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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Trapped in crap marriage

46 replies

existenceisfutile · 30/01/2011 18:35

Have namechanged. dh has taken early retirement. I work part time.

He is so bad tempered and irritable. I have full responsibility for the house and dcs. He does a bit of cooking and brings the coal in and that's it. He spends the rest of his time acting hard done to and going on the computer.

We have separate bank accounts and I give him £200 a month towards the utility bills. I pay for the council tax, food, clothes for the dcs, hobbies, trips out, etc.

He doesn't do very much housework, but occasionally puts the vacuum around. He cooks a few times a week. I feel totally resentful that I have so much of the responsibility and go out to work. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around the house.

I get up early each morning and make him a cup of tea and he stays in bed whilst I go around getting the dcs ready and tidying up etc.

I feel like screaming We never have sex because I resent him so much and can't be bothered. It hurt so much last time that we had to give up. I was tense and feel uncomfortable and embarrassed if we do ever do it.

I can't afford to leave and set up on my own. I've seriously considered it but I just wouldn't be able to manage it financially. I don't want to meet anybody else so I thought I'd just stick it out. I don't expect much from a relationship. We don't have any romance or stuff but normally get on okay apart from at the moment. He has had a little bit of stress but nothing bad.

I don't think he realises that if he helped a bit more around the house then perhaps I might feel a bit better towards him. I can't have sex with someone I resent so much. It's like he'd rather have his eyes poked out with a rusty fork than do the washing up. He's also a bit passive aggressive over a few things. If I stand up to him he just goes bananas and is really unpleasant. I think he feels guilty over how much I do and then takes it out on me if I do challenge him.

I've considered counselling but don't know if he'd agree to it as he's quite a private person and wouldn't want to discuss personal things with a stranger.

I am a feminist at heart and believe things should be equal between men and women but am having to live in a way that is contrary to my basic beliefs. It's so uncomfortable and unpleasant.

I know I should leave him but life would be impossible if I did so I don't know what to do. He can be very nice but can't help feeling that he's taking the piss out of me by being this way. He complains that he doesn't get any "me time" when in fact he does.

OP posts:

Original poster

existenceisfutile · 30/01/2011 19:14

the dcs are 6 and 12. We've lived together since my son was about 3.

He was like this when he was at work which is why I was happy for him to take the redundancy when it was offered. He's been reasonable since giving up work but is now like this again.

I did threaten to leave him years ago and he told me he wouldn't let me take ds2 (his son).

OP posts:

lubeybooby · 30/01/2011 19:15

I will also add I have the loveliest man in the world now. I've raved about him on the 'tell us about your amazing OH' thread.

From what you have said it sounds like you should go. Don't worry about money you WILL manage. It was hard for me for the couple of months, but things have got better and better since. Still not a champagne lifestyle or anything but perfectly doable/liveable.

Original poster

existenceisfutile · 30/01/2011 19:15

I've tried to get him to see the doctor to see if he is depressed. I'll broach the subject again because it's getting ridiculous.

OP posts:

lowercase · 30/01/2011 19:19

you could flee to a womans refuge.
you certainly have grounds to.
you would be entitled to benefits.

zookeeper · 30/01/2011 19:20

have you checked how much working families tax credit you would be entitled to if you were single? You would get help towards your childcare costs.

littlemisslost · 30/01/2011 19:26

I think once you have reached your limit you will just go......money etc etc will not stop you. Do you actually still love him but hate the way he behaves and what he become??? do you think that if he would accept counselling and admit there are problems that you might be abelt to make it work???
If the answer is YES then you need to make it black and white to him and say "either you get help and we work at this or I'm off" and MEAN it, if he laughs it off or doesnt believe you then GO!

I feel desperately unhappy sometimes and have thought about leaving and done the sums....looked at flats/small houses etc but then I know that a big part of me still loves him very much and appreciate the pressures we have had since we met and still have hope, the day I wake up and the hope has gone I will leave

Original poster

existenceisfutile · 30/01/2011 19:40

I suppose I love him. If anything happened to him I'd be upset. It's mainly the way he makes me feel that's overshadowing any feelings that I might still have for him.

I haven't checked to see what I'd be entitled to. I do receive childrens tax credit.

OP posts:

WherecanIhide · 30/01/2011 19:44

Could you give him an ultimatum (sp)? Spell it out to him how you feel and what needs to change etc and if everything stays the same, you'll leave. Maybe a he needs to be 'shocked' out of his comfort zone..?

I don't think you should have to go and live in a womans' refuge imho

Original poster

existenceisfutile · 30/01/2011 19:58

I'm not being abused so I don't think a refuge would be appropriate tbh. I feel used and emotionally manipulated but not really abused.

OP posts:

Rorogeorge · 30/01/2011 20:38

I was feeling resentful a few months ago, but decided to stop doing the things I was resentful about.

Example: stop making him tea in the morning, instead suggest he does it!

