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Original poster

Why wont they marry us???

49 replies

tstar · 04/02/2011 12:44

So 13 years later in our relationship, I move from emotion to emotion ,we have 2 wonderful children and have been together for almost 13 years but no wedding?
With a clear direction on bank balance and I pointed to type of ring I liked in the cataloge. You know just dreamin!
He proprosed to me when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with our first child we were 8 years together.
After he proprosed he mentioned it was a burden off his sholders.( he even got my dad's aprovial.)
I started looking in to weddings wanting something small a year ago, and it has all fizzled into nothing witch I am soooo embaressed by as I tolk a leap of faith and asked my best friends to be my bridesmaids. Sometimes I wish I did'nt want to get married but other times I think is it really that much to ask?

Please tell me am I asking too much?

OP posts:
FlamingoBingo · 04/02/2011 12:45

Sorry, not sure what you mean? Who is 'they' and who is 'us'?

Pancakeflipper · 04/02/2011 12:47

So the wedding you were planning last year has fizzled out? Why? Who lacked interest in it?

Sounds to me if you sorted it all out he'd turn up but doesn't actually wish to sort out a wedding. He's probably read the Bridezilla posts on here.

RealityIsKnockedUp · 04/02/2011 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RudeEnglishLady · 04/02/2011 13:03

This is purely my opinion - don't read as gospel!

You are not asking too much. I believe that marriage provides stability and legal protection for women and children. Its also proven to be very good for men - increasing their life expectancy, earning power, health etc. You might want to point that out to your DP.

My husband said marriage is stupid / old fashioned / blah blah blah. But - he agreed to marriage because, in his words, its important to me (me - not him!). BTW I didn't harangue him - just kind of put it out there. So we got married and he really loves it. He says it does feel different and makes him very proud, like he really stood up and said "we are together, we are the family ". We also had DS before we married so its not like we weren't already pretty tied up. We had the worlds smallest wedding (still lovely though) and we arent wearing rings. I did take his name though - which DH thought was great as he wasn't expecting it.

Now I'm rambling, but what I'm trying to say is, try to find out what your husband thinks a marriage and a wedding are like and what that means to him. Think about what it means to you - you are talking about bridesmaids so does that mean the wedding is important to you or, like me, are you more interested in the being married? Would you be prepared to make compromises?

Something is blocking the process and you need to talk and find out what it is. Its absolutely not unreasonable or daft to want to get married though. Good luck x

Original poster
tstar · 04/02/2011 13:04

That's weird I did'nt mention "they or us"
Anyway my partner lost intrest in wedding stuff and I lost faith I guess and did'nt want to freak him out.
I used to joked about being old and grey when we got married. I am sure I am not the only one wondering when this marrage thing will happen.
Thanx pancake I think I was on the whole I'll plan you just show thing but I don't want to drag him through it! Sometimes it's hard enough to get him to a friendly bbq.
(By the way he is a great guy who I love)
Why do I want marrige and why dosent he????

OP posts:
RealityIsKnockedUp · 04/02/2011 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glastocat · 04/02/2011 13:07

tsar, yes you did, it's in your thread title!

You need to talk to him about this, but I'd just carry on planning, lots of men aren't interested in this. My husband wasn't so I assigned him specific tasks, like picking the restaurant, and he enjoyed that.

Pancakeflipper · 04/02/2011 13:09

He probably sees a wedding as 1 day. A big faff, lots of expense, potential for fall-outs etc....

So he probably wouldn't mind marriage - just not a wedding. Would he hop quietly off to the registry office? Might not be your dream though....

My DP hates weddings. I will have to go for the registry office in his lunch break option... But he's brilliant..

ImFab · 04/02/2011 13:10

I assume the OP is asking in general about why won't they (men) marry us(women)? and she clearly thinks she has no control over this.

Original poster
tstar · 04/02/2011 13:18

Okay I'm not a crazy bidzilla, I have given him the suggestion of home wedding , family only and even let's just go do it.
Tonight I asked him What does wedding mean to you? He said well it has always ment religion (which we are not), to which I said a wedding is planned around each persons belifes/ideas and brought together. ( We then agreed. He has also in the passed told me it is because his parents divorced. and that his dad remarried 2 woman who he thinks differently off.
This makes me sad I wish it did'nt.

OP posts:
RudeEnglishLady · 04/02/2011 13:27

Sounds like this could go on ad infinitum. You need to grasp the nettle - marriage is not just down to the man to ask, say, do.

Book the town hall or wherever civil services take place where you live. Just book the date. Tell him what you have done. He can either go along with it or say no and then at least you know where you stand. Then you can decide if you can live with not being married and move on or stay put.

How did his Dad manage to marry two women? Is he in another country?

