Is wanting to know my biological father such a bad thing

[Dylthan]

My biological father left my mum before I was born. She met my dad when I was 4 months and he adopted me when I was 3.

I love him very much I couldn't ask for a better dad and he is an amazing grandad.

However not knowing who my biological father is leaves me feeling like there is a whole in my life

I don't know his name, there us no photos of him nothing. I've no doubt he was a giant knob and wanted nothing to do with me so it isn't a happy father daughter reunion that I am looking for. Like I said I have a dad who I love very much. But I would like to know where I've come from.

When I last asked about this I was a teenager and was told that I would break my dads heart if I ever went looking for him. It makes me cry just thinking about it and even writing this makes me feel so guilty.

Now that I have children of my own it makes me think about it all over again. I don't want to tell them about it because I don't want them to feel like me and I really don't know anything anyway. But I think what about if they ever find out would they hate me for never telling them and once my parents and grandparents die the trail will be dead to know who he is (there's no name on my birth certificate) do I owe it to my dc to find things out or do I leave it so as not to cause my parents unnessisary pain.

I feel like such a horrible daughter for even thinking these things but the thoughts simply won't go away no matter how hard I try

I never met my father. My Mum left him when I was six months old and moved to a different country. He never made contact.

I always wanted to meet him, felt very driven by it but was afraid of my mothers reaction. She made so many sacrifices whilst I was growing up and I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

I did manage to locate him when I was 19. I kept it secret and was determined to contact him in person when I left home.

However, when I left home at 22 and tried to contact him he had died.

I felt robbed to be honest but I also felt that I shouldn't grieve someone I had never met.

My advice is, if you really want to make contact, don't leave it too late.

It is a tough one. I do agree with everyone who says you have a great dad and he is truly your real father. He was the one who brought you up and loved you.
However, my own experience of this is that my mum never knew her real father. It didn't bother her when she was younger. Now though she is 77 and she really dwells on it. She knows it is likely she has half siblings she has never and will never know. If I am honest it bothers me as well. We have traced our DSs blood family on my fathers side back to the 17th century, I will never know anything about my mums paternal family.

We have a DD who is adopted. Her dad is and always will be my DH. But I completely respect her right to know about her blood heritage.

I think you should speak to your parents, explain how much you love your dad but that you and your DC have a right to know.

Gosh I could have written most of that!

Will try to keep it brief, apologies if I ramble on.

I found out my dad wasn't my real dad when I was 19 after overhearing a drunken conversation between my mam and aunt. When I challenged her about it she told me it wasn't anything to do with me and that I already had a dad so didn't need to know.

Over the past 11 years I have been told not to mention it as it upsets her too much. I've had depression because of this, felt I was never wanted as a child and felt I was some sort of dirty secret.

I finally built up the courage to ask my mam about my BF after New Year, and she reluctantly told me. It turned out that they split up before she found out she was pregnant. He is also my uncle's wife's twin brother! When my BF found out about me (after I was born) he wanted to be involved in my life, but as my mam didn't want him in her life, I wasn't allowed him in mine either. He wasn't a bad person, I wasn't the result of an affair. My dad started dating my mam when I was 3 months old and we emigrated the following year, moving back to the UK 13 years later.

I told my dad afew days after finding out the truth that I knew he wasn't my bio dad, but that it didn't change anything between us as he had been the man tht brought me up. He fully supports me in any decision I've maderegarding my BF.

I contacted my aunt a few weeks ago and askde her a few questions and since then it has gone really fast. I met my BF last week and again today with DH. I also have 6 other siblings. He is a really nice man and I hope to build up a relationship with him.

So anyway......it may not be asbad as you envisage, there are always two sides to a story.

You are a grown up, and you are entitled to know where you come from.

psily, when you say you have traced back your father's family tree, you are making assumptions that there are no similar skeletons in their closets.

That is so true Jaques it almost makes me laugh out loud.

Anyway, I would be fully supportive of my ds although it would grate! It is an itch I would have to scratch as well.

