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Original poster

I need some urgent advice on what to do next - re: threatening behaviour

45 replies

Cheddacheese · 31/01/2011 12:16

My friends other half has episodes where he can be very emotionally abusive towards her and the children (She has 5, the youngest 2 are his children.)

He does have some mental health issues which he refuses to get help for. None the less this does not make it acceptable.

After a particulary bad weekend, he ended up threatening her oldest son (11) with a stanley knife. This is the first time it has been physical. He has always picked on the oldest one more with emotional abuse too.

I need to know where to advise her to go for help should it be -

a) Non-emergency police
b) GP
c) Local PCSO
D) SS
e) All of the above

I have spoken to her in length this morning and she wants him out of the house - but he will not go easily - who can help her and give her the back up she needs to do this?

Any advice greatfully appreciated.

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GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 12:20

non emergency police will alert ss

Thingumy · 31/01/2011 12:20

'After a particulary bad weekend, he ended up threatening her oldest son (11) with a stanley knife.'

Why didn't she call 999 in the first instance?

Police and WA for advice.

TrappedinSuburbia · 31/01/2011 12:21

I would have phoned the police straightaway, she needs to do this.
She can call them or go into the station and tell them that he threatened the son with the knife and she can't get him out the house, they will deal with him pronto and they will contact anyone else that needs to be contacted, ie ss.
If she does it now, I would reckon he'd be gone in half an hour.

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 12:22

they will send officers round for a statement. he'll likely be arrested and it can move from there. police will be able to advise on removing from house permanently too

womens aid also can help
solicitor...free half hour

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 12:23

who owns the house?

Original poster
Cheddacheese · 31/01/2011 12:29

Thank you everyone.

I will get this moving now.

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Original poster
Cheddacheese · 31/01/2011 12:29

ILoveTIFFANY - they both own the house and are unwed.

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northangerabbey · 31/01/2011 12:31

She should phone the police. They have to notify Social Services of any domestic violence when children are present, and this is obviously a step further than that.

She may be entitled to a non molestation injunction and occupation order (ie that he moves out), but she may not be ready to take that action yet.

NanaNina · 31/01/2011 12:49

I think trappedinsub you are being over optimistic about the police involvement. This woman is probably too scared to call the police. Even if the police choose to visit, they will normally "speak" to both partners and ensure that matters have calmed down and that will be that - written up as another "domestic" Even if they did arrest him on suspicion of "threatening words and behaviour" and take him to the station and subsequently charge him, he will be out on bail within a few hours and if the CPS (Crown Prosecution Service) decide it will go to court (and they may not) he will probably get something like a conditional discharge, which means that nothing will happen so long as he keeps out of trouble for 2 years.

I think this woman is vry likely afraid of this man otherwise she would have taken action before about his abusive behaviour to wards her and her children. I think advice from Womens Aid would be best and legal advice re her share of the property. I know it should be him that moves out, but men like this seldom do.

This woman and her children (especially the older children) are living in a dangerous situation and need to get out (if he won't) - I don't know what an occupation order is, so if this is possible to get one, and get him out, that woyuld be the way to go.

Can this woman afford a private rent to get out and argue about her half of the property later when the dust has settled. I know this seems unfair. People are mentioning SSD (I was a sw and tmgr) for 30 years (now retired) and they will only intervene if a child is at risk of significant harm, and you could argue that these children are, then they will intervene, and may possibly be able to help with the woman getting provate rented accdt, but unlikely because they are so overworked and under resourced.

TubbyDuffs · 31/01/2011 12:52

He threatened the 11 year old, so surely the police need to speak to him?

NanaNina · 31/01/2011 12:59

Possibly - but the police these days seem to have lowered the threshold for intervention (lack of resources I guess) and eventhen it is not simple. If the 11 year old is afraid of him, is he going to be honest, or more likely afraid of the consequences. Even if the 11 year old makes a truthful statement, the police may intervene but would only end up as I described above. If charged, few hours in station, then out on bail - CPS likely to think not worth takign to court - even if they do, he will not get custodial sentence. I think people sometimes think the police cart these men off and lock them away and that is the end of the problem but it isn't like this.

