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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why wont they marry us???

49 replies

tstar · 04/02/2011 12:44

So 13 years later in our relationship, I move from emotion to emotion ,we have 2 wonderful children and have been together for almost 13 years but no wedding?
With a clear direction on bank balance and I pointed to type of ring I liked in the cataloge. You know just dreamin!
He proprosed to me when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with our first child we were 8 years together.
After he proprosed he mentioned it was a burden off his sholders.( he even got my dad's aprovial.)
I started looking in to weddings wanting something small a year ago, and it has all fizzled into nothing witch I am soooo embaressed by as I tolk a leap of faith and asked my best friends to be my bridesmaids. Sometimes I wish I did'nt want to get married but other times I think is it really that much to ask?

Please tell me am I asking too much?

OP posts:

Original poster

tstar · 04/02/2011 14:12

You are so right my partner feels as though his commitment to marry is in the engagment ring. Which is sooo true.
I am talking 13 years of a solid relationship here!
Everynow and again I become a little/very emotional about this.
I was interested to hear others opinion's.
Yes a holiday would b nice, hell I will declair my love at a dinner out or even a dinner in (theirs an idea), but that just is'nt happening at the moment it's hard enough to work around school let alown ask for a babysitter.
End of week I'm tired and a little emotional. Sorry for my rambeling. Thankyou to the ladies who know where I am comming from.

OP posts:

TimeToStartACHEEKYDiet · 04/02/2011 14:12

Feck me this has blagged my head!

RudeEnglishLady · 04/02/2011 14:13

Its 2.10pm where you are (I think!)

Google the phone number for the registry office, call them - book the actual date or book an appointment to take your ID and documents in. You have then made the first step towards making your dream come true :)

Original poster

tstar · 04/02/2011 14:22

And I get it now "Why wont they marry us"
An attention grabber or even a topic starter.
Why wont they (my guy mayb yours) marry us (me, hoping I'm not on my own with this one)
?????

OP posts:

FakePlasticTrees · 04/02/2011 14:24

well, the way the thread has gone, the answer to your question is:

Because you haven't organised a wedding.

Honestly, get it done, get married. Stop waiting for him to get all over excited about it, he won't.

Original poster

tstar · 04/02/2011 14:25

thanx rude english lady, i will google.

OP posts:

RealityIsKnockedUp · 04/02/2011 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/02/2011 14:30

This thread has completely confused me.

Why did you stop the wedding planning? Just agree a date and send out some invites!

Ephiny · 04/02/2011 14:38

I'm guessing the OP felt a certain lack of enthusiasm from her partner, making her feel he might have changed his mind about the whole thing?

cat64 · 04/02/2011 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

tstar · 04/02/2011 14:52

Im sorry I have confused everyone with this I included.
I'm not really sure as one minute it is a money issue then when I say okay lets do it simple/cheap He questions the whole meaning of marrage, or brings up his dads ex's. I dont know what the hell is goin on I wish I could just get over it.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 04/02/2011 15:06

So ask him straight.

'Why did you ask me to marry you and give me this ring?'.

And see what he says.

Sharkadder · 04/02/2011 15:06

Well, nobody wants to feel like they are twisting their partner's arm down the aisle (to mix metaphors horribly).

Tstar, for what it's worth, my DH was very and vocally anti-marriage with a similar family history (plus his mother has been with her partner since DH was six and they are very happy and unmarried), which he also cited. I wanted him to be enthusiastic and excited about marrying me but he just wasn't. It did suck.

His line of argument was always 'we have the kids, that's a commitment', and 'well marriage doesn't mean anything, look at my parents'. We just talked a lot. I showed him the legal differences between married and unmatched couples (bigger then). Once I got it across that even though it maybe wasn't rational it did still matter loads to me, he accepted that and agreed to get married.

'Agreed to get married' - so not what I'd have liked, but now we are married he's actually really evangelical about it and tells people his wedding day was one of the best of his life. He was also in floods during the ceremony (I was dry-eyed!)

If you can accept he's not going to suddenly be mr wants-to-wed, I think it'll be easier for you. Presumably his good points make up for that!

Sharkadder · 04/02/2011 15:08

Differences between married and unmarried sorry, stupid auto-correct!

minipie · 04/02/2011 15:10

Sounds to me like he will be quite happy to get married if you just get on and organise something and stop questioning his feelings.

As FakePlasticTrees says, stop waiting for him to get all excited, he won't. And he wwill probably always worry about his dad's divorces etc. But he has shown he wants to marry you. So just get on and organise ssomething.

