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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

come and tell me my H is being a nob.

59 replies

nickschick · 01/02/2011 21:34

Theres always some drama going on here Sad.

Ds2 aged 15 has a gf and her Mum has just died last week.

Im trying to be supportive to ds but hes just being plain nasty with regards to the fact I also lost my mum when I was 11.

H is being a nob anyway various things hes hardly working etc etc but he has in the past continually 'chosen' ds2 over his other ds,ds1 aged 17 sees this and resents it ds3 is just laid back so hes not bothered and ds1 does lots of stuff with him.

Anyway just lately H and ds2 have started having this perivate joke thing texting each other and all sorts and its daft but i feel v left out.

its spiteful.

and h is the driver and has took to just lately driving ds2 everywhere whilst everyone else walks.

im pissed off and could rant more but if i start i may not stop grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

OP posts:
IngridBergmann · 02/02/2011 07:54

VG post, Attila. You've said what I wanted to say.

ImFab · 02/02/2011 08:05

I love my husband. I love my children. No contest if dh was to treat my children in this way. He would be gone.

kayah · 03/02/2011 01:11

I would stand up to the father of my kids if he treated them differently

I would not worry how much I can achieve, but would show the kids that I am fair and mean business
even if that would mean smashing plates and slowcooker

I am against inequality - family or worplace, noone has got right to treat others according to they whims

and... why would you have to go not your DH?

Original poster
nickschick · 03/02/2011 07:21

When I posted this I was pissed off.

I am having lots of problems at the moment.
Do you really think I dont stand up to him? do you really think I want him to be like this?

He has already said he wont go and if he does He will take ds2 with him,ds2 has said if I wont allow him to go with his Dad he will run away to him,I love all 3 of my children -they dont want to not be with their brother.

Obviously I dont want to lose ds2 because thats what will happen,if he left his dad would see that there were no boundaries and he would as any teen would take full advantage.

I posted here wanting a bit of moral support....I often post stuff on here now I know just to stick to lighthearted stuff-and keep the stuff thats twisting my heart to myself Sad.

Daft as it may seem I thought I might find a bit of a comfort here.

Thanks for taking the time to advise me though and slate my parenting.

OP posts:
kepler10b · 03/02/2011 07:55

could you go for some family therapy / counselling?

NoSoapInADirtyWar · 03/02/2011 08:07

Look you know what MN is like, and your op title is 'come and tell me my H is being a nob'. Most people probably took from this that you needed bolstering and reassuring that you are not a 'moany cow' and the your H is a nob.

Don't be upset, people are trying to be helpful in that mumsnetty way.

I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship myself, and not ONE RL friend or relative mentioned his treatment of me and my ds to me. The fact that yours are says alot imo.

If you yourself can go for some counselling sessions I tink that would be really good for you. It would be a safe place to get things off your chest and think up solutions to the things going on in your life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/02/2011 08:37

"He has already said he wont go and if he does He will take ds2 with him,ds2 has said if I wont allow him to go with his Dad he will run away to him,I love all 3 of my children -they dont want to not be with their brother".

Nick,

You asked us to tell you your H is being a nob.

I don't think you were just "pissed off" when you posted; you were and remain deeply unhappy and currently see no way out. Keeping the stuff that is "twisting your heart" internalised or not expressed in any way even on here will only serve to damage you further. If you do not like the nature of the replies then perhaps you should ask yourself why this is exactly?. You are denying yourself the truth of this situation and pretend almost its not happening.

Like it or not you are also a part of this overall dysfunction and are allowing this to take place. You played a role in getting this relationship this way. Family members have also commented on your H's ill treatment of you.

The above comment is yet another tactic that your H employs in his armoury to bash you with; it is an empty threat but a good one. He knows exactly where your weak points are (i.e the children) and uses them and you systematically and calculatedly to his advantage. He has you exactly where he wants you - total submission on your part.

Can you not see that your man is the root cause of many of your problems here?. Counselling for your own self alone (and certainly not together at all due to the ongoing emotional abuse meted out to you all) would certainly be a good idea.

catsmother · 03/02/2011 09:22

Awww Nick, I really don't think it's been anyone's intention to slate your parenting .... I think any stern talking you you've had has been because we're all very worried about you and your kids and appreciate what an awful situation you find yourself in. Your friend Loopy sounds fantastic - please let her help you - practically and/or emotionally to make the situation better. Unfortunately, making the situation better doesn't automatically mean it's going to be perfect as you're well aware I'm sure .... but better is a huge improvement on the way you're existing right now. I know that housing & money worries can't easily be dismissed and I understand why you're so concerned about the effect of a split on DS2 - I would be too in your shoes. But I guess you need to try and be ultra objective about this and weigh up all the pros and cons of staying vs going. Which option would cause the least damage, all things considered ? I'm inclined to think that the best option would be a split as this would protect you and DS1 from the nasty petty spite of DH and though, if he decided to stay with his dad, you would understandably be very upset at separating your children, perhaps it would be some small consolation that DS2 probably wouldn't feel unhappy per se in the new set up. You may well find that if that's what he decided to do, that the attraction of being with an indulgent dad might wear thin after a while anyway .... despite the bravado, kids that age (though they'd never admit it usually) do often like and respond well to boundaries .... and of course, I am sure he would miss you and his siblings too. Being apart might even make DS2 realise just how much you care for and do for him - right now it sounds like he's taking you for granted - not surprising really with the role model he's got.

kayah · 03/02/2011 13:12

I can understand you are upset as you are living it every day.

It is worth as others say to try to see what you would gain by the split
not what you might possibly lose

you are sacrificing yourself and 2 of your kids for your dh and ds2 to have their way

(or that is what I understand the situation is)

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