When will I ever trust him?

[holdingittogether123]

Written other thread and things have moved on. We are now two months on from discovery of his affair with colleage. Things had been better. Still have occasional down days, still checking his phone though not every day. He has had a counselling session at my suggestion and has another booked with a view to us beginning joint counselling asap.

Had a difficult week where by he had first work night away this week. I felt surprisingly calm about it but on the day decided I needed to check if she would be going (more worry about her than him). He was sure not and said would have not gone if had been aware. An evening do was on and something I understood he had to attend. I contacted hotel where he said he was and they said she had checked in.

I was amazed they'd told me and was reeling. To cut a long story short I texted him during eve and he responded in the most amazing way and I had no doubt in what he said. He texted and phoned me all night. reassured me and told me how he felt.He was cross with her as she had not informed anyone and just turned up.He was reeling at the information and gave me a running commentry as she was late and he was not expecting her until I phoned him.

We had a great night out with friends the eve after and were planning a holiday by saturday.We also went to bed together for first time and made love sat am. First time since.

All going well but yesterday I just began to worry++. Had a bad night that night. Bad dreams involving him and her. Didn't sleep well. Due to go out with mum and DCs in pm and because he took his phone on dog walk am thought he had texted her to meet when we were out because we argued. He had shaved which he doesn't usually over w/e and so I thought something wrong. Ended up making excuse not to go with mum and so spend the child free time on own on walk as DH went to pub angry with my prolonged neg responses after such a good few days.

He said it was getting harder to understand these outbursts( usually v supportive) when we have had such a good few days and that he doesn't want to end up in a life with a wife who is obsessed with searching for something that isn't happening.
I'm sick of feeling like this but it almost feels worse than usual this time. Mood very low and v. emotionally exhausted.Don't know what to do.

Hi holdingittogether, so sorry you're feeling so down today. Your DH has to understand that 2 months is nothing - it's 13 weeks for us this week and I'm still crying every day. You should just be pleased that the good days are happening, but it should be expected that they will be in the minority for as long as it tales you to heal.

Your H will have to accept that this is the price he pays, he has done this, and if he wants to keep you he's just going to have to suck it up and be as kind and patient with you as he can. If he can't, it might not be possible to fix things. I hope it is xx

I am you but one year on. Found out last Feb that a friend had tried it on with DH and lets just say he didn't say no straight away. She phoned me to tell me the news some weeks later - she had been on a retreat and discovered honesty.

First couple of months were a nightmare I would get drunk and abusive to DH - couldn''t believe he could be so deceitful couldn't look at him without wanting to punch him. Its impossible to get the images out of my head and I too had nightmares about them both.

At X-Mas I stopped drinking only way I cold control my emotions. Time does help but your DH must realise it will take a long time to build the trust up again - a couple of months is nothing. Really feel for you that he still has to see her at work. If I saw the OW (my oldest friend by the way!!) I would want to give her the most withering look of disgust and pity / if DH ever saw her again I would expect him to pretend she didn't even exist.

I really hope things get better for you your DH must know it is going to take a lot longer than a couple of months to gain your trust/respect again. Relate would most probably help him see this.

I;'m so angry for you holdingittogether. Two months is nothing, surely he was told that in counselling? As for her being at the hotel, I would have gone ape. I just don't see how you knew she was there before he did.

Something doesn't ring true for me. Even if it was innocent, he has to see how that would make you feel, her being there?

If he works in the same company as the 'old cow' he must act like she doesn't exist. She may still be hoping he'll come back to her.My DH's ex OW was still trying to entice him away 3 months after he ended it.
I am almost 2 years on and still have fits of upset, ranting etc. Becoming less frequent and shorter duration.Your DH HAS to understand that it takes time.
Good luck.

I don't think he is telling you the truth, I'm afraid. On NYE and after discovery, he was texting the OW that he loved her and she replied in kind. Within 3 weeks of that, he went to an (overnight?) function where of course it was highly probable she would be in attendance, evidenced by the fact that she was. I think he's lying that he thought she wouldn't be there, I'm afraid.

You can't prove this beyond reasonable doubt, but you don't need to. You just need to know that if the positions were reversed, you wouldn't be going to any evening or overnight functions where there was even a possibility the OM might show up.

