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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DD flirting with dad and his friends

33 replies

angelagray · 30/01/2011 02:09

Spent most of the night trying to register a different name but everything I typed as a user name was taken, given up.

I am separated from my H, it has been 18 months now. The garage and the room above has been altered to create a self sufficient annex which is now H apartment. We get on fine and we have a DD who is 12. We do not have any formal agreement but our arrangements works well enough.

DD is a bubbly and bright girl with who I have a good relationship, most of the time. She isn?t interested in boys and although she loves music does not have any posters of pop stars on her walls (mine were plastered with posters when I was her age).

DD is very close to her father; they have an easygoing relationship. They go swimming together, horse riding, play tennis, go skiing, often for the weekend. H has a motor home. They will sometimes behave like kids calling each other names, racing each other to the car, but he has always been like that with her.

However in recent months she has been taking a lot more care in her appearance and what she wears. While her friends come round in leggings, trainers and casual tops, she is always wearing skirts, dresses and high heels lately..

I have also noticed her flirting with her father and his friends. My mind says no problem, my feeling tell me differently.

Today after an incident I ended up have a row with DD, she calls me sick. H comes in; we then have a row, he says I am over reacting

So help me out here what is acceptable and what is not?

OP posts:
blinks · 30/01/2011 02:20

define 'flirting'...

CheerfulYank · 30/01/2011 02:21

Yes, "flirting" how?

Blackeyeddog · 30/01/2011 02:44

Could she have a crush on one of his friends?

Original poster
angelagray · 30/01/2011 02:49

You want me to give details so you can come back with more of your asshole comments CheerfulYank?Reason I left out details, people like you.

OP posts:
Duna · 30/01/2011 02:55

To be fair OP, it's not the first thing that springs to mind with the behaviour you describe, so you can't blame people for asking. Plus, there's been loads of trolls on here recently.

I've read somewhere before that girls 'experiment' with being womanlike with male family members, its not a sexual thing...maybes a google search? Sorry can't be more help.

CheerfulYank · 30/01/2011 02:58

Ok, wow. I'm sorry! I didn't mean to be an asshole. :) It's just that whenever people ask questions about young-ish girls doing anything that could be construed sexual, people are a bit Hmm because occasionally men who want to get off talking about it come here and start false posts. That's all.

Also, flirting could mean a whole range of things, which is why I asked for clarification.

I apologize for any offense. :)

CheerfulYank · 30/01/2011 02:59

Thank you duna! That's all I meant.

Misfitless · 30/01/2011 03:00

angelagray - I don't think you're a troll. Can I advise people who suspect a troll to join another thread. I hate it when this happens! If you are (DOn't think you are) then it's my choice to answer the thread without all you troll hunters making it about you thinking you're being clever. If this is genuine post (I think it is) how upsetting are your comments to OP? It's obviously not an easy topic to post - one the OP has chosen to seek advice about here because maybe she feels uncomfortable discussing it in RL.

FaffTastic · 30/01/2011 03:04

Think your second response angelagray was a bit harsh. Referring to asshole comments and 'people like you' when posters were trying to help is a bit OTT.

There is a big difference in the definition of flirting i.e is your DD giggling and acting coy around DH and his friends or is it blatant e.g. sitting on their laps and making innuendos?

Posters were only asking so they could understand and advise accordingly, not so they could be referred to as assholes.

Anyhow Hmm

Duna · 30/01/2011 03:08

Misfitless... well, of course, but there's no escaping that this is a very sensitive subject, I don't think questioning it a bit is troll-hunting, it's just being aware.

Pepa · 30/01/2011 03:12

Personally I'm with cheerfulYank we really need more info before advising whether the behaviour seen falls into the 'typical teenage behaviour' pile. And although this topic is a sensitive one the asshole comments are definately not the best way to ask for advice.

Misfitless · 30/01/2011 03:13

angelagray - it's diffcult to say without knowing the context. It's a possibility that she might have a crush on one of your H's friends, although not if she is 'flirting' when his friends aren't there.

When everyone has calmed down, could you discuss this in private with your H? Maybe it's just too awkward for him to acknowledge and so he might be in denial, which has caused him to say you are over reacting.

TBH no amount of flirting from a 12 year old girl in front of her father either with or without his friends there is what I would call normal behaviour, and would certainly not be acceptable to me.

You need to get him on side - he shouldn't be happy with this either - and he should be uncomfortable is she's behaving like this around his friends, too IMHO.

He probably still sees her as a little girl, and so maybe you need to point out calmly and rationally the messages that are being banded around by this behaviour. Unless he backs you up by gently and kindly discouraging this behaviour, it's sort of sending out an unspoken message that it's acceptable.

