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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He doesn't actually give a crap, does he? (poss a bit tmi in the first bit)

48 replies

ratsasssss · 03/02/2011 21:55

Last night dh hurt me, physically I mean. Prob didn't mean to, we were (ahem) messing about, but nevertheless he was being a bit too rough and despite me asking him to slow down he only would for a few seconds then back up again. Soon put a complete halt on it, not a complete pushover.
Anyway, told him straight away I was NOT impressed. Nothing. No apology, no explanation, just stonewalled me, not for the first time I might add.
Did not want a row in case children woke so went to bed (on own)
This morning both of us quiet, monosyballic, no confrontation though due to children and need to do usual morning stuff and get out of door.
He rang me mid afternoon, am I alright, no I flaming well am not, why, well why do you think (you twat), can't talk about it now, he is in the office and I am with the children.
Home he comes, puts children to bed and sit down together, I am waiting for my apology. It does not come. In the end I tell him I am not happy AT ALL and I finally get crappy apology, mutters sorry almost under his breath looking at shoes like errant toddler. Not good enough. Not the first time he has let me down like this, although it is the first time he has hurt me physically.
He doesn't give a fig does he?
Apols for crappy English, am on phone.

OP posts:

HerBeX · 03/02/2011 21:57

Doesn't sound like it.

I think you need to say to him that you want to talk properly about this, tht this is a fucking major deal and you want HIM to talk about it, not sit there like a sulky teenager.

What do you want from him?

Original poster

ratsasssss · 03/02/2011 22:05

Told him that if he hurts me physically again he is out. If the stonewalling continues I will be putting serious thought into our future. What do I want? Don't know. Part of the reason for posting is to.figure that out.

OP posts:

lint · 03/02/2011 22:06

Men are rubbish at communicating. Why can't they just say whats going on in their head so we know where we are? You seem strong and did right to go to bed on your own. If it happens again kick him out.

HerBeX · 03/02/2011 22:06

How communicative is he usually?

HerBeX · 03/02/2011 22:07

Men aren't rubbish at communicating.

Men who don't want to communicate, are rubbish at communicating. Men who want to, are good at it.

yogididabooboo · 03/02/2011 22:10

Was it rough sex that got too rough?

I can understand maybe he hadn't realised he had hurt you at first but once he was made aware of the fact he had then he should have apologised.

You are right to pull him up on it. but give him the chance to make it up to you.

robberbutton · 03/02/2011 22:10

He's prob feeling really bad, embarrassed, guilty, and a bit shocked at what he was capable of. That's NOT to excuse him, of course, but if he's not very mature I don't think he'll be able to give you what you need (ie a heartfelt apology) while he feels like this. My H was always crap at saying sorry, never got one until I told him he had to say it :( Not quite sure what you do about it, sorry!

HerBeX · 03/02/2011 22:12

I would ask him how he feels about it, what went wrong.

Don't let him bury it. It hs to be thrashed out, it's not acceptable to not acknowledge such a serious breach of trust.

lint · 03/02/2011 22:16

HerBex - "Men who don't want to communicate, are rubbish at communicating. Men who want to, are good at it." I love this comment, but I have NEVER met a man who wanted to, perhaps they just don't want to communicate with me!
I agree with robberbutton, he's probably really embarased and doesnt know how to put it right. Lay down the rules and give him something to work to.

Original poster

ratsasssss · 03/02/2011 22:17

Communication increasingly worse over time. We can get on well for weeks, months even, as long as there's no falling out. When there is, he retreats in on himself or even turns a bit nasty. Horrible atmosphere for a while. I am increasingly finding myself tiptoeing round him in order to avoid. I refuse to live like that any more.

OP posts:

HerBeX · 03/02/2011 22:21

LOL lint, how do you converse?

I think this men are from mars, must go to caves etc. is a way to shut women the fuck up when we want to talk like adults. And it shouldn't be accepted. This guy has done something wrong and he's used a stonewalling technique to not acknowledge it. That is a really bad thing to do and shouldn't be allowed to pass.