They could just caution the bloke if he has no previous offences and that is a 30 minute job in the station and out he comes, ready to take it out on them all for getting police involved.

Original poster
Cheddacheese · 31/01/2011 13:14

I have just spoken to the local police station, without telling them about the stanley knife incident, but explaining that there had been threatening behaviour towards the 11 year old.

Obviously, they want her to contact them and report the incident so that they can act appropiately but could not guarantee that this would mean they could prevent him from entering or being in a property he part owns long term.

I am waiting for her to ring me back and I will encourage her to call them and arrange an appointment to get this all on file. As the police office said, they can allocate her a domestic violence office and if things do get out of control when she asks him to leave, they will have history on file.

Sorry if I missing questions or for bad spelling/english but my 15 month old doesnt want me to be on the computer.

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bubblewrapped · 31/01/2011 13:16

I would tell her to leave. Fuck the house, your life and sanity is more important in the first instance.

Does she have anywhere to go?

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 13:19

you need to mention the knife....personal experience of this.

its an offensive weapon and will be treated accordingly

offensive weapon used on a minor....very serious,and whoever said the police wont do much,you are wrong!

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 13:20

also,if he mentions this in school,they will be obliged to act.

your friend needs to act on this

Scaredofmycomputertoday · 31/01/2011 13:22

My ex broke a window at my home last year during an aggressive rant, I called the police, he was arrested, kept in for the day then bailed. One of bail conditions was that he was not to return to the address until after the court case, which came to court within 6 weeks. The police take dv very seriously now and are a lot more effective than they used to be. Many stations now have a unit specifically for dealing with DV.

She needs to call the police she really does.

Original poster
Cheddacheese · 31/01/2011 13:23

bubblewrapped - We talked about this today, she would have to split the children up, oldest three stay with her mum and dad, she and the two little ones stay with her nan. Everyone would still be in the same town and school wouldnt be disrupted. The more I think about this, I think this would be the better option right now to resolve the immediate situation quickly.

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GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 13:25

it doesnt resplve it,it prevents further contact with him.....unless he knows where all the family members live and is likely to go round and cause aggro?
when in a womens aid hostel,they prefer to move people away from the town it all happened in,he knows schools,routines etc

Original poster
Cheddacheese · 31/01/2011 13:26

Absolutely, I will encourage her to report the knife incident. I asked her how she felt about doing this and she was scared but I think she will.

Scaredofmycomputertoday - the police office I spoke to confirmed they do have a DV unit.

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Original poster
Cheddacheese · 31/01/2011 13:30

ILoveTIFFANY - Sorry, I meant resolve the fact that her older children can't sleep because they are terrified of him and need to be away from him as soon as poss.

He is also telling the two youngest (his children) that they are moving to the seaside without Mummy and the older ones. This is obviously causing different upsets.

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Thingumy · 31/01/2011 13:33

I would suggest she contact WA with the view of getting the hell out of there with all of her children asap.

cremeeggsrock · 31/01/2011 13:38

Dv units are generally fantastic and offer support and advice to dv victims! i would definatley encourage her to report knife incident! it may not turn out very plesant next time Sad do you think that would worsen things or give him a boot up the arse if police were involved?

cremeeggsrock · 31/01/2011 13:40

Ps i would also get advice about safe houses, [dv unit should help with this} the kids being scared should be top priority, they are sadly the ones to suffer!

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 13:44

phone back,report the knife incident yourself (to social services) if your friend is being reluctant.

how would you feel if something happened now,with the information you have,having done little to bring it to attention of the authorities? i wish someone had forced my hand when i was in a dv situaton....i really do!

Original poster
Cheddacheese · 31/01/2011 13:45

cremeeggsrock - I honestly don't know, I think given his state of mind at the moment it would probably make things worse.

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