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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Once I have what I want I loose interest. Why ?

30 replies

newbie2011 · 05/02/2011 19:39

A few weeks ago I met a new man, he is in every way my type, physically, mentally and we have the same long term ideals as far as I can tell.

I spent 10 years with someone who I now wondered it I ever really loved or was in love with, we split on good terms and have remained friends. I have never got much out of sex, the actaul act, never understood what the big deal was, and untill after the end of that relationship I had never had an orgasm, still havent had one with someone.

During the 10 yr relationship I was unfathfuo with several men, I think I was looking for "something", my partner wasnt very sexual, so did go out of the habit of sex. He had never asked if I came though. Had a few very casual encounters with people in the last 18 months, again I didnt get a lot sexually out of these, but liked being physically close to someone.

Thought it may be nice to have someone again, to see if I would feel differently to in the past, met the man, fancy the pants off him and genuinly like him, told him about my past sex "issuse", he is the first person to ever ask me about stuff, and he is being brilliant, but now I feel quite confidant that he genuinely likes me, even with the oroblems I just seem to have lost interest in the whole situation. I should feel very different about the man who had already said that there is not rush with the sex stuff, no pressure and he wants to be the one to make it happen for me.

Im so confused, and quite upset by my feelinga now, I just dont understand why I have lost interest beacuse he is exactly what I wanted.

Anyone else identifiy/help etc etc ? thanks.

OP posts:

RandyRussian · 05/02/2011 19:53

Are you the sort of person who's never satisfied with what she has but always wants more? Maybe you were an only child?

Original poster

newbie2011 · 05/02/2011 19:59

not an only child, had a modest but "good" upbringing. Im otherwise happy with what I have, good job, car and own home, no debts...

OP posts:

msboogie · 06/02/2011 00:04

are you definitely 100% sure you are heterosexual?

Original poster

newbie2011 · 06/02/2011 17:11

yes, Im hetrosexual. What made you ask that, just out of interest ?

OP posts:

bubblewrapped · 06/02/2011 18:54

lol... what a bizarre question...

I can see absolutely nothing in the OP to suggest that she is anything other than heterosexual..

Afraid I dont have any suggestions though, other than maybe you just havent yet met the right one.(man, that is!)

ItsGraceAgain · 06/02/2011 19:16

It looks as if you're still finding out what you want. Your ex fell far short of the usual requirements for a happy partnership. A long and unsuccessful relationship knocks your self-esteem and lowers your expectations - I guess you're still adding to your list of desirable qualities.

It's a bit sad for your current man but, if you're just not that into him ... move on and keep experimenting :)

merrywidow · 06/02/2011 20:29

sounds like you are switching off a part of yourself for some reason

Original poster

newbie2011 · 06/02/2011 20:47

Itsgraceagain, thanks for that, what you said makes some sense to me. With the new bloke though, Im going to stick with him, he is a really lovely bloke, and like I said, he has been really good about things, and at the start of something so new I had expected him to just tell me I was too much effort, and walk away. I think he will be the one for me to experiment with (sexually I mean, not him in general !)and if we're both happy with that and Ive been upfront then I'm not doing anything wrong or leading him on. It could be that when I am able to relax and get used to someone who seems to care, he might be the man for me...

And Merrywidow, reading back my posting, it does seem like I am switching off, but I dont know why - the new bloke did ask me in a very tactful way if I had had a bad experience or soemthing in the past. I havent, apart from having slept with several men that havnt done a lot for me, but I just put that down to me having some kind of problem, not them just not being very good.

OP posts:

ItsGraceAgain · 06/02/2011 22:11

Thanks for your lovely reply :)

It seems a bit strange (to me) that DP asked about past experiences - assuming you hadn't gone into a major screaming flashback during sex, it does rather look (to me) as if he's pathologising the fact that you're not all over him. As in, "What's wrong with you, I'm perfect!"

Still, good to hear you're on a mission to experiment. Just promise me you'll hear alarm bells if you ever find yourself thinking "What's wrong with me?" OR "He's the best I'll get, I'd better start liking him."

Hope you see what I mean ... ?

Original poster

newbie2011 · 07/02/2011 09:34

IGA, I supose out of context him asking me about past experiences may sound a bit odd, but we were just chatting generally about that kind of thing, and my inability to relax and get into it (as it were), he is the first person who Ive ever really spoken to about this kind of stuff, so no, it wasnt asked in conjunction with his performance, but I see how that could have been interpreted by how I put it !

