Help - fairly new rellie, hit a hurdle, trying to sort

[Gibbous]

Namechanger here as so much of this shameful and sorry it's so long.

Ok so background: I?ve been seeing a guy since the middle of October. Things were going very well, and had been really building momentum, he had started wanting to see and talk to me lots and just after Christmas told me he loved me, that he was daydreaming about the great future we could have, really open, full on, lovely stuff, he was completely into me and acted besotted. I don?t think I felt treated better in any relationship, at that particular stage.

Then I sort of blew it. I?ve been under an enormous amount of stress with an unconfirmed diagnosis of a lump and being forced to seek a second opinion which has opened up all sorts of issues (unresolved grief mainly) with my mum dying from cancer in this area after medical negligence, and the realisation that no-one else is there for my son. One evening we were meant to be going out to a party, I was at the height of my anxiety, I?d allowed really terrible, dark thoughts to take over and I felt and looked terrible, I didn?t want to go, I felt tense and angry almost after a difficult week battling with the NHS, but didn?t want to let him down either (his ex had hated his friends apparently and wouldn?t go out with him anywhere so I wanted to prove willing), he was wonderful, when I tried to explain it away by saying I was simply having a confidence crisis he said he wanted to show me off.

At the end of the evening though alcohol and my foul mood got the better of me and I ended up picking a fight with him after the party about a minor matter but would not let it go, he explained (perfectly satisfactorily I later realised but I wasn?t listening at the time) and was going to go home as I was just being crazy and tearful about it so I persuaded him to come back to mine and promised I?d drop it. Then of course brought it up a few minutes later, so he went home. Cue countless calls and eventually a visit from me crying and pleading with him (oh, so, SO cringe) basically to keep me company for the rest of the night as I was struggling with all the stress so much. Although this has left me with slight issues, I honestly cannot blame him for refusing to entertain me while I was in such a psycho state.

Anyway we met a couple of days later, talked it through, I explained things and that this was out of character, and he said he wanted to carry on seeing me but was a bit wary now and felt perhaps he didn?t know me as well as he thought. I said that was fine but I didn?t want to end up going backwards, he answered no we?d go forwards but perhaps a bit more slowly.

That was a couple of weeks ago now and, unsurprisingly I guess, things have not been the same since. Contact is now minimal when before it was nearly every day, any text conversations have been started by me (although I certainly haven?t inundated him) and I have, if not arranged then at least part-instigated, plans for the two dates since the post argument Talk. These actually went very well, the first one he told me he loved me and had missed me, the second (last night) was a little more awkward to begin with because of a communication mix up and also a weird Chat conversation we?d had on Friday where he thought I was questioning his intentions again, mentioning the post-party incident, when I wasn?t (I was actually looking for a positive in something he?d said and fishing further but he thought I was digging around for stuff, I told him he had to stop letting the past ? meaning both in terms of what happened that night with me and his difficult ex ? colouring the present and the future) but I?m pretty sure we resolved that. During the evening I vaguely mentioned my son had been invited to a sleepover but not when. It?s actually this Saturday so I am unexpectedly free, although my son is now old enough so that I can go out for a couple of hours in the evening even when I do have him and I have done this with the bloke occasionally.

So to the present situation, I want to give this a chance although am becoming increasingly disheartened with his lack of effort. I feel if we are going to try to sort this we need to try and put this incident behind us. Anyway we said goodbye this morning. After making the moves over the past couple of weeks I now feel he should be the one to arrange the next date otherwise I am going to just reinforce this pattern.

So I really do not want to instigate the conversation about when we next see each other for the third time in a row, but should I be giving him a timeframe to broach that subject before I make other arrangements for this Saturday? I would have to actively ask around so it?s not a case of turning anything down for him, something I?d never do.

The last thing I want to do is to start game playing but neither do I want to end up making all the effort, especially if his heart is no longer in it, or just being at his beck and call. But I do want to give this a fair chance.

Sorry this is so long and complicated.

At the moment you seem to be coming across as needy. He has said he loves you, and if he does, he will not fall out of love with you that quick.

Why dont you just leave the ball in his court and wait till he contacts you. If he doesnt then you have your answer

first of all - I can only say how I would manage this situation
I would not touch a drop of alcohol and get some councelling

he doesn't know and you don't if and how you behave next time you are under such stress

once you have that in motion there may be time to get back together
but as you know - you can't force him
you can only hope that both of you are happy to try again

Thanks Mr Spoc, I know, although I haven't said any of this stuff to him, don't worry, I am trying to be Ms Cool now.

I'm sure he will contact me, sooner or later. And there is a whole different issue in hand in resolving all this and moving forward. But, and forgive me for sounding like a 15-year-old, the more pressing matter is how long I leave it before I make other arrangements for Saturday. I am so crap at this and didn't have to worry about it before.

does he know your situation about the lump?

Also why dont you make plans anyway and if he contacts you say - well i told you i had saturday free but you never responeded so i thought you wanted your own space.

