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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

come and tell me my H is being a nob.

59 replies

nickschick · 01/02/2011 21:34

Theres always some drama going on here Sad.

Ds2 aged 15 has a gf and her Mum has just died last week.

Im trying to be supportive to ds but hes just being plain nasty with regards to the fact I also lost my mum when I was 11.

H is being a nob anyway various things hes hardly working etc etc but he has in the past continually 'chosen' ds2 over his other ds,ds1 aged 17 sees this and resents it ds3 is just laid back so hes not bothered and ds1 does lots of stuff with him.

Anyway just lately H and ds2 have started having this perivate joke thing texting each other and all sorts and its daft but i feel v left out.

its spiteful.

and h is the driver and has took to just lately driving ds2 everywhere whilst everyone else walks.

im pissed off and could rant more but if i start i may not stop grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

OP posts:
Original poster
nickschick · 01/02/2011 22:23

See now me and loops go back a bit in real life.

Shes very straight about this and always has been Grin.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 01/02/2011 22:25

He treats you like shit. He treats some of your children like shit. That's awful. It's not you moaning or having a bad day. It's horrible.

It's up to you. If you are prepared to live like that, then there's nothing anyone can do for you.

I just think it's really sad. Because you and your poor second class child could be much happier.

CameronCook · 01/02/2011 22:26

He's a knob.

And emotionally abusive.

To you and to your DCs.

You are not "a moany cow"

But you need to do something about him.

loopylou6 · 01/02/2011 22:27

And I will continue to be so you're only young and I know there's things you want. I think you need to make the break - the boys are old enough now. (i want to speak to u tomoz properly over this BTW.)

Original poster
nickschick · 01/02/2011 22:29

Loops will tell you that I have soooooooooo made sure that all my dc have what they need emotionally that ds1 will Not be left out .

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 01/02/2011 22:30

Yup mate, the kids never go without love/attention, but you do and that's not fair.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 22:34

nick..loopy has an emotional investment in having to sugar the pill slightly

I don't

so, from what you have said, you are failing at making sure ds1 is "not left out"

is he blind, deaf and stupid ?

or will be noticing what is happeneing right under his little nose ?

Original poster
nickschick · 01/02/2011 22:37

any fucker loops is honest to the point of sometimes you have to say to her STOP!!!.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 22:38

good, glad to hear it

Original poster
nickschick · 01/02/2011 22:38

and tomorrow she will bollock me big time .

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 01/02/2011 22:39

I feel sorry for your DS1. There's no way he doesn't notice the favouritism and feel shit about it.

Can't believe you stay.

Original poster
nickschick · 01/02/2011 22:41

He doesnt feel shit about 'it' he doesnt actually like his dad and hasnt for a long time way before the favourtism became ott.....fortunately ds1 and I are very very close.

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 01/02/2011 22:42

Anyfucker. are you directing your question at me? I'm not sure I understand.

Original poster
nickschick · 01/02/2011 22:44

Any fucker has mistakenly thought YOU loops are a sweet friend who tells me what i want to hear she doesnt know you for the bare bone truth girl that you are Grin.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 22:48

no loopy, sorry if you misunderstood

nicks got me, I think

madonnawhore · 01/02/2011 22:49

The situation sounds fucked. You asked us to tell you your husband is being a knob and I'm telling you: he is being. A massive one. But then what? You're the one who's staying with him and all the while he's being horrible to your son.

Original poster
nickschick · 01/02/2011 22:51

I did anyfucker Smile.

Usually we just muddle through ds1 and ds3 and i have a great relationship and theres always my friends popping in or we can go there or we take the dog out its just me feeling 'excluded' i dont want my family to be like this.

Its not so easy to just leave theres lots of reasons including elderly fil ds2 is 'ill' etc etc .......just sometimes i need to vent Smile

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 01/02/2011 22:54

I understand now. emotinal attachment or not, I have said for years that you deserve better, and I stand by it, you can do so much better.x

AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 22:54

I hope I haven't inadvertently offended you, loopy

loopylou6 · 01/02/2011 22:59

Nope AF, I misread, my fault :)

AnyFucker · 01/02/2011 23:07

phew Smile

loopylou6 · 01/02/2011 23:15

Sorry AF my fingers type faster than my mind works, I should learn to read thouroughly Grin

Grin
ImFab · 02/02/2011 07:25

Have you not asked yourself why your son doesn't like his dad?

If you are so sure your husband is being a nob why are you letting it happen? Your son does know his father doesn't like him the same way as the others. You might be happy to put up with crap from your husband but why the fuck are you letting your child be treated like crap?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/02/2011 07:38

"im not a downtrodden wife or anything and i do try and stick up for myself im just feeling a bit down"

Nick,

I hope Loopy can talk some sense into you because apart from needing some straight talking you are indeed downtrodden and allowing (yes allowing) your children to have this abusive crap thrown at them as well. Your real life friends are commenting on this as well; listen to them properly rather than go into denial again. You are in an abusive marriage and have been in one now for may years. He did a fine job of conditioning you.

Bt staying you are showing your nobber H and all your children that all this abuse is acceptable to you. What are you both teaching your children about relationships here?

Overt favourtism shown by your H towards DS2 will damage his relationship with you his mother and his brothers, perhaps beyond repair. Being the golden child as well is not without price; you need to read up on dysfunctional families. You also now run the risk of having the other two children despise you as well for putting up with their abusive dad for so long. How would you feel if they one day turned round and accused you of putting your H before them?.

There is help out there for you, you though have to take the first and hardest step to access it. WA is a good place to start. Do not tell me therefore you have nowhere to go; there are options open to you and there is always a way out. You have to be brave now for you and your children.

IngridBergmann · 02/02/2011 07:52

I'm with Fab on this.

Please stop minimising this - it seems like you want us all to say ;he's a git' so you can feel a bit better and stay in the relationship (such as it is).

you need to stand up for your boys and take them out of the situation - at least prove to them that you refuse to be treated like this by a man, as you know what, at leats one of them will grow up and start treating his girlfriend or wife this way and expecting her to take it, 'because my mum did'.

You will lose their respect.
Please don't do this - you're pinning it all on your DH and refusing to act like an adult yourself, and take responsibility for getting at least your self out of this abusive scenario.

It must be very hard for your friends to tolerate. Loopy needs IMO to stop telling you off as it just keeps you in the position of a helpless child who isn't able to act - I'm not surprised she gets angry with you.

For Gods Sake will you do something about this and stop making it all everyone else's responsibility? I mean that kindly. Your children deserve to see you act like a grown up.
Sorry your H is a shit but you are just letting him do all this - you don't have to.