Falling in love with someone else...

[LoveAndOtherDrugs]

Lately, it has struck me that I am falling in love with someone else. Please realize I would NEVER have an affair. I need help dealing with my feelings and this situation.

Background:
DP and I have been together 8 years. Our relationship is lovely, we were best friends before that. He is a thoughtful, fun, fabulous man. Our sex life is good and I am fulfilled in life with him. He can sometimes be a little bit childish, never quite accepting that he's a grown-up. His childishness was at its worst when I became seriously ill and he wasn't very supportive. He runs from big life changes: marriage and children are not in our plans but illness he tried to run from. He has realized the error of his ways. He is such a good man, who sometimes finds 'normal' relationships and responsibilities hard due to his abusive parents. We love each other and hope to always be together.

Our friend John separated from his wife last year after 20yrs. They have three DDs, 10, 8 and 7. She cheated on John and asked him to leave. John wants full custody but can't as he works abroad much of the time and he wants to give them stability. His wife doesn't want custody at all, which is so sad for the girls. They are wonderful little children.

My DP is a close friend of John's ex-wife and happily parties with her and the guy she cheated with. This something that makes me very uncomfortable.

My heartache:
John is a deeply spiritual man and I have realized I'm in love with him. We have the same passions and concerns, the same interests and desires. He supported me through a potentially terminal illness like no one else. John and I have many deep chats and silly laughs together; we get lost in each other's company. We have been friends for many years. Recently, John came to a party at our place. The whole night it was like no one else was present. While my DP was downing shots as a 'dare', John was playing my favourite folk songs on guitar and sharing stories from our childhood. I adore him.

He told me on that he felt he was dealing well with his separation, saying 'someone has made me see that life is still beautiful: you.' He didn't say it in a way that was sexual or suggestive, he was just honest. We hugged and I noticed he was crying. We just sat there, holding each other.

I want to help him raise his girls, I want to make him feel alive. I'm very physically attracted to him. I want to give him the love and security he deserves. In John, I imagine my future. It's one I'm not sure I can rely on with DP's fears and I'd love your help knowing how to deal with this love I have for someone else.

You do not have children with your dp? Personally, from what you have written, I say go for it. If you have known John for 20 years its likely you know his faults. If you love one another, do it.

But end your relationship with your dp first. Do not have an affair. No good will come from that.

I think you probably need some time apart from both men to work out where your head is at. Please don't take things further without being honest with your DP, it seems like you're in the middle of an emotional affair as it is.

I don't have any children, lemon, that's right. I've known John about 7 years. Your words make my heart leap that I could just do it, just be with this other guy. That says a lot.

Robber, just to reassure you, I would never cheat. My heart feels like it's already drifting, so maybe I should take a break.

DP is so wonderful, I don't think I got that across in my OP.

My heart definitely needs a rest!

I think you need to take some Extended time apart to work out what you want.

Thanks Porto, you're right. I can't ricochet like this!

you arent married andn you have no children? i would say you are free to do whatever you like, provided you end one relationship before starting another

Has 'john' said he is in love with you?

I would be honest with my partner,a 8 year partnership is akin to marriage imo.

I think you and john have had tramatic experiences and this has brought you closer,hence you thinking you are in love with him.

Be honest with the man you are living with.

I promise I will be totally honest and faithful. That's why I'm trying to sort my head out with your help first rather than messily trying to explain to my DP. I will clear my head and then communicate.

Thingumy, he hasn't said he loves me. Your post really opened my eyes to the trauma in our lives. I think it certainly contributes to my hesitation about the future with DP (I'm scared he'll back off again) but I'm as certain as possible right now that my feelings for this other man would exist with or without the trauma.

I really need to take a break from my relationship, don't I? Even if John and I were to be together, I certainly wouldn't go straight from one relationship to another.

Lots of people retract into themselves or withdrawal if they are faced with the threat of losing a loved one (ie potential terminal illness).It's called fear (and a smudge of denial).

I'd be sitting down and talking all your doubts though with your partner.

Talk to him.

I know it's not stable adivice, but life is so short, if you have a chance at happiness and family life, go for it!

I have a dear cousin who is in a relationship similar to yours, only her dp doesn't work and is grossly obese. I can see she is unhappy, not in a panicky way, just a deep sadness at what she will never have. She is only forty, I would love her to find a John.

Ah, you only get one life. x

Thingumy, you're absolutely right about fear. I got angry where he got scared and I can tell by re-reading my OP that I still sound angry about it and his reaction, which is unfair.

I will talk to him - specifically about us and our future before bringing up anything about John - tonight.

I realize that ending my relationship with DP and starting a relationship with John would be two separate issues. I would need to do them for their own sake: i.e. not leave DP because of John. It's either that my relationship is worth having or not.

Thingumy, you have exactly the clarity of thought I need, thanks.

Oh, perfumed, I hope she finds someone wonderful. Thanks for your words.

You are welcome OP.

I hope your talk tonight will give you some clarity on your emotions and situation.

Thanks dear

Having understood Porto's warning I nevertheless want to cut through all this romantic reverie and make some observations.

John's wife cheated on him and hurt him terribly. He is no different from the numerous OW who have been hurt badly and think it's acceptable to turn their attentions to an attached man. You are no different from a rescuing attached man who wants to soothe all the hurt away and demonstrate that you won't be like that awful cheating spouse.

Where this falls apart however is that you already are, but to your own DP.

