Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need some urgent advice on what to do next - re: threatening behaviour

45 replies

Cheddacheese · 31/01/2011 12:16

My friends other half has episodes where he can be very emotionally abusive towards her and the children (She has 5, the youngest 2 are his children.)

He does have some mental health issues which he refuses to get help for. None the less this does not make it acceptable.

After a particulary bad weekend, he ended up threatening her oldest son (11) with a stanley knife. This is the first time it has been physical. He has always picked on the oldest one more with emotional abuse too.

I need to know where to advise her to go for help should it be -

a) Non-emergency police
b) GP
c) Local PCSO
D) SS
e) All of the above

I have spoken to her in length this morning and she wants him out of the house - but he will not go easily - who can help her and give her the back up she needs to do this?

Any advice greatfully appreciated.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 13:46

can i ask why you didnt mention the knife when you rang police the first time?

cremeeggsrock · 31/01/2011 13:49

Sadly i think she needs to get away from him with all the kids before reporting offically to prevent backlash from partner! does she have friends or family she could stay with for a while if not permanently? ps: soz if this has been covered dd gonna wake up soon Smile

cremeeggsrock · 31/01/2011 13:50

if shes not willing to go then i have to agree with previous poster you would be right to report it yourself!

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 13:50

yes,actually leaving an abusive partner is actually the most dangerous time of a dv relationship......if he's in custody then she would have her chance then......but not locally. she needs to be out of his reach completely

Original poster
Cheddacheese · 31/01/2011 13:58

I asked the police officer if I was to report what I believed to be a serious crime against a child what would happen. She explained she would obviously need to act on the information and that an officer would turn up at their door to speak to him and her about the report. I didn't feel this was the best way forward as he is unstable right now. I am confident she will report the incident herself.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 14:05

he's still there? not in work or anywhere/ christ.....how will she ever report it with him there? what if....well,if he's unstable,what if something else happens?

how do you know he's got mental health issues if he wont seek help for an assessment?

and if you're right,and he DOES have mental health issues,then why on earth,after a knife incident,are things being left??

sorry op,this is VERY close to home for me,and i know you mean well and don't want to endanger anyone further...but once he's used a knife to threaten,whats his next step in keeping control going to be?

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 14:08

op,is this really for you and not a 'friend'.....i'm probably wrong,but you seem to know alot.

please protect the children and act on this

cestlavielife · 31/01/2011 14:14

agree with others - you have to report this to police. explain the man may be unstable. they will turn up with a couple of officers at least. if he is seen to be mentally unwell they will take him away.

what is going to happen when kids back from school?

can you agree a code word with her -so if she frightened she texts you something like "flowers" and you call police and send them to her address?

as she may be scared to call 999 in front of him. (when i tried to call 999 my exP grabbed phoned off me and threw it away)

of he got mental health issues he is very dangerous and needs taking away - and police are your best bet.

if he is not mentally unstable then he is a violent thug and needs taking away.

either way - she ahs to be ready to dial 999 when dc are home tonight

GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 14:18

my ex hid all our phones when he got to the 'knife' stage......most people,mental health issues or not,DO realise that once knives/weapons are involved,then they have gone too far,and by that time,once all is lost they will do anything. there is no reasoning in the world that will work then.

Original poster
Cheddacheese · 31/01/2011 14:22

ILoveTIFFANY - I do understand how you feel and I am sorry if this is making you feel upset but please understand that I am doing as much as I possibly can bar what I really want to do to him, which would see me in jail. I just want her and the kids out of there safely.

He has been diagnosed in the past, suffering depression and having the adult form of ADHD. He used to take regular medication but now refuses to.

He will be working when she get in from school run.

I too need to sign off soon but will come back later.

Thank you to everyone for your view point.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheddacheese · 31/01/2011 14:23

It honestly isn't me.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 31/01/2011 16:49

good!! glad to hear it,itnwas just a thought.

Original poster
Cheddacheese · 31/01/2011 18:23

Just a quick update - she is phoning the police to make an appointment to tell them everything.

OP posts:
homeboys · 31/01/2011 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cremeeggsrock · 01/02/2011 09:49

hows things going? did you see the DV link at the top of this relationships page?

Original poster
Cheddacheese · 01/02/2011 21:32

Hi

Just a quick update. She has phoned the police and logged a report for the emotional abuse. She has also reported the stanley knife incident and a police officer is going round to speak to the boy. When she spoke to her son again about it and said that she would be phoning the police, he told her that he had actually pinned him to the bed when he threatend him. I had a fear he wasnt telling her everything and I hope he is keeping anything else from her Sad

I cant report much more as I am only getting brief text messages as her OH is around. She is obviously nervous. I am going to meet up with her tomorrow so should know more then.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheddacheese · 01/02/2011 21:33

*isnt keeping.....

OP posts:
NanaNina · 02/02/2011 14:15

Oh god how terrifying for this child. He deserves to be arrested and could be charged with "threatening words and behaviour" but the trouble is he will not be remanded in custody so will be back in the family home, and the family could be in more danger from him - as he will be mad about them informing police though it was the right thing to do.

Your friend needs to getaway from him doesn't she ASAP. As you probably know there are loads of MNs who have escaped from violent men and could probably give your friend a step by step guide on how to do it.

homeboys · 02/02/2011 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cestlavielife · 02/02/2011 14:29

if it has been reproted to police the police will report to SS as a matter of course - though this can take a few days to filter through.

then SS will contact the family and see what steps are bneing taken to keep the children safe. the mother could call SS herself and ask for help and support - or go via womens aid. so long as she can say to SS "i have called womens aid / I am doing xxxx and yyy to keep the children safe".

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread