I have no friends (long, sorry)

[lovemyalfa]

Well this is really hard to write because I really need to talk about this but I have no-one to talk about it with!

I have never had what you could call a 'best friend' and tbh never really been that close to anyone. I know lots of people but there isn't anyone that I could ring up when I'm feeling down or get together with regularly for a girly chat. People have just kind of blown into my life and blown out again.

I work long hours and have 3DC (only 2 at home now) and a DH for which I'm really grateful and they make me very happy but I feel something's missing. When I read posts on here about people getting together with friends and nattering over a bottle of wine it makes me sad that I have no-one to do that with.

It's all kind of come to a head this weekend because DH is at his friend's father's house clearing it after he passed away. All the WAGs of his friends are there and although I offered to help too he decided that I should stay away so DD doesn't get in the way. That's OK I understand but the sad thing to me is that they are all there together and I am left at home excluded again. When DH and I got together he wanted us to all be friends together but it became clear that his friends were not really bothered by me, they are all still in touch with his X and know nothing about me at all really. When I suggested to DH that we should try to make friends with other couples his response was 'I've got lots of good friends I don't need any more'. He might not need them but I do.

Anyway, I would appreciate any advice on how to handle all this. I find I'm becoming boring and my relationship with DH is suffering because I am jealous of the friendships he has that I don't.

Is your dh your best friend? Some women and their husbands are sometimes not very close, and almost lead seperate lives in the same house, and they would share things with their best freind g/f they would not with their dh!

It sounds like your dh is keeping you at arms length from his friends, my exh used to do this with his friends and me after the first year or so, he was ea and controlling though!

This sounds horrible and really upsetting. Would it be possible for you to join a class/social group locally or develop a hobby of your own so that you can create your own friendship group?

www.spiceuk.com/home

Hugs, i know how your feeling, i live in a town that my mum sfamily live in so i have
2 aunties
2 cousins
2 other cousin who live in manchester but visit regularly.
2 step aunties
2 step cousins
a grandad and step grandma

do any of them come to see me?! Nope. Only one does and thats one of my aunties.

I used to try to organise going to park with one of cousins with my the kids and she would say il ring you - a year later im still waiting.

Although i did arrange to go with my cousin for a coffee tomorrow at a local pub across road from DS school and iv had to cancel as got council coming :( and i forgot.

All my friends live 30+ miles away and dont come to see me either :(

Explain to your DH how your feeling and how its making you feel down.

yes mummiehunnie I guess dh is the equivalent of a best friend in all other respects. Can't moan and rant about him to him though He's not controlling or anything and is actually really lovely which makes me feel worse for feeling this way.

I do feel like I need something else in my life, a hobby or something but frankly I'm worn out just working and having a family! I'm up at 5.30am, in work at 7am and home again at half 4. By the time I've made dinner and sorted the kids etc out I just want to sleep. Weekends are just housework, shopping etc and before you know it it's 9.30pm on sunday and I have to go to bed

DH and I have kind of discussed it but I find it really hard telling him that I'm actually jealous of him having close friends when I haven't got any. I said it this morning to him and he just said 'yes you do have friends' and when I said 'who?' he couldn't answer. So there you go. He's out all this weekend with his friends doing the house and has several weekends away with them planned in the next few months. His friends' WAGs are going to spend those weekends together doing something else but I'm not invited

lovemyalfa - I can really see why you feel hurt - I think you need to take this seriously and decide to change your life over the coming years - you really can do it - and you will need the support of your DH.

It seems thoughtless - or possibly unkind - that he left you behind this weekend - do you think he doesn't like you hanging out with his friends wags because they are friends with his ex and she wouldnt want you to be friends with them? If so - then he needs to grow up and make sure you feel welcome.

Could you invite yourself to the wags weekends together? It might seem scary - but worth a try? Perhaps they dont think you would want to come>?

THe second option is to just accept you are not part of that group and look for your own friends - if your husband has some weekends away then you need to work out how to build up your own group of friends.

This will take time - so be kind to yourself - make it a project over the next year for example. Tell your husband that it's a really important thing that you are doing for yourself and he needs to facilitate this by doing the childcare while you go out.

do you have any friends further away? ie. who would come and stay for a weekend - and be supportive to you while you go out locally and meet people/ attend gigs/ go to events etc?