You are not 2 months on from discovery; you went back to square one on NYE. I recall that he gave promises about changing his job and booking counselling. He only seems to have done the latter.

He seems to have limited understanding of how long recovery takes and it is madness to think that things will be "back to normal" by now. They won't and more importantly, they shouldn't. This will take years, not months or weeks.

I'm afraid I think he still finds it easy to lie to you and had you not made that phone call to the hotel, I think your H might have lied to you about her presence there. Since he knows you still check his phone, he is probably being careful and this is no real intrusion because he still sees the OW every day at work.

Sorry to sound negative, but sometimes in these situations you need others to spot what you're trying to tell yourself not to feel.

Sounds dodgy to me too, sorry. :(

Thankyou for all your input as usual.

WWIFN - You remember the old posts. Yes you're right. Things did go array on NYE. I guess I felt very empowered by his reaction on that night away. She had apparently been away for several business trips and he had had no cause to see her. They don't work in the same field. He was so supportive. Phoned all night to check how I was.Said I wouldn't believe him but I said I was trying. Said she had stayed with other ladies present at hotel where do was and he'd returned to hotel with 3 other men, had a drink and went to bed.

That night out he'd made a point of telling me how beautiful I looked and how his friend had agreed.

It was after we made love and he was suddenly slightly less affectionate that I felt a little worried. Also he was much more angry and less understanding about my seemingly unnecessary reaction to a bad dream and a feeling things weren't quite right. I don't know what to do now. He's just come back to bed and things were on the up. He made me feel yesterday that I'd put everything back again.

I don't know what to say to him. I have 3 DCs under 9 and no-one knows about this. I love him so much. I don't know what to do.

You didn't put everything back again

he did

again

I am with wwifn on this one.

He is just not trying hard enough, I am sorry.

He is dismissing your understandable upset after only 2 months. You are still being lied to I am afraid. He wouldn't have told you she would be there, if you hadn't done the detective work. Will you have to add the job description of PI to your portfolio for ever ?

He isn't being transparent enough, not by a long way. There is no trust here, he doesn't deserve it.

I am also sorry to say his increased coldness towards you after you slept together is really fucking awful. You are worth more than this, love.

I'm afraid I don't think he would have phoned you all night if he hadn't realised that he'd been rumbled that OW was there.

He has got no right to be angry about your pain and loss, except with himself. He is wrong to blame you for "putting everything back again" because even without the NYE fiasco and the hotel night, you would be having setbacks. Even if he hadn't put a foot wrong, had changed jobs and had no contact with the OW since discovery, you would be feeling like this, I assure you. It's normal and to be expected.

However he has put you back, of his own accord. Do not under any circumstances take responsibility for this and try to tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling the way you do.

No-one knows ?

Start talking.

The secrecy is holding you back. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Make it real, make him face the consequences of his actions properly

You are completely letting him off the hook

What has changed for him ?

Absolutely fuck-all that's what

A couple of counselling sessions where he gets to talk about himself. I bet he bloody loved that...hardly a wake-up call is it ? And either the counsellor is crap or he's putting his own spin on the sessions anyway. You should be over it by now ? No way.

He can't live his life like this?. Well, neither can you, so at this point I would be showing him the door.

I have just asked him to call and he has. I'm crap cause I got really upset and told him things felt wrong and he had no right to be cross with me yesterday. He insists that its all over and that there is nothing going on anymore. I challenged him as he said I don't know how to react cause I change with how you feel so much (which is true). He's had to go into a meeting now and will phone later.

I also asked him why he couldn't phone her or text her in front of me which he couldn't do when asked after NYE.Had agreed to but after making such a meal of it got upset and told him if he couldn't it was all I needed to know. He had said it was detrimental and had been dealt with before. I said that he should be regretting that decision as that would have meant so much.

I am sitting here crying because I do such stupid irrational things and shoouldn't have phoned him cause I've made it worse. I don't want him to hate me if he really is telling the truth. I don't know what is the truth anymore.

