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Original poster

I'm in danger of ruining any chance of a surprise engagement!!!!

31 replies

broodyelle · 03/02/2011 15:22

Hello mumsnetters,

As you can tell from my user name I'm very broody! I have been for years. I have been living with DP since Nov 09. He knows how broody I am and a few months ago we had a major discussion about it. DP isn't ready for a baby so I suggested we thought about looking at marriage. I have this idea that marriage will be a good transition for him, he seemed happy with that idea but said he wanted to get the proposal right as I have always wanted a romantic surprise proposal.

So I have now been waiting for this "surprise" proposal for three months and am worried he is never going to ask!!! During these three months he has taken me on lots of fancy dates, posh restaurants, and we had an anniversary (all of this is uncommon for us), all perfect proposal dates. It is valentines day soon and he is planning something and I really want him to propose! I am getting quite disappointed every time he doesn't but if I mention it to him it could ruin the surprise!

Before the discussion I spent all my time looking at baby related things, I now spend all my time looking at wedding stuff, I even mention what I have seen sometimes but it is like talking to a brick wall!

Hep me keep my sanity (what is left of it)! what should I do! All advice welcome!

OP posts:
Blu · 03/02/2011 15:26

Never mind surprise engagement, you're in danger of ruining your relationship.

Stop focusing on a fantasy dream life and talk sensibly to your dp. And don't expect to be able to manouevre him into marriage and babies unless he actually wants to do that.

If you are very serious about you priorities, have this discussion with him and then decide if you want to be with HIM, or want a child. You may have to come to terms with the fact that he isn't actually the long term partner and co-parent you need.

Expect a nice romantic surprise on Valentine's Day but what if it isn't actually a proposal he is planning?

CMOTdibbler · 03/02/2011 15:27

You sound a bit full on tbh. How about a chat with him as to whether he actually wants to get married, and if so, what sort of wedding he'd like. I think if I was him I'd worry i wouldn't make it a 'perfect proposal', as you seem to be planning everything

EricNorthmansMistress · 03/02/2011 15:29

Get a hobby. Obsessing about weddings when you aren't engaged......OTT and odd

Also - be a grown up and discuss your future with your DP like a grown up. You want marriage and children - so discuss it with him. What's his ideal timescale? What does he want to achieve before DCs? Will you need to save up for maternity leave/wedding etc? How much will you need to save and for how long?

Romantic proposals are outdated and naffola.

Original poster
broodyelle · 03/02/2011 15:43

I have always been a planner. I guess I am finding it very hard to let him plan this one.

I planned buying our flat, I planned furnishing it, I plan maintaining it. I like planning!

Blu I am not in danger of ruining my relationship. I love my DP and he loves me. We tell each other everything and have no secrets which is why I am finding this particularly hard!

CMOTdibbler what do you mean by full on?

We talked about what wedding we wanted during the discussion. Nothing fancy, just close family and friends somewhere that has significance to our relationship. I don't want to spend too much money on one day, the important thing is the marriage not the wedding day.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 03/02/2011 15:52

"I now spend all my time looking at wedding stuff, I even mention what I have seen sometimes but it is like talking to a brick wall!"

You're obsessing. I would imagine by now he's quite freaked out by the whole thing. Poor chap, the pressure! He knows you want a romantic proposal - so the pressure is on to provide that - and before he's even cracked that one you are planning the wedding! No wonder you are hitting a brick wall. It's all going waaaay too fast for him. The discussion you had was in general, now you are racing to the specifics, he hasn't even proposed yet.

Marriage isn't something you enter into as a "transition" stage to soften him up for babies.

toomanystuffedbears · 03/02/2011 15:54

Why don't you propose to him? That'd be a surprise and you'd be in control. Win/win.

Flossish · 03/02/2011 15:55

"I now spend all my time looking at wedding stuff, I even mention what I have seen sometimes but it is like talking to a brick wall!"