Also - re, the weekends - what about pencilling in every 3rd/ 4th weekend that you just do not do the housework/ do the shopping earlier in the week - and MAKE yourself get out there with your husband or without meeting people/getting a hobby etc.

I think you must tell your husband that you felt left out this weekend and specifially that next time you would really like to have been invited and he has hurt your feelings. He needs to know this.

Having friends is really important - sometimes in life we drift away and realise we don't have a support group- you need to really think about how to meet people then devote time to it - good luck! and I hope you have fun along the way!

I really sympathise - one of the many things I have learnt on mn is there are LOADS of people who feel the same.

I don't understand why your dh seems to be excluding you. His friends should understand he is with YOU now, so you should be involved with his life. Have you asked him about this and told him you feel?

I imagine it is hard - what with you working long hours - but I think you need to find a way to make friends of you own. There must be something you are interested in? I have learnt the hard way how important it is to have aspects of your life which are independent of H.

waterrat you made me cry! Thanks for being so sweet and thanks all of you for some great advice. Right back when dh and I got together he would go on and on about how he wanted his friends and me to be close, probably to replicate the relationship they all had with him and his ex. I don't think he doesn't want me to be friends with his friends IYSWIM or that they won't be friendly with me because of his ex. I think they're like him, they have their friends and don't need any more and that, unfortunately, includes me. To be fair they're all nice to me on a 1 to 1 basis but as soon as they're all together as a group I may as well be invisible. I saw a few of his friends a couple of weeks ago and one of them spent ages telling me about how they'd had a great time over new year with DH's ex and her new partner and baby
I thought about inviting myself along to their weekend away but when it was mentioned a few weeks back, the 2 wags walked off talking about 'let's go to manchester and go shopping etc making it really obvious that I wasn't included.
Anyhoo, I will take your advice and try to find something to do with myself on the odd weekend. I will tell DH and I know he'll be supportive, looking after the kids etc so I guess the change has got to come from me...

wherecanIhide DH and I have discussed the situation of him and his friends excluding me and he always maintains that they don't! He sees it as me trying to make him choose, which I'm not. Last time we talked about it he said that they all like me etc etc but when I pointed out that none of them know anything about me, when my birthday is, where I work, nothing at all he had no answers. Ok, then I need to make my own friends but I have been here before with my first DH and we ended up leading totally separate lives and I don't want us to go the same way. AAAaarrrggg! Life is so bloody hard sometimes!

Could you ask to go along with him next time he is doing something with them? His group of friends actually sound very 'cliquey' which is inexcusable considering you are married! Don't let him fob you off with excuses eg dd might get in the way.

I understand you don't want to end up leading seperate lives, but I still think it is healthy to find your own friends (I know it is very hard). I also think you should be invited along with h when he sees his friends. If that situation does not improve, then I'd be questioning his whole attitude towards you. That is only my opinion - bearing in mind I don't know you both...

I really appreciate all of your opinions and I accept that sometimes I can't see the wood for the trees IYSWIM.
Lady sometimes I too think they are a big group of bastards! Someone else has called them cliquey and I know that at least one relationship within the group has failed because the girlfriend felt excluded so much. Thing is they have all been friends forever and grew up together, all married each other and there are groups of brothers/ sisters as well. It's like a fortress tbh, no outsiders allowed. Part of the problem is that I get really uncomfortable around them as a group because I feel like a spare part, so I try to avoid that situation and then DH feels torn between us. Not torn enough to actually explain how I feel to them though...

Exercise class is a good idea. I don't need to lose weight but if I can stay awake long enough the flabby bits would benefit from a toning up and friends would be a great bonus

The best thing about signing up for a class is that your DH will have to do dinner and all the house things that night. I don't find aerobics particularly friendly but maybe things like badminton or salsa are easier to chat at, depends what you enjoy. I have made friends more easily on a week long course, or even all day courses on weekends - especially if you have to have lunch together.

Regarding the group, is there one of them you get on with better than the others or have something in common with? You can't be expected to call up the whole lot of them for a natter over a bottle of wine but start with the most accessible and work up.

