Nearly 17 weeks pregnant and OH dumped me yesterday evening

[Fab123]

I'm still going around in the angry/upset whirlwind at the moment. He emailed me last night after packing up and leaving (I had asked him not to contact me so I could get my head straight, but he denied me this) and I ended up engaging in an email rant. Feel quite relieved that I have let go and told him how I really feel - I was very in control apart from welling eyes when he sat down to do it - but on the other hand I feel childish and that I have now given him an excuse to tell people this was why he broke it off .

It doesn't help that after clearly stating that he couldn't see us working and that the pressure of a baby on top was all too much, he is now trying to say that because I didn't want to go to a hotel room with him last night to "talk" about it all, it has now become my choice. He won't accept responsibility for his choice and needs to grow a pair and grow up as far as I'm concerned. I'm angry obviously as he's kept this baby secret (I know, warning bells were going off in every direction).I don't think I want him on the birth certificate and he hasn't seemed particularly fussed about the whole pregnancy throughout. Also he really wanted a boy and we found out at the 3D scan on Sat it is a girl...a tiny part of me wonders if this tipped it for him and made up his mind I'm just glad that he did it before the birth and I can try to get strong before my gorgeous little lady arrives.

I think what I want from this post is some encouragement and possibly some advice on what to do now. Should I start arranging friends to be at the birth? Anything practical or otherwise would be useful. I think I'm a bit numb and want to do something productive

But we don't know yet whether he is withdrawing from responsibility - at the moment we only have evidence that he wishes to withdraw from the relationship. That's another matter altogether. However tempting/understandable it might be, a woman should not withdraw a father's access to a child just to punish him for not loving her any more.

Well he's sent me an email now saying that he would like to send me some money for a cot etc or maybe arrange a monthly sum. He ended it "I hope everything works out well for you and Pea. You two deserve it."
I think that sounds as though he is cutting ties? I know it's still early and I'm not going to reply just yet. We've got a few months left yet so he might send something else next week...

Fab I'm on the July thread with you so had seen you post there.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Just take some time to not contact him and get yourself feeling more together.

After that you can make arrangements with him wrt finances etc.

He is the one missing out here. But it looks like you have had a lucky escape getting this over now.

Oh dear. That does sound rather like cutting ties to me. Big, big un-MN-ish hugs.

Speaking as someone just over a year down the line from you, I would seek to firm him up on the monthly sum.

I'm feeling very sad for you.

having been through something simmilar albeit after ds was born I would just not contact him

leave it up to him to contact you about access and see how you feel onece the baby is here

you have a lot of time to think about things and yes putting a parent down on the bc does give them automatic rights which you may want to consider

ie; asking permission in writing before you go on holiday, which they can refuse out of spite (happened to me)

changing names by deedpoll must have both parents off the bc to sign to change names.

If you are genuinely going to tell your dd who her dad is and the practical reasons why he is not on the bc then I would hold off.

Bear in mind that not putting him on may abdicate him in some way so if you want him involved then it may be best

Either way be kind to yourself you are going through something that is very hard on your emotions so try to forget about him and enjoy the time preparing for the little one without all the stress of arguing with him.

Don't tell him anything, just let him get in contact with you and do the leg work and see if he delivers he may surprise you !

You can add a father to the birth certificate later. DS dad and I have had the forms kicking around at my house for, er, about 4 years (we are not a couple but he is a great dad).
Your couple-relationship with this man is over, but in the future there is no reason why you can't have a good, amicable and happy co-parenting relationship with him. get some RL support for yourself, take your time to think, don't fret too much it will probably all turn out just fine.

I'm really sorry OP

what bad timing for all this , you don't need this kind of stress at all, especially now.

he seems like a waste of space, better this happen now then when you have a newborn who desperately needs undivided attention. good riddance to bad rubbish, I know youre upset big hugs

Fab - I'm sorry you are going through this :(

Still, I think it's good to know now and have time to get your head sorted before DD arives than have him leave in the first few weeks.

It's good you are near family and friends :)

You have a good few months yet to see how you feel about the birth certificate, so no rush there. If it was me, I wouldn't put him on it, I wouldn't give him any right to control my and DD's lives. I wouldn't want to be held in a location, to have to consult him over schools or holidays simply because he wants to see her once in a blue moon when it suits him. However, you don't have to decide on that for months and who knows what the situation will be like by then.