Don't for a minute think it will be much different once you do actually get engaged!

purplepidjin · 03/02/2011 15:56

broodyelle, I'm in a fairly similar situation and went through a phase like this. DP and I met in Dec 09, moved in together the following March (circumstance rushed a decision we'd already made - we would have taken longer if we could, but it has been wonderful and still is) and we found the ring in April - which he then ordered in the right size off t'interwebz.

I went through a couple of months of wearing the ring overnight, searching for perfect dresses etc online and showing him, did a budget for the wedding... It was thoroughly boring for the poor guy and put him under a stupid amount of pressure. I have had to physically force myself to accept that it will happen in it's own time.

DP loves me and wants to get married and have kids. He also loves me and wants it to be perfect for me.

I have distracted myself somewhat by organising a birthday surprise for him (birthday this weekend).

I have booked the weekend as holiday - I work shifts - arranged to have lunch and spend the afternoon/evening with some very good friends of his who live far away, at a restaurant he is keen to try which is near them, then booked a 4* B&B a few miles away. We will be stopping off to see his family on the way home the next day. He knows about none of it, even the time off work Grin

The fun of planning all this intrigue in secret, and the excitement of having to keep such a big secret from him, are a brilliant distraction and a really nice thing to be able to do for him. I am debating whether to write directions to the restaurant and then hotel in little notelets and get him to open them in a certain order so as to keep our destinations a surprise for as long as possible...

SoupDragon · 03/02/2011 15:56

Dear god, I'm surprised the poor man hasn't run a mile under all the pressure. He can probably see his entire life mapped out in front of him. By you. He knows he is expected to propose to you and he is expected to do it to meet your standards. He then knows that you will be expecting him to agree to start a family once you don't have the wedding to focus on.

Relax and enjoy life FFS! :o

bubblewrapped · 03/02/2011 15:56

Do you not think you might be a bit of a control freak love?

bubblewrapped · 03/02/2011 15:58

I went through a couple of months of wearing the ring overnight

eh?? Confused

cantspel · 03/02/2011 16:00

It is hardly a surprise if you are waiting for it to happen.

Give the bloke a break and ease up or you will have him running for the hills not down the aisle.

HelenaRose · 03/02/2011 16:02

Sounds like a lot of pressure on him... However, I do empathise. I am the planner and the dreamer in the relationship whereas my partner is the day-to-day practical one. I'm googling shiny fancy rings and dresses and he's the one putting the washing on and being useful. Blush

You aren't going to get a surprise engagement because you've asked him to ask you. It's playing on your mind and will carry on doing so every time you go out for special meals, etc. Does it have to be a big thing? Hasn't he already committed to you by agreeing to get married? (Actually, has he? I was a bit unclear on that.)

I found it a lot easier to stop stressing about proposal (which I realise I had conflated with commitment in my mind) when he reassured me that he does want to be with me, to marry me, to have kids with me, etc. and gave me a few guidances on time. So we'll get married after I graduate, save up money for a few years, go travelling a bit, and start trying for kids before I'm thirty. Now that I feel reassured that he pictures his future with me I'm not so anxious for shiny bit of jewellery on my hand.

Why do you want him to propose? (i.e. because it'll show he's committed, etc.)

stewmaker · 03/02/2011 16:04

don't feel bad!! I was the same, you can't help it.

Anyhoo, I got so impatient I decided that he was never going to propose and I had somehow 'tricked' him into being with me but that it wasn't what I wanted. Refused to see him and everything Shock

2 weeks later he took me to oxford for a birthday weekend and proposed Smile.

Give the guy a chance to save up the pennies and choose a ring and plan the event. None should be done in a hurry, and he might be gutted if you ruin it for him.

In my case, DH wanted everything to be perfect and I nearly spoiled it all by being impatient. It was important to him that it was done on his terms.

And looking back i'm glad because I know that he actually WANTED to marry me.

It sounds like he is making a real effort to me, so no snooping for rings!!!! easier said than done I know!

