I really don't like my DPs new job! - advice

[broodyelle]

DP is 20. It is his first full time job since dropping out of uni. He works more than 12 hours a day. leaves the house at 9am and is sometimes back as late as midnight! He only gets Sundays off.

He doesn't get an hourly wage either. By making him "self employed" he only gets paid if he signs up customers to npower. He goes door to door and gets £40 for everyone he signs up. His target is two a day. BUT he has been working there a month and last week he sold nothing, and this week he has only sold two all week. He is making no money! and I never see him, even though we live together. I work weekends to pay for my uni costs.

I asked him the other day where he saw himself in a years time and he said still working at this job. I said that he doesn't make any money and he says that it is character and skill building!

So I said how about five years time and he said he wants to do this job forever!

Before he dropped out we had set out our life plan, graduate 2012, work and save for two/three years, start TTC 2015. I have always wanted to be a young mum and he has always supported this idea.

But now I am worried. I can't bring a child up with an almost completely absent DP. I thought he would get a 9-5 job. This job is not practical for family life! How do I make him see this.

I don't want to nag or be the one who made him quit his favourite job. I want him to make his own decision but I wish he would wake up from this dream he seems to be in!

When I was growing up my dad travelled to two or three countries a week and I never saw him, I always told myself I never wanted this for my kids.

I feel in a bit of a pickle!

You don't have a 'family life'
You are a very young couple with no children. I know you have a 'life plan' but really you need to chill the freak out. He won't want to do this job for 5 months, let alone 5 years, but it's his first job. Leave him be to find his feet. In 5 years he will be in a very different place but you nagging really isn't a good way to start out. How about having a bit of fun, having some experiences, getting some life under your belts before rushing to get married and have children?

I know someone who used to have one of these jobs and they finished door knocking at about 8 but afterwards they spent a few hours whooping at each other and yelling about how they would all be millionaires in a few years. It had a wierd cultish vibe.

Wow will you guys stop saying i'm to young. I am at university, I'm 20, I work weekends, I'm not having a baby until I'm at least 25/26. I don't think that is too young. My DP is not a no hoper, he didn't enjoy his course - computer science, he got AAB at Alevels, he is very clever. He doesn't want to go back to uni.

I think some of you have got the wrong end of the stick here!

My life plan is just a piece of paper where I have set out what I want to achieve and when I want to achieve it.

AND I NEVER SAID I WANTED HIM TO BE THE SOLE EARNER!!! When I have finished uni I am going to get a job.

Please stick to my original request - Advice on how to get my DP to get out of this sole destroying job and to make him see that he can achieve so much better!

Please stop having a go at me! :-p

They are legal and they are very careful to make sure they are. And he can't knock on any new doors after 8pm but he can do call backs, and he can travel up to an hour away from the office to sell and after selling they have sales talks and meeting in the evening. That is why he is back so late.

ilove - that is a good point. Previously the bloke was happy to go along with the OP's idea of how she wanted her life to be, but maybe it isn't what he wants?

OP - 25 is awfully young to start a family these days. Fine if it is what you both want, but perhaps your boyfriend has changed his mind?

' My life plan is just a piece of paper where I have set out what I want to achieve and when I want to achieve it.'

Pretty much sums up the whole problem I think.

I think he'd be wise to leave someone hell bent on making him fit in with her life plan.

I cross my fingers and toes my ds' do not meet such a self obsessed woman.

Alibabaandthe40nappies

What is the problem with goals?

It has nothing to do with DP. They are my own goals. HE doesn't have any goals! If he did I wouldn't have a problem!

My goals are stuff like where I want to be in my job in x many years. how much money I want to save etc.

emmyloopsylou

How can you be so harsh! I don't think I am self obsessed. I want what is best for my DP. Surely you guys can see this is not good for him! We have been living together for 14months now so it is only natural to think about the future.

I have never said I want him to fit in with my life plan. We collectively had a plan before he dropped out of uni.