Besom · 04/02/2011 15:54

My dh was a bit like this. His mum married and divorced twice. He has three other siblings who are all in long term relationships with dc but have no plans to marry. I have a bil who has absolutely refused to marry his dp, although as far as i can see they have a very solid relationship. But it sounds as if your dp is like my dh.

Maybe do a budget so you can say to him 'it will cost this and this is how we will pay for it.' So he can't argue with you about that aspect.

GloriaSmut · 04/02/2011 17:00

I hate to sound harsh but it doesn't sound as if your dp wants to marry you. Or at least just yet. He's bought you an engagement ring and I suspect he thought this would keep you happy and the pressure off him. But once you started the planning it appears to have dawned on him that he was actually supposed to follow the engagement up with a wedding.

Don't base your whole life around getting married though because it will only put him off all the more. Certainly don't be in any hurry to marry a reluctant groom either because if he has cold feet now, they won't warm up by dragging him down the aisle.

You need a proper, realistic discussion about whether he is prepared to get married to you. Don't let him hide behind bollocks about his father's marital history because that's just an excuse. Do be prepared to put your wedding planning on hold and consider how this affects the sustainability of your relationship though.

seashore24 · 04/02/2011 17:56

I wanted to get married within a couple of years of moving in with my DH (I was 28 when I met him). He just wasn't interested in the marriage thing at all. I just let it rest and carried on the way we were. When I reached 37 I had a panic attack about being an 'Ancient Bride' and raised the subject again. It fell on deaf ears or so I thought, but just as he was about to turn 40 (he is 3 years younger than me), he romantically asked me to "choose an engagement ring" in a jewellers shop that was closing down and had a half price sale!! He's always been a bit tight on the money front! I chose a lovely ring and he hid it away and said that he would surprise me with it one day. On my 41st birthday we went for a romantic meal and he passed the ring across the table to me. He never did get down on one knee but at least he asked my father for my 'hand in marriage'. I asked my DH why he had suddenly changed his mind and decided to get married, and his romantic reply was, that he was having 'A mid-life crisis', and although some men go out and buy a sports car or run off with a younger model, he decided that he was now mature enough to make the ultimate committment. We decided on an overseas wedding and he booked the wedding package and left me to arrange all the other details. I got married in 2007, 2 weeks before my 43rd birthday, and with a husband turning 40 a month later. We married in Tobago and had a small intimate wedding with half a dozen friends and family. It was a beautiful day. I wouldn't have missed the ceremony for the world, although I will say that I don't feel any different being married than I did for the 13 years beforehand. If your DP really wants to make you happy and knows that it really means a lot to you I am sure that he will find a time and a place to surprise you with the answer you are longing to receive. Patience is a virtue and 'Rome wasn't built in a day', as they say..... Good Luck and I hope you truly get what you are waiting for!

Ephiny · 04/02/2011 18:08

I agree it doesn't sound like he wants to get married, for whatever reason.

JessinAvalon · 04/02/2011 18:14

Why all the hanging around waiting for them to present us (women) with a ring? If I was with a guy and wanted to get married, I'd ask him!

And if anyone dared ask my Dad for my 'hand'...well, I wouldn't be impressed!

OP - sounds like you need to set a date and see what his reaction is.

unfitmother · 04/02/2011 18:17

Your bad what?

LadyLapsang · 04/02/2011 19:52

Think he won't marry you because he doesn't have to, you've given him children etc. without the ring on your finger - well the one that counts, and that's not the engagement ring!

If you had held off having children until you'd got married you would have probably been married a long time ago.

Personally I wouldn't nag anyone to marry me - if they don't want to that's their choice - anyway 'sticky plaster' marriages like that are more likely to fail. But it's better to know that before you have children if marriage is important to you.

humanheart · 04/02/2011 23:18

agree with sharkadder - I think you want him to get all excited (or at least involved!) about the wedding but he is acting like it's got nothing to do with him and like he's being dragged into it. I don't agree that he doesn't want to marry you per se - I think he does but his negativity and miserable comments are popping your balloon. you say you curse all the films etc you've watched - bcs you're waiting for all that romance, for you both to get caught up in the excitement of it all. but he just sits there like victor mildrew and whinges. hardly the romantic dream. do you think he is embarrassed by all the fuss - maybe feels it's not 'manly' to get excited about a wedding..?

it certainly comes through that this is painful for you OP - and I don't think you need to explain or justify why you want to get married, you just do. do you know anybody - friends, family - who could have a word with him? let him know how important this is to you and to get his act together? would it work if you showed him this thread? (just an idea!)

i hope your ending is as lovely as sharkadder's OP - that your miserable OH finally gets what it's all about and has a wonderful day at your wedding

DuelingFanjo · 04/02/2011 23:23

at TimeToStartACHEEKYDiet

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