Try noticing the things he does do, rather than the things he doesn't, and make a point of saying thanks- it might shock him into doing more!
Don't do anything which you believe will make you resentful.he may come around after a while, but you have to keep at it. I think men often just give up making the effort because they don't think we mind, but we need to stop doing these things!

Rorogeorge · 30/01/2011 20:39

You mau have seen from my threads last week that I had a rollercoaster ride to get him to see sense, but so far, so, better anyway!

frgr · 30/01/2011 21:58

existenceisfutile, i'm not going to comment on the specifics of your thread, but i am strongly reminded me of a friend when she was speaking about the moment she decided to leave her (now) ex-H... she said that having a partner is meant to make life better, you're meant to share the load of life's problems, and work as a team. the final straw had come when her husband left for a week on a business trip, leaving her and 2 DCs, and she confided in me that the housework was easier, bedtimes more organised, life less stressful without him around to pick up after/organise for him/arrange things around... if that's true in your case i think it's a foregone conclusion that no matter if you think the financial implications would be terrible... you would probably be better off without him.

i can't believe that you still do 90% of the household chores despite having a job, yet he does nothing. a fantastic set up for your DH, i think

Laquitar · 30/01/2011 22:09

So he loves one child but he 'tolerates' the other? What does this do to your eldest son?

You are not even in love with him, you don't have sex.. You work, you do earn £1,000. So you just need to top this up a bit, i'm sure you can find a way and some posters have made suggestions.

You can burry your head in sand but what are you going to do in 2 years? Give your son some of your ADs to dump his emotions too?

Please take as much advice and information you can and read lubeybooby's posts. You deserve to live, not just to exist.

waterrat · 31/01/2011 08:10

You know you only have one life? Please leave this man = you are teaching your children how relationships work and every day they are taking in (both consciously and subconsciously) the message that relationships are miserable and you have to put up with that. They may well resent you - they may just have relationships that are also miserable.

It would be better to be completely broke than stay in this situation - he will have to share his pension with you surely?

anyway, do not , do not stay with him for financial reasons - we live in a country where you will not starve, your children will also not starve - you cannot live life like this. You deserve happiness - and ...dump the bloody anti depressants that are allowing you to hide from the truth! get counselling from your gp instead.

TubbyDuffs · 31/01/2011 08:35

I think you need to get both your children away from this situation.

He has been a father figure to your son for 9 years and yet he doesn't like looking after him?

As for his threats of not letting you take DS2, I would be seeing a solicitor and finding out where you stand.

Why is it men who seem to have feck all to do with looking after the children and the house threaten that they will keep the children? As if he'd want the extra work!

You and your children deserve better than this. You've said yourself that you resent him, why live your life like that?

MommyMayhem · 31/01/2011 08:40

Sorry, but exactly why does she need to flee to a woman's refuge?

I suspect maybe he's feeling a bit depressed since giving up work. He is certainly showing all the signs. You don't talk about him with much affection - do you love him? If so, and you want to make things work, then can you leave the kids with someone for one evening and go out for a meal and talk?

lowercase · 31/01/2011 13:57

Emotional manipulation is abuse.

So Mommy, you suggest going for a meal and talking.

I suggest getting to a safe place where OP can think away from his influence and reconnect with her child/ren.

Have you read the OP MM?
A few posts ago the OP said she does love him still.

MommyMayhem · 31/01/2011 14:38

So, he's grumpy, doesn't do much housework and becomes "unpleasant" if she challenges him. I somehow don't think that is grounds for relocating to a refuge for abused women.

Maelstrom · 31/01/2011 15:19

I agree with FRGR, I was so worried about being able to cope on my own that I had not realised that I was already doing everything on my own. So it came as a BIG surprise how easy things seemed to flow when he was not around, it was even relaxing.

Obviously, things have to change and you have to adapt your plans if you want out. May be start looking for a job that doesn't require such long shifts? I know it is difficult to get jobs in the same thing, but sometimes the benefits of taking a lesser jobs outweight the negatives.

As for the ADs. Everytime I wanted out of the marriage, my ex marched me to the GP and demanded ADs because, aparently, I was not able to think properly as I was depressed. Funny thing that happens is that I have not needed ADs at all since I left him, depsite the financial hardship and the nasty divorce process. Honestly, it was NOT that I had a bad relationship because my "depression", I was depressed because I was in a crap relationship, I sincerely hated that life.

Now things are mostly bright and rosy...

TubbyDuffs · 31/01/2011 19:53

Maelstrom what a great post. Good on you!

Maelstrom · 31/01/2011 21:10

Just look at your nickname, really... there is more to life out there than mere enduring it.

Do you still love him? I thought I did love my ex, but to be honest he was just like an irresponsible little brother I had to bail out of any sorts of problems. I was really sad at the thought or hurting him by leaving. But then, I had not realised how unhappy and dead inside I was until I did.

A friend, trying to give me some perspective in the middle of all the moaning, asked rather brutally how would I feel if I find out he was having an affair... The first thing that came to my mind was "good, at least he would leave me alone for a while". That was quite an eye opener.

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