Original poster
tstar · 04/02/2011 13:30

Cheers Imfab, I did'nt relise I had even said it. You explained it the way it was ment. Thanx for clearing it up.
Just thought there must be so many woman who wonder the same, I spoke to a woman today, the first time I had ever met her and conversation started, he want's kids she wants marrige, relationship ...over.
Okay one side say's Love is enough, Love, Health and Happiness.
Why do I still get that little feeling inside that I really want to get married.
By the way to clarify If he said lets go to the office now and do it I would, but I dont know if he would.

OP posts:
glastocat · 04/02/2011 13:36

Wanting to be married is nothing to be ashamed of. If you have kids and you are not married you can be left in a very sticky legal situation. Unless you have been to the solicitor and got this all nailed down. I wanted to get married too, because IMO opinion marriage is different to co-habiting, it is not just a piece of paper ( and we're atheists). You need to talk to him about this, not pussy foot around! He has proposed, he is probably wondering what more you want him to do! Why dont you ask him if you can just book it and see what he says?

ImFab · 04/02/2011 13:36

Then you need to talk to him. I feel a tad uncomfortable about you wanting to marry a man you don't know very well.

Besom · 04/02/2011 13:38

Is he just not helping you organise it or is he actively putting barriers up?

If it's the former, as others have said, just get on with it yourself. My dh showed very little interest in the organisation of our wedding (apart from the things that interested him like the music) but that didn't worry me in the slightest.

We were together for a decade btw before we got married. Some people just take thier time about things.

Original poster
tstar · 04/02/2011 13:40

Okay his Dad RIP. Had In all married 3 woman, 2 divorces. Not all at once.

13 years later I feel Like our relationship could do with a boost. 13 years = not Bidezilla but growing weary. He said my engagment ring is a sign of comitment, I said a comitment to marry?. Why must I spell it out, (I know I cant spell)
I curse every romantic book, nursery rhyme and movie I have ever watched.

OP posts:
glastocat · 04/02/2011 13:44

I'm really not getting the problem here. What is it you want him to do? I mean, obviously an engagement ring is a commitment to marry, isn't it? Confused

RudeEnglishLady · 04/02/2011 13:49

Right - so his Dad was a serial groom not a polygamist!

You are right about the romantic stuff - it really clouds the issue. I don't see marriage as romantic really - more like a legal thing, a contract. I find it reassuring that so much legislation is taken care of... death, inheritance, splitting up all that kind of very non-romantic stuff!

Do you want the romance stuff? Do you think that a wedding will provide that? Would you consider a good holiday without the DCs enough of a boost maybe?

Kendodd · 04/02/2011 13:50

I think others are right you just need to ask him if you go down and book it all will he just show up and say "I do".

At least that way you get to choose everything Smile

slug · 04/02/2011 13:50

So, if he won't marry you, you need to sort out finances and wills. You are in a very vulnerable position financially if you don't.

A large bundle of paperwork, ensuring the house is in both your names, who to have as executors, who to have as guardians for the children, parental responsibilities, financial agreements about the joint finances....... This may focus his mind. £30 for the registrar and a quick trip to the Registry Office after work may seem a far more attractive prospect.

RudeEnglishLady · 04/02/2011 13:51

So true Slug

FakePlasticTrees · 04/02/2011 13:53

Tell him your engagement ring is only a symbol of his promise to marry you, not actually a commitment at all unless he does actually marry you.

So stop framing your conversations around "do you want to get married?" (he's already answered this by proposing) more to "what sort of wedding do you want/can we afford?"

If he doesn't want a reglious wedding, then your options are a civil wedding in the registary office or a civil wedding in a venue with a license. Next, what can you afford? Does he want to just give you a budget and then turn up on the day, does he want full involvement in the planning stages, or (this is the stance most men take) are there elements he has an opinion on/would like to be in control off? (e.g, the music, or if he's into photography does he want to pick the photographer)

From what you've said, he's never going to be excited about the idea of getting married, but may well marry you because you want to get married. That's probably the best you can get, so stop waiting for him to be excited about getting married, that's not going to happen.

Original poster
tstar · 04/02/2011 13:54

To be honest I think it is a money thing, I have said okay to office and small small dinner.(no bridesmaids) I will look into it.
What ever happened to Guy met girl, Girl met boy, Boy and Girl fell in love and got married had family.
These Days it's.... Couple meet like each other alot fall in love then moved in together decide to start family ...... now what......My Bad.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 04/02/2011 14:00

Why do you want to get married? I know it doesn't sound very romantic but can you explain your reasoning to him so he can see there's some motivation to do it other than 'religion'? i.e. legal rights in case you split up or anything happens to either of you?

Though I assume he does want to marry you, if he proposed to you? Confused It's a bit difficult to understand what his problem is, from what you've said...

Ephiny · 04/02/2011 14:02

Sorry, cross-posted - if it's about money then as long as you don't have your heart set on a big wedding, you should be able to have a quick registry office ceremony and a dinner somewhere reasonably nice (but reasonably priced!) for immediate family/close friends afterwards without spending too much.

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