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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Read what DP wrote about me-cant see anyway to recover from this

35 replies

darleneconnor · 06/02/2011 22:48

DP has been writing notes in a notebook. He never called it a diary but he wrote little snippets of our life in note form. He said he said he would go over it later to bulk it up into proper prose but for now it was just a memory aid. I asked if I could read it but he said only when it was finished.

I'm a really open, honest person. I never try to hide anything from him so this secrecy made me feel uncomfortable. I know this is different for different couples but I really dont want to be in a relationship with secrets, something DP is very aware of.

So, I sneeked a peek. He saw me doing it but didn't try to stop me. I couldn't have imagined anything worse. His 'notes' are basically just a character assassination on me. It's like he's gathering evidence to use against me in the future.

To put this in context, a while ago, when he came home drunk one night we had a big argument where he said if we split up he would use everything he knew about me to fight for custody of DD. Tbh I've never really trusted him since but I thought everything was going great recently.

Now it seems like he wants out and is trying to paint this warped picture of our life so he can take DD with him. He has no PR so knows that I have the upper hand if we split so it seems that he is doing this to level the playing field.

This all happened yesterday. I had to put it to the back of my mind because we had family/in-law stuff to do but noow this evening that I've had a couple of hours to let it sink in I just cant get over the breakdown in trust. I feel like I'm being policed in my own home. The kids and I have had a nice night, pizza, film and stories, but just as he came in (3 hours late and drunk) I was telling off DS for spilling yoghurt in the kitchen. I said to DP 'great that you come in just as this is happening, we've been having fun, now you've got something else to write in your book about me'. He stormed off to the other room. I told him to leave the house but he laughed at me. Now I'm sitting with not a clue what to do next.

Since I lost my job I'm financially dependent on him. I HAVE to fix this.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 06/02/2011 22:50

Are you keeping a diary? Seems a bit 'tit for tat' but you need to make sure you've got your facts recorded.

Sorry you're going through this.

TheSecondComing · 06/02/2011 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Flisspaps · 06/02/2011 22:52

He laughed at you when you asked him to leave? Is the house half his?

TBH, I cannot see how anyone can stay with someone they don't trust, regardless of anything else.

Eurostar · 06/02/2011 22:53

He has no PR? What's PR in this context?

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 06/02/2011 22:54

You can't possibly stay with him.

This behaviour is actually quite scary. You need to consider your exit strategy.

What do you mean he hasn't PR? He is their father, right?

As for being financially reliant on him, there will be a way of surviving without him, honestly. A financially poorer lifestyle will be better than this.

slartybartfast · 06/02/2011 22:54

how awful.

slartybartfast · 06/02/2011 22:55

how long as he been writing notes for?

Pancakeflipper · 06/02/2011 22:56

That's a sly controlling way he has isn't it?

I have a feeling there's more stuff cracking off in your relationship?

Are you happy ( apart from the note taking element which is just nasty)?

Don't be afraid to leave a bully. Things may be tough but most likely happier.

Blimey I usually cringe when people dive in going on about leaving etc to the OP. But it sounds so wrong. Where's the support? Relationships should be supportive. And you sound very flat...

GypsyMoth · 06/02/2011 22:56

he can very easily gain PR....would let him,its not going to affect much

are you the main carer? because that would affect residency.

can the book maybe become 'lost'?

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 06/02/2011 22:57

You have to fix this yes, but you have to fix it by getting this toxic man out of your life as much as possible. He's either ill or a bastard - but it's not right.

What's the deal with the house? Owned (if yes by who) Rented (if yes in whose name, private/HB)??

Are the kids his?

auntyfash · 06/02/2011 22:57

What has he written about you? We need to know exactly how bad this is.

GastonTheLadybird · 06/02/2011 22:57

PR = parental responsibility

I would burn the fucking thing, how rude and disrespectful of him.

fit2drop · 06/02/2011 22:57

PR = Parental rights, I think, but not sure how that would work if he is bio dad

LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 06/02/2011 22:58

And yes, is he showing any other signs of mental illness? Would it be worth talking to his mum/dad about it perhaps?

AnyFucker · 06/02/2011 22:58

what are you talking about...he has no PR ?

how could he fight for custody then ?

go to CAB tomorrow, and find out what financial help you are entitled to without this dickhead poisoning your life

have you posted about him before ?

I am not sure why you are still living in the same house, tbh

TheSecondComing · 06/02/2011 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 06/02/2011 23:00

its very simple to gain PR...he could apply at the same time as applying to court for residency/contact,and is almost always granted and given.

Eurostar · 06/02/2011 23:10

just wasn't sure if you were talking about permanent residence as in immigration status

ItsGraceAgain · 06/02/2011 23:15

Weird and scary. So is the laughing at you while you're angry, hurt & betrayed. Come to think of it, so is his calm acceptance of your reading his notes.

This is worrying. Please check out your rights and rally support.

Original poster
darleneconnor · 07/02/2011 00:20

Went in to talk to him but I'll admit I'm so angry/betrayed etc that I did kind of go on the attack. I said I couldn't live with someone who I feel is policing me. He said I cant police his thoughts/what he writes. I said I didn't mind him writing but he shouldnt be writing such a distorted version of me. He said it's all factually correct, but I said it's not in context and is really misleading. He says he is doing it for himself and that it's natural for him to write about me because I'm part of his life.

I conceeded a bit on that but I said I didnt trust that he isn't just trying to make me look bad. I dont know.

It turns into the same argument we always have: I once fleetingly asked if he though he would be living here if we hadnt had DD. He said he didnt know! Not the answer I was expecting. I've never got over that. So everytime we argue I say 'you only moved in here for DD', he says 'that was years ago', I say 'it still hurts'. I end up crying and come back through here.

To answer the questions-
PR is parental rights/responsibilities, DP isn't on DD's BC, we were only casually dating when I got pg. He moved into my (mortgaged) flat after she was born. Benefits wont pay my full mortgage. I cant move and cant find a job so I am stuck.

I have posted about our relationship before but it might have been under a namechange.

He started writing as a new years resolution. I have said to him he seems mildly depressed recently, I suggested St Johns Wort but he's not keen.

OP posts:
blinks · 07/02/2011 00:22

does he have a drink problem?

llareggub · 07/02/2011 00:26

I have a sneaky suspicion I remember you from your past threads. Does he sell stuff on ebay?

Original poster
darleneconnor · 07/02/2011 00:30

He hardly ever drinks these days and I dont think he's ever bought anything off ebay.

OP posts:
Stac2011 · 07/02/2011 00:39

op don't you have insurance that covers mortgage payments due to losing job? Also the dwp would pay around £450 pm for mortgage, you would be entitled to benefits. No-one is stuck living with someone like that. I agree he sounds as if he has mental health problems. Also you should write notes. I don't think he is writing notes for the sake of it, its like he's building a case. You will end up paranoid about everything you do. Hope you get sorted

ItsGraceAgain · 07/02/2011 00:40

one night we had a big argument where he said if we split up he would use everything he knew about me to fight for custody of DD

He started writing as a new years resolution

He says he is doing it for himself and that it's natural for him to write about me because I'm part of his life.

This reads to me as:
He got angry and decided to store up grievances against me. He formalised this by starting to keep notes of his grievances. He claims it's natural to do so - is it?

No, it's not. No. It's not. It may be 'natural' but it's not normal. It cannot possibly be conducive to a good, ongoing relationship and it shows a frightening approach to personal differences - it suggests he perceives them as disobediences.

I don't know how many replies you need before you start allowing this thought into your mind. Have you told any real-life friends about it yet?