I think you should go with your gut instinct.

Misfitless · 30/01/2011 03:16

CheerfulYank - sorry, you'd already posted again but I didn't realise as I was typing you a big long lecture about troll hunting. Sorry - I bet you won't let me on your bench now Blush.

Misfitless · 30/01/2011 03:20

Duna - sorry to you too. I just read between the lines of OP first and second posts and sensed her desperation and felt a bit bad for her. Smile I take it all back. Also CheerfulYank it had honestly never occured to me that men might use this forum in that way - what a naive soul I am! Anyway, it's not about me so I'll shut up now!

CheerfulYank · 30/01/2011 03:26

Of course we will, darlin'! :) The Bench has nothing to do with other threads. And I understand what you meant; I'd be heartbroken if I screwed up my courage to ask about something that was really hard to talk about and then someone accused me of being a troll. It's just that, as I said, sometimes people who want to get off on it come here and ask about things like this. It's sad, but true.

thelibster · 30/01/2011 03:29

It's the "skirts, dresses and high heels" that has alarm bells ringing in my head. I just don't think 12-year-olds wear that kind of thing, even when they are dressing to impress. And who buys her all these "high heels": you? he? And why such a vitriolic reaction to CheerfulYank? If you really are a regular who has tried to namechange, you would know what creeps sometimes turn up. Sorry, I don't think your post is genuine so I'm outta here.

TanteRose · 30/01/2011 03:44

the OP needs to give more details, I agree..

the "flirting" thing usually happens when little girls are about 2 or 3 years old, not 12!

empirestateofmind · 30/01/2011 04:22

A few years ago I was a form tutor to a Year 11 group. One of the girls became pregnant by one of her father's friends. Her parents had separated and she had enjoyed the flattering attention of an older man. Needless to say it didn't end well.

These things do happen so I think the OP is right to be very concerned. At the moment her DD is seeking and enjoying the attention of older men away from the family atmosphere of her own home. Her father might be next door but in effect he lives in a bachelor pad. She could be taken advantage of if her parents are not very careful.

I do wonder how she has got hold of high heels- when she grows out of these I would be buying flat pumps.

auntyfash · 30/01/2011 04:36

I thought it was pretty normal behaviour for girls to try out flirting with their dads. I'm sure I've read somewhere that most girls practise flirting with their male role models before heading out into the big wide world to try it on boys their own age. I personally wouldn't be worrying about it.

SilveryMoon · 30/01/2011 04:57

Am I wrong in thinking it sounds pretty normal for a girl entering puberty?
When girls want to be older than they are? Want to look and act like adults?
I remember being a similar age and wearing heeled shoes and a handbag, trying to look like my mum.
Not sure I ever flirted with my dad, but am sure I copied. Behaviour of adults around me during this phase.

SilveryMoon · 30/01/2011 04:58

Am I wrong in thinking it sounds pretty normal for a girl entering puberty?
When girls want to be older than they are? Want to look and act like adults?
I remember being a similar age and wearing heeled shoes and a handbag, trying to look like my mum.
Not sure I ever flirted with my dad, but am sure I copied. Behaviour of adults around me during this phase.

Misfitless · 30/01/2011 07:08

The poster who mentioned the high heels does have a point, OP. Your DD is only wearing HH because you and your H allow her to. MY DD (14) doesn't wear high heels... if you're not happy with that you need to stop it happening.
I, for one, don't think it is normal behaviour, especially from a 12 year old girl who has a close relationship with her father - not much help I'm afraid.

ItsGraceAgain · 30/01/2011 07:32

Girls normally start to experiment with their sexuality around their dads. The beginning of puberty brings sexual desires, which children don't understand all that well and they often need help to manage it. By flirting with parents and aunts/uncles, one would hope they'd be gently guided to behave appropriately and learn how to live with their developing sexuality.

I've done a lot of work with child prostitutes (in another country) and one of my biggest problems was with men who responded to the children's sexy behaviour as if they were adults. It's a knee-jerk reaction in some men and can lead to abuse. So I feel your sense of caution about DD and her father's friends is justified.

However, I don't feel your level of fear, as it seems to be, is justified or helpful to DD. As her mum, you're in a position to guide her towards becoming a woman in her own time; if you could do with some help or advice on this, by all means seek it. You might start with talking to your GP or practise nurse about it, and maybe the school if they have a professional you trust :)

TDada · 30/01/2011 07:52

ItsGraceAgain's response seems very insightful and calm.

ItsGraceAgain · 30/01/2011 09:23

Thank you, TD! It's a lot of fun for a growing girl to play around with different looks and being 'sexy'. Kids can't be expected to understand what sexy means to adults, so hopefully OP will be able to let her enjoy herself safely.

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