Childbirth imminent and DH being a complete git- any advice please

[debka]

So, I'm being induced with 2nd DC on Tuesday, and DH is being an utter utter git. It's not been the easiest pg, have had SPD and baby is BIG, plus we have a 22mo DD. He has been in the foulest mood for the last week and has had as little as possible to do with me and DD. I've had almost one hospital appointment a day, and after he came with me to one and made me cry, he was so angry and awful, I've not let him come to any others. He has not looked after DD, I've had to ask my mum or aunt- both of whom have cancer- to do that. He hasn't once asked how the appts have gone, and when I tell him all he does is moan about the drs.

Now I'm being induced he has got even worse. When I asked him about it he said he is not looking forward to the baby coming because of the disruption to HIS life, plus the 'sitting around' for two days whilst I am induced. I have tried to point out that I need him to be supportive etc ATM but he just ignores that. All he is concerned about right now is sorting out the software for his new video recorder. He hasn't asked how I feel about it or offered to help with anything (I still do all the cooking, washing, cleaning and 90% of caring for DD).

How do I deal with this? WE do love each other, really, but I need more from him than this! I don't know whether to lay down the law and just demand that pulls himself together, or whether to look a bit deeper- he's obviously not coping with the idea of being a dad again. Advice please but be gentle, he is a good father and although he isn't the greatest at showing it, I know he loves me, and I love him too.

Thanks for getting through this!

It was a planned pregnancy, but I think the reality of it is just hitting home for him. He is self employed and I am a SAHM and we only just manage day to day, so hiring any help would unfortunately be out of the question, but as I said, I don't want a doula, I want my husband with me, just not like he is at the moment!

My mum is taking DD to playgroup tomorrow so I will sit him down and have a talk with him. Am considering showing him people's responses on here, although he'd probably just end up fuming. Again. Sigh.

freshmint don't think he's frightened- he's not thinking of me but himself. And last birth was fine.

Ah debka so sorry, this ant what you need. Agree with many comments on here about telling him straight, but always easier said than done. Don't show him the comments on here though, they might rile him up even more. Just point out the effect his behaviour is having on you, ask him if he is doing it deliberately, does he realise, why would he do that when you know he loves you etc so that it's a non accusatory discussion that won't back him into a corner, but will make him shape up hopefully. Good luck

So sad you are going through this at the moment. Tell him how hurt he is making you feel and how great he was last time. I really hope you get it sorted out before Tuesday otherwise I would just tell him to drop you off at the hospital, take some magazines with you and tell him you'll see him when it's on its way. Best wishes. x

sounds horrible.

mention you think you'll ask someone to be there (and actually ask someone to be on stand by in case he doesn't up his game) and then see how he reacts. Maybe that will make him realise what a arse he is being.

Right, well I think I've cracked it. He got up v early this morning and 5 mins later was violently throwing up from the pain of his cluster migraine. He then admitted he'd been suffering from them for the last week at least (he gets these sporadically). It really sheds a lot of light on his horrible selfish behaviour- he has been in pain all this time! Why on earth he said nothing I don't know.

Thank you again for all your kind words (esp feb ladies!), as well as your honest ones.

Hmmm ... take care of yourself Debka. I really hope for your sake that it is the migraine causing him to be foul and that it's not just a convenient excuse (whether they're real or not) to deflect from his disgusting behaviour of late.

I suffer badly from migraine too and yep, the pain can be excrutiating - plus throwing up, blurred vision, dizzyness etc etc. but whilst I may not be the most sparkling of conversationalists during that time and have less patience generally, and can indeed be fit for almost nothing in a bad attack, I've never been quite so revolting as he has to anyone else and can't imagine why, even if he was in pain, this would cause him to launch into a diatribe about how HIS life is going to apparently be so rotten once the new baby's here. In any case, why the hell hasn't he sought help if this has been going on for a week ? Why would he suffer in silence ? Sorry to be sceptical ... I don't doubt the sickness this morning was genuine but maybe he's seized upon that as a handy excuse for the last 7 days.

I guess "at least" he's acknowledged his appalling behaviour - or has he ? (or is it you attributing it to his migraine ? ) Has he actually apologised to you ?

He needs to start talking to you. Not telling you he had a migraine was ridiculous

Debka can you talk to him anyway? whatever the reason for his behaiviour you still neet to sort through the feelings that have been acumulating lately, even if it is to laught together about how silly you've both been by not talking, etc (not saying that that's the case, but as an example). That way you both get the air cleared and perhaps it will help in the future to remind him to talk to you about how he's feeling. I just suggest this because i know that if I've been upset I need to express it and talk about it, even if it's no longer relevant.

I think this will make both of you be in a better state of mind for the arrival of the baby.

It's so easy to give advice eh?

I'm not sure that's really a good enough excuse. He can be in pain and supportive at the same time. Please address your worries with him.

Still sounds horrible TBH - I'm not sure I'd believe it was the migraines. You said yourself, he's a lot worse than he's ever been.

yes, I agree. The arrival of DC2 put a lot of strain on us (we had a toddler too). You are tired all the time, you have to really use all the reserves of goodwill you have accumulated over the course of your relationship - you have to try and be grown up and not compete about who is the tiredest, and just get on with sharing the load. This all sounds a bit grim, but talking and being honest will help you get through it.

all's well that ends well

hi Debka

just popped over from Feb thread.

has your DH got medication he can take for the migraines, or how else can he prevent/treat them? just a bit concerned as to what happens if it continues/recurs. It must be awful for him and assuming that it is the migraines that have caused his behaviour, he needs to make sure it doesnt happen again.

good luck for the induction (tomorrow - eek?)

waves to debka from feb thread

Just wanted to say I have no advice but I really hope to sorts his ideas out and that you get on well tomorrow with the induction - make sure you let us feb ladies know how you get on.

Just a wondering - was he ever like this when you were pg with DD? Maybe he's nervous/anxious about DC no2 and can't express his emotions decently (not that that excuses his behaviour in any way of course - he is being a PITA).

just read the whole thread and glad things (hopefully) seem to be explained by migraine - fingers crossed for things perking up all around in the debka household this week.

Sorry, with a migraine, you haven't got the energy to be a nasty, uncaring, selfish twatbag.

I think, all things considered, that he'll be worse when the baby arrives.

I would plan the birth without him, this is as a result of his behaviour and therefore his decision so do not think that you can't do that to him.

Migraine....jeez, you can't speak let alne be a wanker.

Still OP you seem happy, I'm sure his apology was full and without limits and he's reassured you that his wankish behaviour will not be returning.