Is wanting to know my biological father such a bad thing

[Dylthan]

My biological father left my mum before I was born. She met my dad when I was 4 months and he adopted me when I was 3.

I love him very much I couldn't ask for a better dad and he is an amazing grandad.

However not knowing who my biological father is leaves me feeling like there is a whole in my life

I don't know his name, there us no photos of him nothing. I've no doubt he was a giant knob and wanted nothing to do with me so it isn't a happy father daughter reunion that I am looking for. Like I said I have a dad who I love very much. But I would like to know where I've come from.

When I last asked about this I was a teenager and was told that I would break my dads heart if I ever went looking for him. It makes me cry just thinking about it and even writing this makes me feel so guilty.

Now that I have children of my own it makes me think about it all over again. I don't want to tell them about it because I don't want them to feel like me and I really don't know anything anyway. But I think what about if they ever find out would they hate me for never telling them and once my parents and grandparents die the trail will be dead to know who he is (there's no name on my birth certificate) do I owe it to my dc to find things out or do I leave it so as not to cause my parents unnessisary pain.

I feel like such a horrible daughter for even thinking these things but the thoughts simply won't go away no matter how hard I try

Hole not whole

You are not horrible. It's entirely reasonable to want to know about your biological father. And you are right to want to do this before the trail goes cold. Different circumstances but my mother only discovered she was adopted in her mid-40s, when both her parents had been dead for years. There's no-one we can ask so we will never know or be able to trace her mother. (Private adoption and court records destroyed in a fire, darn it.) So DO start hunting before you lose the chance.

Have you got any information to go on? If you have his name from your birth certificate, you can look up the electoral register...

Well, given that there are hundreds of women on here who grew up knowing for sure that their fathers were giant knobs, and have spent their lives trying to correct the damage done by them, then I would say think very very carefully about what oyu want to achieve by this. You have a father who loves you and has been good to you and your children. Tread carefully, and be realistic about what you might find. And don't hurt your dear Dad.

It's very difficult to deal with isn't it. My circumstances are very similar to your own and as a teenager I felt the same. But now, I couldn't care less. My dad is the wonderful man who brought me up, not the idiot who wanted nothing to do with me. He didn't want to know me, so why on earth would I want to know him? Maybe it's different as I have 2 older brothers from that marriage, and his identity isn't a secret. I know who he is, but have no desire at all to meet him. I wonder if you'd actually be disappointed by the reality of your fatehr iyswim? What if he wasn't happy you'd contacted him? I think that would be incredibly hard to deal with, a double rejection :( Does your mum know how you feel?

I have been where you are now but with a slight difference. My DM knew where my BF was and never told me. She raised me to believe that he had vanished. He got in touch 5 years ago after being diagnosed with a terminal illness. I got to know a little bit about him in the next 2 years before he sadly passed away

Please tread carefully, as you will have no idea how he will receive you. I hope it goes well for you and you have a happier ending than I did

Edam there is no name on my birth certificate so to find anything out would mean dragging it all up again.

BooBoo I don't think I want to meet him at all I just want to know a little about him.

I also wonder if I have brothers/sisters or even nieces/nephews now I would love to know but of course that would bring up the whole question of wether if there is would it be cruel to suddenly show up in their lives. It probably would be wouldn't it.

And I know this is probably going to sound stupid but when filling out health questions like the booking in appointment when I was pg or the questions asked by the hv to put on dc's files I have no idea if heart disease, diabetes, asthma, allergies or anything runs in my "family"

I was wondering why you though your children might hate you because you know nothing about your biological father? This is your mother's choice, and you can explain it to them in those terms, surely.

I echo what the other posters have said about the potential for massive disruption within your family when you know how strongly your mother feels about not telling and the pain she worries it could cause your father.

But now you're adult, his position as your father is more indirect, and the potential for him to feel threatened and upset is therefore less. There is also a good argument to maded for knowing something about him even just for medical reasons.

Perhaps you could approach your mother again in these terms; if you can win her over then you stand the best chance of finding out in acceptable circumstances.

I'm sorry to mention this, but it is possible she does not want you to know because the circumstances of her becoming pregnant were distressing. Whatever you choose to do, tread carefully and I wish you well.

I think you need to look at it like this: Your mum presumably could have brushed your real dad under the carpet, you were so young that she could have passed off your dad as your real father and you'd have known no different. So at least you know. I don't think knowing about his side of the family will add anything to your life. I know it wouldn't to mine.

onimolop no I don't think there was anything distressing. From what I've been told they were just young and I was an accident which he didn't want.

I worry about my dc's feelings because I don't want them to upset my parents by asking qiestions like i have so I would rather they just never knew anything but then I have this vision in my head of them finding my adoption certificate when I'm long gone and being angry thinking why the hell didn't mum tell us surely we had a right to know.

how old are your dc? You can tell them when you feel they are at the right age or when you have gather some information for yourself.

I have some horrible truth to tell my ds when he will be a bit older, and I really feel sad and tearful every time I read a story like yours.

Do speak to your mother, she is a grandparent now she may want to tell you more. Be very supportive of her though as I am sure that there is more to this story that what you know and she may have carried the weight for all her life. It is very difficult to keep such secret and I dont think any mother would do that lightly if there was not a good reason for it. Still, you are not a child anymore and you need to know. Only when you know the full story should you decide if you still want to go and found out more about his recent life. I hope to be wrong of course and wish you best of luck. I would not go looking for him before talking to your mother at lenght

Please consider yourself lucky to have had a nice family life and a stepdad, it is not always the case

I don't think your Dad would be hurt by your wish to find out more about your biological father, unless you did it behind his back. Write down all the reasons why you want to do this, and what you hope to gain. Read this list later, and if it still seems like a good idea, talk to you Dad about it. If the only reason is that your children might not understand why this was kept from them, write them a letter, and keep it with your adoption certificate.