I've got a couple of perspectives on this. Firstly,my eldest daughter has never met her biological father. Every year or so since she's been a young teenager, I ask her if she would like to know anything about him, want to meet him etc. Every year she says no but I was really concerned when, a couple of years ago, her retort was, "he didn't want anything to do with me, so I'm not interested in him". That wasn't true and I thought I had told her that I finished the relationship - I was 15 years old at the time and he a few years older. He would have stuck around for a while but I don't think we would have stayed together. As young as I was, I also wanted better for her and he wasn't a strong person. That said, he has not made any effort to get in touch and for all I know, she may even have known paternal relatives in our town without realising that they were. I've made the situation clear to her but she still wants to know nothing. (He got into trouble with the law after we separated for petty misdeamenors and indeed, could have got into trouble with the law for having a sexual relationship with a fifteen year old but I begged my parents not to pursue the matter. I knew fine what I was doing and didn't feel under any pressure.)

Situation Number 2 - 1935 - pre-war Britain. My mother was born to her 36 year old mother who never married. My grandmother had been in a longstanding relationship but they quarelled whilst my grandmother was pregnant and split up before they were due to marry. My mother has never known her real father. At the ripe old age of 70 something, she has started to wonder what he was like. I think she always did wonder but it wasn't the done thing to ask. It's clearly too late. Strangely, I found out that he had died in the same year as my grandmother but cannot find anything else out about him. My mum will go to her grave never knowing what he was like, what he looked like etc. I say, if you want to know, calmly explain to your parents and they should understand your need. You may need to prepare yourself for all scenarios but from my mother's experience, your curiosity probably won't go away and it's better to do this sooner than leave it too late. All the best to you in this difficult situation.

By the way, my dad is 86 and never knew his father. For as long as I can remember he has been trying gather information but there is little to go on.

No matter what age, I don't think the desire to find out ever ends.

Thank you so much to everyone for your kind words and for sharing your experiences it's made me feel less alone.

I'm well aware that I'm only getting one side of the story and seen from bf's pov it may of happened compleatly differently. I also think he would be a diffrent man to the one he was at 19 (perhaps not though)

I know this is going to sound really pathetic but I've always kind of hoped that he would find me and then I wouldn't have to raise the subject again but that's never going to happen is it.

But I do really feel like I owe it to my dc to at least give them some details.

Dylthan, my BF has said that there was a few times he had wanted to contact me but respected that I might have a different life and no room for him.

I wish you all the luck in whatever you choose to do.

really interested to read this thread (i am a complete lurker and haven't posted in a long long time). I completely empathise with the op in wanting to find her biological father. In all honesty hoped someone would give me a top tip i hadn't thought of yet as i would love to find out more about mine with almost nothing to go on, if anyone has any bright ideas in finding someone with only a name without spelling definite in a different past of the country fern a conception that resulted from a 3 day fling please help me. Sorry typing on phone so spelling paragraphing might be dodgy.

Dylthan, I don't want to raise false hopes, but a friend of mine recently contacted her biological father for the first time and it is going wonderfully well.

Similar-ish story to yours - her parents split when she was a newborn - with the added factor that her father then moved overseas. But what is lovely is that she's been welcomed by her father, stepmother and brother and sister who are all genuinely thrilled that she's got in touch.

So it can go well... (Although obviously it's early days for my friend who hasn't actually met her 'new' family yet - will fly out to see them in April).

Sorry, my message is really quite incoherent! Thanks Maryz. I did have a tearful moment looking up schools in the area (Solihull) and finding out that one of the high schools is called the same as my first name - think it's an utter coincidence but still a bit spooky.

He doesn't know I exist, there was literally no contact after the very short lived affair. My dad (who brought me up and my mum was married to at the time) is on my birth certificate. I still wouldn't know now if I hadn't A. Got pregnant and B. Always been led to believe my blood type was O negative. Turns out it's B positive and luckily I studied enough biology to know that that's impossible with two type O parents

I think I would want to know for medical history reasons at least.

Best of luck.