Please help - emotional wreck

[shiningstar7]

Please help me gain some perspective in my life. I am 35 and have been with dp for 17 years (married for 7). We have a dc and dd aged 10 and 12. I work full time and long hours as a lecturer and hold a management role and dh also works full time. Sometimes he works away (although not for huge amounts of time) but he does then get lots off in between and he very much enjoys being at home and does a lot around the house.

I love my job and up until a couple of years ago, thrived on my busy lifestyle. Dh and I have had our ups and downs but worked through things. However, for many months I have felt increasingly uphappy despite having the good husband, children, nice home and fulfilling job. I know this makes me sound like a selfish cow so feel free to tell me to pull myself together, but normally, I am such a together person. I think it stemmed from an uneasy feeling a while back that things weren?t right between me and dh. Nothing specific happened, but I just very gradually started feeling that things weren?t ?right? between us. I put it down to many different things ? two years ago, I lost my best friend in a tragic accident and this really shook me up and made me weigh up my life. My job involves a lot of responsibility and extra learning and I think this has changed me a lot. I enjoy my own company so much more than I ever did and feel like I just don?t slot into my family any more.

I also developed an attraction for somebody else a few months back. Nothing happened, but this has never ever happened to me before and it shook me to the core. I know we all fancy people, but this attraction (which could have gone further) was an emotional one that made me question all of my (normally wise) morals and principles.

To cut a long story short (as this has gone on for several months) dh have now pretty much hit rock bottom. He knows I am having these problems and is desperate to keep us together. We are actually very good friends and we have talked a lot, but he is obviously very sad and feels helpless about everything. I have had some counselling, which helped a bit, but, I actually found it quite scary and overwhelming to face the fact that my life/marriage as it is may not actually be forever. I have been to the doctor who does not think that I am depressed (and I don?t either).

My concern now is that I am starting to really feel the effect of all this ? I keep falling asleep in the early evening (I do sleep well at night) and I cry daily. I feel like an emotional wreck and can?t gain a perspective on what to do. I feel guilty that I am putting dh through this yet can?t ?pretend? to feel right. I feel so bloody guilty about my children ? they must sense how I am now ? but also, if dh and I split, they would have to go through all of that. I desperately feel that I need time alone, but how selfish is that? I am wondering if this is some sort of early mid- life crisis ? seriously ? and wonder if I made a firm decision to split that I would regret it in the future? Has anyone gone through this kind of emotional turmoil before for no apparent reason? Have I just fallen out of love with my husband? What can I do to get myself back on track emotionally to actually deal with all of this?

I think you may be still grieving and as a result depressed. Your marriage sounds like it's really worth saving..
I am not an expert on these things but would you consider a holiday/weekend away with your husband? (know it would be tricky to organise with your job, etc.)Remember you loved your husband once it can come back.The 'attraction' you've developed is just a distraction, hell knows what damage that would cause if you let it !
Best of luck.

Have a think about the tinny of everything. When did you start to feel so dissatisfied with your DH? Was it before or after you started getting close to the OM? what happened with that relationship- exactly how far did it go, how did it end?

Whenwillifeelnormal might be along to explain this better, but affairs, even purely emotional ones, colour and distort the primary relationship. You might think that because you were attracted to someone else it means your relationship with DH must be bad/unhappy. That's not always the case- people in good marriages have affairs because they have pulled back. You will detach/start detaching when you stop investing, stop giving to a relationship.

I hope that makes some kind of sense. From what you've said, there's nothing really wrong- you just need to start putting asuch time and energy into your H as you once did. Surely rediscovering your live for him would be preferable to bringing such devastation to his and your children's lives?

D'oh, I meant timing , darn iPhone.

Bloody hell, as much and love . Sorry

Robberbutton is entirely correct, but strangely, when I first started reading your OP and seeing the lines about appearing to have everything, but feeling that something wasn't "quite right" it occurred that this often mirrors the feelings a person has when their spouse has made a secret connection to someone else. If your H is helping you and trying to resolve this with you, that doesn't sound very likely, but could that be a possibility?

There are other hypotheses however in what you say. Losing your friend will have caused you to confront your mortality and people often have resultant feelings of "Is this it?". It is significant that affairs often happen after the deaths of parents or loved ones, either because it forces someone to take responsibility and grow up, or because the grief is unresolved and the affair is an escape from the pain and loss - a form of anaesthetic.

