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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why Does He do That?

41 replies

FanellaFudge · 04/02/2011 12:04

I have just ordered this book, after coming to a realisation that my husband is emotionally abusive (I think... the book is to clarify for me).

Wondering if any has read it and if their husbands/partner have read it?

OP posts:

CrispyHedgehog · 04/02/2011 12:42

I've read it and found it very helpful and interesting.

I don't think it's a good idea to let your abuser read it as he will learn more techniques to torment you with :(

Original poster

FanellaFudge · 04/02/2011 12:47

I'm not entirely convinced he is aware of what his actions mean though. He has had counselling in the past for anger problems (stemming from his childhood) and is also in recovery after a drug addiction, for which he needs to attend NA meetings. Both counselling and NA meetings have stopped and I think he's gone off the track. I'm hoping this book will give me a better understanding and I wondered if it would him too?

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newnamethistime · 04/02/2011 12:49

No, don't give it to him to read. Seriously. Read it yourself. It is very helpful, but not designed for abusive/controlling partners to read. It would make him incredibly angry I suspect.

Original poster

FanellaFudge · 04/02/2011 12:52

Really? Should I not let him see it at all then do you think?

He doesn't want to be like this, and has taken steps to 'cure' himself, but life has got in the way of his counselling etc. He's now so far of track it's proving difficult to get him back on it. That, and the fact that I'm sick of getting the brunt of it so struggling to be supportive and understanding.

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cestlavielife · 04/02/2011 12:53

if you tell him here read this he will turn it back on you and tell you "you very stupid believing what books say."

only what he says, goes.

read it yourself, digest it and then consider next steps.

some chapters wont apply.
probably many will...

Original poster

FanellaFudge · 04/02/2011 12:55

He does accept he has an anger problem though. Does that make a difference?

I've ordered the book as a step to resolve things, not to help me decide whether or not to leave him.

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Besom · 04/02/2011 12:59

There might be other books that are better suited? Ones aimed at the person with the problem I mean.

CheerfulV · 04/02/2011 12:59

I'd caution against letting him read it or even know you have it. Why not decide to grant yourself a few months reflection time to read and then process the book? Really take it in, read multiple times, highlight stuff, think about it. You can always buy him his own copy at any point, but once you have done so that's it: you've given away your control of the situation (in terms of absorbing the wisdom in the book) to him and the point of buying it is pretty much wasted.
Don't show it to him. It's a brilliant book by the way and I hope it will help you :)

Original poster

FanellaFudge · 04/02/2011 13:02

Thank you CheerfulV. I don't really want 'control' of the situation. I just want to have a clear head about it, us both to work through it and come out the other side.

OP posts:

BendyBob · 04/02/2011 13:03

I saw on another thread it deals with silent treatment. Does it go into this area much? I've had awful problems all my life with my father and this problem and would like to read something about it.

giveitago · 04/02/2011 13:05

I've read the book. I wouldn't let your partner even know you have it - it's for you.

Many women in abusive relationships don't quite accept that they are abused just because they are in the situation and keeping body and sould together means they cannot take a step back and see the shit for what it is. This book will let you know if you are in one.

To my mind it's a self help book to highlight where you are rather than telling you how to make it all better. A book cannot make it all better. The book (for me at least) was a big fecking wake up call and although I'm still in the marriage the book did wake me up and I've been working hard - on me and making a life for me.

Hope the book arrives soon - you'll devour it one go - it's very good and a great help.

Original poster

FanellaFudge · 04/02/2011 13:08

Thank you giveitago. That's exactly what I'm hoping it will do. Clarify my situation, as you say it's very difficult to take a step back and see it for what it is when you are actually in it. Has it helped your marriage?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/02/2011 13:16

"He doesn't want to be like this"

Really?. Or is it more that YOU don't want him to be like this.

Why did he stop attending NA meetings?. He probably did not want to attend them anymore.
You cannot save someone who ultimately does not want to be helped or saved. Fanella, I do not mean this at all unkindly but you as his wife are the last person who can help him here.

The book is for you - do not let him know you have this or read any of it to him.
Lundy Bancroft's book won't resolve things for you but it may fully open your eyes as regards the abuse meted out to you by him.

Anger management is of no benefit at all to someone like your man who has deeply rooted issues from childhood. It would require highly specialised counselling from someone skilled in working with abuse and even then he may be too damaged for anything to be successful now. A few sessions would certainly not help and its probably made your life as a result more difficult.

KikiJane · 04/02/2011 13:16

this is also a good book

Original poster

FanellaFudge · 04/02/2011 15:42

He doesn't. He talks openly about it. Alot of it stems from his inability to communicate (an after effect of years of drug abuse) he bottles things up, then expodes, and then starts the cycle. I don't forgive easily, he wants things back to normal instantly, gets frustrated when they don't, blames me, we don't communicate, and so on.

He stopped attending because we relocated and he's been working alot (no excuse I know, but it's made it difficult). Same with the counselling, he had more than a few sessions, and although it did get worse at first, it eventually got better. He's just got to get back into it. We also started Relate, and were told to attend seperately, which we intended to start up again. It's been a whirlwind since we moved... he's working all hours, we have two small children and discovered just after we moved that we are expecting another.

