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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why Does He do That?

41 replies

FanellaFudge · 04/02/2011 12:04

I have just ordered this book, after coming to a realisation that my husband is emotionally abusive (I think... the book is to clarify for me).

Wondering if any has read it and if their husbands/partner have read it?

OP posts:
pickgo · 05/02/2011 10:53

Well done FF for facing up to it. I've only done so since I left and now realise I could have spared myself and my Dcs so much misery and confusion if I'd only thought a bit more clearly about what was going on. The book should help you do that and being on here.

Keep this book as a bit of private space that is just for you. See it as something you are doing just for you at the moment.

My advice.... listen, really listen to all those little warning voices that you hear deep down and usually ignore. And have the courage to act.

You sound such a nice person, fair and sensible. But make sure you extend those qualities to taking care of yourself and your children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/02/2011 11:30

Attila - Seperating at this stage is not an option. We are both aware of the problems, I'm not putting a happy face on at all.

Would it ever become an option?.

Is he truly wanting to face up his issues and past?. With a 12 hour working day as well there is no life for you as a family either. Surely he can, and actually needs to make time for resuming counselling or does he at heart not see it as a priority?.

"He had a tough time at school (undiagnosed dysliexia). His father was an acholic and violent, and left when he was about 10. He is also a recovering drug addict"

He is still carrying all that crap from his disturbed childhood around with him but is now transferring all that onto you and by turn your children. I feel for them the most in all this as they are truly innocents.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

newnamethistime · 05/02/2011 11:38

FF - therapy can work if the partner is prepared to accept responsibility.
H has told me that originally he started to get me off his back, but after a few sessions he decided he had nothing to loose by committing to the process. He now says that it has saved his life.
It's a very very long process.
We're up to over a year and a half now of weekly therapy sessions for both of us separately (you can estimate how much that costs - we're not in the UK).
You might think you don't need therapy - but I would suggest you do as you have admitted that you are prepared to put up with an abusive partner (but at the same time hoping that he will change - hope is a really useless emotion when it comes to abuse).
You are still also in the place that many of us recognise - the one where you are buying into all the excuses your partner has for bahaving badly (addiction. family upbringing etc).
The starting point has to be that abusive bahaviour is not acceptable at all.

FanellaFudge · 05/02/2011 16:34

pickgo - thank you for that post Smile

Attila - It would be an option, once I know I have given it a fair shot. We have been through far worse, and I need to give it a chance. I have been quite clear with him that we will seperate if the abuse continues. He is working 12 hour days for us, me and the children, he is building a business in the town I want to live in and bring the children up in. It also enables me to be at home with the children. He does see the counselling as a priority, but at the moment he is under enormous pressure with re-locating, new business and new baby on the way. It's a hard time anyway, and why counselling should be even more of a priority, but he's just buried his head in the sand, I think.

What am I getting out of the relationship now? At this moment, honestly, nothing. Security perhaps, but I know what I can get out of it, we have come out the other side before, and it's a good place to be Smile

newname - agree completely. Counselling needs to be a priority, for us both. We just need to get there...

OP posts:
JessinAvalon · 05/02/2011 17:51

I haven't read all of the thread so apologies if someone has already mentioned this but I would highly recommend Patricia Evans' "The Verbally Abusive Relationship". It was the one book that I read that made me realise what I'd been dealing with and it gives tips on dealing with verbal (and emotional abuse).

I've been done there, done it, bought the t-shirt and got out. Mine was too far gone, even at a fairly young age, to sort himself out sadly.

Good luck.

Oh, my eyes just flicked up to the previous post - whatever you do, do not go for counselling together!! That is an absolute must. It's not YOUR problem that he's being abusive - it's HIS and joint counselling will focus on how you can both work on your problems. This is his problem to work through and you cannot take responsibility for the fact that a man is choosing to abuse you.

Got to go but please read Patricia Evans. It's a very helpful book.

FanellaFudge · 05/02/2011 21:08

Thank you for the recommendation Jessin - will have a look. Counselling will definately be seperate - we tried Relate before and were told we'd need to attend seperatly.

OP posts:
ItsGraceAgain · 05/02/2011 21:37

I'm only supporting what others have said here, FF. Bancroft came to write the book as a result of his work as an anger-management facilitator for abusive men. That work taught him the men were not helpless victims of their own anger. When you read it, you'll learn what he learned. He doesn't prescribe any particular course of action.

In "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", Patricia Evans says that she's seen some men resolve their issues and stop being abusive - indeed, her Freedom Programme offers courses for abusive men. Bear in mind, though, that she says a very small proportion of men really do want to change and do the work required (in context, she says she's never seen a female abuser change.)