I'm interested that the counselling didn't really help; that could be either the wrong counsellor or your unreadiness to submit to the process. It might be worth trying someone else, especially someone who has experience helping people with mid-life reckonings, brought about by bereavement and the ageing process.

The OM sounds like it is a crush that jolted you into feeling alive at a time when you were feeling not very much at all, apart from a kind of deadness and listlessness. I notice you mention you sleep in the day, which is another sign that you are trying to "escape" from life.

Had you been in a better place, I suspect this OM wouldn't have had the power to jolt you so forcibly. Your reaction has surprised you, but it shouldn't, because going from a flatline to an artificial high of a new love interest, will always have a more powerful effect than when one is healthy and happy.

A doctor can only detect depression based on what a patient says. I wonder whether you were as honest about your symptoms as you have been with us here, because some of them do sound like depression? It could be that you don't want to be labelled as depressed, especially as I get the sense you have prided yourself on being a competent, together sort of woman. Perhaps you need to give yourself permission to be depressed before it can be diagnosed?

It's not clear whether this crush has petered out, but pursuing it would be disastrous for both you and your marriage. It would be more helpful to see it in its proper context - a wake-up call that there are unresolved issues about your mental health and feelings of loss and yearning, but not connected to the man himself or even your H and marriage. This OM might be more about you than anything, or anyone else.

Phew! Hooray for WWIFN :)

Thank you robberbutton and whenwillifeelnormal.

Strangely enough, dh has made some friendships over the last couple of years through his work (although I have no qualms that anything has happened that shouldn't have) and I do remember a distinct feeling that we had grown apart. BUT - I do have to admit this was probably mostly on my part as I have been so engrossed in work and other things. I guess I did put him last in the list. In fact, this was something picked up in counselling - that I didn't prioritise my husband as first on the 'list', although he certainly wasn't far down! I guess my concern though is why I have underinvested - we did meet so young and do have very different opinions about some things as well as quite different interests. Do you 'make' yourself fit when you actually feel that you no longer do? Or do I feel that I don't 'fit' with him because I have underinvested?

I understand what you have said about the crush. It has absolutely rocked me and has never happened before. It was somebody very different to dh in many ways and the fact that he felt/feels the same obviously makes it so much more 'alive'. I am normally such a stable, 'grass isn't greener' type of person with strong principles and I actually feel like I don't know myself anymore. And again, I wonder why it happened - was it because I underinvested with dh? Was it because I just happened to meet someone who I absolutely connected with emotionally, (and it happened completely out of the blue). Have dh and I changed so much that actually, he's not the one for me? (I'm not saying that the crush is, but has the crush worked to jolt me awake to the fact that I'm no longer really happy with dh?) And even more scary - if the crush made me feel so happy (and gave me feelings that I can honestly say I have never experienced with dh) does this mean that things haven't been right for years?

I just find all of this so daunting. wwifn - you are right - I do feel the need to 'escape' from the world, and sleep is a release. What a horrible, horrible place to be.

Honestly, and I don't know if this will be helpful or you'll be able to accept this, I believe that you have to lead your heart. Tell it what you want to feel, what it is right that you should feel, and work at it until you do. I sometimes despise "feelings", unstable, fickle, self-interested emotions and hormones washing around inside us that we let be in charge of our lives.

This is not to say I don't feel, I do, passionately, but I work hard to bring them into line with the kind of person I want to be as well.

If you want to know what it's like when feelings take over, you can read what I've been through over the last 13 weeks after discovering my H's affair in Nov. (What are the signs a marriage can survive an affair thread?)

"Was it because I just happened to meet someone who I absolutely connected with emotionally, (and it happened completely out of the blue). Have dh and I changed so much that actually, he's not the one for me? (I'm not saying that the crush is, but has the crush worked to jolt me awake to the fact that I'm no longer really happy with dh?) And even more scary - if the crush made me feel so happy (and gave me feelings that I can honestly say I have never experienced with dh) does this mean that things haven't been right for years?"

He would have said v similar things at the time, I doubt it's really true and it's fucking agony. Don't do this to your H.

You still aren't telling us whether this relationship with the OM is ongoing.