Thanks Kayah, if I was under that much stress again I wouldn't go out, I shouldn't have forced it in the first place. I've never had difficulties with alcohol but I am watching how much I drink now. The stress factor has largely resolved in that at last I have an appointment for a second opinion. And I am seeking counselling.

We are officially "back together", I just wish it didn't feel so half-hearted.

I would leave it until Thursday, and if nothing from him, make arrangements. That's if you want to go out, of course.

I know it's horrible after a talk but things take a few weeks to fade. Try to relax, being uptight about him and his motives will only make you come across unnatural.

i dont think that the drink is an issue for you and can understand the pressure you must of been under (unless you are always drinking and have arguments then that is a different matter).

He does, I'd told him about it a few days before. But he obviously didn't realise (actually I don't think I realised fully) how much it was affecting me.

I didn't tell him I had Saturday free, not a deliberate move, just that I mentioned the call I'd just received was about my son being invited to a sleepover and then food came or the conversation changed or something happened! As said before we'd normally make arrangements for the weekend anyway, even it it was only for a couple of hours while my boy was partying with all his friends at home responsibly looking after himself.

I think maybe that should be the move though, hint that it's Saturday somehow rather than ask outright as I think I'd end up feeling completely overbearing if I did directly ask.

It sounds as if thiings have moved incredibly quickly so far. Can you really be in love with someone so quickly? But I am a well known cynic. In the circumstances I can't think he'd reasonably hold it against you, but tbh if you are able to see him in the evenings, it's worth having a very honest talk and seeing if slowing things down is going to be beneficial to you. Someone already said if he loved you he wouldn't fall out of love so quickly. I think the issue is if you actually know each other well enough to be in love in the first place. After only 3 months, it might be better to cut your losses tbh

*I meant he does know about the lump. And I later explained during The Talk how much I'd let it overwhelm me.

Thanks Mr Spoc, I don't think I have ever let anything get the better of me like that again, it was like dealing with the whole grief process 15 years later, as I didn't deal with that at the time, on top of my own worry. But I'm digressing.

And thanks PF, I felt Thursday was reasonable so will do that. And I will try and relax, the problem is also that he's on the defensive too, hence the weird chat convo when he thought I was interrogating him (I thought he was staying with his friends for two nights last weekend when it was just one, so I asked if it was originally meant to be two - thinking he might have changed it to see me, but he took it the wrong way) so it's all a bit... challenging, but solveable I think.

BBG, I don't think things can move any slower than they are right at this moment! And I don't want them to, there would be nothing then and it would definitely be time to cut losses.

This is the thing, after three months maybe that is best option but I want to try the other first. As for the love question, I think at that stage it's more infatutation, I agree, but it's there as a strong enough feeling to move things forward to the next deeper stage. If a drunken pyscho incident doesn't get in the way...

And I meant in my previous post I haven't let anything get the better of me like that before, not again.

if you have not discussed Saturday, why dont you ring and say your friend has asked you to go out but you would prefer to see what he is doing.

Also who says 3 months is not long enought to love someone?

I knew I loved my wife month 2 and by month 6 we had bought a house, 6 years later we are married and two DC.

Thanks again Spoc, however I still think that leaves me with the original problem of really not wanting to be the one to instigate things again after instigating both previous dates (one by directly asking him out, one by mentioning stuff to sort at the weekend).

And tbh, if a friend had invited me out I'd probably do that anyway! And I imagine he would probably tell me to go with her, he's big on friends, which is good, but perhaps a bit overly so because of his ex (this is another issue but at least it's being worked on).

Thanks all for the input, I felt like a monster tbh, do still a bit, so it's just good to have an outlet.

I think what I'm trying to say (catching up with the 'drunk and vile' thread and it struck me from one of the replies then) is that for me to instigate a third thing in a row would be looking even more needy than before, I need to let him take the lead this time, and I think he does too. Have just sent him a sweet, light ("I'm breeezy!!") general text though, so maybe that'll hark bark to better times and spur him into some kind of date arranging action in the next few days!

Dh and I were inlove and engaged within four months, about to celebrate 9th wedding anniversary! I think sometimes you just know.

That's lovely PL!

I just want things to get back to how they were before, it was magical. I am an insecure person (past experience through child and adulthood which will never completely go, just become more manageable, except for times like this) and I felt so secure and safe and warm.

I think you should cut your losses.

1. Stop texting him! You're only doing it to force something to happen, for him to reply and ask you out. Leave him alone - if he likes you, he'll miss you and ask to see you. He can't miss you if you text him.

1. Stop asking him for private info ("Ooh did you cut your weekend short to see me") etc. You'll have to go RIGHT back to the start with this one. He says go slowly, so go slowly.

1. Make plans for Sat night without him. Go speed-dating or something! (It's totally fun, you can go on your own. I have and had a ball!) Remind yourself you have OtHeR OpTiOnS. You now feel he is the Last Man on Earth who's ever going to like you - he isn't.

1. He might be saying ILY but he's not acting like he does. Since when has a man in love needed to be nudged to see the object of his affections? That future-talky "I can see a future with you" was just words. When it came down to it, you made a twat of yourself after the party but he walked away and after you then went round to his place (), he didn't let you stay. That does not sound like a man in love. Stop thinking you've blown your only chance at happiness! Yes, you behaviour was undignified and awful but stop punishing yourself. Get back the frame of mind when you start thinking of yourself as a catch.

