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Original poster

Just started new relationship, he tells me he thinks he's an alcoholic

40 replies

mirrorinthebathroom · 29/01/2011 20:49

Ok, been seeing a new guy for a couple of months. Everything is going really well - feel really happy and comfortable in his company, get on really well, have great sex, it feels really special.

I've never seen him get particularly drunk, although we do drink together often, he's been on one big bender (his mate's stag do)since we've been seeing each other. But from what he tells me it seems he spent a lot of the past getting off his face and getting in to trouble.

Anyway, he has told me a couple of times now that he thinks he may be an alcoholic and he believes it's something he will need to deal with at some point but isn't ready to yet.

I know quite a lot about addictions (my sister is drug support worker) and have always understood that those with addiction problems can be incapable of having a healthy relationship. There is a massive part of me telling me to not bother with this relationship.

But other people are pointing out to me that we haven't had any problems yet, and I should wait and see how he actually behaves and how he treats me before breaking it off.

I wanted to come on here so I could get advice from people who have been in relationships with those with alcohol problems. should I turn away now, or wait and see? or will that be too late? am I setting myself up for massive amounts of stress and hurt?

OP posts:
Cicatrice · 29/01/2011 20:51

Run. Run now.

BooBooGlass · 29/01/2011 20:52

Get out while you can. If he wants to date then he should have the decency to sort out his issues first imo. ANd yes, I know that's a very simple view, but he knows there's a problem and he doesn't want to deal with it. Don't assume he ever will.

hsjfdk · 29/01/2011 20:53

agree - I'd be making my exit if I were you.
sorry

oxocube · 29/01/2011 20:54

Sorry but my advice is to walk away. Its a bloody hard way to live Sad

lemonstartree · 29/01/2011 20:55

Personally, having recently ended a 9 year marriage to a drug addict and alcoholic. I would run, fast and not look back

However if my new dp told me he thought he was an alcoholic I would be TALKING ++ (he isn't) and making my decision based on those discussions.

moaningminniewhingesagain · 29/01/2011 20:55

I would break it off now while it's still early days. Sorry.

QuintessentialShadows · 29/01/2011 20:56

He is giving you fair warning.
If you accept it, then that is it. He has your blessing to BE an alcoholic. And as you accept his alcoholism, he will never address it.

KangarooCaught · 29/01/2011 20:56

"something he will need to deal with at some point but isn't ready to yet"

it's a no-go

HerBeX · 29/01/2011 21:01

I agree totally with QS.

He's told you this so that when he gets horribly drunk he can say "what are you complaining about, I told you I was an alcoholic".

Run fast in the opposite direction. If he thinks he's an alcoholic but he's happy to carry on being one for the time being, then he hates himself and if he hates himself, he will despise you for being with him.

And actually, why would you want to be with someone who has so little self-respect, that he doesn't mind being an alcoholic?

BluddyMoFo · 29/01/2011 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emmab5 · 29/01/2011 21:04

My best friend's P is an alcoholic and like oxocube said it's a bloody awful way to live Sad She's changed from being a happy vibrant sociable person to someone with low self esteem who hardly ever goes out, feels that she's missed her chance to be a mum and has become full time carer to her P who uses his addiction to abdicate responsibility for everything. Her P says that he can't deal with his 'problem' right now but will do in the future. He's been telling her this for 10 years! Sad

My advice would be to end things now.

ISNT · 29/01/2011 21:10

What does he mean when he says this though? It means different things to different people. Does he mean that he is necking vodka every spare second and stashing it and so on. Or does he mean that when he has one small sherry once a month he can't say no to a second and third? Or somewhere in between - what/where?

That would be something that I would find out TBH before I did anything - find out what he actually means.

I think that the others here are right TBH (before you all shout at me Grin) but just thinking that this statement can mean vastly different things to different people.

shodatin · 29/01/2011 21:16

You don't have to break it off do you, why not go back to being non-exclusive and just see other men as well? He just might decide to do something about it if he thinks there's some competition.

runandhide · 29/01/2011 21:19

Hi, I am new to all this Blush but seeing your post I felt compelled to reply.

I spent five years with a partner who wasn't ready to deal with it. I didn't know he was a drinker to begin with; but over time it was all to apparent. I urge you to make a break now before you, like I was, are too deep and can't

Good Luck

ItsGraceAgain · 29/01/2011 21:20

Unless he's from California, Utah or some other alcohol-fearing background, then people just don't call themselves 'alcoholic' lightly. (I'm assuming he told you this with a degree of seriousness.) IME you can ignore the drinker demon for a very long time but it's a mistake. He's given you warning: he'll always prioritise the drink over you. As QS says, by doing this he's given himself permission to do that.

maryz · 29/01/2011 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Columbia999 · 29/01/2011 21:27

As someone who has lived with an alcoholic, I'd say get out now, before he starts blaming you for everything including his drinking. You can't fix an alcoholic, they have to do that themselves.

emmyloopsylou · 29/01/2011 21:29

He is telling you he is an alcoholic, so when he gets steaming drunk, shags someone else, hits you or does other thing to get himself into trouble.