One of the ways that can help this situation is to discuss this crush with your H. At the moment, you don't seem to be able to pinpoint when these feelings of marital dissatisfaction started, before or after the OM came on the scene. That doesn't entirely surprise me, because when someone is having an emotional affair, they are so embroiled in the intense feelings, that clarity eludes them.

If it's the case that the crush served to "wake you up" to previously unacknowledged dissatisfactions, the fairest and most honourable course of action is to give your H some honesty that this has happened. It is virtually impossible to compete as an established partner, with the lure of the new, but it is out of the question if this is conducted secretly. Your H has no idea how imperilled his marriage has become and he needs a level playing field. He might just surprise you with his own revelations, too.

Unless your H is in denial, it is likely to have crossed his mind that your unease is linked to meeting someone new. He is probably busy bargaining that away by telling himself that you are "not the type" to have an affair. However, every single one of us are the type and this is a spouse's greatest mistake. We are all capable of having a crush or a friendship that has crossed the line and it doesn't mean you are a bad person.

Alongside our other suggestions, have a think about shedding some light on what has been happening, with your H, giving him permission to make similar disclosures. This really will give you some clarity, one way or another.

I think that the crush is symptomatic of other issues going on here. But to clarify, is this man a new friend or crush or have you known him for a while and suddenly realised feelings? You have said that he feels the same, did he tell you this or is that your impression or feelings?

If you look at a large proportion of the threads on here about not feeling happy in a marriage anymore, there are usually some very common themes. I?m not saying that these necessarily all apply to you, but they are usually from people who have been married for 5 to 15 years with 2 children. It used to be known as the 7 year itch. The magic has gone out of the relationship and you are not sure if it was ever there.

Something that was touched on in a long thread a few weeks ago was the issue about women wanting a relationship and babies with a man, the clock is ticking and the man seems like a decent fellow so they have the perfect wedding, get the perfect house, have a baby, then another one, then a few years down the line realise that actually they haven?t really been in love and there are longings or the need for just something else. Oh dear, I?m not explaining this very well, hopefully someone will link to the thread.

I?m not saying any of this applies to you by the way, I?m just giving you an alternative perspective that was ?debated? in this thread.

You need to separate the two issues and as has been said, try a different counsellor and be completely honest with them about everything.

I also think it would help you to have a break away from everything-are there any long distance friends you can stay with for a week?

Thank robberbutton for your response. I have read some of your thread and it you seem like such a strong person.

wwifn- I have thought and thought about the impact of the crush. I can honestly say that there was some dissatisfaction on my part before the crush although I fully admit that it has since played a big part in everything.

I do remember feeling this emptiness with dh and questioning everything before the crush but put it down to a host of other things that were going on - I was studying quite intensely as well as working and we had lots of goings on with some property that we rent. Basically, it was a very manic time in my life (even more so than usual) and I put alot of my sadness with dh (and quite frankly, my feelings that I didn't desire him/want to be with him) down to me not being myself. This however, continued and then a few months later, the crush came on the scene.

I only see the crush from time to time in the town where we live if I bump into him (rarely) but have stopped all contact. I have to admit that he did try to phone me a few weeks back. I spoke to him to explain the situation and since then that is it. Actually, I thought this would then provide some clarity with dh as I have been more able to concentrate on things with him, but I'm still feeling so confused.

I know dh must suspect something - he's not stupid - but he hasn't asked me outright if anyone else is involved. I have considered coming clean but think it will devastate him. I also wonder whether he would think there is more to the 'crush' (in terms of what I had actually done) because he knows that this is so unlike me - I'm kind of an 'all or nothing' person. I do understand that he can't 'compete' but feel so sad that our marriage has come to a point like this where he actually would have to.

angree - the crush is someone I've know quite a few months and feelings developed bit by bit. He has told me he feels very strongly about me although has backed off at my request.

I would love to have a complete break but feel so bad about the children. I also have so many commitments that it would be tricky.

"We are all capable of having a crush or a friendship that has crossed the line"

This of course is true, and I didn't mean to imply that I thought you were terrible, just that feelings in general, that affect everyone, are not always helpful or reliable.

