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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

old cliche, affair with secretary ages 22!!!

41 replies

picklebanter · 01/02/2011 10:45

Dear mumsnetters, I don't know what to do. I found out two weeks agao that my husband of 10 years has been seeing a secretary in his office. I found text messages, pictures, hotel confirmations, receipts etc etc.
He has denied sleeping with her but eventually admitted a 'friendship' yes he took her to Nobu and other lovely places that we cant afford?! I confronted him with the hotel confirmation and he said that the hotel has made a mistake! i want to try and work this out, I have three children the youngest one. I don't know how to move forward though. I thought we were special, we weren't even going through a bad patch! I need to know the truth. Im pretty sure the hotel conf was not a mistake but he doesn't have the balls to tell me. what am I supposed to bloody do? I can't be a single mum, I already find it hard enough as is! Does anybody has experience/advice on such matters?

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 01/02/2011 10:50

Well you cannot move on while he is still lying to you and working with her, that's for sure.

You can be a single parent. Don't stay for reasons other than love and don't stay if he doesn't deserve that love, either.

KikiJane · 01/02/2011 10:54

What WWIFN said.

TimeForACHEEKYWineOrTheBottle · 01/02/2011 11:03

WWIFN is right, you can be a single mum and under that panic that your feeling right now is someone who is stronger than you think.

Your husband is lying to you and that is what is making the situation and your feelings the way they are, you know the truth but he is refusing to admit it. You need to talk to him again. Can you not maybe ring the hotel as the OW and say you left an earring in there and wondered if it had been found - see what name it was booked under - then you have the proof dont you? But if it is on his credit card/debit card - how the hell has the hotel got his details by mistake

Hope you are ok and dont worry about what you are not, because you are stronger than you think.

Original poster

picklebanter · 01/02/2011 11:09

Going to call about the earring.... thank you

OP posts:

nje3006 · 01/02/2011 11:09

You can't really stay if he won't admit what has happened, ends it with her, stops working with her and he is remorseful. If you don't get those things then any 'recovery' will be false and you'll be back here again in the same situation.

He needs to see that you are very serious about ending the marriage unless he can prove to you that he is remorseful.

Sadly if he continues to work with her, you don't have much chance of recovery.

I'm sorry you are going through this. YOu can survive on your own. You can recover your marriage IF he does the right things. But you cannot recover the marriage on your own.

TimeForACHEEKYWineOrTheBottle · 01/02/2011 11:18

See if it was me, id ask him again and again and a third time - if he LIED again his bags would be packed and waiting for him when he got home from work. I would have also spoken to the secretary aswell.

I did when my DH was 'talking' to someone i thought was a friend of mine but she wasnt, she was just after my DH, i told her numerous times HES MY HUSBAND and she would say 'yes i know' but then carry on.

YOU have to stop it. Give him a choice (do you have kids????)

Me and the kids

Herrrrrr.

Let us know what the hotel say.

TimeForACHEEKYWineOrTheBottle · 01/02/2011 11:18

or what he says for that matter.

Original poster

picklebanter · 01/02/2011 11:25

I dont know that Im stong enough to be on my own with the kids. Like most housewives I gave up a great career in marketing and never went back.
I have created an email account in his name and Ive e-mailed his club/hotel for the January statement. If that fails I will call about the earring. Some days I think 'I can do this' and make it work then other days like today there is a constant butterfly tummy and Im anxious. I think you are right about no recovery until the truth. I think that is why Im finding it hard to move on. I twas onlt two weeks ago that I found out. TBH I didn't think he had it in him. She is 22 for godsake, think that makes me feel worse. Im only 33 so he already had a young wife (he is 42) He is a S@*&T

OP posts:

TheSleepFairy · 01/02/2011 11:25

I would speak to the secretary & see what she has to say for herself.

You deserve the truth from him at the very least.

KikiJane · 01/02/2011 11:28

You are strong enough. Loads of people do it, and do a great job. How strong are you at the moment, all nervy and constantly worrying? Doesn't feel good, does it?

You'll manage, and you'll be great, and you'll wonder why you were worried about doing it. Your head will be free of this constant feeling of unease and you'll know where you stand because things will be on your terms.

TheSleepFairy · 01/02/2011 11:31

Very true kiki nothing worse than living with the unknown.
Every morning waking with the feelings of sorrow & dread.

You deserve more for you & your children.

Your husband is a midlife crisis cliche.

TimeForACHEEKYWineOrTheBottle · 01/02/2011 11:39

Is this Sec his Sec or someone elses? Do you know her name?