HelenaRose · 03/02/2011 16:04

ETA: And, since I'm more reassured and relaxed about our relationship and his commitment to me, I've stopped thinking about engagement and marriage. I'm just happy to be with him.

piratecat · 03/02/2011 16:08

well with feb 14th on the way you don't have to wait long. don't mess it up for him for god's sake.

poor bloke.

Sarsaparilllla · 03/02/2011 16:08

I think you're being a bit daft tbh, it'll never be a surprise proposal because you've spoken about it Confused

Stop being silly, if you want to get married and you've spoken about it talk to him and ask if you can set a date, I don't really get how it can be any kind of surprise if you've spoken about it already.

If you agree the 'important thing is the marriage not the wedding day' then why are you spending all your time looking at wedding stuff? Hmm

QuintessentialShadows · 03/02/2011 16:09
Confused For appearing to be such a control freak, I am not surprised you are going spare with the idea that you have to follow HIS pace.

When you have children, you will understand that sometimes children display bad behaviour because they like the attention. ANY attention is good attention.

Is this the first time something has been up to your boyfriend? I bet he relish this tiny bit of control. I suspect he will keep this going a while, to teach you a few things. Wink Such as patience, and that you dont get to decide everything, even if you like to think so.

KikiJane · 03/02/2011 16:57

You sound like a crazy, OP.

hairyfairylights · 03/02/2011 17:40

You sound very immature. I think you are trying
to force all kinds of things here ... If he wants to marry you, he will ask you.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/02/2011 17:49

you sound like my friend - about 10yrs ago she was meant to go away for weekend with her to paris then oh,both were ill and didnt go

he then said later, he was going to propose on top of the eifle tower

obv my friend was gutted and then every 'special day' ie birthday/xmas/valentines/nye etc she hoped he would and didnt for about 18mths

he finally popped the question one 'normal' weekend which really was a surprise and now been married about 6yrs

basically your oh will ask you as and when he is ready

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/02/2011 17:50

OP... Don't think that he CAN'T call the whole thing off just because he loves you. A relationship is a two-way street and if he decides that you want different things (because of your impatience), you could find yourself having to start again.

Why not just enjoy the surprises? Have a little bit of mystique and keep your man guessing a bit. I've never known any man who truly prefers being chased to doing the chasing... relax!

mum295 · 03/02/2011 17:53

FWIW, I guessed my now-DH was going to propose because on the day he did so, he hardly spoke to me and was clearly bricking himself. We had talked about it in the previous months, agreed it was something we'd like to do, and he'd asked me about what kind of ring I'd like.

But unbeknown to me, he'd gone and got a ring and had planned it all whilst we were on a trip overseas.

Even though I guessed it was going to be that day, I still didn't know how or when he was going to do it, and it was still very romantic and memorable. Even when the ring was (completely) the wrong size...bless him!

Do you think that on some of the recent dates he might have been planning to pop the question but was too nervous?

Don't forget that the wedding is just one day. One of the most memorable days of your life, but just ONE day. It's the marriage that matters.

ImFab · 03/02/2011 18:22

My advice is to stop waiting.

DH and I looked at rings and somehow I ended up in the shop trying one on. Not happy he wouldn't buy it. Very clued up assistant slipped him the ring details without me knowing. Twice I rang him from work and he wasn't where he was meant to be. I found an envelope hidden in a funny place but didn't look in it.

In between these times I had asked him if we needed to be alone at the end of the pier in our special place, he said no Sad. There were other examples similar Blush.

One morning I was moaning about how it was easier in the week not to think about it but not at weekends at which point her proposed. I didn't really believe him and asked him what he had said. He said it again so I said he had to get down on one knee. He did Shock and asked me again. I said yes Grin.

I really really wish I wasn't moaning when he proposed.

My advice, stop thinking about it, stop waiting and hoping. Enjoy being with him and see what life brings.

Do you know for sure he wants to get married?

I asked DH on our first date if he wanted to get married Grin. I said he didn't have to marry me but I didn't want to spend

ImFab · 03/02/2011 18:27

another 2 years with someone who didn't want marriage and babies.