I would agree that the only way to move forward is be completely honest with your H about where you're at and what brought you there. My H sat me down at the beginning of last year and tried to tell me he thought something was wrong with our marriage, without mentioning the all important OW. His motives would be different to yours in that he didn't want to stop, whereas you don't want to hurt your H, but anything but the truth will have the same consequence - an ineffectual conversation that doesn't fix or change anything.

I think you sound like you are very weary, need a holiday as a matter of urgency, and also need to consider some marital counselling as marriages are very precious, and also children are involved here. FWIW. Hope you find some equilibrium soon.

thanks robberbutton. I know deep down I should be completely honest with dh but just feel so bloody bad, so dishonest. I have thought back throughout our relationship to times when I have met other men. I often go out with the girls and without sounded arrogant, have been approached by men in the past, some of whom I have got on with and found attractive. BUT - I have always been so grounded, so aware of all that I have, so CERTAIN that dh was/is the one for me. Now I am realising that these feelings haven't been around for a while.

I just know dh will be so heartbroken if I admitted this. It makes it worse, because dh is such the opposite to me, particularly at the moment. He is a very content person, happy in his work and home life and is devastated that our lives (which he simply sees as us being together forever) could possibly not be. I just feel that admitting the extent of my doubts would be like kicking him when he's down.

Boffinmum. I know. I am actually considering asking for some type of sick leave from work but am hesitant to as I have such a heavy workload. I don't think I have ever felt to weary with life or detached from enjoying each day.

You don't know for sure how your DH will react. It will be painful for him, sure, but he might be motivated to do anything and everything possible to give you what you DO need, and if you are unemcumbered by OM and able to commit to working on your marriage, that's a great start. I just posted on another thread that I think it's wrong to give up without trying as hard as you can, which you can only do in any meaningful way if everything is out in the open. Of course you might still eventually decide to end your relationship, but if you give it 100% first then you will have less guilt, and you might be surprised at what you "feel" along the way ;)

Just go.
Work can wait.
Nothing is more important than keeping your family together. Nobody will mind really.

I've got to ask this - have you posted before about this, because there is such an air of deja vu about this thread and I posted much the same things on that thread too?

If you'd feel dishonest talking to your H about what has been really going on for you, how could that be more dishonest than conveying you've got doubts and not telling him the whole story? It might not devastate him at all, it might allow the jigsaw pieces to finally fall into place.

The three things that people having affairs, emotional or otherwise, fail to take into account about their partner are that he might have had crushes and temptations of his own, that he has pulled away to an extent too (either before or as a result of your detachment) and that it has occurred to him that there is someone else.

It's the same with the person who keeps their affairs secret. There is always an effect of that secrecy and sometimes what happens is that the faithful partner reacts by detaching, almost without the secretive one noticing.

Knowing that there is an OM or OW can have a hugely liberating effect on a spouse. This is a more understandable competition and however hard you try to convince yourself or your H that the OM is merely a symptom, your H will know the truth that this friendship has muddied the waters and has been a significant factor in this current turbulence.

Currently, your H is labouring under the misapprehension that you are having understandable mid-life reckonings and wondering whether your marriage is built for the long haul. He might feel that he cannot fight those yearnings and if he doesn't feel the same, might just be crossing his fingers and hoping the storm will pass. But your feelings are an unknown enemy to him and therefore much harder to fight. An OM is a much more visible and easier adversary.

Most adults know that the lure of someone new brings with it a form of temporary insanity, that evaporates quickly if it is brought out into the open and curtailed.

You are second-guessing your H's reactions all the time; he might really surprise you and it seems only fair and decent, if you love him, to afford him that honesty.

YY, exactly. I had the worst year of my life last year. For the first time ever I felt like I didn't love my H, didn't really like him at all in fact, couldn't picture a future together with him the way things were going. And then, of course, I find that there WAS a reason for all of this, it wasn't that we didn't love each other any more. There was something tangible poisoning our relationship, that has the potential to be removed and healed (a work in progress of course, and by no means guaranteed). Of course I wasn't happy to find out, but it was a relief of sorts. Please tell him.

Shining; I'm in just about the same place as you are - it's quite uncanny.

I'm going to watch this thread with interest.