OP, sorry to hear this. Understand about the cliquey group becasue dh's old freinds are like that, never really ask me anything about myself. But then we don't see them that often and they are all nice.
Talk to dh about this again.
Maybe a change of perspective. Decide, right, I'll just go then. And make dh do some donkey work and phone a few of the wags and tell them that you are coming.
From now on just go, and do it. Because the letting-it-be-attitude hasn't worked.
meantime, I appreciate you are tired and busy, but you need another friend.
Mind you, have you ever addressed the fact that you have never felt the need for such closeness ? I think that is key.
I crave closeness and enjoy schoolground tittle-tattle, but crave meaningful relationships. I made a new school mum friend and now have that with her. She pops round and we walk the school run together.
Have you never had a close friend from toddler group, work, or school ? Why is that? I think that is your core issue.
Make an effort to make a new friend. There are tons and tons and tons of threads about this becasue we all struggle with this/is a common MN thinbg, as another poster said, Mn 'ers admit this alot.

I've got friend ishoos of my own atm (have a thread about it), but my problem is linked to a specific set of circumstances. The most obvious thing about your circumstances, alfa, is that you don't get any time to yourself! Even if you had a friend, what would you talk about? I do agree you need to schedule in time for yourself, get an activity ... and make the effort to have topics of interest. Do you read the paper? Are you a film buff? Think about it :)

The other thing is that you said you've never had 'best friends'. It sounds as if you allow people to be your friend if they're so inclined, and aren't too bothered when they lose interest and wander off.

Friendships are relationships. They're supposed to reflect roughly equal levels of confidence, investment and emotional support. You have to build them. I know a couple of women who complain they have no female friends - while I like them well enough, I wouldn't call them friends because they do not share with me. For example, if they want to talk about something personal, they either dump a monologue on me or treat our conversation as if it were a test, always trying to give the 'right' answer iykwim. There's no intimacy.

Wrt to your DH's pals, I imagine the ex connection is an added sticking point but they sound reasonably open. In your posts, it sounds as if you're wanting them to be friends with you and taking umbrage when they don't rush around welcoming you. How much are you offering them? Do you know when their birthdays are, what kind of holidays they like and what makes them laugh? It's all about sharing, not waiting for offers.

That old book, "How To Win Friends And Influence People", is over 50 years old now but it's still worth a read. Good luck!

I think there are two separate but entwined issues here. How long have you and your DH been together? Are your DCs joint? The reason I ask is it sounds like you are new to a group that was well-established and where his ExW is still a part, and they have clearly not accepted you - yet - but he has also not helped you become accepted. It may be that this is difficult for this close knit group, and may always be an issue. You need to decide whether this matters or not and then handle it accordingly. You can make it change, by being there, being pleasant and approachable etc.

But the more fundamental issue is your comment that you have no friends - and I think you should start with this, and build your confidence and self-esteem by making little steps first. To make friends, you need to be friendly and to make space for them - and to give it time. It sounds like time is what you are short of. ItsGraceAgain is very wise in her advice. Worry not about your DH's friends, just start being friendly at work, and practising your friendship skills.

good point grace, but I think if you are up against a tight clique then it's hard to make headway. as OP says, they're like a fortress. i've been in that situation (school gates GROAN) and it's like you're invisible.

i was in a clique once OP (once! lol!) and had no idea I was at the time. until circumstances moved on and realised I had been a favoured one by being admitted into a tight group. it was a fad - I had done something stunning (that was the key) and they wanted me in their group.

to state the obvious: cliques are exclusive. maybe dh doesn't know he's in a clique and is waiting for you to step up, kind of join in - maybe you hang back? to get into an established group, sometimes you have to introduce something new to put yourself fair and square on the map.

the illustration I can think of is from the horribly cliquey primary school my kids went to (mentioned above): a new woman started whose kid joined in yr 4. ALL friendships well-established by then, gates shut tight. She immediately volunteered to sell the school sweatshirts, which got her squarely on the map from day 1: she was the 'school sweatshirt lady'. She was at all the events, meetings etc - very quickly, everyone knew her name - and very quickly she was at all the parties and dinner parties. I watched in amazement as, overnight, she was grafted into the vine like she'd always been there. Had to take my hat off to her tbh - brilliant PR.

can you host something new and different, invite them as couples first, get OH on line. you have to create a fresh identity to match/compete with their history iyswim. You've got someone inside the clique to help you get your foot in: your husband.

Yep, humanheart, it does take effort to supply an answer to "But why would we want her?" Could be anything: having the most fun parties, telling the best jokes, having a sought-after membership, selling the school sweatshirts (good one!), anything really. Then you have to work it, like the sweatshirt lady did.

