Falling in love with someone else...

[LoveAndOtherDrugs]

Lately, it has struck me that I am falling in love with someone else. Please realize I would NEVER have an affair. I need help dealing with my feelings and this situation.

Background:
DP and I have been together 8 years. Our relationship is lovely, we were best friends before that. He is a thoughtful, fun, fabulous man. Our sex life is good and I am fulfilled in life with him. He can sometimes be a little bit childish, never quite accepting that he's a grown-up. His childishness was at its worst when I became seriously ill and he wasn't very supportive. He runs from big life changes: marriage and children are not in our plans but illness he tried to run from. He has realized the error of his ways. He is such a good man, who sometimes finds 'normal' relationships and responsibilities hard due to his abusive parents. We love each other and hope to always be together.

Our friend John separated from his wife last year after 20yrs. They have three DDs, 10, 8 and 7. She cheated on John and asked him to leave. John wants full custody but can't as he works abroad much of the time and he wants to give them stability. His wife doesn't want custody at all, which is so sad for the girls. They are wonderful little children.

My DP is a close friend of John's ex-wife and happily parties with her and the guy she cheated with. This something that makes me very uncomfortable.

My heartache:
John is a deeply spiritual man and I have realized I'm in love with him. We have the same passions and concerns, the same interests and desires. He supported me through a potentially terminal illness like no one else. John and I have many deep chats and silly laughs together; we get lost in each other's company. We have been friends for many years. Recently, John came to a party at our place. The whole night it was like no one else was present. While my DP was downing shots as a 'dare', John was playing my favourite folk songs on guitar and sharing stories from our childhood. I adore him.

He told me on that he felt he was dealing well with his separation, saying 'someone has made me see that life is still beautiful: you.' He didn't say it in a way that was sexual or suggestive, he was just honest. We hugged and I noticed he was crying. We just sat there, holding each other.

I want to help him raise his girls, I want to make him feel alive. I'm very physically attracted to him. I want to give him the love and security he deserves. In John, I imagine my future. It's one I'm not sure I can rely on with DP's fears and I'd love your help knowing how to deal with this love I have for someone else.

You could if he was just a friend but you are falling in love with him so thats not the same.Do you and your current dp plan to have children if you can?Maybe the status quo in your relationship is boring you and you are keen to jump into a ready made family?

My instinct is to agree with you, perfumed, but then who's to say how I'd react? I like to think I'd be strong but I don't know.

I'm so bloody confused! My DP is lovely and I need to get over the illness. John is lovely and needs to get over his separation. I think I need a huge break.

Lying, I think you said to limit the time I'm alone with John. Thanks, that's a good idea. I will certainly do that.

Are you happy to stay with dp even though he doesn't want marriage and kids op?

It just sounds like you have outgrown each other, or at least, you have outgrown him. I had a life threatening illness four years ago, and although massively traumatic, one precious thing to come out of it was the certain knowledge that, if I died, I had no regrets, and was in love and loved.

Did you ever feel like that when you were ill?

noddy, I agree about the holding thing, I shouldn't have put myself into that one.

I don't want a ready-made family, but I do care about his girls very much. Someone upthread pointed out that being with John could damage them the way their mum has, so I don't want to step into their lives and hurt them. My DP sways about wanting children. I would like children one day - but I say this hypothetically because my relationship is obviously in need of serious attention first.

perfumed - I'm so glad you recovered. And so glad you feel loved. I didn't feel that from DP. He made it about him and had everyone rallying around him (I do not deny him support but what about me?). John was constant in his support me. DP refused to come to hospital appointments with me.

It's quickly becoming apparent to me that I need to do some serious work on this relationship or end it. At my lowest, DP was terrified and John was strong. That does not make John better, or suggest that I should be with him. I know that. But my feelings really deepened when that happened.

In fact, I've been trying to defend my icy attitude towards DP, trying to be fair. But his words were: 'Your cancer means my life isn't carefree any more'. That's not just fear, is it?

Separate issue, I know, but how is that love?

I have had repeated health scares and have a long term illness for which there is no cure just watch and see iygwim and my dp is a total support and never complains and I feel totally sure I can trust him to be there

I'm really glad, noddy. You don't ever know how someone will react. I guess I feel I can trust John more. With my DP, it's not quite so given. But that doesn't mean I'll cheat, I simply mean that my feelings respond to his care and closeness, all of those soothing things he does. Which I made sound like hippy shit earlier, apparently!

It sounds like fear to me... fear and desperation at not being able to 'fix it' as somebody who loves you would want to do.