I'm so sorry my story has upset you justforthison I do realise I'm sounding horribly ungrateful which I'm not honestly I do appreciate every thing my family have done for me.

I really don't think it was anything other than what I've said though. He was 19 and apparently a very heavy drinker with a "huge chip on his shoulder" my granny's words.

When I was asking about it when I was younger granny did say that he called her when mum was in hospital after having me to ask how we were both doing this seemed to take my mum by surprise I don't think she realised that he had even acknowlidged my birth when mum asked what he had said granny said he asked about us and then said he had to go because he was on a pay phone and needed the rest of his money for the pub.

From what mum has said the finall straw came when his parents asked in front of them both if mum was pg and he denied it. I get the impression that mum thought there and then that she would be better off on her own.

It has affected me I left home at 16 and joined the millitary as I felt my family didn't love me or at least didn't love me as much as my brother. If spoken to them about this recently and this is because they see me as more independent and think my brother lacks commen sense.

I suffered from depression as a teenager and got quite bad pnd after having my ds I had cpd to help deal with it and am finally feeling much more in control of my life. As a result of this my relationship with my parents is the best it's ever been.

So really I just wish that this would bugger off and leave my head my therapist thought that only by finding things out and dealing with this would it all start to resolve itself for me but as our relationship is so good now I really don't want to rock the boat.

i'm marking a place in this thread so I can come back to it later when I have time to reply properly.

I've been through this, and did meet my bio dad so i'll come back and share my experience with you - if you'd like me to.

Hi, my ds will be in your position when he's older.
My ex and I split before I knew I was pregnant and because I wouldn't go back to him when I found out, he didn't want to know.
I did at my own cost through a solicitor get his name on the birth certificate, so if my ds many years later wanted to trace him, he would have something to go on, as I don't have any details now.
Ex is a knob, but I will inform ds of the facts and answer any questions truthfully that he asks, my dp has been the only dad he's known since he was under a year old, but he knows he's not his biological dad (well as much as he can take in at the age of 6).
I would be upset and dp would be devastated if ds wanted to track him down at some point, BUT we both understand that some people really do need to know where their biology comes from and even if its all shit, well then at least you know.
I had a friend who was adopted, she was in her late thirties when she tracked down her birth mother and it was a disaster to say the least, but at least she then knew and was then able to close the door so to speak.
Speak to your parents again, time has passed, your not a stroppy teenager thats going to suddenly declare your off to live with your birth father as you can't stay out late etc, reassure them it changes nothing about the way you feel about them, but its something that you need to know. Good Luck x

Thank you queenrollo that would be really helpful

trapped that's exactly how I feel. Thank you for understanding.

Dylthan,your story is so close to mine that I'm finding it difficult to write. I'll come back later.
In the meantime,I'd just say that I left it too late to try to contact my BF,and he'd died quite young. I was furious with my mother because she'd robbed me of the chance to even know who he was,by re-inventing herself. She wouldn't tell me his name,I only found out in quite bizarre circumstances.
I appreciate that your good parents are a major stumbling-block in you not wanting to press the point,but truth is not so easily swept under the carpet. Your mother owes it to you to tell you who your BF is.
I went into deep depression when I found that I'd left it too late to meet mine ,mainly angry at myself. Your therapist is so right. It was the birth of my DC's that triggered the need for my true past as well. Wow! This was meant to be short.
I'll leave on a lovely note. Although I'd left it too late to meet him,I found 2 fantastic new half-sisters. They've made me feel whole
.

I understand where you are coming from. I do have a name, though not on my birth certificate, and occassionally the subject is brought up, and I always say I dont want to know, for fear of upsetting both of my parents (mum and step dad). But my daughter has a genetic condition and for medical reasons that MIGHT give me an excuse... Im intregued really, but realise I am getting the to age where I should do it soon, or he may not be around. He may already not be around - my mum is 65, I think he was around 3 years older...

dythlan i didnt meet my dad till I was 18. He and mum divorced when i was months old as he was controlling and abusive. Luckily my family (except mum) were quite open about him so i managed to find him. I never told my mum for fear of upsetting her, unfortunately mum passed away and i didnt get the chance to tell her. This has meant a lot of unanswered questions and me keeping my dad at arms length for fear of losing him. Sorry for big long story but imo you would be better speaking to your mum and explaining what the therapist feels would help you. You know were i am if you need to talk x

Dythlan, I think it perfectly reasonable that you want to know more about your father.

To be honest, although it would be upsetting for your dad, he shouldn't stand in your way.

You are an adult now and he shouldn't feel threatened by your natural need to know.

Dylthan I did not mean that your story made me sad/feeling sorry for myself. Quite the opposite, I am sad for my own ds, for you and for anybody that has to go through life or part of without knowing the other half of their history
I hope you can get your mum to tell you all she can and that you can trace him back. He must be still fairly young, did not realised he was a boy himself when he had you,. Did you see the thread on MN about a woman getting ready to meet up with her dad? Sounds a positive one you should be able to find it
(I ve been lurking there too)

I think your therapist was right. You should at least know his name and be able to see photos. It is very unfair of your parents not to give you this information. Other members of your family will know - do any of them know how you are feeling?