But sitting there talking at him won't help. He needs to talk. Honestly. If I were you OP, I would want to know it won't happen again, not because he's scared of the consequences, but because he loves and respects me and doesn't want to hurt me. That should be enough of an incentive.

Mymblesson · 03/02/2011 22:21

Men are rubbish at communicating.

All women are ruled by their hormones and are over-emotional.

Well?

Original poster

ratsasssss · 03/02/2011 22:24

Sorry. V slow typing on phone

Yes prob embarrassed but imo no excuse for ignoring my obvious upset

OP posts:

TrinityMotherOfRhinos · 03/02/2011 22:24

Have you actually outright asked him what came over him or why he did what he did last night?

does he FULLY understand what you are upset about

in the throes could he have thought you were teasing him by saying no at first?

how long have you been with him

I do think that you need to be vocal and very clear in discussions NOW

no huffing or monosyllabic crap

you need to clearly and openly tell him what he did wrong and sk him wtf is going on

and depending on his aswer move on from there

HerBeX · 03/02/2011 22:24

ratassss tht sounds worse actually. The way he is behaving, is to try and get away with bad behaviour without you calling him on it. That's a well known abuser technique. I'm not saying he's an abuser, before anyone jumps up and down, but he is using a very effective and popular (with abusers) technique which is working - it's getting you to tread on eggshells to avoid a confrontation that needs to happen for the health of the relationship. That is really not on.

You really need to talk about this, possibly with a third party.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2011 22:24

What you are saying is...as long as you don't rock the boat, he communicates perfectly well

But if you wish to discuss your dis-satisfaction with something he shuts right down

How is that fair ?

How is that an equal relationship ?

How does that communicate any respect for you at all ?

Original poster

ratsasssss · 03/02/2011 22:36

Not rough sex, no. Doing something I usually like but too hard, too fast. First time I said slow down. Second time you are hurting me. Third time told him to stop. He did.
I.will ask him to.explain, but will have to be tomorrow now.
He says he loves me but shows me little respect. Fuck knows why I've put up with it. Don't want to upset the status quo i suppose.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/02/2011 22:41

and the status quo is something that makes you happy ?

Original poster

ratsasssss · 03/02/2011 22:42

I also believe that the men are from mars women are from Venus thing is bullshit of the highest order. Had a counsellor once who said he couldn't help being a man. Bollocks.
So why tf do I put up with it? Because most of the time it's fine? Because of dc's? I wish I knew.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/02/2011 22:45

we can't tell you, love

you have to work it out for yourself

btw, that counsellor was crap

a stonewalling fuckhead who winds you up is a stonewalling fuckhead if he/she is from fucking Uranus

lint · 03/02/2011 22:46

HerBex, you are right. I find it difficult to communicate properly with a lot of men, I think they're mostly big kids really. My husband of 35 years sulks and doesnt say much when he's feeling bad about something (although he's intelligent and caring) and I think the OP's husband is the same. Even when confronted its very hard to get someone like this to discuss anything rationally and effectively. It isn't a lack of respect but an inability to express their emotions and some men just cannot do it.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2011 22:47

some men don't want to and don't need to because women make excuses for them by effectively excusing unacceptable behaviour by dint of their male sex

Original poster

ratsasssss · 03/02/2011 22:50

Been together 11 years.
Have had counselling before, lots changed but outbreaks of shitty behaviour still cropping up.
Counsellor a bit shit (see above) but was free to us.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/02/2011 22:57

Lots changed ?

But not enough ?

Who changed ? you or him ?

lint · 03/02/2011 22:57

AnyFucker, I think that the OP needs to firmly establish she will not put up with her husbands unacceptable behaviour if he won't discuss it, there's not much else she can do at this stage unless she decides to kick him out. If he won't talk, she'll have to do it for him.

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