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Original poster

does/did your partner help with baby during the night?

69 replies

sotough · 30/01/2011 19:56

I am wondering how often most dads of young babies help out with night feeds/settling baby during night etc.
I am currently on maternity leave with a four week old DD.
Me and DD sleep in a separate room so that DH has a decent uninterrupted sleep. he does the last feed of the day at 11pm; and then doesn't see us again until he gets up around 7.30/8am. Once a week he is willing to do a whole night of feeds (usually one at 2.30am and then 6am.) so i can have a break. He reckons this is more than most working blokes do, when their wives are on maternity leave. I'd be interested to know if he's right?

OP posts:

PorkChopSter · 30/01/2011 20:21

I BF. In the first few weeks DH would collect baby from cot, do nappy changes after a feed, and return to cot (post-natal SPD). Later on he'd still do fetching as is a lighter sleeper so wakes first. Sometimes we do the nudging and "its your turn" but mostly he does 50% if not more. I even swapped sides of the bed so he's closest to the door

He may be paid a salary for his job but I'm still working, and they are his kids.

taurean · 30/01/2011 20:21

I think I was fairly lucky, I did the 11pm ish feed and then got up for the early feed (my DH leaves at 5.30 for work) but he always did any feeds in between - normally around 3/4am. Once they dropped the 3am feed he did the 11pm one and now they're older and we both work I get a lie in on a Sat and DH on a Sun - suits us both!

I don't get the argument about a full day at work, I think in the first few months being at home all day can be more tiring than at work especially when you can't always even get a cup of coffee drunk before it's cold!

mummysmadhouse · 30/01/2011 20:22

Have 3dcs 2nd two i have bf for quite a while ds is now 10mth and still waking and still bf!

DH has never done a night feed...im considering moving to bottles as im really tired but not sure dh would do a night feed if i did...or not on a regular basis.

defineme · 30/01/2011 20:25

Honestly? If your dd is only getting up at 2.30 (sorry but 6 is the start of the day for me) then no I don't think it's a bad system in place. Last feed means you can go to bed early. Sounds fair. My dh did the same, but I stayed in our room with kids and he decided if he wanted to sleep elsewhere as and when.Are you maybe feeling a bit lonely cos of the separate rooms?

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 20:26

Mine did 50/50 with me with DS1. I did more (probably 70%) with DS2 - DH just didn't seem to wake up as quickly as me (!). Oh how I loved those middle-of-the-night arguments ......

nemofish · 30/01/2011 20:27

Dh did every night feed with dd. He worked from 2pm up to around 9pm to he could sleep in until lunch the next day.

I have never done a night feed, just the early mornings!

NonnoMum · 30/01/2011 20:27

sotough - congrats on your beautiful new baby (lovely newborn envy emoticon)

I'm guessing by your name that you are finding it hard going. I think it's fair to say that most people do. And both you and your DH will have to adjust to being new parents.

My DH didn't help much at night when I was bfeeding, but sometimes I just had to insist on him helping me out if I felt like I was going to fall apart.

However, he did come in and cook a nice meal whilst I sat on the sofa eating as much as I possibly could with one hand...

Another thing you could suggest he does is take the baby from 7pm - 11pm (ish? depending on feeds etc) and then you can take a leisurely bath or even get some sleep in to prop you up for the night. I found that if I got at least some sleep then, then I could cope with the broken nights.

It sounds like he might need to raise his game a little. Not necessarily through the night, but you might both have to be a bit more creative in how you help each other define your new roles...

Good luck. It does get easier. And remind him, you are still getting over the birth and need to take things easy physically.

susiedaisy · 30/01/2011 20:29

i think he is being very reasonable to be honest he is doing alot more than most men i know, but then maybe i ought to get out more,

Meglet · 30/01/2011 20:33

XP never helped at night, or the mornings even if we were ill. One of the many reasons he is my xp.

pipsy76 · 30/01/2011 20:35

co-sleep it will change your life ! (disclaimer please follow all safety guidelines)

stropicana2011 · 30/01/2011 20:35

DD1 - DH got up more than me and went to work next day. I'm actually about that.

DD2 - first few months I breastfed so he just did the last fed (she had a bottle once in 24 hours, IYSWIM) then it was probably half and half.

DD3 - I did it all until she was 18 months old, partly because EBFing, DH works really long hours now and I do actually think it is unfair if the other person has work. (used to be a bit immature and selfish )

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 30/01/2011 20:36

Probably about 50/50 with us. DH wouldn't have dreamt of sleeping in the spare room. I personally find that very odd and quite cold.

stropicana2011 · 30/01/2011 20:39

I have to disagree. At least when you are home you may have some chance of rest- even if it is just when you are feeding the baby.

susiedaisy · 30/01/2011 20:39

meglet yeap same here as well!