Really polaris? I would be interested to hear more......

whenwillifeelnormal - I have only posted about this before in terms of help if I ended up going it alone. This was a couple of months ago hen I felt the only way out was to split and dh at the time, wanted to sort things out once and for all. Since then, dh has given me lots of space and time to sort myself out and has realised how confused I am. I am still grappling with whether tell dh everything. The problem is that he knows the crush. How could I do him the depth of my feelings when he may bump into him?

robberbutton - I know you are seeing things from the other side, and it sounds like your husband wants things to work out. He therefore has made a decision that he wants to be with you and staying married is the right thing for him. With me, I'm not entirely sure that my life does lie with my husband. I feel like I've reached some kind of crossroads in my life for whatever reason and if I tell dh everything, I think I should therefore be able to tell him whether I want our marriage to work or not.

sorry for typos - busy at work!

I'm so consumed analysing every part of my life at the moment that I'm finding it hard to stay focused on the day to day.

I've totally lost motivation. I can't find a reason to do anything as it's so much effort for such little return.

I too have thought about a mid-life crisis. I too am taking a hard look at my marriage - trying to gain some clarity on what is right and what is wrong. I can't figure out if I'm so conditioned by my marriage that I just don't know what happiness is anymore.

Then there's the time of year. It could be winter blues of course. Also, I 'fell in love' with an OM last year and am totally confused about how that plays a part in all the confusion.

I too have been totally floored by this experience. My reaction has made me think that it's because of that flatline thing WWIFN said about earlier. Maybe I was totally unhappy in my marriage before it all happened and it gave me a hope that I'd forgotten about.

So I feel like this for a week or so, and then I feel a bit better. I then think maybe I have a PMT cycle thing going on as I'm going around in circles.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot get to the bottom of my misery. It could be that I'm just bored of being at home, in my PT job. I might just be suffering from having pre-age school children that keep me bound to the house. Then there's this big worry that I think my DH is controlling me.

There's no obvious reason - I just can't see the wood from the trees. When you're like this you don't know when the hope will come back. It might just come back on its own, but maybe I'm going to be in a rut like this for the rest of my life.

I too just want to be alone, on the computer or going to bed - even away from the DCs. I can't be arsed to leave the house sometimes.

I really am trying to pick myself up. I do exercise and see friends and put make-up on and do the housework etc. But these things seem so superficial. They give some immediate releif, but then a few days later I'll find myself back at square one again.

Poor you polaris. I know exactly what you mean about not seeing the wood for the trees. Its like you 'should' be happy, but for some reason you are not. I've never felt lonelier in my life yet am surrounded by people who love me.

I work long hours so have not got the 'stuck at home' syndrome. My children are a bit older and we are lucky to have sitters, so I can get out a bit (although don't even fancy that at the moment). I know exactly what you mean about he hormonal stuff - I even went to the doctor to talk about it but she said that it my age, it would be highly unlikely that that hormones would impact so hugely.

I enjoy my job, so this leads me back to my marriage. I know that things weren't entirely right between dh before the crush came along, but whose to say how much worse the crush has made things? Would I be 'happy enough' now if the crush hadn't come along? I also know what you mean about the winter blues. I am sure that I will feel better when the weather improves! I know that there are so many things I could do to make myself feel better (or distracted?) in the short term, but is this just glossing over something far deeper? Surely I shouldn't be questioning my love for my husband?

Gosh ladies I so understand what you are going thru too.
Won't bore on about my own situation, well i will obviously -- up until 2 years ago I thought i was soooooo happily married, two lovely dds, fab job etc when fell totally in love with colleague. i thought it was out of the blue but looking back (and with aid of fab therpist) i know it was just years of ignoring lots of little unhappinesses because what did i have to be unhappy about?

anyway, that all ended in smoke, badly hurt feelings on both sides. Got to point twice of husband moving out but we have decided to give it a real go and try and see if we can make it work. He doesnt know about OM.

Have learnt two lessons that i hope may be useful to you. 1) don't ignore your feelings, even if they are inconvenient, frighten you, challenge your view of life, or may lead to change. they will not go away think of squeezing air in a balloon it just pops out somewhere else. 2) marriage is very hard and sorting out problems such as I have had and you describe take ages and ages. Two years on we are still not there yet, and may not make it. It still feels very fragile. but I am glad we have tried whatever happens.

I do really feel for you. Unhappiness is very debilitating. I wish i had gone on medication 2 years ago, not for depression, but anxiety which is hugely under-diagnosed. good luck