It's a shame you missed out on the house clearing, alfa, you could have taken charge of bacon sandwiches or something. I do feel DH could give you more of a leg-up here. But I also feel you'll benefit from reviewing what this friends business is all about - then getting on with it :)

Glad to help alfa. It is hard isn't it - when a group have already formed. They do sound quite a pain in the arse - but I suppose you are stuck with them in your life and will have to put on a brave front when in their company. Im sure eventually they will open up. As people here say, perhaps divide your worries into separate issues to be tackled - your husband does need to support you with being more friendly with this group - after all, if they are his friends then that's a life long situation.

And you need time to yourself in order to meet people, which I am sure he will support you with once he sees how important it is to you.

Are there any mumsnet groups where you live? or could you even set one up?

I'm pretty overwhelmed now, I have a lot to do to fix things! Had a deep and meaningful talk with DH over dinner tonight and he admits that they are a clique and he knows how hard it is for anyone to come in. But, he also said that I have confidence issues as I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone. I truly feel like I am really quite boring and I guess that if I feel that way it's bound to come across to others too.
You're right in that I have more than one issue here and the cliquey friendship is just one aspect of the problem. I had a good friend once but she just kind of ended our friendship. To this day I don't know why but it really hurt so I don't really get close to people now. Not a good recipe for healthy relationships.
My DH and I have been together for 7 years and have a DD (my other 2 are with my x) so I've come to the conclusion that if 7 years isn't long enough to break into his friendship circle it aint gonna happen! However he's agreed to try to help by inviting a couple of them over for dinner and to do stuff together so we'll see how that goes.
workingitout I can't make work friends as I'm the boss and it just gets complicated so that's another avenue closed unfortunately. There maybe some stuff at my DD's preschool that I can get involved with so I'll give it a go. What's really obvious to me now is that I can't carry on like this as it makes me dislike myself and if I don't like me no-one else will either. Hugs to you all for helping x

I was in this situation once, it was horrible. I eventually dropped out of the clique (not that I was ever really in it) and was much better for it - i had more time to make proper friends. These are people who care about me and I care about.
If you are unhappy with them, and you can't make friends at work you have to make / find time to make friends outside work and home - like your idea of preschool. I have always found other mums friendly and although it takes a long, long time I have found that appearing confident and outgoing even when you don't fell that way inside is a good way of making friends, I think people are attracted to that sort of appearance. Don't be too hard on yourself, I think you need to give yourself a couple of years.

Do you have a local college you could do an evening class at? Or their might be something at the leisure centre. Ours does a beginners squash course and when you 'graduate' then you can go into the league at meet up with people through that. Ice skating and scuba diving (in the swimming pool) are both really popular with adult beginners around here. Golf is quite good too as you can go on a ladies only beginner course and its the sort of hobby that has a built in social life around it.

If you have the time you could arrange one of those charity coffee mornings and invite loads of people. If you click with anyone it will be easier to invite them over again.

The cinema is a good one too. Strike up a conversation at pre school about the latest hyped up film and if a couple of people show any interest then suggest you all go together. People like the cinema but often not quite enough to bother getting a babysitter to go with their DHs.

Take baby steps, compliment strangers, talk to the checkout assistant, start a class.

Don't let DH bugger off all the time leaving you holding the baby if he isn't going to do his fair share of staying in so you can go out.

His friends don't sound very nice, tbh (and I'm a little suspicious of your DH's motives too in "unintentionally" keeping you separate from them). I'm inclined to say Sod Them All and furrow your own path. Carve out some time for yourself on the weekends (housework can wait, or DH can do it - HEY! - or compress it down to an hour) - take yourself off to the gym (a regular class is good), join a group at the local library (book club?), local Church, learn a sport with others - basically start working on discovering what YOU like/would like to do and do it on the weekends and meet like-minded people that way.

Baby steps. Make the focus yourself and not other people and the "other people" will follow.

Forget about your DH's mates.

Oh yes and I am all for the "pretend you're confident even if you're not" school of thought. I am incredibly shy, introverted and often lack confidence in myself but you wouldn't know it to look at me. I put up a front on a daily basis and 9 times out of 10 I even fool myself :-)

arent' there 'dating' sites for finding friends? i think i've seen one for london. there must be others ....if not then it's a bit of a gap in the market, isn't it?