There is nothing wrong with goals, I didn't say there was

But your plan to TTC in 2015 and that be the beginning of 'family life', needs his buy-in if you still want to be together.
You want to be a young mum, and he has previously been happy to go along with that idea. But that also means that he will be a young dad, and maybe he is changing his mind about that?

I think you sound incredibly focused on what you want, but you can't force someone else to follow your plan.

When I left uni I went for an interview for a sales company promising lots of income, no experience needed etc etc.
I went to the interview and they said I would shadow some of the workers that evening.

I had travelled to Leeds for the interview, for the shadowing we left Leeds on the train to a town 25mins away. When we got there we got a bus to a nereby village a proceeded to knock on peoples doors to try get them to donate to a charity! This was done between 5-9pm every night, they would then travel back to Leeds to go through the days business.

I followed them two streets, told them what I thought and left.

This "pyramid-scheme" were full of how you could be making thousands and thousands in years.

Basically all bollocks!

I assume your DPs company is something similar?

Fatimalovesbread

Yes it is very similar. He has had a lot of stick from mine and his parents about it too. They think it is a pyramid scheme but he always defends it.

Sorry you feel "got at" Broody - I think most of us feel it necessary to impart the wisdom of our years of experience and this being "mums"net we've taken on a rather "mothering" tone to our replies! FWIW I think your last post rather significant in that you have stated that he doesn't have any goals and certainly doesn't seem to be on board with yours.

Perhaps your answer lies therein - your original request was ideas to encourage him to find another job. Well, you're at uni yourself and presumably don't have a job lined up on graduation. Even if you're on a professional type course, you simply can't predict your own work-life pattern over the next five years, let alone try to prescribe his.

My own advice still stands and I see other posters have said as much - allow him to make his own mistakes and find his own way. You may feel it necessary to plan motherhood and every other life achievement. However you will probably find that your goals and life plan need to be flexible to accommodate the changes which life will throw at you so it may be as well for you to accept that he does not feel the need to have a plan in those circumstances.

Or to put it more succintly I would quote EricNorthmansMistress "chill the freak out"

This has to be a total wind up. He is 20, lots of people at 20 don't have a life plan, that is ok. Lots of people have many years at that point before making plans.

He may decide to go back to uni, who knows, you shouldn't be trying to put him in a box at his age to fit in with your ideal.

You sound so controlling, it's not healthy at your age. The future is a big huge thing at 20.

You will both grow and change, you may not even be together in 2015, and probably won't be.

broodyelle If he's prepared to put a lot of work in, and I mean a lot, he may get somewhere but it will take a long time.

There's lots about similar companies on money saving expert, I can link you to a few thread if you want. But basically work load is high and pay of very small, along the lines of £60 in 7 weeks for some

I'd be feeling the same as you tbh, there's nothing wrong with getting a low paid job and working your way up, but there has to realistically be an opportunity to acheive something

the only conclusion I can make after reading this thread is to say what utter cunts npower are.

why do people have discussions on people's threads, talking about the OP as if s/he isn't there. when it's her thread so of course she's going to read it - she initiated the discussion. it'[s like talking about someone when they're standing right there in front of you. weird - and insulting imo.

don't listen to the naysayers (sp) OP. you've asked a straightforward question and deserve straightforward answers. you're both mature it sounds to me and both committed - to life, each other, your future - you sound great tbh. maybe he's got caught up in a bit of a delboy culture without realising it.. but it'll pass when he realises it's all a bit hollow and there's no money (let alone 'millions') at the end of it; plus it's at the expense of his family life ie you and him. so he's working to provide but not realising he's neglecting your relationship. he wouldn't be the first bloke to get dazzled by the promise of good money as a reward for a lot of unconventional graft that didn't initially reap much; while leaving his OH to languish at home alone.

I think you could be the instigator of waking him up to what he's got involved in by researching this org and the links people have provided and presenting your findings to him. or, you could 'drip' your findings to him, be patient, (though not TOO patient iyswim!) and wait for him to put 2 and 2 together and realise he's been done - though he will probably feel very stupid and may not want to be exposed by you but may prefer to get there himself. you know him, so you know what would work best. over to you. good luck OP

why do people have discussions ..

which I have just done. ah well, can't be perfect.