The truth is that he is not doing enough to save your relationship

You can't do it all by yourself

The truth is you are upset and confused, and he is refusing to do the things that would make you feel more secure

The truth is that you don't, and cannot, trust him

He is minimising your feelings, and worse, making them your fault

The most worrying part of this, is that you are taking the blame and making it your fault

It isn't your fault

Who cares what he thinks of you now ? What about your opinion of him ? He is the cheater here, remember that.

I am afraid I can't post any more on your thread, because I think the bottom line here is that you are so terrified of losing him, you will swallow anything.

And will continue to do so. I am so sorry x

Right, so let me get this straight. After the NYE love texts, you asked him to speak to the OW in your presence or show you a text and he refused? His excuse was that this would be "detrimental". To whom or what exactly?

This little vignette demonstrates that he was still putting her feelings before yours.
You have no closure whatsoever and I'm afraid as long as they remain working together, you won't.

You don't know what's the truth any more because he still lies to you. When he does that, he puts the responsibility back onto you for disrupting the recovery process. Having had a tearful phone call from you now, I just bet he's thinking "FFS, when will this end?"

Not for a long time - and he'd better get used to it, that is if you stay with him.

I'm not sure what to advise you about talking to people. Sometimes RL people have their own agendas about advising women to put up with more than they should. That could make you feel worse, not better. However, it's a tricky balance because all the while this is being contained in a bubble, your H hasn't had to face any approbation about his actions, apart from yours.

Keep posting here. I really do try to be balanced and fair about affair recovery and as you know, think it's possible under certain conditions. However, if I think a faithless spouse is still lying and hasn't taken full responsibility, I will tell you how I see it.

Thankyou AF. I know your take on things. I wish I had your balls. I don't seem to have any at the moment!

WWIFN - He was very panicky about this. Walked around the room, had a shower, made a coffee and in the end I said that he shouldn't bother if he put her first. He spent the whole day apologising.Saying it wouldbe unpicking the scab. I have,however continued to quote this when we have had a set back.

I don't have closure I know. He did however discuss yesterday when I asked him about herand her situation(she is married with family) and said if she asked you to leave cause she left her DH what would you say? He said I would say no cause the whole thing hasn't been real and it would never last and constantly repeated all I want is you and our lovely DCs.

I must go and do dog and do something today. I don't know what to do. Don't feel want to speak to anyone in RL. How do I play it when he gets home? I'm not sure how to move on after such a crap couple of days. Work tomorrow and that looking v hard a mo. need to keep busy I guess.

look after yourself, sweetheart x

Does her H know about the affair?

Not that I know of. He says they never discussed the future or made any plans.

My DH mentioned her a couple of times when they worked together 3 or 4 years ago and said he thought she was having an affair with another colleague and and before that also mentioned he was concerned she was talking to a ex schoolfreind on friends re united as if she was single.

holdingittogether, your DH sounds exactly like mine, I guess it's the crappy situation of them convincing themselves they were "in love" with their OWs. Boak.

Your DH, even if he isn't still seeing her, even if he is doing and saying all the right things, probably isn't completely detached from her yet, there are probably still feelings kicking around. If he were fully commiting to you and doing everything in his power to make things right with you, then I think you would feel it.

I know mine still wasn't able to say last week (12 weeks from discovery) that he didn't love or want OW. He's regretting that now because he's had a complete turn around in the last few days, on his knees, crying, begging to stay but actually now I'm the one who has had enough, and am closer than I've ever been to calling time on this. Your H should know he runs the risk of you pulling away too.

Hi Robberbutton,

I've thought the same when I've read your threads. Somehow the words typed can portray a selfish, unkind individual but my DH isn't as horrid and complex as all that. I really do think he is an'anything for an easy life' kind of bloke. I agree he prob isn't detached completely but has a very business approach to it which is that he has cut that part of his life out and that is all dealt with.I'm aware that this would be dangerous where she's concerned but he is very like that. He's an out and out businessman at work.In that environment anyway.

He has just been on the phone again telling me he is coming home and that he understands that we have to go through this but that there is no contact going on and hasn't been.
he agrees that his trip away and not knowing that she was coming sounds unlikely but that he wouldn't put himself into that situation on purpose, infact would always avoid that.He wants me to tell him how else he can help. Wants to go through CC statements this eve as his only other form of finance I don't have access to (must ack about other acc!)