Mirabelle77 · 30/01/2011 20:41

My ds is 15 weeks , when I was bf dh would do all nappy changes, and then when ff he did every other feed at night, now ds gets his bottle at 10 and usually sleeps until 5/6 when dh up for work anyway. If you need more help he should be supporting you more, who cares what other men do, you are not in a relationship with other men.

COCKadoodledooo · 30/01/2011 20:42

Dh was working away when ds2 was born, and for the first 9 months of his life, so he was only here at weekends anyway. When he was here I'd decamp to the sofabed for one night and leave him with the chuffing nightmare baby who didn't sleep night feeding duty.

I never changed a nappy at the weekends either

Violethill · 30/01/2011 20:43

While mine were bf, I did all the night feeds and nappy changes- I was also on maternity leave at this point, so was happy to take responsibility for this. Not because I think being at home with young children is easy (by the time I had newborn dc3, plus two pre-schoolers my maternity leave was pretty busy!). However, while you're at home, you don't have the pressure of having to be up, smartly dressed and being professional all day. Once I'd got the eldest to nursery, it didn't matter if I slobbed around in pjs and knocked up sandwiches for lunch.

Once I was back at work 3 days, DH took an equal share in any night wakings when we both had to be up in the morning, and I did the two non-working ones. Weekends were always split.

COCKadoodledooo · 30/01/2011 20:46

I bf too btw. And we coslept. Definitely easier.

Just on the weekends for that one night he would have expressed milk or formula. And cosleeping needn't be forever as some may think.

yama · 30/01/2011 20:48

I am ebf ds who is 5 months old. When ds wakes for a feed I lift him into bed and feed him lying down. Dh then puts him back into cot and will deal with any subsequent settling.

We have always done this. We have one lie-in each at the weekend although dh has offered me both mornings if I want them. Nice to know.

He wouldn't dream of sleeping in another room.

When I go back to work it will be 50/50 (as it was with dd). Actually he may do more than me because he is better at settling them.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/01/2011 20:59

DH has always helped with nights.

DS wouldn't latch when he was born, so night feeds were a hell of expressing, cup-feeding, screaming, pacing etc.
Even when he was back at work DH would wake with me, get DS, sort out the steriliser etc etc, and I suppose we just kept on.
Sometimes he would sleep in the spare room if he had a long drive the next day or something like that, but otherwise he would be in our bed and would therefore wake.

DS is now 2, and DH gets up with him in the mornings so that I can have a lie-in (I'm 32 weeks pg), and he does pretty much all the nappies when he's at home.

He is planning to help out with nights again with this baby.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 30/01/2011 21:00

Even though I will BF again - it is more for moral support than anything :)

Tortington · 30/01/2011 21:01

dh worked nights and slept days

Bunnyjo · 30/01/2011 21:03

DD was bf and would not take a bottle of expressed milk the stubborn little madam... So I did ALL the night feeds until she slept through (which wasn't until she was over a year old). DH worked long hours (13+ a day) and I didn't think it fair to ask him to help at night when he was working the next day. But, on weekends, he would do the night time nappy changes so that I could basically feed DD and go straight back to sleep, which did really help.

To be honest I would have killed for loved a full nights sleep once a week - I am pregnant with DC2 and I will do everything in my power to make sure he can take a bottle of expressed milk on a night, so I can have at least 3hrs uninterrupted sleep and maybe, just maybe a full night once in a while... Well, that's the plan anyway!

GnomeDePlume · 30/01/2011 21:07

As I went back to work quickly after all three of my DCs we always shared the night feeds. The way we worked it was that we had one night on and one night off. This meant that whoever was on did all the feeds for that night. The reward was having the next night off completely. I would highly recommend this approach.

marzipananimal · 30/01/2011 21:13

I am breastfeeding so he can't completely give me a night off but while he was on paternity leave (and I was really struggling with bf) he'd wake up and stay awake with me through the long feeds and do any nappy changes etc. After he went back to work he had some nights in the spare room but is always willing to help if I'm struggling and (for example) ds needs a change of clothes. Just recently (ds is 5 months old) I slept in the spare room for 2 nights and DH was in charge of settling ds and brought him to me when he needed feeding. Was lovely and much needed as ds has been waking loads recently.
I think I am lucky :)
But I also think all Dads should be as willing to help

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