Don't kid yourself that this is not an emotional affair. You are already making comparisons. If your DP and your life together is as good as you say, this is just a crush brought on by your need to rescue someone.

You're not seeing this clearly at all. Help him raise his girls? Where are you getting these stories about his wife not wanting custody at all, from John or the woman herself? Even if she doesn't want a part in her children's lives (unlikely) how much more confusion would it bring to those DCs' lives if they see yet another relatonship torn asunder by infidelity, this time at their own father's hands?

You seem steeped in a romantic fantasy of folk songs and deep spiritual connections and you aren't seeing the bigger picture of confused and damaged children, a devastated DP whose habits are now being framed as irritating when once they were endearing and the reality that if you leave your "great" DP for this man, you are no better or worse than his wife.

Thanks, WhenWillI.

I realize totally now that I sound like I want to 'rescue' him. That's not the root of my feelings and I think I feel very defensive and protective of him as a friend anyway. So not in 'love' or 'romantic' terms. I didn't mean to sound like a saviour.

Even as a friend I'd want to help him with his girls and give him a sense of security, so I didn't mean to make it sound so romanticized and dramatic - I realize it does sound that way by saying 'raise' them. I just meant help him look after them, which I could do in any case.

The story about his wife not wanting custody was from her to me in conversation. She told me this when she was supposed to have them for christmas and new year but refused to pick them up because her boyfriend (quote) 'prefers it just being us'. The children don't need me doing more harm. I don't think I am doing something as bad as his wife.

My romanticized comments about songs and connection aren't the big picture, I know that. I have already said that I would not leave my DP for another man: leaving one relationship and starting another must be done for their own reasons.

Can I point one thing out? In my OP, I asked how to deal with the feelings, I'm not planning to leave and definitely not wanting an affair. My head's a mess and I'm trying to get real.

It isn't an emotional affair. It's my emotional mess, I'm trying to get a grip of feelings. I haven't got further than feel something. I just want to know how to deal with it when you love someone and shouldn't.

Hope I'm not being contradictory or revealing by stealth.

My DP is so great and we are happy. And it's a fulfilling relationship. Then John and I have this really different dynamic and it makes me feel happier still. And that makes me feel so bad. My residual anger and unhappiness after being ill probably sours my relationship. That's what I will discuss first with DP: I get that I am at fault, I accept my responsibility for my own responses to both DP and John. The things that irk me about DP did so before I realized my feelings for John.

You guys are great levelers, thank you.

John sounds a bit needy from what you've posted. It's obviously been a shock for him plus there has been the added stress of custody of his daughters.

You say it's your emotional mess but really, this is nothing to do with you - you say that your DP is friends with John's wife... are you saying so to 'give yourself permission' somehow to have a relationship with John?

I agree with WWIFN... you are having an emotional relationship (if you won't call it an affair) and you're investing. It sounds from your posts as if you're distancing from your DP and you sound pleased when others here tell you to 'do what you want', 'one life', etc.

Friends generally don't 'hold each other', not under the circumstances you've described. Since you're not leaving your DP, perhaps don't put yourself in the position where you're alone with John, spend time with your DP instead and if his relationship with John's wife makes you feel uncomfortable - tell him so.

... and put the bloomin' joss sticks away, your posts reek of them...

Yes, I am definitely investing in it. I hadn't thought of it that way. I was distancing myself from DP already due to my residual anger about my illness, which is another issue, and this has made me really question both my feelings and my behaviour.

Reading back, I do sound happy when posters say 'do it'; the part of me that feels strongly about John feels validated when people agree with it. Of course that's neither good nor acceptable. Even when I am being stupidly romantic and foolish, I wish I weren't responding this way. I'm trying to critically look at myself. I hope that my responses become more measured through the thread.

Joss sticks? What the hell? I couldn't be further from a hippy if I tried. I appreciate your comments but that's both inaccurate and unnecessary.

Plus, I have taken on board the more realistic, 'negative' comments as well as the 'go for it' ones. I'm really trying to get perspective.

That sounds lovely!But agree you need to end your current relationship.I think sometimes you meet someone like that were it is a huge connection and you should go with it.I met someone like that and it has been amazing

Thanks noddy. It is an amazing connection, but I can see that I could still have that connection as John's friend.

I forgot to say above, the holding each other thing - when your friend is crying, Lying, you don't hold them? I don't see how that is weird. My DP would also hold a friend who was emotional. Coming after his comment about me making him see life differently, granted, I shouldn't have held him. But generally, I do believe friends hold each other.

I personally wouldn't care what his reasons were for not supporting you during serious illness. It's in hard times we most need our partner to be there, and for whatever reason he wasn't. He added to your stress.

I think he is killing your love and respect.

Loveandotherdrugs... Sorry about the joss sticks, it was flippant. Just that your posts seem so 'dreamy' and 'dettached from reality' in a way. It was tongue-in-cheek, didn't come out that way obviously.

You're obviously an incredibly self-aware woman. Have you had any help to come to terms with your illness and how this might have caused a bit of a rift between you and DP?

Do you know that John would react any better were you to have another life-changing event?

Can you honestly say that if you were to separate from your DP that you'd stay away from John whilst you sorted out your feelings?

Do you think there's any possibility that John is on the rebound and that he relates to you because you're 'safe' as in the partner of his good friend?

Have you spoken with your DP about your feelings generally? If not, I would - if you love him as you say you do then you owe it to him to give him a chance to work on your relationship WITH you... without the influence of John waiting in the wings.