I want to cut my parents out of my life but when I think about it logically this will be so difficult, has anyone doe this and happy with the decision?

[ScarlettWalking]

This may be long so if you can get through this OP thanks in advance.

My parents; my Mother in particular were incredibly emotionally abusive to me in childhood and adolescence. As a result of many things that happened to me, my genetic make-up and the atmosphere in which I grew up, I have suffered from some mental health problems throughout my life, but have always managed to keep a grip on things even more so since meeting DH and having DD who is my world.

I have always kept distant contact with Mother but suspected for many years she was the root of many of my complex problems. She has always been very "you need me so much you are very incapable" and thrown my neediness back in my face I have been very dubious about asking for her help and advice. When I was PG she seemed to turn a new leaf and make such an effort with me and newborn DD that we started to build a relationship again. Then things came crashing down when I hit a wall with PND and she used it as a excuse to bully and torment me . It was like kicking an ill dog. An example of something she said "No wonder she had failure to thrive on your crappy milk" amongst other very cruel things. She never apologises, never admits wrong doing always somehow turns it on how helpful she has always been to me.

Fast forward 4 yrs and it has been very hard. DD has a lot of health issues, not chronic but hospitalisations and a lot of time building back up after awful infections. Friend with 3 children said to me "God I haven't had that much health stress with three!" so you get the picture. I have a DH who works away at times and very long hours and have needed help from my parents a lot. They are my childcare/ babysitters and very reliable and caring in that sense, I drop her and can have free-time precious to my wellbeing. You know what I'm going to say they are fantastic with DD. Incredible GP and inrecognisable, she adores them - real love and affection.

M keeps making awful comments to me about my parenting, inferring that I am doing something wrong that is why DD is so poorly. It is v odd. Example - DD is a poor eater and went through a phase of liking certain things she (M) made - but M infers she ONLY likes her food. This is simply not true and when I proudly mention I have made a meal that she really enjoyed and ate I can tell M is annoyed at this! Can you imagine, not sharing my happiness but put out that she enjoyed MY her own Mummy's food. This is the point I feel it is not right and she is being overly controlling, saying to DD "shall I adopt you"?" "shall I take you on holiday?" DD is very bright and keeps talking about "adoption" now, it is pure madness.

The problem is as you can guess DD adores her GP. Our family is so small we have almost no one - she is an only with step siblings who love her but they live far away. DH parents are dead and my siblings are so dysfunctional from out upbringing they haven't had children. I would love some advice or thoughts from anyone who has got to the end of this, thanks so much.

Just to add I have to have dinner now but will be back when I can

Think long and hard about cutting this relationship between gm and gd.

I am afraid I don't think this would necessarily make you happy in the long run.

Are you prepared to acknowledge that some of the difficulties between your dm and you might not be entirely her fault?

It does sound quite unhealthy and that she is undermining you emotionally rather than supporting you.

How will you cope practically if you start refusing their help?

I haven't gone through this myself, but a friend has and feels much better now without contact with her emotionally abusive mother. That's not to say it hasn't caused a lot of heart-ache about the break in the relationship for the children, and wondering whether she's done the right thing. But sometimes it's healthier to step away altogether, or step back if the relationship is toxic to your mental health.

I hace absolutely no family support with my kids and its done nothing for my mental health, nevertheless I'd rather have it this way than what you have

sorry but it seems to me you want it all ways, your mother treats you like dirt but because she does a lot of babysitting you let her

sod that

I am contemplating buying this book here and came on here to see if any one mentioned it! Sounds like you might need it too!

I agree with Bibbity to an extent (not fully though).

Yes, you have/had problems in the past, but you need to put them behind you. They're in the past and no matter what you do/feel, you cannot change that. You can't change how your parents treat you, but you can change how you react to their criticisms/put downs.

You have to build your emotional strength up so YOU can gradually become more and more emotionally/mentally independent. Your mum probably won't like you not being dependent on her as it may make her feel useless (she's probably so used to you relying on her).

You have to have faith in yourself, see what goal you want to achieve and work toward it.

You'll get there. Good luck

i don't want to undermine your version of the truth but is it at all possible that when you are ill / depressed you interpret you mother's comments to be more negative than they are intended? have you tried having a really open discussing with her?
you might do well to go to some therapy sessions together to discuss your relationship and how you are interpretting or coming across to each other and what is actually underneath it all.

i

I think in your situation there are compromises that could be reached which will help to give you the distance you require for your own sanity, but maintaining your childs relationship with her grandparents.

Is it at all possible to stop relying on them for child care? It puts you instantly on the back foot with regard to 'needing' them. If your time spent with them had more equality to it, ie just as social visits rather than from necessity, your mother may have less ammunition to have a go at you with.

You obviously need to make some changes to the dynamic of your and your daughters relationships with them if your daughter is parroting back what is said to her (adoption), but perhaps it is worth just trying smaller steps first to see if that makes enough of a difference before taking the huge step of completely cutting them out of your life.

Such toxic people like your mother would never go into any therapy and are immune to such things. In normal functional families such a step is possible but it truly is not possible when there is such inherent familial dysfunction

It is NOT your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way. Her own parents likely did that.

Your mother is toxic and you are, as an adult child of toxic parents, now caught in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

Your mother will start on your child given time and undermine you further through her (infact she is already doing this). Toxic parents more often than not become toxic grandparents. She is undermining you still even now you are an adult and enjoys doing this to you.

I would completely cut ties with this damaging person asap (easy to say however but it needs doing); using her as childcare is basically giving her permission to do you down more.

Would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. I would also suggest you read up about Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

I would also post on the "stately homes" thread on these pages. You will also get good counsel there too.

All I need to do is to change one word and it fits me like a glove!

"Your father is toxic and you are, as an adult child of toxic parents, now caught in the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt."

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/816671-Toxic-Dad-150-sorry-a-bit-complex