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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Worried I might always regret losing my youth - advice needed

27 replies

marypoppins · 06/09/2003 05:58

I am a 26 year old primary school teacher, married for four years with no children. Recently I've been thinking a lot about the things I want to do before starting a family. I've realised I'd really like a break from teaching to do an MA and possibly a PhD after that.

The problem is that dh has been very negative about the idea since I've started to mention it. Fulfilling my individual ambitions would mean commuting to another town or living there during the week and dh likes us to be together all the time. It would also mean losing my salary and although I would probably get funding I'd have to borrow money. To be honest the decision coincides with a need for a little more independence, but I do want the marriage to succeed.

I've been felling a bit bogged down lately by teaching young children and the responsibilities and routines of married life. I don't want to regret or fell resentful about missing opportunities in my twenties. What do you think I should do?

OP posts:
Original poster
marypoppins · 06/09/2003 06:34

Alternatively I might always regret ruining or losing my marriage. Help!

OP posts:
doormat · 06/09/2003 09:10

Go for it while you have no children.
Dont let anyone or anything stand in your way when it comes to you wanting to acheive something.

arabella2 · 06/09/2003 17:22

I'd say go for it too. I had ds at almost 32 and now (almost 2 years later) cannot believe that I spent the first 7 years that I was with dh doing all the things I could have done with my freedom rather than spending sooo much time with him or his family. Specifically I could have done a reflexology course with great ease and also gone hiking every weekend, had piano lessons, you name it, I can think of it. Now I am pregnant again so everything is kind of on the backburner again. Absolutely go for it, I think you will regret it if you don't. Married life might have a few responsibilities but not THAT many... it's children that really change things. After all your dh is a grown man and should (in my opinion) understand your need for personal development and advancement.

arabella2 · 06/09/2003 17:22

sorry, I meant cannot believe that I DIDN'T do all the things I wanted to do...

Original poster
marypoppins · 06/09/2003 21:09

Thankyou for the support doormat and arabella2. Any other words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone else gone against their dh/dp's wishes and how has it affected your life?

OP posts:
Original poster
marypoppins · 06/09/2003 21:09

Thankyou for the support doormat and arabella2. Any other words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone else gone against their dh/dp's wishes and how has it affected your life?

OP posts:
Original poster
marypoppins · 06/09/2003 21:10

Thankyou for the support doormat and arabella2. Any other words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone else gone against their dh/dp's wishes and how has it affected your life?

OP posts:
Original poster
marypoppins · 06/09/2003 21:10

Thankyou for the support doormat and arabella2. Any other words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone else gone against their dh/dp's wishes and how has it affected your life?

OP posts:
Original poster
marypoppins · 06/09/2003 21:10

Thankyou for the support doormat and arabella2. Any other words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone else gone against their dh/dp's wishes and how has it affected your life?

OP posts:
Original poster
marypoppins · 06/09/2003 21:10

Thankyou for the support doormat and arabella2. Any other words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone else gone against their dh/dp's wishes and how has it affected your life?

OP posts:
Original poster
marypoppins · 06/09/2003 21:10

Thankyou for the support doormat and arabella2. Any other words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone else gone against their dh/dp's wishes and how has it affected your life?

OP posts:
Original poster
marypoppins · 06/09/2003 21:10

Thankyou for the support doormat and arabella2. Any other words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone else gone against their dh/dp's wishes and how has it affected your life?

OP posts:
Original poster
marypoppins · 06/09/2003 21:11

Thankyou for the support doormat and arabella2. Any other words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone else gone against their dh/dp's wishes and how has it affected your life?

OP posts:
Original poster
marypoppins · 06/09/2003 21:11

Thankyou for the support doormat and arabella2. Any other words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone else gone against their dh/dp's wishes and how has it affected your life?

OP posts:
Original poster
marypoppins · 06/09/2003 21:11

Thankyou for the support doormat and arabella2. Any other words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. Has anyone else gone against their dh/dp's wishes and how has it affected your life?

OP posts:
twiglett · 06/09/2003 21:18

message withdrawn

Original poster
marypoppins · 06/09/2003 21:20

DAMN COMPUTERS!!!!!!
Sorry! Must represent my desperate state of mind.

OP posts:
maomao · 06/09/2003 22:02

I say "go for it," too. My husband will be starting on his MPhil and PhD at the end of September. We moved here from the States with our now 4 month old daughter. I was very against the idea at first---I didn't want to move to another country, where I have no friends or family (or job!), with a newborn. But after seriously talking with my DH, I knew this was something he REALLY wanted to do. And it's better to do it now than when the DD is older. 'Though I do find myself at my wits end sometimes....

