 10:46

I'm still going around in the angry/upset whirlwind at the moment. He emailed me last night after packing up and leaving (I had asked him not to contact me so I could get my head straight, but he denied me this) and I ended up engaging in an email rant. Feel quite relieved that I have let go and told him how I really feel - I was very in control apart from welling eyes when he sat down to do it - but on the other hand I feel childish and that I have now given him an excuse to tell people this was why he broke it off Confused.

It doesn't help that after clearly stating that he couldn't see us working and that the pressure of a baby on top was all too much, he is now trying to say that because I didn't want to go to a hotel room with him last night to "talk" about it all, it has now become my choice. He won't accept responsibility for his choice and needs to grow a pair and grow up as far as I'm concerned. I'm angry obviously as he's kept this baby secret (I know, warning bells were going off in every direction).I don't think I want him on the birth certificate and he hasn't seemed particularly fussed about the whole pregnancy throughout. Also he really wanted a boy and we found out at the 3D scan on Sat it is a girl...a tiny part of me wonders if this tipped it for him and made up his mind Sad I'm just glad that he did it before the birth and I can try to get strong before my gorgeous little lady arrives.

I think what I want from this post is some encouragement and possibly some advice on what to do now. Should I start arranging friends to be at the birth? Anything practical or otherwise would be useful. I think I'm a bit numb and want to do something productiveConfused

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 07/02/2011 10:50

So sorry this has happened to you now. But as you say, you now have time to concentrate on you and your little lady - and he'll get what he deserves - nothing.

sandmonkey · 07/02/2011 10:57

Sorry you are going through this whilst pregnant, but by the sounds of it, you are on the best path now and it has happened when you have time to make a strategy. Yep, if you can afford it, get yourself a Doula or ask a close relative or friend to be there during birth.
He's a tool looking for an out by blaming you about hotel room meet up.
You will be fine, take care and just start focusing on positives for baby!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/02/2011 10:57

I'm sorry that this has happened OP. For your child's sake, please think about the birth certificate issue. :(

Original poster
Fab123 · 07/02/2011 11:02

Good idea about the Doula. I think my beautician is trained as one...will look into that, thanks Sandmonkey.

LyingWitch maybe i'm being dim, but what is the use of him on the birth certificate, other than to allow him rights?

OP posts:
SoManyIssuesSoLittleTime · 07/02/2011 11:10

i would not put him either on the bc, (and I havent) it can be done later
Dad has got duty before talking about his rights. Only the child has got rights, parents have responsibilities
he has not been that responsible has he?
fwiw I support your thinking OP

FellatioNelson · 07/02/2011 11:13

I think rather than concentrating on what friends should be at the birth and whether you should leave him off the birth cert, (Hmm bad move) you should be focusing on spending time with your partner face to face to work out what has gone wrong in your relationship and whether or not it can be saved.

And stop emailing one another and refusing to compromise on when/where you talk - you sound like a couple of spoilt children at the moment. Don't throw away your daughter's chance of having/knowing her father because you are angry with him. Even if the relationship doesn't last he should be encouraged to know her, whether he thinks he wants to or not. Don't let him off the hook so easily - it will come back to bite you when your daughter is older.

Was the baby planned? Who has he kept it a secret from, and why? Does he feel trapped/scared? Does he feel you tricked him into fatherhood? So many unanswered questions here, but you will be very hormonal and perhaps over-sensitive and over-emotional, and if he is feeling terrified of the commitment and responsibility then it a very bad combination of factors for trying to have rational discussions!

Maybe he's right - maybe there is no way forward, but it doesn't sound as if much grow-up conversation has been going on to ascertain where you stand. I might be wrong of course - but I can only go by what's in the OP.

Original poster
Fab123 · 07/02/2011 11:14

Thanks Somanyissues I agree - he hasn't exactly proved that he will be of any use whatsoever and I am financially stable so won't need CSA. Of course my child will know who her biological father is, in time, (I won't hide it)but I think putting him on a certificate will just allow him to swan in as and when he wants to, not when is best for our child.

