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Original poster

Trapped in crap marriage

46 replies

existenceisfutile · 30/01/2011 18:35

Have namechanged. dh has taken early retirement. I work part time.

He is so bad tempered and irritable. I have full responsibility for the house and dcs. He does a bit of cooking and brings the coal in and that's it. He spends the rest of his time acting hard done to and going on the computer.

We have separate bank accounts and I give him £200 a month towards the utility bills. I pay for the council tax, food, clothes for the dcs, hobbies, trips out, etc.

He doesn't do very much housework, but occasionally puts the vacuum around. He cooks a few times a week. I feel totally resentful that I have so much of the responsibility and go out to work. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around the house.

I get up early each morning and make him a cup of tea and he stays in bed whilst I go around getting the dcs ready and tidying up etc.

I feel like screaming Angry We never have sex because I resent him so much and can't be bothered. It hurt so much last time that we had to give up. I was tense and feel uncomfortable and embarrassed if we do ever do it.

I can't afford to leave and set up on my own. I've seriously considered it but I just wouldn't be able to manage it financially. I don't want to meet anybody else so I thought I'd just stick it out. I don't expect much from a relationship. We don't have any romance or stuff but normally get on okay apart from at the moment. He has had a little bit of stress but nothing bad.

I don't think he realises that if he helped a bit more around the house then perhaps I might feel a bit better towards him. I can't have sex with someone I resent so much. It's like he'd rather have his eyes poked out with a rusty fork than do the washing up. He's also a bit passive aggressive over a few things. If I stand up to him he just goes bananas and is really unpleasant. I think he feels guilty over how much I do and then takes it out on me if I do challenge him.

I've considered counselling but don't know if he'd agree to it as he's quite a private person and wouldn't want to discuss personal things with a stranger.

I am a feminist at heart and believe things should be equal between men and women but am having to live in a way that is contrary to my basic beliefs. It's so uncomfortable and unpleasant.

I know I should leave him but life would be impossible if I did so I don't know what to do. He can be very nice but can't help feeling that he's taking the piss out of me by being this way. He complains that he doesn't get any "me time" when in fact he does.

OP posts:
Maelstrom · 30/01/2011 18:41

"I can't afford to leave and set up on my own. I've seriously considered it but I just wouldn't be able to manage it financially. I don't want to meet anybody else so I thought I'd just stick it out. "

My sentiments exactly, 3 years ago. It has not been an easy ride but it was much easier than I ever expected.
And yes, despite the financial problems my life is easier, simpler, and far more fulfilling than when I was in an unhappy marriage.

Sort it (get some counselling) or leave it, but don't stay as you are, much less so if it is just for financial matters.

Violethill · 30/01/2011 18:46

What attracted you to him in the first place? You don't seem to have anything positive to say about him

If it's as bad as it sounds, you'd find a way of getting out. Why aren't you working full time, if you are worried about coping financially? Presumably he is looking after the children anyway, as he's retired, so there's nothing to stop you working more hours, building up a better pension, and basically planning your future

Besom · 30/01/2011 18:47

You say you don't think he realises - have you tried to talk to him about it?

I do agree with Maelstrom though that if you really don't want to stay in that relationship, finances should not be your main consideration.

I'm a product of parents who stayed together in these kind of circumstances and I've always thought I would split up rather than subject dc to sustained horrible tense atmosphere. I really think it affected all sorts of things about my confidence and relationships growing up (although my parents had the best intentions).

Original poster
existenceisfutile · 30/01/2011 18:47

I wouldn't be able to afford to rent or buy somewhere. I couldn't work my shifts because I'd have nobody to care for the dcs. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses but I really couldn't afford it. I could do it if I gave up the dcs but I don't want to do that Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
existenceisfutile · 30/01/2011 18:50

I couldn't face giving them up. If I left with them I'd only have about £1000 a month to live on and that would have to cover rent, utilities and bills. I wouldn't qualify for any state benefits. Rent would be about £400 a month plus council tax etc. I don't see how I could make ends meet on that income.

OP posts:
Violethill · 30/01/2011 18:51

Who cares for the dcs now then? I assumed it was your DH. Why shouldn't that continue, if you work full time? It wouldn't be 'giving up' your dcs! That's ridiculous. He is their father - they'd simply be spending that time with him. And they won't be small for long anyway - before long they'll be in school.
They won't thank you for remaining in an unhappy relationship for the rest of their life.

Original poster
existenceisfutile · 30/01/2011 18:53

I can't work full time because he doesn't like looking after his stepson (my eldest). He complains when I'm out at work as it is and nothing gets done around the house.

If I left him he wouldn't look after my son whilst I was at work.

OP posts:
Violethill · 30/01/2011 18:56

If he resents looking after your eldest son, and would refuse to do it if you left, what the hell are you doing leaving the child in his care at the moment?