I'm guessing he was hoping to get a job and move in with you before telling his parents etc that you were pregnant, I can see his point. He was probably just trying to avoid the 'she trapped you' mutterings.

I'm glad you are quite financially stable, it does make a big difference.

Thanks everyone. I think I'll just try to stay calm about it and wait for a bit until I feel a little more together.

Noted about firming up payments though. I think I may need to ask friends about solicitors to make sure it's all done properly and harder for him to wriggle out of, if I don't put him on the BC. Anyone been through that before and have any idea how long it takes or when to start with a solicitor for something like this?

Oh well, looking on the bright side, my new sofa arrived today and I love it (he hated it and said I should have gone for something else) so there are some up sides!

Fab123... When I said that your partner's name should be on your daughter's birth certificate, I was just thinking that she will want to know, always, who her father is and even if he doesn't want her now or later, she is his daughter and she'll know that. It's for her sake only, not your partner's.

Fab - I don't think there is anything you can do legally that will bind him into a payment to you/DD if you don't put him on the BC and go with the CSA - it's really why the CSA exists isn't it?! However, I'm sure some 'legal minds' will come along and either put me right or confirm it.

What is your new sofa like?

... and yes, it's an upside being able to look at it and think 'I love it, fuck you!!!'

I can see what Lying is saying and from that point of view I do agree... but there are a lot of practical things to consider as well. There is nothing stopping her knowing who her Dad is and when she is old enough to understand you can tell her why you did what you did and if she has a rubbish relationship with her father she will understand and if she has a great relationship with him there's nothing to stop her getting it put on then,

But anyway - plenty of time to think about that.... I need Sofa Porn

Er, seems he has just blocked me on FaceBook? WTF is that all about? Wondering if he has a new woman now... unless he's just trying to really cut all ties?

He's being a twat. Ignore. At least it should reassure you that you are doing the right thing.

How old is he?
How long have you been together?

DD's scan is so cute - she really looks like she's reclining, just chilling

And would you tell me about sofa woman!

He's 30 going on 15.
Thanks :-) I love her little hand up by her head. Not a care in the world!
Sofa is a 3 seater Thomas Lloyd leather jobby in reddish brown. Never had leather before but been advised to what with the continuous stream of liquids I'll be facing with Pea! It fits perfectly and is much more comfortable than my old Victorian sprung one :)
Thanks everyone. It's really helped having so many people giving advice today.

30 - yep - you'd think he'd be a bit more mature about the whole thing!

Pea aside (just for a minute!!) how do you feel about the relationship being over?

Thank god you didn't sell up and move huh! At least you are in your home, with your friends and your family around.

Sofa sounds lovely :) Leather is very practical when you have small kids, only thing you have to watch out for is sharp things - it's nice not to have to worry about the 'liquids/food'. Sadly I'm a veggie/vegan so not something I'd buy myself, but the look alike stuff is getting better all the time! So maybe one day!

Sorry you're going through this Fab.
Just in case you didn't know, he does need to be present at the registry office for his name to go on the BC (if you're not married - you call him dp so I assume that's the case).

Oh my. It goes on. Just had an email from him saying the talk was meant for us to "take a step back" and assess. Clearly he realises he didn't communicate this (Haha - what does he think "I can't see a future for us" means? That was his bloody opening line! Doesn't sound like taking a step back to me?) and now is saying that my angry responses just prove that we should break up. He's driving me nuts with this - how is that my fault? I'M F*ing pregnant! Why would he expect anything other than an angry response? Anyway...calm. He has however said he wants to play a part in Pea's life and maybe help financially. He doesn't want her thinking "Daddy doesn't love you" apparently. I guess I have to just reply that it's fine he doesn't love me and couldn't be bothered to try and stick around but I won't let that affect his daughter's future with him.
God he's going to teach her some funny ways.

I don't usually post in relationships, but couldn't not offer support. What a knob, you guys were trying together for this baby and now he decides you "don't have a future" well clearly you don't if he is just gonna walk out on you now! Bloody men and their 30 year old mid life crisis', make me sick!!

Don't reply yet. There is no rush

Think what you and pea want and need and perhaps talk to a solicitor before agreeing to anything.

To be honest it sounds as if yiu would be better off without him,

I think my reply would be you will definitely be involved financially and maybe play a part in her life. It works that way round.

yes I agree, take your time and get some legal advise etc.
take care of yourselves.