I do think the problem is with me though, as I dont see how several different men, of different ages, experiences, shapes/sizes etc can of all failed to do much for me... But no, I wont start thinking he is the best Im going to get or anything like that, as I have been happy on my own for the last 18 months, Im not the type who would put up with a man just becuase he is a man, and better than noone. But yes, I totally see what you meant - so thanks for that.

OP posts:

kepler10b · 07/02/2011 10:38

maybe you just have a very low sex drive. it's hormones that usually drive our sexual urges and also our chemical bonding with a new partner. perhaps you have a hormonal imbalance that is preventing these things from functioning at the typical level.

kepler10b · 07/02/2011 10:42

an interesting link about love and lust and our chemical transmitters. articles.cnn.com/2007-02-14/health/love.science_1_scans-caudate-amygdala?_s=PM:HEALTH

beingsetup · 07/02/2011 11:57

Deep down you think you are a very bad person and don't deserve to be happy, so you sabotage yourself everytime you are?

ItsGraceAgain · 07/02/2011 12:05

Thanks for your reply above. You sound marvellously well sorted - stay that way! If what you're talking about is a lack of sexual connection - and you've never had that with anybody - it might be that your physical makeup doesn't encourage it. This wouldn't be seen as a medical abnormality, btw. If, otoh, you're talking about an absence of special feelings towards him, it probably means he's not right for you even though there's no clear reason.

It would obviously be important to discuss all of this with him in depth, should your relationship get more serious.

In the meantime - well, enjoy what you've got and keep an open mind! It takes a while to recover from a 10-year trough, don't expect everything to fall into place at once :)

mrsruffallo · 07/02/2011 12:06

It's lose not loose.

Original poster

newbie2011 · 07/02/2011 14:00

Kepler10, thanks for the weblink, I will have a look at that later. By chance I have had a full hormone check in the last month, and all my levels were ok, I have spoken to my dr about my lack of libedo, and he's not very interested so he did the blood test just to shut me up I think.

BeingSetup - thats a very "deep" answer ! But no, I dont think Im a bad person who doesnt deserve to be happy, I appreciate that many people do think like this though.

ItsGraceAgain, I think I am fairly well sorted, so thanks for that, this is the only area of my life that I just dont get. You could be right on the pysical make up thing, my family is not a tactile or lovey dovey family, I dont rememeber being told by them that they loved me (I am in no way saying that they didnt, its just that they do not show things), and then my ex of 10 years was even worse than them, so that doesnt help. Thats why its so nice to have someone around who is able to talk about things, he is being very patient though, and is very considerate, I might just not feel sure of him because he is so very different to what I am used to.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/02/2011 14:05

Perhaps you are not cut out to be monogamous ?

Original poster

newbie2011 · 07/02/2011 20:02

AF, yeah I have wondered that before, I dont have a lot of faith in manogomy, cos I just dont get what stops people from straying from someone even when they are in a relationship.

I also like the "new factor" of a new person, the chase, expectation etc - even if the actaul result for me hasnt been that fulfilling.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/02/2011 20:04

it's not a crime to not want/be cut out for monogamy

as long as you are honest with the person you are with, and you afford them the same opportunities

mummiehunnie · 07/02/2011 20:10

Newbie2011, was your exdp of 10 years always not a sexual person, or did things start out sexual? Why do you think that your sex life with that exdp dipped off?

Original poster

newbie2011 · 07/02/2011 20:36

AF, yes I would be honest with who I am with, and the same rules would apply to him, becuase thats only fair after all.

mummiehunnie. I'm trying to remember how it was with exdp, we lived a long way apart so only saw each other at weekends for first 4 years, but I dont think it was all sex at that time. He wasnt an overly affectionate or emotional person in anyway, and we did have some comunication problems towards the end. I guess we just got out of the habit of sex, and didnt really realise.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/02/2011 20:37

and also, newbie, no poaching on another woman's bloke

otherwise fair game if that's what you really want

you sound confused though, love

Original poster

newbie2011 · 07/02/2011 20:53

nope, I dont do bloke stealing, its not fair, clever or right. I do sound a bit confused, I hadnt realised till I started thinking about stuff, and then reading it back.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/02/2011 20:55

your posts are full of contradictions, I noticed

Original poster

newbie2011 · 07/02/2011 21:01

Im assuming you mean the last post, I probably worded that wrong, should have said that I would no longer bloke steal, have not been an angel in the past. And yes I was unfaithful to my expd, because I was looking for affection, or just to see how it felt to be wanted by someone new. Through speaking to people during my "sinlge time", I realise that I behaved very badly, and there are a lot of things I will not do in the future.

OP posts:

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