He can say he warned you, you knew, can't moan now. He is telling you he is an addict, and he can behave terribly. Listen to what he has told you and run. Don't try and be his saviour, you can't if he won't fix himself. Don't be blinded by the first rush of emotion, step back and listen hard to what he has said.

He is basically asking you permission and to condone his alcohlsm and shitty behaviour.

Maybee · 29/01/2011 21:29

Run this is the road to heartbreak.

MummieHunnie · 29/01/2011 21:40

Can I ask you ladies, what a relationship with an alcoholic is like?

The exh (kids dad) used to binge drink once a week when living with me, I am not much of a drinker so there was not a lot of drinking that went on between us, I remember a time when he was drinking wine each night and I said I think you must have a problem, I think he was so embarrised he stopped the night time drinking, (it is not something his parents, my parents or I did and I find it a bit strange to drink every day, or alone). Booze was really a group social thing. I remember once he got off his head at his sisters wedding and made a right fool of himself, she never let him forget it. I had no idea he was as drunk as he was, as at the time I had a baby and was pegnant so went back to his parents early. When he came in he was vomoting all over the place Shock, I had to get him into the bathroom and I had to help him (heavily pregnant) to shower and I had to go down in the middle of the night to get cleaning products to clean in mil's house Shock the floor where he had vomited, as to sleep in that all night would have been unbearable. His parents were making comments all the next day about the vomit all over the bathroom and told us they had washed the shower curtain, I said I cleaned up the vomit from the floor as best I could in the middle of the night. I think he was so ashamed he never did that again.

Since he left he has gotten with someone who comes from an alchololic family, Mum has one partner after another who is alcoholic and ran a pub also Shock. Exh also I strongly suspect was taking drugs also after he left, again he wanted me to take some when we were together and he may have taken them on his once a week night out? when we lived together. He went off the rails completely.

I am wondering about him and his relationship as he is not in my kids life right now and I wonder for the future what the whole codependant alcoholic relationship is all about.

I was talking years ago to a TA trained lady and the alcholic game told me a lot, she said that exh's new partner will be mothering him a lot. Do they do it to keep the man sedated with booze, I don't really get it all? Are they living day to day with him drinking each night, and vomiting etc? boy if that is the case what a life Shock

runandhide · 29/01/2011 21:53

It was five years of self doubt, uncertainty- never knowing which version of the ex partner would turn up. Nice, funny, kind or a bit drunk and okay to blind drunk and nasty.

Lost weekends; wouldn't turn up.
Embarrass me by being drunk in front of friends or drinking in the cinema or getting blind drunk at the OPERA. Oh god, im mortified even remembering.

However, I do take responsibility- I let him do it by being in a relationship with me. Now I am four years down the line and have not had another relationship- too scary.

OP I don't think he would have told you unless he thinks he really has a drink problem and was essentially giving you a way or as as mentioned above is asking your permission.

Sorry this is a ramble.

MummieHunnie · 29/01/2011 21:58

Runandhide, why did you continue (obviously loyalty/love) to live with the Embarrassment, selfdoubt and uncertainty? What did your friends use to do and say about your exp's behaviour to you? What do you mean you take responsiblity for in particular?

I am glad you have gotten out of that relationship!

runandhide · 29/01/2011 22:09

Firstly we came together off the back of another pretty rubbish relationship where I was cheated on (yeah-I know how to pick 'em!) so from the off he was on a winner as he was lovely to start with. I stayed as I didn't want to be on my own as at the time being alone was worse than being with him. Over time the erratic, chaos kinda becomes normal and your bottom line of what's acceptable becomes lower.

Of course, I was going to be the one to change him to... You know, because he loved me..

Friends and family tried to tell me but it was horribly co-dependant (he needed me so much so that I needed him to need me and so on) that I defended him to the hilt.

Hope OP, you don't feel Im stealing your thread!

HerBeX · 29/01/2011 22:34

MH in my case I simply didn't notice he was an alcoholic. (I would never get into MI5.)

He hid it. Very very cleverly. He would do all the cooking, I would come home from work and he would have a bottle of wine open as the recipe always required it. He'd be drinking a glass as he cooked. What I didn't realise, is that there was another bottle ofwine which was either finished or half or 3/4 of the way through, hidden somewhere else, which he'd got through. So he covered up how much he was drinking and until the last few months of our relationship, he was still in control of the drinking so I didn't have to deal with the vomiting stage.

However, what it did do, was fuck with my mind. I suspect now, that much of what he did, he did in blackout. Plus, he was gaslighting me anyway, so he would deny that conversations had taken place, things would mysteriously and maddeningly go missing, he would look at me as if I was mad when I mentioned events I remembered clearly and he said had never happened... he was always withdrawn and emotionally distant, making me feel as if I was intruding into his space when I talked to him.. it was a fucking nightmare. I felt as if he was on another planet sometimes, in a world that was completely apart from me. And of course, he was.

Tht was without any vomiting, physical abuse, outward signs of drunkeness etc. Imagine what it would be like with those to contend with as well OP. Why d'you want to bother?

snowmama · 29/01/2011 22:40

OP, listen to these ladies here - get out now, unless you fancy a whole world of pain and mindfuckery (if that is even vaguely a word)...

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