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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Childbirth imminent and DH being a complete git- any advice please

44 replies

debka · 30/01/2011 20:06

So, I'm being induced with 2nd DC on Tuesday, and DH is being an utter utter git. It's not been the easiest pg, have had SPD and baby is BIG, plus we have a 22mo DD. He has been in the foulest mood for the last week and has had as little as possible to do with me and DD. I've had almost one hospital appointment a day, and after he came with me to one and made me cry, he was so angry and awful, I've not let him come to any others. He has not looked after DD, I've had to ask my mum or aunt- both of whom have cancer- to do that. He hasn't once asked how the appts have gone, and when I tell him all he does is moan about the drs.

Now I'm being induced he has got even worse. When I asked him about it he said he is not looking forward to the baby coming because of the disruption to HIS life, plus the 'sitting around' for two days whilst I am induced. I have tried to point out that I need him to be supportive etc ATM but he just ignores that. All he is concerned about right now is sorting out the software for his new video recorder. He hasn't asked how I feel about it or offered to help with anything (I still do all the cooking, washing, cleaning and 90% of caring for DD).

How do I deal with this? WE do love each other, really, but I need more from him than this! I don't know whether to lay down the law and just demand that pulls himself together, or whether to look a bit deeper- he's obviously not coping with the idea of being a dad again. Advice please but be gentle, he is a good father and although he isn't the greatest at showing it, I know he loves me, and I love him too.

Thanks for getting through this!

OP posts:
Herecomesthesciencebint · 30/01/2011 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

defineme · 30/01/2011 20:20

Honestly?

I'd move out temporarily and ask someone to be my birth partner.

I'd write him a letter clearly outlining how much stress I was under re health/family/work and how that made me feel. I'd refer to our marriage vows and ask for his support. I'd say I appreciate he's worried about more responsibility, but this is his child as much as mine and we have to be a team or we'll fall apart. Does he want dd to have a broken family?

I'm not sure if I could forgive this tbh-he must be outstanding the rest of the time and I'd be hoping this was some kind of mental breakdown that he'd be able to get out of-maybe he needs to go to the doctors? Because if this was a genuine part of his personality I'd be putting my exit plan together.

If it were me in the same state as you my dh would be doing all the cooking/cleaning whatever when he got home from work and caring for dd every minute he could. He'd take time off work and hold my hand/stick up for me at all the drs appointments. That's not amazing-it's just decent and human and I suspect what you'd do-why are you worth less?

EveryonesJealousOfGingers · 30/01/2011 20:22

I'm really sorry but I'm with thesciencebint - he is bang out of order.

Anyway, sounds like you want more practical advice so I second the suggestion of asking a friend to be your birth partner, or hiring a doula - they can support you through the birth itself and many provide postnatal care - which could include looking after DD1 and doing housework etc while you are with your new baby.

From your description it sounds like he's not going to be much help after the birth and if your Mum and Aunt are poorly it might be difficult for them to help.

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 20:22

On the face of it, I agree he's being an utter arse. Is this totally out of character? How did he make you cry!?

He will have to get on with it though. Two children suddenly becomes "all hands on deck" in a way it isn't with one DC

AnyFucker · 30/01/2011 20:23

are you really asking for honest opinions ?

I would tell him to fuck off, tbh

why are you tolerating this fuckhead behaviour?

do you not have enough on your plate ?

he loves you really ?

he isn't showing it

I would ask him to leave until he could show it, the selfish twat

coldtits · 30/01/2011 20:25

I'd tell him to move out, and get someone else to be your birth partner or just don't have one. It would be better.

PorkChopSter · 30/01/2011 20:28

Ask him to go, and hire a doula. Hire a doula either way.

Where's the nobbishness coming from? Is it displacement? Is he worried about work?

To be honest though it doesn't matter why, he's ruining this last time with just DD, your pregnancy, and showing you how little you man to him. And you need to tell him that.

tigerbear · 30/01/2011 20:28

Totally agree with defineme - not sure I could forgive this. I honestly don't understand why he is being so vile to you. You mention that you love each other - IMO, he doesn't sound very loving towards you, sorry.

And sorry to say this too, but a good father doesn't ignore his wifes requests for help, then let his ill MIL and your aunt look after DD. Why isn't he capable of looking after your DD, FFS?

I'm really sad for you.

PinkiePoo · 30/01/2011 20:30

debka I have to agree. His behaviour is unexcusable.

If he really loves you, then he needs to start showing and quick. Issues or no issues with becoming a dad again, your needs HAVE to come first right now. You have to go through all this, and he has to 'sit around'.

It is so hard, but you have to lay the law down, please try not to get stressed, you need to preserve some energy, but he needs a threat thrown his way.

Sorry, just being honest xx

balloonballs · 30/01/2011 20:31

You are being way too "understanding" with him here you know.

I can see that you may not be in a place to ask him to leave at the moment, but you have to tell him too get a grip and cop himself on. You should not be in a position of having to excuse his twatish behaviour to you.

susiedaisy · 30/01/2011 20:32

is this how he normally behaves when he is stressed or very worried about something, or is he like this alot of ther time anyway?

bb99 · 30/01/2011 20:33

Has he got any idea why he's being so flamming unreasonable?