I would be organising and paying for childcare from someone who did actually want to be with my child. Hmm

This sounds like a dreadful situation and I would be getting the hell out, by whatever means.

Original poster
existenceisfutile · 30/01/2011 18:59

My shifts start at 7:30 in the morning and finish at 9pm at night so childcare isn't an option. They are both at school but it's the early mornings and late evenings that are a problem. He tolerates my son whilst I'm at work but complains about him all the time. I don't have any relatives in the area. This is why I feel trapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
existenceisfutile · 30/01/2011 19:00

He's crashing and banging his way around the house at the moment. I just want to go to bed. He's a bloody shithead.

OP posts:
Violethill · 30/01/2011 19:01

A childminder would certainly do the early morning bit, before school, and would easily do after school until, say 6 or 7. That would at least cut down the time you are leaving your child in the care of someone who complains about him all the time.

TBH that's what I find most shocking. Why did you marry and have more children with a man who actively dislikes your child? Hmm

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 19:02

This does sound like a very unhappy existence, but you don't mention anywhere that you have tried to talk to him frankly about it. Is this because of how you think he'd react?

Original poster
existenceisfutile · 30/01/2011 19:05

He wasn't like this when we got married. He was okay but just thinks that because he took redundancy from work and retired that he should be just pottering around having his damned "me time" instead of cooking and looking after the place whilst I'm out at work.

I can't talk to him because he'll just over react and go bananas and just start ranting and raving. I bite my tongue so much it's unreal. If I do challenge him I regret it so resolve not to bother in the future. I just feel like I'm treading water.

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 30/01/2011 19:06

I was trapped in a crap marriage too - but trust me you will manage financially. Check the figures on www.entiledto.org (think thats the addy, if not the google entitled to) put all your figures in there and it will tell you what you can get, you might be surprised - I was! I'm self employed and earn ok ish money which gets topped up with tax credits.

It's been a long road but I left 3.5 years ago and it's the best thing I ever did. Just go - you will manage one way or another.

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 19:06

And FWIW it does sound like he's taking the piss - getting you to think he feels just badly enough so you'll lay off him:

I think he feels guilty over how much I do and then takes it out on me if I do challenge him.

That's a choice right there he's making to not change his behaviour.

Original poster
existenceisfutile · 30/01/2011 19:07

He is a massive martyr and acts all hard done to if he's challenged in any way. He's so hard to talk to. I don't really like him at all anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
existenceisfutile · 30/01/2011 19:08

I will have a look at that website regarding the figures.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 19:08

I don't honestly know how you manage to be walking on eggshells all the time. I know someone in a marriage like this and she is ground down by it. The constant tension. No-one should have to live like that < states patently bleeding obvious >

atswimtwolengths · 30/01/2011 19:09

How old are the children now and how old was your son when you and your husband/partner (which is it?) started to live together?

What attracted you to this man? When did all that change?

How old are you now?

Did you feel he was happier when he was in work? Do you think he needs a routine and outside stimulation?

Violethill · 30/01/2011 19:09

I agree JLC - and the tension must be getting to the children too, particularly the eldest, being looked after by a step parent who so clearly resents it Sad

littlemisslost · 30/01/2011 19:09

I really feel for you and understand about the finances, its also a bit about failing isnt it!? nobody wants to break up a marriage or a family unit but if you really are that unhappy and can absolutely not see any future with him perhaps it would be better all round, why would you not qualify for any state help.... Tax Credits? and 2 x child benefit? do you have children together? would he pay maintenance?
Even if HE won't go for counselling I think you should anyway, just to help you deal with your feelings and frustrations because you must be... or soon will depressed living like this? Smile

lubeybooby · 30/01/2011 19:10

I should add it was the scariest... seriously terrifying, but also the BEST thing I have ever done. I didn't care when to start with I had bugger all, the joy of being away from him far outweighed it.

I had no internet for 4 weeks, no telly for ten days (aerial was knackered), no phone for 5 days. It was supermarket basics range all the way, AND it was over christmas so there was hardly anything present and food wise for that either. I had to rely on freecycle to get a sofa and a fridge.... and I was still soooo happy it just didn't matter. GO!

Original poster
existenceisfutile · 30/01/2011 19:11

I have antidepressants to help me cope. They normally make me feel okay and able to ignore stuff and stop chewing over it but he's been so vile lately that even they haven't been working.

It wasn't meant to be like this. I got away from my ex years ago. I don't really like men anymore. They just seem so difficult and unpleasant. Hard to live with.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 19:13

Following from what atswimtwolengths said, he could be suffering from depression - it does manifest itself in irritability, lack of motivation etc BUT then if he is he needs to be confronted with that, accept it, and take help to do what needs to be done to address it. He can't take it out on you and your DCs and it's not your job to fix him.

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 19:13

X post - with you existence - how ironic - you are the one on ADs!

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