I have no friends (long, sorry)

[lovemyalfa]

Well this is really hard to write because I really need to talk about this but I have no-one to talk about it with!

I have never had what you could call a 'best friend' and tbh never really been that close to anyone. I know lots of people but there isn't anyone that I could ring up when I'm feeling down or get together with regularly for a girly chat. People have just kind of blown into my life and blown out again.

I work long hours and have 3DC (only 2 at home now) and a DH for which I'm really grateful and they make me very happy but I feel something's missing. When I read posts on here about people getting together with friends and nattering over a bottle of wine it makes me sad that I have no-one to do that with.

It's all kind of come to a head this weekend because DH is at his friend's father's house clearing it after he passed away. All the WAGs of his friends are there and although I offered to help too he decided that I should stay away so DD doesn't get in the way. That's OK I understand but the sad thing to me is that they are all there together and I am left at home excluded again. When DH and I got together he wanted us to all be friends together but it became clear that his friends were not really bothered by me, they are all still in touch with his X and know nothing about me at all really. When I suggested to DH that we should try to make friends with other couples his response was 'I've got lots of good friends I don't need any more'. He might not need them but I do.

Anyway, I would appreciate any advice on how to handle all this. I find I'm becoming boring and my relationship with DH is suffering because I am jealous of the friendships he has that I don't.

i can't vouch for this but looks interesting.

www.fishingforafriend.com/

OP - just following up your lovely answering message on Monday. Am glad to see you are embracing some of these questions and that your DH is being so supportive too. I wanted to say two things...you come across so nicely on your posts that I am sure you are just as nice in real life (I seem to have seen a lot of threads recently on MN where people are behaving like harridans!). Lack of confidence may make you shy, and stop you offering what you have, but you sound lovely and are clearly loveable (your DHs both think so!). Being friendly is a skill like any other, and maybe you have forgotten to practise it and got rusty. Loads of good advice on here, and my encouragement to you is just to start doing it in little bits.

For example - I too work pretty long hours and have three DCs and find it really easy to fail to respond to friends, follow up etc. And I know to have a friend you need to be a friend. So - this may sound a bit anal but it works for me - I set myself a target that every day at work I send 5 emails to friends. Usually just quick chatty ones, or ones making plans, but sometimes lot longer more thoughtful ones, and it makes a real difference.

And then, about being the boss. I understand it's complicated and there are no go places, but speaking as a boss, who also has a boss, I have to tell you that you can still be friendly. I have only had two bosses in my entire career that I would say were not also personal friends. And my staff are also friends too - yes I give them orders, yes I appraise their performance, yes I decide what they get paid - but I also chat to them, compliment them on their shoes, ask about their boyfriends and their weekends, sympathise with them about their MILs etc etc. Maybe you've fallen into the thinking that as a woman and a boss you have to be tough and have suppressed your natural friendliness there? So can I suggest you could possibly view the workplace as a place where you can begin to practise your friendliness skills too?

workingitoutasigo thanks for your lovely message. I've been following your advice today and have texted someone for a get together and chat over tea and cake. Not a random person, the mum of a friend of my ds2 who I've got along well with in the past and I think we could end up good friends. I also went ice skating after work, by myself but it was really nice not to have to rush back and get the dinner on! I'm feeling a lot more positive about things and have given myself an almighty kick up the arse to change my life, thanks to all of you.

The boss thing is a bit tricky, I am friendly and do compliment people and ask them about their weekend and so on. I just have to keep them a bit at arms length because I struggle with being the boss of people I'm too friendly with. The work 'persona' and the real me have to be different or I can't do it!

I think the having the people over to dinner thing is a good idea. Just two couples should be enough to start with. Don't let your DH invite them over though. Take courage in both hands and ring them yourself (no emails) and ask them. Chat about if they are allergic to or dislike any particular type of food.

This way, when they come round, they will see you as a couple and btw make an easy meal so that you don't spend all the time in the kitchen.

Good Luck.

And then ask the next two couples, and the next. You will get to know them this way.

Great to hear you're feeling a bit better about things alfa. yes I was worried about the advice being a bit too overwhelming (i would've felt the same lol). Also agree about the boss thing ie the way you feel about it re one or the other, not both.

Agree also with the 5 emails a week idea - ie keeping friendships on the boil. I recently wrote a list of friends/potential friends with a note in brackets (call, write, arrange to meet, email etc), otherwise in a busy life the fire can go out - plus friends may be feeling neglected: tbh I think a lot of us are putting on a confident front.

I think the breakup with your close friend probably knocked your confidence a lot at the time - those things can stay with you until you get back on the horse... I personally think that a breakup with a friend can easily compete on the pain scale with a breakup with a lover - it can also really rock your confidence, particularly if you don't know why it happened.

As for the clique - agree that you don't need to focus on them too much (esp to get any real friend-sustenance from) but, as it looks like they're a permanent fixture, court them in order to get you on the map: you personally within the context of you two as a couple. It just may be that some of them also feel the pressure of the clique (you never know..) and may value some real friendship. But don't hold out for that - if it happens, great; if not, no worries (they sound a bit self-involved anyway).

btw, as a result of your thread, I bumped into an old friend/aquaintance today from the dreaded school I mentioned above - and asked her out to lunch! bravery! [she said yes - phew]

Yay!! Well done humanheart glad you've got something positive from this too!
The more I think about it the more I blame my parents. Not a cop out but my mum never had a best friend so I never saw any close female friendships whilst growing up and this has probably affected me quite a bit. Anyway enough of the navel gazing I'm just grateful to have got so much great advice from all you MNers and I will be taking most of it and seeing how we go.
Will let you know when I get the courage to ring the 1st couple from the clique and invite them round

thanku for your encouragement alfa

some people aren't 'best friend' types imo - I'm not. I've got some good, close friends - scattered abroad it has to be said ie around the country and the world, not part of my daily life - but not one special friend. I never have had a best friend. someone at school tried to be my best friend (I think bcs she liked the idea of having a best friend?) but I didn't understand it tbh - I seem to be blind to the nuances of 'best' friendship. i get on better with men tbh! more straightforward.

Big Hugs

this must be upsetting for you, maybe joining voluntary groups, in your community?

I didnt read if you worked or not.