Could you maybe ring the office he works at ask to speak to 'her' if she is a secretary or Pa then most calls would be to her for a certain person so just say your calling about a conversation you had with her a few days ago.

then when she gets on the phone GIVE HER HELL.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 01/02/2011 11:41

I doubt you'd get the truth out of the OW, she works for him after all and there is already an abuse of power going on. I expect she will collude with every lie, putting her job and her feelings for him, first.

You know, you really don't need proof of physical infidelity. You've got enough to tell you that it has happened. I understand why you want to expose his lies of course, but I hope you are doing this for that reason alone.

In these situations incidentally, I often advise women to claim that they do have the proof and to give their spouses one last chance to tell the truth. If he lies again, then there is nothing to save.

You are 33. Plenty of time to resurrect that career if you need to and loads of time to start afresh. Don't ever stay with someone who finds it easy to lie to you, or who knows that you are too frightened to leave him.

Think about what respect he is showing for you, to continue lying? Think about how much respect any of us would have for someone who wouldn't leave us, regardless of how we treated them?

KiwiKat · 01/02/2011 11:45

So sorry to hear you're going through this. It's painful - I've been there. Now you need to resolve the situation, one way or the other.

Don't be fooled by his lies - I'm convinced of his guilt just by what you've told us here. He needs to make a choice - her, or to stay and fix your marriage.

I'd also ask the secretary what her intentions are - is she ready to be stepmother to three children, or is she just having a bit of fun? I bet she hasn't thought through the reality of your DH leaving you for her.

nje3006 · 01/02/2011 12:02

There is plenty of time for you to resurrect your career. It's possible that the anxiety levels are about trying to come to terms with the betrayal by him and the shock of it. It probably doesn't relate to not being able to cope on your own. You can definitely do that.

I think you have enough proof. Even without the hotel receipt you have text msgs and pictures. Say you get no further with the hotel, you still know what he did with the proof you have. What will you do then? What do you think you will get from the hotel that you don't already know? You know he's lied to you already. You don't need the hotel to confirm that for you. He's lying to you about them making a mistake. Of course they haven't, you know that. It doesn't make any difference what the hotel says.

What has been his reaction to this? I know you are in shock and he knows he's been caught. What is he saying?

TimeForACHEEKYWineOrTheBottle · 01/02/2011 12:04

Yeah ring HEr up and tell her what your DCs fave foods are, so she knows what to cook them on a weekend when she is playing stepmum with their daddy. That would put the wind up her, do you know her email address?!

TimeForACHEEKYWineOrTheBottle · 01/02/2011 12:05

Then tell DH where he stands, pick up friday 6pm, home sunday 6pm. No later, no earlier. He wanted this, he got it.

I bet he would start talking.

Original poster

picklebanter · 01/02/2011 12:13

I emailed her two weeks ago just to ask her how long it has been going on. she didn't reply. I met her in November, she was so nice to me!

OP posts:

dittany · 01/02/2011 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

merrywidow · 01/02/2011 12:28

when i suspected my H of staying at his ex wifes house some time later i declared...

' I know where you were the night you stayed out' then before he could answer iasked him how often he had seen her. He spluttered that it had been a one off and then asked me how i found out - 'you just told me' i replied.

stupid arse

dittany · 01/02/2011 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 01/02/2011 13:07

Think it's time to get angry.

Inertia · 01/02/2011 13:36

Keep copies of all the evidence you've found; he is clearly going to try and lie his way out of this. Agree with what Dittany says- you need to know where you stand, and you need to be in a position to tell him exactly what he stands to lose as a result of his affair. Seeing a solicitor would clarify your position, and hopefully dispel some of the fear of the unknown.

I would also try to determine what his company policy is regarding relationships between co-workers - not that you would necessarily want to contact them directly, him losing his job would not help; but if you want to try to continue with your marriage the pair of them cannot work together.

It sounds as though your husband is expecting you to be so terrified that you won't challenge him. Don't let him bully you.

I'm so sorry your husband is behaving like an arse. Your family are going without so he can wine and dine OW in glamorous places, whether he's bedding her in swanky hotels or not, and that in itself is a huge problem. And, FWIW, I suspect 22yo will be a lot less interested in him when he can't afford the restaurants and hotels because he's paying out for his own living expenses and the CSA.

Gogopops · 01/02/2011 14:21

Why not phone the secretary and pretend to be from the hotel, saying that you found an ear-ring in the room and could it be hers?

onehotmomma · 01/02/2011 14:38

What gogo said but make sure you do it in front of your dh and see what his reaction is. I don't believe the hotel made a mistake either

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