Please help - emotional wreck

[shiningstar7]

Please help me gain some perspective in my life. I am 35 and have been with dp for 17 years (married for 7). We have a dc and dd aged 10 and 12. I work full time and long hours as a lecturer and hold a management role and dh also works full time. Sometimes he works away (although not for huge amounts of time) but he does then get lots off in between and he very much enjoys being at home and does a lot around the house.

I love my job and up until a couple of years ago, thrived on my busy lifestyle. Dh and I have had our ups and downs but worked through things. However, for many months I have felt increasingly uphappy despite having the good husband, children, nice home and fulfilling job. I know this makes me sound like a selfish cow so feel free to tell me to pull myself together, but normally, I am such a together person. I think it stemmed from an uneasy feeling a while back that things weren?t right between me and dh. Nothing specific happened, but I just very gradually started feeling that things weren?t ?right? between us. I put it down to many different things ? two years ago, I lost my best friend in a tragic accident and this really shook me up and made me weigh up my life. My job involves a lot of responsibility and extra learning and I think this has changed me a lot. I enjoy my own company so much more than I ever did and feel like I just don?t slot into my family any more.

I also developed an attraction for somebody else a few months back. Nothing happened, but this has never ever happened to me before and it shook me to the core. I know we all fancy people, but this attraction (which could have gone further) was an emotional one that made me question all of my (normally wise) morals and principles.

To cut a long story short (as this has gone on for several months) dh have now pretty much hit rock bottom. He knows I am having these problems and is desperate to keep us together. We are actually very good friends and we have talked a lot, but he is obviously very sad and feels helpless about everything. I have had some counselling, which helped a bit, but, I actually found it quite scary and overwhelming to face the fact that my life/marriage as it is may not actually be forever. I have been to the doctor who does not think that I am depressed (and I don?t either).

My concern now is that I am starting to really feel the effect of all this ? I keep falling asleep in the early evening (I do sleep well at night) and I cry daily. I feel like an emotional wreck and can?t gain a perspective on what to do. I feel guilty that I am putting dh through this yet can?t ?pretend? to feel right. I feel so bloody guilty about my children ? they must sense how I am now ? but also, if dh and I split, they would have to go through all of that. I desperately feel that I need time alone, but how selfish is that? I am wondering if this is some sort of early mid- life crisis ? seriously ? and wonder if I made a firm decision to split that I would regret it in the future? Has anyone gone through this kind of emotional turmoil before for no apparent reason? Have I just fallen out of love with my husband? What can I do to get myself back on track emotionally to actually deal with all of this?

Well, it looks like you've found people who can give you the answers and empathy you're looking for. I'm sorry but that's not me, I'm not going to advise someone to keep things from their other half, to not give 100% to their marriage, or to put themselves and their happiness first (unless for a VERY good reason, abuse, infidelity - not yours! - etc).

Wishing you all the best.

Thank you robberbutton for your thoughts. I admire your strength and resolve to sort out your marriage. I hope that one day soon, I will have the strength and clarity to sort this out but at the moment, I'm struggling.

I think for me, the real crux of this is working out exactly how I felt before the crush and why. And, whether we could get back to being happier. We have always been up and down - me more than him - and I think this just comes from our personality differences and our different aspirations in life. This is regardless of the crush. I know that I need to separate the two and work out my feelings for my dh and go from there. Its just so overwhelming. I think also for me, it is ingrained in my head to not tell all as this was discussed and advised in counselling.

Ducati and polaris, thank you for your stories. I am sorry to hear you are suffering so much.

Ducati - this very much rang a bell with me because my counsellor and I talked alot about it:
"I know it was just years of ignoring lots of little unhappinesses because what did i have to be unhappy about?" She picked up on this quite quickly and noted how I seemed very frightened about not biding by 'convention' of being married and sticking together no matter what, particularly as we have been together since college. I think feeling a sense of failure is very much tied up in all this - to some extent I've already 'failed' myself, my husband and my children - and this is hard to deal with.

Anyway, alot of ramblings so early in the morning!

Sounds very familiar. I think my problem was not so much loving the convention of husband and kids, but a complete conviction that I don't do unhappiness and failure, in fact i don't do weak and yucky feelings at all, that somehow I was sailing above the rest of the population with all their problems etc etc.

It has been a total nightmare over the last two years, but now I am starting to accept my life isn't perfect, that I have my problems just like everyone else, a difficult marriage that may not last, a job that looks great on the outside but is bloody hard and stressful and maybe I won't do it do for much longer. And the interesting thing is it's very very liberating not to have to be the shining, happy star all the time, sailing along as if my life is fab.

I know what you are going through now is dreadful. I remember days when I was shaking so hard I couldnt go into work. Really, you have had a sort of breakdown even if it is a not a full on "take me to the Priory" kind. But it is good to sort out where you are an what you need from relationship, family and job now while you have more than half your life ahead of you than when you are 70.

yes ducati, I too, don't 'do' weak and yucky feelings. I know what you mean about the job thing too (although I do love my job) its just the impact that it is has, working long hours, living your life by a list etc. How did you get to the point where you stopped being the shining star (how ironic - thats my user name!). I do accept in life that nothing is perfect, but perhaps I have to high standard - perhaps I think my marriage should be better or feel more 'right' when actually its ok. Can I be happy enough rather than happy?

What compounds the problem is my dh's conviction that we should stay together. I know ultimately he would let me go, but its so painful inflicting that hurt on somebody isn't it?

All I can honestly say for certain at the moment is that I so enjoy my time alone without the pressures of making something work or analysing anything. I am seriously considering renting somewhere, which I know sounds drastic (and the children would be parented by both of us which I know is such an upheaval). This is by no way the perfect solution, but I am desperate for some time out