Doorstep selling is a shitty job both in terms of how little you earn and how basically unethical it often is, but FWIW if what your boyfriend likes is choosing his own hours, being outside, talking to people etc he might do better working in market research. They pay more honestly and don't rip people off.

See, there is a fundamental flaw in your life plan - you are 20, at university (you are still very young) and you want to have a baby when you are 25 - are you going to use your degree? I know many women return to work after they have their babies, but there is nothing in your "life plan" that suggests you are even thinking about a career. Thats fine, if that is your choice but you cannot mould your BFs career to fit in with YOUR life plan. Does HE have a life plan? Because if you are not careful, and i say this kindly, you are not going to be in it at this rate.

Its good to have a plan, it really is but life just isn't like that, stuff happens and your plans go awry you have to be proactive i agree, but you have to be REactive. Someone very wise said to me once - Your life is not a result of what happens to you, but a result of how you react to it.

I'm not judging you, I did everything arse about face - DD1 at 19, single mum for a bit, met DP, went to university, got a job, went back to university to do post-grad stuff, had DD2 at 35 and haven't really worked since . I don't have any regrets, but i do rather wish i had paid a bit more attention to my career before i did the parenting, for many reasons.

I'm with the others, your DP, as you say, is blatantly not stupid, but maybe a little niave. He will soon get pissed off with his job i promise you but please don't harrangue him, he wont thank you for it. He will have only just got his own mum off his back, he doesn't need another one! All you can do is listen when he moans, maybe keep half an eye out for alternative opportunities and concentrate on your own degree and career and let him find his own way.

Broodyelle. The answer to your post imo, is recruiting. Get him to contact the Sthree group, Badenoch and Clark, all the big firms that have recruiting boot camps and recruit on volume. If he's got the ability to get behind a long term goal, the resilience to have the door slammed in his face repeatedly and to work long hours then he can probably do recruiting. Certain types of recruiting can also make you a hell of a lot of money. However, you will still probably never see him as even when he's not in the office he'll no doubt be absorbed into the laddish culture of daily drinks and company holidays. Thats sales - to be any good you have to put your all into it.

I think you need to have a think about whether your goals are compatible. Not saying your goals are wrong but I don't know many young lads that want their lives managed like this. Especially when he starts making money he'll probably want a few years of spending it on cars and watches and not nappies.

Even you, may feel differently towards the end of your degree. Don't you want to do anything outside of this 'settling down'? You say that your Dad travelled a lot when you were young and you didnt like it. Sounds like you may be trying to repair your childhood with your plan - it doesnt work like that, trust me. Don't try to mould this young chap into your dream 'daddy' before he's ready and accept that he might never be ready.

nasty grammar - too early - sorry

How about taking to him again and agreeing a set period of time where his job will be reviewed again and if he has not made and progress(could even set an amout he should earn) then he needs to start looking for another job?

"Advice on how to get my DP to get out of this sole destroying job and to make him see that he can achieve so much better!"

Short answer to that is you cannot. He currently likes it and that's what he wants to do. You cannot force or make him change.

Re life plans I know of many young people who have had similar in their early 20s and it did not at all work out the way they planned. Yours is like a tick box exercise. Life does not work to a plan, I would think that your life plan has put him right off the whole idea and he is no longer buying into it. The rot started when he dropped out of uni; I bet you were surprised/shocked he did that.

OP- You can't worry that a job that your bf has when he is 20 is 'not practical for family life!' when he doesn't have a family and even if your life plan works out he won't have a family for another 5-6 years.

I don't think 25 is young to have dcs but you are worried about trivial aspects of your daily life 5 years hence. You will drive yourself crazy if you do that.

He likes his job, probably because he is being brainwashed at the sales meetings, but you can't expect him to give it up for a better family life in 2016.

How about taking to him again and agreeing a set period of time where his job will be reviewed again and if he has not made and progress(could even set an amout he should earn) then he needs to start looking for another job?

But why? She's not his boss, nor his mum, and they don't have DCs. Why does she have the right to impose this on him?