He can't do enough at the moment. Still not sure.

I hope you can hang in there cause it sounds compared to other people that we have been doing alright considering. Like you I want it to work and kind of believe he does too. He definatly hates hearing me upset and so I think these wobbles are hitting home in what he has nearly lost.Forgot what you said. Are you doing counselling or not? DH wants to cancel his single app and make it a joint one this week. Not sure if I'm riding too much on this being a solution?

Hi holding

Have you or your husband had your sexual health checked?

Please do so, even if he used protection with her it is not 100% effective and if as you say he thought she was messing around with another work colleague and someone on line (and maybe in real life).

That is 2 extra people PLUS her husband minimum who you have no idea about their sexual history!!!

You need to make it clear to him that this needs to be done and how much he has risked your health/life being a selfish dick without all the emotional betrayal!

How the hell can you be over that sort of betrayal in such a short space of time!!

you seem to have got into a place where you blame yourself for his behaviour and actions.

you're worth more than this

worried what he thinks of you? what do you think of *him??

he is the cheater, he ruined the relationship, he expects 2 months prbabtion after adultery? he's taking the mickey

and for the phone issue, tell him straight well I would maybe I'm too cut and dry.

"you text her or phone her again you're out,'

if he wants to have secret little texts, and meeting he can do it in his own bachelor pad, sorry if im OTT affairs/cheating makes me so angry ultimate act of selfishness (well one of them)

Bloody hell holdingitogether I could have written this myself about my situation . My H has just completely derailed our 'recovery' because I dared to have a night where I had a massive wobble about trust, (caused by a combination of him talking about upcoming travel plans and some bloody woman posting on his facebook page - who he admitted he'd been flirty with, although she is not his OW). So my huge wobble turned into his version of 'he doesn't want to end up in a life with a wife who is obsessed with searching for something'. he has been utterly withdrawn now for 3 days and has totally changed his mind about how we should deal with this.

Anyway, sorry didn't mean to go on, just wanted to say you are not the only one in this situation, and I share your feelings of misery and exhaustion. I want to find the quickest way out of this misery, even if it means divorce. Hence my namechange from NotSoParanoidThen to amicable, and subsequent thread about amicable divorce. There is only so much of this shit that someone can take.

I wouldn't be able to trust that your H didn't know that the OW would be at the works do btw, sounds highly unlikely to me I'm afraid.

Take care, sorry you are feeling so shit x

Thanks everyone.
Amicable - I guess I'm not there yet. I want to fight for this still at the mo.I feel
he is putting in alot when I question everything and yesterday said he had been thinking about moving his job if I would feel better about things. I'm not sure he would get anything like the security of this one so have to think about that. He also tells me so regularly I'm all he wants. I know this is so easy but he says it with such meaning.

I still feel the need to ask him questions and feel vulnerable still the moment I really feel close to him. Good old Shirley G. I know this is normal! Should have broached these yesterday but felt so right so quickly when he got home didn't have the energy to discuss them. Hence a thoughtful and anxious a.m on my part which I realise confused him again. I change with the wind and hate it like you.

We are going to discuss the ins and outs of the affair in counselling as feel we can then try to contain it somehow and make it pro-active.

I'm going to discuss the do and other things since discovery later with him. Need for him to address some issues I need to check about after discovery.Need to know he has been honest.

Have you tried councelling?

If you're going to rely on the counselling to discuss the details about the affair, I fear that will be a mistake. You'd be reliant on a very skilled counsellor who appreciated the necessity to do that and sadly, many of them baulk from discussing the details, preferring to focus on the relationship before and after the affair.

I wonder why you feel you need a third party present to ask those questions? I get the feeling you're scared to show your anger and your pain to your H; a sense of you not wanting to "spoil things" when the mood is good?

The more distance there is from the events you need to question, the less likelihood there is of the truth, partly because your H might be lying and minimising still and if this goes on too long, because he genuinely won't be able to remember (or it could seem plausible to have amnesia).

Have a think about your right to know - and the possible effects of you continuing with the nagging doubt that you were still being lied to after discovery.