It will take a big push to get him back into it. I need to be able to see clearly to be able to do it though.

OP posts:

NicknameTaken · 04/02/2011 17:16

Definitely read the book yourself before making any decision to let him read it. Right now, you're suggesting he can't help being like this (to some extent, circumstances being what they are etc). You might find yourself examining that belief rather more once you've digested the book.

giveitago · 04/02/2011 17:33

No OP - hasn't helped my marriage but it has helped ME ie I now see it for what it is and it's up to me to make my life better.

But, put it this way, I ordered it and had it sent to my mum's home and read it there. I would never want my 'd'h to see it.

Very much with nickname - one of the main things is that you often make excuses for dp's behaviour. Read the book.

Original poster

FanellaFudge · 04/02/2011 19:54

Okay... I will take your advice and keep it hidden.

Nothing to loose at the moment anyway!

OP posts:

Original poster

FanellaFudge · 04/02/2011 20:07

Just out of interest, the common concensus seems to be that 'abusers' can't change. Is this really true?

I've always thought if a person accepts that their behaviour is wrong, and understands why, then they are able to change.

Trouble is, at the moment (possibly because of the lack of counselling) he seems to be going back to the default "it's your fault" excuse. Which is why I need to clarify things, and hopefully be able to spell it out for him.

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portaloo · 04/02/2011 20:45

Some abusive men do change, but it's a long long road and it's quite rare. Abusing your partner has its rewards. If a man doesn't want to relinquish his abusive ways and give up the benefits he gets from being abusive, then he wont.

It's a good book, but it was the beginning of the end for me, I'm alot happier now.

loves2cycle · 04/02/2011 23:46

If the issue is more about lack of anger control than emotional abuse, there is another book which you may find helpful - Understanding Anger by Windy Dryden.

I bought Why Does He Do That and read it and found it described behaviours that were much further along the continuum of anger than my DHs problems. Our counsellor suggested this other book and it has been massively helpful. It explains how behaving in an angry way is a choice and therefore one that can be dealt with differently. It clearly places responsibility for angry behaviour on the person feeling the anger, rather than the person or event or situation 'provoking' the anger.

So if youhave a problem with blame after an outburst, this book can help as it makes clear that while everyone can feel angry and we are all entitled to feel angry, we are not entitled to take that anger out on others. We must find healthy ways of expressing our anger.

My DH also had issues stemming from childhood physical abuse and he has a much greater understanding of his anger now after Reading the Dryden book and having Relate counselling.

The Dryden book is very much for Reading together as it is aimed at helping people deal with their own anger, so is a self help book. Whereas the Bancroft book seems aimed at empowering someone in an abusive relationship understand the abuse.

Original poster

FanellaFudge · 05/02/2011 08:16

Anger control seems to be the main problem, on the face of it. This would be 'easy' for me to deal with on it's own. It's the cycle that goes on after the outbust that is the problem though. I've found myself adapting my behaviour depending on his mood. His 'jokes' are starting to blur with seriousness. The children are being effected.

Also the things that his says during an outbust are getting worse. In my mind he is projecting his own issues/insecurities onto me, however I find myself questoning myself... a seed of doubt and all that.

It;s got to the point now where I am confused... and need a bit of guidence/reassurance.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2011 08:46

"It's the cycle that goes on after the outburst that is the problem though. I've found myself adapting my behaviour depending on his mood. His 'jokes' are starting to blur with seriousness. The children are being effected".

Well that's a good reason in itself to now separate from him. Show this man that there are consequences for his actions. You and your children will all become further emotionally damaged if you stay within this relationship. Its as simple as that. Someone has to be a grown up here (it won't be him because he won't change) and actually now call time on this.

He needs far more than a few counselling sessions, I think his problems are so deeply rooted (what do you know exactly about his childhood?) that he may never be able to change. Its not yout fault he is like this, you did not make him this way.

Counselling too is hard work, he backed out at the first sign of it getting too tough for him. He has to want to go back into counselling for his own self and not because you want him to.

giveitago · 05/02/2011 08:47

In Bancroft's book it describes types of abuser - and you may well see your dh in either one or a few of the different types.

The fact that you adapt your behaviour to avoid an outburst means you are being controlled.

Original poster

FanellaFudge · 05/02/2011 09:45

giveitago - it's exactly that realisation that has made me see I need to start taking action.

Attila - Seperating at this stage is not an option. We are both aware of the problems, I'm not putting a happy face on at all.

He had a tough time at school (undiagnosed dysliexia). His father was an acholic and violent, and left when he was about 10. He is also a recovering drug addict.

The counselling I can completley understand. It was tough trying to find one in the first place, and now he has to start that process again. He's working 7am-7pm 6 days a week at the moment. We should have made it our number 1 prority when we moved, but we didn't, and the longer it takes the harder it becomes to get 'back into it'.

OP posts:

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