All the way through your posts you've said how lovely your DP is, now you say that you have an icy attitude towards him. I'm all in favour of people living their lives as they want to but with honour. You and your DP need to keep away from John and work on building or ending your relationship - with honesty. Tell your DP how you feel about John perhaps?

Just a question... does John put his girls first? Does he spend much time with them doing the things they want to do? I get the feeling from the posts that he spends a lot of time with you and DP... if so, his priorities are wrong. How would his girls feel about you 'taking away' their father? I think you could count on your relationships changing all round.

I hate to say this as it seems I'm doing a disservice to John BUT it's relatively easy for a man (or woman) with no investment to be 'saintly' and loving towards somebody they don't live with or have actual time and emotion invested in...

You don't sound hippyish at all.Maybe the connection you have felt has opened your eyes to the sort of relationship you want.

Lying, by 'icy', I thought I was being unfairly 'John is fab, DP isn't', which was a shame. I do think DP is a great guy and we have a good relationship, but I'm still reeling from his reaction to my cancer - but that is my own response. I'm the one who has a problem with that. Maybe we need couples' therapy.

John certainly puts his girls first. This weekend was the first we had seen him without his girls in a very long time. He has them every weekend (except this one past) and often right into a week (with child care as he works very long days) because their mum won't take them back. He had them for all of christmas and new year, took them on holiday abroad. He is responsible for all their school stuff and extra curricular activities, which he loves doing. His wife won't do any of it. His girls are the reason he hasn't started dating, he rightly plans his life around them. When DP and I spend time with John, it's mainly also with the girls. He is totally child-focused so I'm sorry I gave any other impression. Much of that night, we were chatting about the children.

You're right about the lack of investment. Maybe John senses my feelings/behaviour towards him and enjoys the attention. But I know he cares about me and that the way we are together is the relationship I long for.

DP is home in a minute so I will sign out for now and start some real communication tonight. Will be back tomorrow if you want to leave me any more comments. You guys have really made me face up to my feelings and behaviour. Thanks.

So, tonight DP and I had a really heartfelt chat.

He bounded in from work full of plans for us to spend the weekend with John's wife and her boyfriend. I explained that I'm not comfortable socializing with them because their affair broke John. DP said he noticed John and I had spent a lot of time together at the party.

It was then I realized you guys are right, it's an emotional affair. My DP didn't mean it like that. He said 'John has been a rock for you, since the illness.' I took this as a good opportunity to explain why I'm still hurt by DP's fear and lack of support. I actually told him - because I want to remain open and honest, although it was awful to say - that I have felt very drawn to John emotionally. DP (like a poster here) put that down to shared traumatic events. He was so understanding tonight.

I told DP truthfully that I adore DP and that, simultaneously, I feel like I can't trust his reactions to change/the future. DP told me he can't promise me anything . I asked if he meant marriage and children. He meant a relationship at all. He wants to stay together 'in the moment' and enjoy our life together, he doesn't want to look forward. Partly, I believe, because he's scared of wishful thinking (illness could strike again etc).

This really hurt but I realized how much I want our relationship to be my future. He brought John into the conversation again, saying 'do you need something more than this? Is that why you are drawn to John?' I said I am uncertain. The moment he said he can't look to the future, I thought I would up and run to John. But I can't. I don't think DP and I have run our course yet. And as I said today, I wouldn't end our relationship until we had run our course. There's deep love between us yet. I think we - me, DP, and John - are all very lost. I will keep a certain distance from John until the reverberations of illness and separation have stopped. I will stay and work at my relationship.

I will do nothing to act upon that love I have for John. But I cannot stop my feelings, only keep them to myself. John and I share a connection but the reality of us being together isn't right, right now. My DP has done nothing wrong and has been terribly affected by my illness. It has made me selfish.

I'm sure there will be many days when I long to be with John. There will be days when the uncertain future bothers me. Right now, though, I'm in no way ready for children or anything 'big' anyway: as you can see, my head's a mess! But I'm figuring out that the lack of big life plans and 'The Future' is perhaps what I need at this stage. And that's what John needs too.

So, thank you all. Before this became a sordid fling, or heartbreak, or a whole new road, you helped me see my DP as he is and not in the shadow of another man. John is a beautiful soul, a real catch. But I already have a very wonderful DP.

Well, it's a plan of sorts I do think the shake up of serious health issues can make you search around and question things, so in that respect, waiting seems wise, as does talking. Keep talking to your dp, and us.

Lots of luck xx