Maybe you can get DH thinking about all the things such an opportunity could bring to your (plural) longterm future, rather than just focusing on the shortterm negatives/inconveniences?

XAusted · 06/09/2003 22:08

Go for it or it will always be in the back of your mind. You could find yourself in 5 years time with the same old job, 2 kids of your own and really regretting not following your ambition. Saying that, it's never too late but do it now while you're young and child free!

Original poster
marypoppins · 07/09/2003 10:26

Thankyou so much for the support XAusted and maomao. Maomao, it's very generous of you to support your husband. What was it that convinced you to make these huge sacrifices for him?

OP posts:
ninja · 07/09/2003 11:05

I to teach and decided that I wanted to do an MSc which I started part-time last september (as this was a week after I found out I was pregnant I have now had to interrupt!). I worked 3 days a week and the MSc takes 2 years rather than one and for me this was probably easier - more money and more time to ease into the studying. Saying that DP would have supported me if I had wanted to do it full-time.

Basically could you do it part-time?

zebra · 07/09/2003 11:17

I believe you should try to only have children in ideal circumstances. Right now MaryPoppins & her partner want very different things; they aren't pulling the same direction in life. Having kids is a much bigger commitment than starting an MA or PhD. So whatever you do, don't plan to start a family unless you both feel 100% it's the right thing to do. It's not fair on the child you produce, otherwise.

I keep thinking that you got married relatively young, & my early 20s were a period of my life when I changed hugely as a person. You are aware that some of the things you want to do may "ruin" the marriage. Not the right situation to bring a child into.

In favour of you doing the degrees, btw, you could point out, incidentally, that there are very strong positive links between child intelligence/happiness/emotional welfare and mother's education. You being more educated will probably create all sorts of benefits for your children.

rainbow · 07/09/2003 11:23

Talk it through with Dh, tell him what you have told us. Then try to compromise. You will regret not trying more than not achieveing. Good Luck Mary Poppins

fisil · 07/09/2003 19:56

I'm a teacher, and I also wanted to get a MA and a PhD. I took the opportunity a couple of years ago to do my masters part time - it took 2 years and a lot of my spare time - I certainly couldn't have done it if I'd had children.

Once I was finished I looked into doctorates, but realised that I didn't have a fully formed subject yet, and that it would take time to form. So I then focussed on the producing children bit.

I am actually quite happy to have the dream of the doctorate still sitting there - something to do when I retire (after maternity leave I know I will need something to fill my time!)

When we decided to start trying for a family, it was dps desire for a masters that got in the way - he decided to go 80% (not a teacher, so his drop in salary was not so significant) in order to do it, he is finding it harder going cos the baby is a tempting distraction!

What am I saying? I guess we followed our strongest instincts at the time, and they change. If I'd done the doctorate first, I'm sure I would be loving it. As it is, I still feel I've got it right for me.

expatkat · 07/09/2003 20:09

I see no good argument for not going for a higher degree. Dh's negativity is disappointing, but IMO not a good enough reason not to pursue this. Your need for independence will only grow more, not diminish, especially if he continues to crowd you.

I like the last bit of zebra's comment about the positive effects of a mother's education on her children, but don't agree that one should "try to only have children in ideal circumstances." That's a very modern and (I think) untested notion; a generation or two ago, people had kids earlier, not always at the height of their financial stability: but the kids got raised, and things were (usually) OK in the end. I think you can get caught up in worrying about "ideal circumstances" until it's too late. But that's another issue, different from the one you asked about.

To answer the question in your second post, I am in a similar situation. I was offered a fellowship in the US, which will require the kids and me to be away from dh for 7 months, aside from occasional visits. (And it's not an easy place to visitlogistically it's quite tricky.) Though dh supports my career, andin fact--says he married me in part because of his respect for my talent, he didn't want me to accept this. I did, and I see his resentment (which he tries to repress) seeping into our daily life in insidious ways. I know I am taking a risk with our relationship, but I also know that whatever anger he feels now and for the 7 months I am away, is no match for the resentment I would feel permanently if I didn't pursue this. I think it helps to know yourself when making a decision like this. Long-term resentment (from you) could be more poisonous than relatively short-term resentment from your dh. But only you can guess at that.

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