Agree about getting another birth partner - my DH was an arse unhelpful person after DC2 was born, so this time around I told him he wasn't welcome for the labour and he really woke up at that point and actually started making an effort...

Leave him with DD for the induction.

Get another birthing partner - the hospital can call him and DD when the baby is imminent, or just as it arrives, they are usually really helpful...

Try to have a discussion about both of your expectations for after the birth ie what he needs to do.

Hire a cleaner once a week for the next 2 months at least.

Find a good source of ready meals for after the birth that DD and you can eat.

Go on strike and stop doing his washing / cooking etc (a difficult one and quite confrontational in a passive way...)

Hope things settle down soon and he realises what he has to loose!

Good luck with your induction!

CoraMackenzie · 30/01/2011 20:36

So you are about to give birth, you have another child under 2yrs and your mother has cancer and your so called 'partner' is complaining about his life? Selfish tosser!

FakePlasticTrees · 30/01/2011 20:36

Men don't show you how much they love you on romantic dates or when things are easy and going well, they show you how much they love you when things are tough and stressful. They show you how much they love you by their behaviour when you need them.

You need him now, is he showing you he loves you?

Rorogeorge · 30/01/2011 20:45

Is his behaviour out of character? Maybe he is very stressed about the lack of control over his life right now, but this does not excuse being vile to you. If you can, go on strike/stay out of his way/make no demands on him/ignore him, hopefully he will come to his sense very soon as this kind of behaviour is very destructive.

earlgreyismynectar · 30/01/2011 20:53

I feel sad for you Debka & what you've been putting up with. I have to agree with everyone here though appreciate that you don't need any stress right now which a necessary confrontation would bring. Still, the priority is Tuesday seeing you relaxed and in a position of trust with your birth partner. I agree that he is not best placed to be that person right now. Perhaps you telling him that you can't have him with you for all of the reasons you've listed will shock him to his senses? This is his child too and even if there are other areas of stress in his life (I can relate to that in my DP too) still there is no excuse for him treating you (& DD) in this way and at this time. I fully appreciate that he's a good dad (though oughtn't he be stepping up to the mark re childcare?) & that you love each other but really he isn't showing much of that towards you right now. I would seriously ask a close friend / sister / your mum to be your birth partner and explain to him that you are at your most vulnerable right now and as he has shown that he cannot be there for you then you cannot have him there. His reaction and response to that should be the deciding factor. I really hope he sees how selfish he's being and steps up for you at this time. Try to focus on Tuesday being as perfect as it can be and your beautiful baby at the other side of it all x

Original poster
debka · 30/01/2011 20:54

Thanks for all your honest replies and sympathy.

Yes, this is how he tends to behave when stressed or worried. He isn't a demonstrative man but it has really degenerated and I don't remember him ever being this bad.

You are all right, he is being a total arse and should treat me better, but I want HIM with me for the birth and induction. He was super last time.

rorogeorge ignoring and making no demands is my usual tactic but it doesn't appear to be working at all. I think you are right and I have to lay the law down- he may have a good sulk for a while but hopefully he'll realise how serious I am.

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 30/01/2011 20:58

I agree with what most people have said, this is really not on.

I would try a good talk with him but if he won't see sense I would consider telling him to bugger off and come back when he can be vaguely human and kind/supportive.

Definitely get a doula

A1980 · 30/01/2011 21:52

Do you mind me asking: was the 2nd baby planned or was it a surprise baby?

knittakid · 30/01/2011 22:31

Oh Debka so sorry you are going through this!

As most people have said, you need to be relaxed and focused on Tuesday and your baby. Can you talk to him and explain all this simply but precisely to him? he might not have realized he's panicking (am not defending him, I just know I very often lack self-knowledge) or that he's hurting you, and since he's not responding to your subtle tactics it seems he just needs to have things spelled out for him.

I do hope he comes round, and if he doesn't, then you deserve better.

mamas12 · 30/01/2011 22:40

I would kick him in the nuts to start with, just to make him focus iyswim.

Then he needs the 'talk' I would also definitaley hire a doula to come with you as well as your dh. He really doesn't sound as if he would as reliable as last time.
So sorry you're going through this you don't bloody need it do you.

darleneconnor · 30/01/2011 22:41

Get a doula/another birth partner.

Give him an ultimatum and a deadline to improve.

I dont see how he can really love you yet treat you like this. Do you have low expectations of what love is?

PDR · 30/01/2011 22:47

debka so sorry he is being an arse. You do not need this at all :(

I agree that you need to be honest with him - tell him you can't continue like this and he needs to get his act together. You never know it might be enough to get him into gear esp seeing as you say he was so good last time.

I don't know your financial situation but I would hire in as much help as you can get. Cleaner is a good suggestion as you must be bloody shattered doing almost everything, with a 22mo and being 9 months pregnant.

The mere suggestion of hiring a doula might make him see how much of a git he is being...

MadAboutQuavers · 30/01/2011 23:34

His behaviour is disgraceful, and you are being too understanding

You can't make someone behave decently, unfortunately

I'd read him the riot act. Then tell him to leave and get another birth partner if he doesn't pull his socks up FAST

freshmint · 30/01/2011 23:36

What was your last birth experience like? Sounds to me like he might be frightened. Did you have a bad time last time?

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