OP posts:
Twit · 07/02/2011 11:15

Shit Fab, I'm really sorry.
However it may feel right now, I think splitting up now rather than later might be a blessing in disguise. Sad. And from the sounds of it he was waiting for an excuse to a)leave and b) blame you.
But now you get to focus on you and DD (how exciting I have to wait another 2 weeks!)
I suppose sorting out living arrangements is something practical for you to do.
I don't know what will happen re where you live - are you able to stay?

Original poster
Fab123 · 07/02/2011 11:22

hey fellatio thanks for your post. I did feel like a spoilt child emailing him last night, not proud but I think I needed to vent at him. We don't live together and we had been trying to find a solution to this since we found out I was pregnant. We were trying for a baby but it came first time - which was great - but I think for him it was a bit too fast and he hadn't thoroughly thought through moving (which he told me was no problem). I have my own house and he doesn't so until he had sorted out a new job I wasn't happy to sell up and move away from all of my friends here but he couldn't find work in my area. We've been discussing it for months and got nowhere, but I honestly didn't think he'd just pull the plug. He wants to work abroad and I said I would sell up then and move with him after the baby is born, but I won't sell up to move 100 miles up the road where I have no support right now.
I hope that clarifies a little?
Oh and he hasn't told his work about the pregnancy, his family (who are in NZ) or any of his friends. I knew this was odd and for our daughters sake pleaded for him to tell either his mum or dad, mainly because I couldn't believe they wouldn't want to know about their first grandchild and I want my daughter to have a relationship with them.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/02/2011 11:27

I would consider using the CSA anyway; he is after all still financially responsible for his child.

I would also put his name on the birth certificate (I do not think you can add the father's name post registration). A blank line will serve no real purpose other than causing anguish. Your child needs to know where she came from even though her parents are no longer together. She has that right to know where she came from.

You are angry with him and rightly so but he and his DD need to be given the chance to have a relationship. Your anger is rightly placed with him but your anger cannot and must not be allowed to affect your DDs potential relationship with him.

You need to give him a chance to step up to the plate and see his DD; this should be done through legal means and certainly not informally. If he messes up and misses appts then you can truthfully tell your DD that you gave her dad a proper chance.

zikes · 07/02/2011 11:29

You may be financially stable now, but all sorts of things can change. Don't close any doors.

sandmonkey · 07/02/2011 11:32

Fab123, also with the BC, and this may never affect you, but my friend had to turn down a fantastic job offer in the Middle East, solely because there was no father named on the BC of her DS, and there was no way around it. Again, it mightn't even be a blip on your radar, but consider the implications.

Original poster
Fab123 · 07/02/2011 11:34

Attilla true. Maybe I need to loosen my grip on the financial responsibility side. I just don't want him having something to resent...but it would show him that it is his responsibility as well as mine and he can't just run away. I'm right in saying he has to be there for that? I'd love for him to see his daughter early on but I'm also scared he'd get carried away and then suddenly decide to try again and in a few months, when it gets hard, be off again. I know that sounds like I'm expecting the worst but he hasn't filled me with confidence.

OP posts:
LisasCat · 07/02/2011 11:35

The name on the birth certificate is far more about responsibilities than rights. Just because his name is on there, doesn't mean he can pick and choose his involvement with her. Similarly, if his name isn't, you can't deny him access if he wants to prove he's the biological father. But if there's grief over financial responsibility, it makes more sense to have his name down there.

Also, what if, despite everything, he ends up being a great dad, and they have a fantastic relationship. How do you think she'll feel when she's old enough to realise he's not named. She'll either think he didn't want to know, or be angry with you for trying to cut him out.

Flossish · 07/02/2011 11:38

You should be 100% certain things can not be worked out between you.

And then for the sake of your DD you have to make sure you are guided by her best interests and not by your anger. leaving his name off the BC, when you KNOW he is the father just seems to be a retaliatory thing that I'm not sure should even be crossing your mind right now.