Your partner's drug abuse is probably an effect of his deep-seated issues from childhood - not a cause of his anger, just another symptom of it. As Atilla told you, the only way through this and out the other side is via serious therapy, and plenty of it. It would take years - more than five, up to twenty - of regular, committed psychotherapy. And he'll probably get worse before he starts getting better, IF he sticks with it.

Read the Bancroft book. Don't share it. Use it as a source of expert information on a syndrome, then see what you think.

Well done for getting this far. Good luck!

FanellaFudge · 06/02/2011 13:20

Thanks ItsGrace - we chatted briefly last night. He said he knows counselling needs to be a priority, as do his meetings. I believe he does know the importance and is no way trying to fob me off. He has a good heart, he just needs to keep on top of his demons, and , eventually, fight them off for good. At the moment he is putting part blame on me for the problems in our relationship, but I have said that other problems cannot be addressed until he sorts the anger problem. I know that the other problems will eventually melt away once he starts getting help, they are all a bi-product of his abuse - he can't see that yet though so it's pointless me drumming that point home at the moment, we just need to get therapy sorted.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 06/02/2011 23:20

"The children are being effected."

in what way? seeing anger? does it get directed at them?

"He's working 7am-7pm 6 days a week " is he out the house all that time? so the DC only see him one day per week?

or he works from home and vents on you/them?

"we just need to get therapy sorted." hard to see how with that time schedule - unless he gives himself a lunch hour?

you cannot hold onto therapy tho as "the" solution - as grace said, therapy is a long term thing and "he'll probably get worse before he starts getting better"

in the meantime it will be him out working etc all hours and you at home with 2 dc and a newborn... with little support, presumably. or do you have lots of RL practical help?

just on a practical level, it sounds a hard prospect - throw in some verbal abuse and other issues and it is hell - i was there...

ItsGraceAgain · 06/02/2011 23:32

he just needs to keep on top of his demons, and, eventually, fight them off for good

This is claptrap, I'm afraid. It's not about demons. It's about a profoundly unhappy world view; a state of mind that's incompatible with healthy, happy living. There are no demons to be fought, unless you somehow think that fighting yourself is the road to peaceful self-awareness. Therapy, for damaged personalities like mine (and more so, by the sound of your DH), is an arduous process of shining a light on the ugliness and learning to understand it. It has NOTHING to do with fighting, getting on top of, or killing anything. The opposite, in fact. This is why it gets worse before it starts to get better.

I appreciate that your DH might understand this, if he went to enough of his meetings and they were good enough. I don't think you do, though.

How about seeking some qualified advice before renewing your commitment to HIS recovery?

portaloo · 08/02/2011 20:41

I think the Lundy Bancroft book is going to make alot of sense to you OP.

Does your DH behave the same towards anyone else, workmates/DC/inlaws as he does to you when he feels stressed?

Do you believe his anger issues are something he can learn to control through therapy?

I'm just trying to get a clearer picture of what you see happening here.

FanellaFudge · 10/02/2011 10:41

ItsGrace - You've highlighted that I am completely out of my depth here.

portaloo - Got the book yesterday and read the first chapter. Already it is ringing bells!
He does behave similar when stressed - particulary workmates and DC. He's never really been in a stressed situation when with the inlaws.
I do believe he can learn to control it. He has done in the past after therapy.

I see one of two things happening...

  1. He gets the help he needs, and continues it for as long as needed (possibly forever in some form). He needs to dedicate time to NA meetings, and step work. He needs specialised therapy. We need couple counselling, seperatly. He needs to give me time to heal from the damage and hurt he had caused. I think with these tools we can overcome all our problems and be very happy.
  2. He does nothing, and I leave.

Number 2) is looking like the most likely at the moment. I made clear my position (get help or I'm off). I'm not going to keep nagging, it's up to him now.

I have no problem in packing up and leaving, if that's the only option. Which it wil lbe if things don't change. This isn't the life I signed up for, and it's certainly not the life I want for my DC's.

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 10/02/2011 12:33

Good for you, Fanella.

ItsGraceAgain · 10/02/2011 12:41

Well done, FF. It's very hard to shift your perspective on stuff as fundamental as your primary relationship. You've done a fantastic thing!

Keep that clarity. Good luck!

FanellaFudge · 10/02/2011 13:01

Thank you.

Horrible atmosphere at the moment. Feels like the calm before the storm!

OP posts:
NicknameTaken · 10/02/2011 13:06

The only way out is through. You're doing well not to retreat and bury your head in the sand - the temptation is always there.

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