1. Do some beauty treatments! Every time you feel the urge to text him/contact him/nudge him into asking you out for Saturday, do something positive and lovely for yourself. It will get your thoughts back straight. Paint your nails so you can't use the phone; have a luxurious bubble bath so you can't use the phone; have a facepack so you can't use the phone; go to bed early so you can't use the phone. Get the idea?

AGree with BEAUTIFUL.

End it.

I worry about the speed of the outset of the relationship and I worry that this is a game.

This is only a few months out of your life and he is no loss, really.

He should have been more supportive of you with the lump, and I worry about why his previous ex didn't like ALL of his friends...

IMHO, you are well shot of him.

He sounds like hard work. Non-supportive and unsympathetic. You tell him you have a lump, he expects you to go out and entertain him. You are stressed, he acts like a twit because you are human and did not put HIM first.

Dont text him, DO make other arrangements, and if he DOES suggest a date, tell him you are not free. (Even if your only date is with a bucket of popcorn and ben and jerry)

This: "...you made a twat of yourself after the party but he walked away and after you then went round to his place (), he didn't let you stay" and the other two replies really have struck a chord. I think you're right. I think you're right. We've just had brief text banter, he kept replying back (he was last to and I have stopped now) but no talk of seeing each other again.

He also said his ex was "mental". Makes me wonder if he drove her to certain behaviours with blowing hot and cold (something I'd noticed a bit before in his behaviour anyway, before he really seemed to come to me after Christmas). Hmmmm.

You're right, a friend's band is playing on Saturday, I'm going to go and see them. I can't do speed dating when we're still meant to be official, two wrongs and all that! But I can distance myself.

Thanks for putting things in perspective.

The thing is, he said he loved you. And then as soon as it became apparent you had ishoos (and who the hell doesn't) it all got a bit real and scary for him.

That doesn't make him a bad person, of course not, but it does make me wonder how experienced he is at relationships. Was he expecting sunshine and roses whilst you have an undiagnosed lump similar (although I hope not very similar in the end) to the one that killed your mother? He may not have felt ready to deal with that so early in the relationship - reasonable - but then that means he doesn't truly love you, yet.

It seems to me that you need to make the most of your Saturday night to look after yourself. And that means a night on your own doing fun stuff, no pressure, or maybe some pamper time. Something you can guarantee will make you feel better. But because your emotional wellbeing has to be paramount.

Once you've had some chill-out time, then see what you feel the next steps should be.

Hope you get your medical situation sorted out soon, it all sounds very worrying.

You're right, a friend's band is playing on Saturday, I'm going to go and see them.

Love this! Whole-heartedly approve! Spend hours getting glammed up and look the total hotness, then dance, flirt and have a great time. Don't contact him while you're out!

From this minute onwards, ignore any contact from him that isn't a "When can I see you again?" request. Text banter is lame, he could easily just be passing the time while he has a poo.

OK Not that I was in the mood to play Red Flag Bingo but, I just spotted at least 2

0-60mph in 5 seconds flat - You had been seeing him for 8ish weeks and he is in lurve

Constant texting/communications, planning your future together

Bitching about the EX, anyone????

You have a crisis and instead of being supportive and caring he turned a blind eye and a deaf ear and didn't put you first.

Now he's being cool, and that is either the end, the fast cool down or it's a game to get you begging and beseeching him to be with you.

See if there are any more boxes he ticks here

Thanks Tribpot, I am sure logically, in my head it is harmless (it's not breast, but I don't want to give too much away) but that did nothing to stop the absolute terror, I kept reliving the moment she died (violently, in agony, convinced the hospice nurses were trying to kill her and fighting desperately against it to the very last breath) and imagining my son seeing that at his age (I was at least grown up) with no-one to look after him. It was stupid, and I shouldn't really be going over it now, but that was the point I got to. It was a horrible dark place.

Before all this he mentioned a couple of times how strong I seemed, I think he was wanting/expecting some supernatural Amazonian after his ex, who would apparently threaten suicide if he went out and she didn't want him to. So on the one hand I understand his reaction - fear that I would end up being the same - but on the other I think he has ended up too much that way. Even if we did get back to how things were, I don't think I'd ever be allowed to be vulnerable.

Actually TP, your post made me well up a bit because you showed some concern about the situation, something he hasn't done since the blow up. Even after I'd told him, when I texted to suggest meeting up the first time, that there'd been "some progress" (me getting my second referral appointment after weeks of battling) he hasn't asked what that was or how I am. That was nearly two weeks ago now. For all he knows I could have been given the all clear or be going in for an op in a couple of weeks.

Feck me, it's time to call it a day, isn't it?! I'll do what you suggest, take some me time to ensure it's the right decision but prepare myself for finishing things.

Thanks everyone, I am sitting here crying, but actually in a good way, I'm really touched that you've taken the time to reply. Sorry to go on but it has helped so much x