Original poster
Fab123 · 07/02/2011 11:46

Yes, I am still angry. I really just want to feel stable, and him treating me like this really isn't what I need. I know when the baby arrives she will need her dad - I don't intend to cut him out. I just want some control back.

OP posts:
maledetta · 07/02/2011 11:54

Hello Fab,

Congratulations on your little baby girl! Hang on in there-get your friends around you- keep busy! I know how devastated you must be, but hang on in there, it will get better and you will cope-and feel happy again!

I feel some of the posters here have been a little harsh. If you are feeling fragile, you might get an easier ride in the "lone parents" section.

As for the name on the birth certificate: remember one crucial thing. Once added, a father's name can never never be taken off. However, if the father decides to come good later on, it can be added later.

Having his name on the birth certificate gives the father parental responsibility- this means things such as being able to have a say in your daughter's schooling and healthcare, and, very crucially, the power to stop you moving abroad should you ever want to (although this can be reversed by the courts).

I was advised on Mumsnet to put DS'name on the BC, and I really really really regret it. My take on this is this: surely it will be more hurtful to DS in the future to put a name to the man who has never showed any interest in him, rather than just seeing a line? Also, should we be lucky and meet a wonderful man in the future who is willing to be like a father to DS, even maybe to the point of legally adopting him, we would have to go to court to do this.

I don't know whether to be envious or sad that so many posters don't know how really bad some men can actually behave.

maledetta · 07/02/2011 11:55

Really badly.

RockinSockBunnies · 07/02/2011 11:56

So sorry that you're going through this. My DD's father wanted nothing to do with either of us whatsoever, as soon as I got pregnant (unplanned, I was 18). Anyway, having no contact with him since has not been detrimental to either of us. I did get in touch with his parents, by letter, when DD was born, offering them the chance to get involved, but they never responded.

Would you consider contacting your (D)P's parents and explaining the situation to them, obviously not ranting about their son, but calmly stating the facts and offering them the opportunity to become involved?

Original poster
Fab123 · 07/02/2011 12:05

Thanks maledetta glad to hear you can put him on later. I was a bit worried there thinking it would be impossible if he does ever eventually "do right" and I hadn't put him on. I don't think my daughter will be worried about her birth certificate until she can read Hmm and although I know my daughter will be the brightest button in the box, I doubt this will be within the first year Wink.
RockinSock I'm not sure if it would really help anything if I went behind his back to do that. I've been pretty calm about it, other than last night's email mayhem, so I wouldn't ever write it in anger. How about when she is born sending out an email to close friends and family and adding them on (with him on too) so that it could look as though he wanted them to be part of it? Still a bit sneaky though, not sure I like it. If it back fires it would just be something else he would get angry about Confused

OP posts:
realrabbit · 07/02/2011 12:16

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Original poster
Fab123 · 07/02/2011 12:32

Thanks realrabbit I'll discuss a mediation/counselling type option with him. Might not be the best day to do it today though...after last night he might be critical of contact from me for a bit. Will let us have some space and suggested ASAP. It would be nice to know what he actually wants, maybe a counsellor will squeeze it out of him Wink!

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 07/02/2011 13:16

Sorry Fab I think I sounded a bit shirty with you in my first post - it wasn't my intention, and it's not what you need right now. Smile I know you are very angry and in shock at the moment but I just wanted to say that a knee-jerk reaction to the way he is behaving might help you cope emotionally in the short term, but in the long term it could have all sorts of damaging repercussions that are hard to come back from. Try to keep positive and keep talking to him.

Unfortunately, it does sound rather as though he got swept along with the idea of trying for a baby without really thinking it through or being fully committed to it, and is now rather in denial that it is happening at all. Sad Not telling his parents at this stage is a bit odd I must admit.

chickencrisps · 07/02/2011 13:29

dont forget, the baby is half his so should have 50% say in any decisions, regardless of your relationship with him

realrabbit · 07/02/2011 13:38

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